Wednesday, December 31, 2008


I came here thinking I'd dis you but you're alright.

You are proof that sincerity and honesty is a more effective tool than flag waving and stance-standing. You're like Gandhi! What's amazing about you is that you have no ulterior motives or agenda. And that's why people respond to you.

(You're) a fat, emotionally immature pig. Give me a reason to support someone who's allowed themselves to spiral out of control with weight, has been incredibly hypocritical with their views, and acts like a petulant 12-year old.

People just like to judge easy targets and you're an easy target ONLY because they don't know you and you're internet-famous. You're the Lindsay Lohan of weight loss surgery.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Hi! I'm Heidi!

I started blogging in 2002 when it wasn't widely known as "blogging."  It was "'s like a diary? Except people read it? Yeah, I don't know, it's weird."  (Blog entries between 2002 and 2010ish are still located over on Livejournal.  I try to be super consistent with tags so hopefully you can find what you're looking for!)

About six months later I was fired because I'd been writing extensively about the psychotic born-again Christian zealots who employed me and the hilarity/horror I dealt with on a daily basis while working from their home. It was so worth it.

The lesson you should take from this: Don't blog about your job unless you're willing to lose it!

 I spent seven months unemployed and then the clouds parted and I found the job I'd been dreaming of for years. I was the Office Manager and Program Coordinator for a non-profit youth services agency that works with teens in South Central Los Angeles. I had my own office and it was pretty rad.

I started there in 2003 and was laid off in July 2008. I became a grant writer for numerous non-profit agencies but was laid off again in May 2009. The economy is especially not good for non-profit organizations.

More than anything in the world I want enough money and energy to go back to school and major in Psychology and Criminal Justice. I miss school so much that it physically hurts at times. Nerd, I know. I want, at least, my Master's but do dream of a PhD or two. I'd love to work with an organization that worked towards abolishing the death penalty, prison reform, or immigration reform. My only career goal is to save the world.

At one point I had to take a leave of absence from my Office Manager job due to pain and limited mobility. On October 22, 2007 I had weight loss surgery at 550 pounds. I also consider myself fat positive. It caused a bit of a kerfuffle in the fat acceptance community. While the vast majority of people have been compassionate and supportive, some haven't. I've been called a sell-out and a hypocrite and people wished for my death. Some people will no longer associate with me.

Less than a year later my blog was linked from a whole lot of sites (hey goons!) and the insanity began again. Only now the screams of hypocrisy and wishes for my death came from fatphobes.

Hatred of Heidi: Closing the Gap!

Though I've lost 200 pounds following surgery, I'm still struggling with health issues and disordered eating along with the added excitement of crippling debt from medical bills; chronic pain; and clinical life-long depression and anxiety.

My depression reached the point that I was institutionalized for eight days in January 2009. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (among several other things) and put on medication that made me feel calmer and saner than I ever had in my entire life.

In a span of eight months (during 2009-2010) I found a dream job and was laid off. I fell in love and was dumped three times by the same person. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, bone spurs, and spinal damage. My father committed suicide while I was in the next room. My mother lost use of her legs, was diagnosed with three kinds of cancer, became terminal, and had to enter a nursing home. My finances imploded. I fell in love with someone amazing and he, also, committed suicide.  My psychiatrist put me on disability for my mental health issues. I was on the verge of homelessness.

Then a friend - whom I'd known online for eight years via my blog - offered to let me move in. I laughed for awhile because, seriously, move to Alabama? You must be kidding. But everything was in such disarray that I decided to go for it.

In October 2010 I got rid of everything that didn't fit in my car and drove cross-country to live somewhere I'd never been and with someone I'd never met. And it was the best decision I'd ever made. I got a lot of my emotional (I spent a week and a half in another psych ward after my mom's death in 2011 - dude, the difference between a psych ward with private insurance vs a psych ward with can't even imagine) and physical health in order.  (And received several more diagnoses.  Sigh.)  I started Dialectic Behavior Therapy and weekly group therapy, had physical therapy, visited a chiropractor and massage therapist, found a pain specialist...  I worked my ass off to deal with my shit!  I made incredible friends and was part of the kink community.  I grew stronger and happier.

In October of 2014, I met Matthew and fell madly in love.  Soon after (don't do the math on that one) we got engaged and moved to Colorado.  Sometimes our lives take the most unexpected turns!  I mean, seriously!  Things are changing and shifting and improving and it's so fucking exciting!  Thanks for being along for the ride!

Weight Loss Surgery
why I had it (the guest post that went viral) insane nutrition class the idea of "before & after" surgery itself shaving my head how I got to be 550 pounds the two(ish) year update (nsfw) six year update (nsfw)

The Dirrrrty South
the great southern fried adventure six months in the south one whole year in the south

Life in General

27th birthday stripper extravaganza 28th birthday monkey madness personals
naafa-la fashion show b is for belly stay in the loony bin #1 50 random things  learning to accept yourself slut: a journey ugly fat bitch me nude 2013: the dating hiatus
a letter to my body  ♥ degrees of fatness ♥ stay in the loony bin #2  one of many entries about my depression  my first bikini  ♥  moving beyond neutrality (nsfw) why I love mr rogers more than anything casual sexxx my kink life sincerely, Heidi falling in love with Matthew  

Elsewhere on the Webbernets
♥ "aha moment" video fucking while feminist podcast interview about kink who you're sitting next to at this dinner party with hanne blank stop hating your body ♥ some random videos


  1. Love the new site!!

  2. This looks so great Heidi! I LOVE the argyle. I will click on every add for you! Good luck and best wishes!!!

  3. I LOVE the site!! Your writing is so raw and open. I admire you for a lot fo reasons. Maybe because I see a lot of myself in you. You can say the things that I can't say or I am too ashamed to say, and why? I don't know, it's who I am. But my depression which I don't acknowledge doesn't help. Please continue to be are a good one! lmao =)

  4. Love your site! Just a little tidbit, though -- people were actually using the term "blogging" as far back as 1999 (I remember b/c I was into it back then... and it's also on wikipedia).

  5. Heidi, I can help you mark two things off your "I would love to" list -- I can teach you how to knit and how to play the violin. I have yarn, needles, and the fiddle, so no purchases necessary!

  6. my brother and me are both chubby boys. he has not seen your site yet i dont think. i think your pretty. i try not to get too big im worried about my brother hes a little chubbier than me and sometimes his feet hurt. we try to get out and play some i play more than he does he walks along with me when we go places so he gets some exersise. neat site, al tho i am no good at the politick stuff so im not a activist or anything i just like to play with my hotwheels.

  7. Hey! My name is Heidi Carpenter (InJestPuppets) and I found you trying to figure out why my pink hair dye didn't work.....Haven't read much of your stuff yet, but wanted to shout out to a fellow Heidi!!!!

    1. Hi other Heidi! Let me know if I can help with your dye issues!

  8. I'm here to catch up! Heidi, I had followed you WAAAAAAAY back in the day on Diaryland, but lost track after you left there (nothing personal at all, it was just LIFE). Reading this page & 'catching up', well, it's just amazing. I am so sorry to see that you have been through hell & back, honestly...I have no idea how I'd have dealt with all that myself. But it sounds like you're pushing through, & it's fantastic to read that you are finding your way. I know we've never met, but I felt like I knew you through Diaryland, & I remember all the stories about the zealots, lol, they kept me sane!