Monday, November 24, 2014

The Fear & Avoidance of Anger

My mom was always angry.  My memory of my entire childhood is comprised of her screaming.  Her rage was terrifying.  “Arguments” and “fights” were just her going ballistic so I learned quickly to do anything to not make her mad.  It didn’t work, of course.  I’m trying so hard to put into words what her rage looked and felt like but I’m struggling.

When I say “screaming” I don’t mean a raised voice.  I mean…rage.  Rage rage rage.  Screaming so loud she’d lose her voice.  Wordless shrieking.  Broken dishes.  Her face blood red.  Physical violence.

You know how it’s natural for kids and parents to argue?  Especially during teen years?  That never happened.  I was terrified of her.  I knocked over a glass of water and she’d scream at me, so loud and filled with so much hate that I couldn’t stop shaking.  Loud sudden noises made me flinch.

She got herself kicked out of and banned from grocery stores and restaurants because of her crazed anger.  Sometimes directed at my father, sometimes at employees.  She had no control.  She looked like a monster.

That’s what anger looked like to me, monstrous.

How do you grow up with that and then believe anger and arguments can be healthy?  I didn’t know that so I just ran from it.  I avoided conflict with every fiber of my being.  I’ll do and say anything I have to in order to make you happy.  I stayed in horrifying situations because I was too scared to end them.  I assumed that if I voiced objections, it would trigger the insanity.

I had no voice.  I was silent.  I was mute.  I wrapped up everything that upset and angered me and pushed it down as deep as I could.  Swallowing it whole.  Being angry at myself was better than being angry at anyone else.  Hating myself was better than hating anyone else.  Hurting myself was better than hurting someone else.

I’m learning, though.  I’m learning to express myself to my friends.  I tell Matthew when I’m upset or disappointed.  I don’t hide my feelings from him.  I still struggle with some people - the ones I don’t feel emotionally or physically safe with - but I’m also learning how to exorcise those people from my life.  And I’ve even stood up for myself when I was afraid!  Because I’m sick of fear.  Fear has controlled every aspect of my life for so fucking long.  Fear of conflict, fear of retribution, fear of loss.  So fucking sick of it.

I was never not afraid.  Fear has dictated my life and has caused me to give up and run from so many opportunities.  And I am so done with it.

Fuck fear.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Since my father’s suicide, guns have terrified me.  He shot himself while I was in the next room; I found the body and dealt with the aftermath.  I can still smell the gunpowder.  I didn’t even realize my fear while I still lived in Los Angeles as I never had any interaction with them.  How would I?  But then I moved to Alabama.  The gun culture between the two is a complete 180.  I discovered my fear.

A friend got a gun for protection and I asked if I could hold it.  Once it was in my hand I completely panicked and yelled for her to take it away from me because I couldn’t deal.

I’m just so very tired of fear.  So Matthew took me to the shooting range.  I was shaking so hard - from the moment we exited the freeway until the second or third gun.  And after awhile, I wasn’t afraid.  We shot several different guns - a 22, a 357, a Glock, a 9mm, a rifle, a shotgun…

Please note the terror in my eyes.

It was really fun!  I was horrible at it but it was still fun!  And then. I found out what it feels like to have a shotgun recoil directly into your face.  Spoiler alert: bloody nose and agony.  But I CONQUERED MY FEAR OF GUNS!  FUCK YEAH, I DID!

("The right to bear arms arm bears.")

After that we unintentionally charmed a bartender into giving us free drinks and had dirty roadside sex.

Matthew met Carter!  And it went really well.  Afterward I asked what she thought.  “He’s sweet and adorable.  Kinda like a puppy!”  Then the next day he and I met up with her and a few folks at the bar and, when he went in to get another drink, they commented on how obviously in love he is with me and how, “He totally is like a puppy!”  Heeee!

I went back to Atlanta with him and we went to The Clermont Lounge and I got a couple of lap dances.  It was a really good time and I can totally see why it’s “ranked as one of the coolest dive bars in the world.”  The dancers were awesome; a huge age range and so many different body types - little bellies to downright fat!  It was so great to see these women just revel in their bodies and have no shame about showing them off.

Everything’s going well.  My therapist is on maternity leave so I do miss her.  I did fall off the habit of taking my meds but I’m back on track.  It helps that he reminds me a lot.

Monday, November 17, 2014

NSfW - Sex Toy Review

Liberator Heart Wedge Positioning Pillow
Dimensions: 13” long x 19” wide (tapers down to 2") x 7” height (33.02cm x 48.26cm x 17.78cm).
Materials: Furniture grade polyurethane foam covered in a removable plush faux velvet cover with a polyester water-resistant liner beneath.

I’ve been wanting a Liberator ramp/wedge foreverrrrrrr but they’re out of my price range.  Then there’s this little beauty!  I was worried that I’d just squash it flat with my weight but that didn’t happen.

Lying across it definitely took some strain off my knees and put me in great position to take it from behind.  if you have joint pain, it will totally help.  It keeps your ass up in the air, even if you need to straighten your legs a bit.

And then this happened.  Sweet merciful Christ!!

THIS PILLOW MADE ME BELIEVE IN GOD!  The angle this allows is incredible for both of us.  It allows him to penetrate me even deeper and to hit my gspot harder.  It’s fucking amazing.

You hella need the Liberator Heart Wedge Positioning Pillow, trust me on this one.

Aesthetics ♥♥♥♥
Partner Play ♥♥♥♥
Overall ♥♥♥♥

Thank you GoodVibes for making this possible!

Monday, November 10, 2014

I have somehow acquired a boyfriend!  He’s sweet and kind and loving and affectionate and adorable and intelligent and just…god, just wonderful.  We’re all in love and mushy and it’s so gross!

Okay!  So!  He answered my I-only-want-sex-no-dating ad on OKCupid.  We emailed for maybe a week; all surface and sex stuff.  He came over one evening and ended up staying until the next afternoon.  We got along really well and just clicked hard.  He kept telling me how much he liked me and how he couldn't wait to see me again.

I didn’t expect to hear from him but he texted me, asking if he could come back the next night and I said yes.  More about how amazing and sexy and wonderful I am.  Which, hi, awesome to hear!  I could just tell he wanted more than sex based on a few passing comments he made and I already really liked him.  I texted, “So am I wrong in thinking we could end up as more than a couple of people who fuck?”  “I'm so glad you said that!!  I totally want more than that with you!”

He said he knew all I wanted was sex and no dating, but he wanted to be honest about how he was feeling and I said, “Well…I think I’d be open to more than that.”  He says that, while he usually has no problem making the first move, it would have taken him a long time to do so with me since I was so clear about not wanting to date.  I’ve always said that, even though I’m on a dating hiatus, if someone amazing came along, I’d absolutely go with it.  And someone amazing came along.  (How to Find One of Your Own: Completely give up hope - it worked for me!)

He said he’d never fallen this fast before and was afraid of scaring me away.  I said I felt the same but that we needed to take things slowly.  I said I was open to seeing where dating would take us but I wanted non-monogamy, at least sexually.  That my ideal was emotional monogamy with sexual polyamory.  

He lives about two hours away so we can only see each other on weekends but he gets Fridays off so that’s not bad.  Plus I like a lot of alone-time.  Also, he was long-distance with a girlfriend for all of college so a two hour drive is probably nothing to him.

 I said, “Okay…we're dating!”  He asked if we could be Facebook official because he wanted everyone to know about “this bad ass girl I’m dating.”  Which blew me away (and still does.)  Like, I’m so used to the guys I’m with being ashamed of me.  Of not taking me out, of cropping me out of photos, of not introducing me to friends or family.  And I understood.  I understood their shame and embarrassment.  Who wouldn’t be ashamed of me?  Look at me.  (FUCK those guys, by the way.)  But not him.  He’s proud of me.  Proud to date me, proud to be with me.  He wanted his friends to see me, to know me.  He’s told all his friends about me and wants me to meet them.

He’s the first boy to ever bring me flowers!  Then he made homemade tikka masala for dinner!  And kept popping into the living room to kiss me.  He wants to take me away for my birthday weekend.  He’s taking me home for Thanksgiving so I can meet his friends and family.  He was flying home Friday morning so we wouldn’t see each other for a few weeks and he didn’t want to wait that long so he changed his flight so he could spend Thursday night and Friday morning with me before flying out in the afternoon.  He spends the night even when it means he has to wake up at 3am to get to work on time.  THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE TO ME!  He makes an incredible effort to spend time with me.

It’s so difficult for me to let people be nice to me and I’m trying so so so hard to stop trying to talk him out of it.  I have NEVER felt so fawned over!  So adored.  So lusted for. He gets butterflies when he sees me.  He’s so nervous and excited that he gets the shakes.  I’ve never had anyone feel this way for me before; they were always in love with someone else or trying to replace me.

Oh and can I mention he’s kinky as fuck so the sexy times are amaaaaaazing?  And frequent.  Jesus Christ.

Carter wants to meet him before I (potentially) go away with him.  She’s my Mama Bear.  He’s totally willing and that means a lot to  me.  I’ve never been with anyone who met my friends or who wanted me to meet theirs.

God, I just like him so fucking much.  I love him.  I love him in a way I’ve never loved anyone before and it sorta freaks me out.  I thought I knew what love was and then this happened.  I’ve never had anyone love me and treat me the way he does.  I know (as does he) that this is fast but it feels right.  And I honestly feel like, if it doesn't work out, it's totally okay, I'm going to survive. If it lasts a month, that just means I have an awesome month, ya know?  If it’s a mess, fuck yes I’ll hurt and mourn but then, eventually, I’ll be able pick up and move forward.  And I no longer feel that desperate NEED to be with someone. To earn love.  I just feel comfortable and safe with him. I feel loved by him.  I feel loved by him to a degree that I never thought I’d find or deserve.

Even though we’re annoyingly in love and planning for future events, I’ve made it clear that no major life changes are allowed for at least one year.  No marriage, no living together, no babies, no tattoos…none of it!  I’ve been single for five years and it’s weird to be dating again.  I’ve never dated in an emotionally healthy way before!  No desperation, no neediness. It's just...amazing.  I refuse to let myself run from something that’s already so amazing and I'm totally open to and excited about seeing what happens! With no expectations and no fear.

He makes me so happy that I literally pinch myself because I think it’s a dream. I DIDNT KNOW PEOPLE REALLY DID THAT.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

By four my father was touching me.  By five I was throwing my food up, the way my he taught me.  By six I was suicidal.  When I said my prayers at night, I begged god to let me die in my sleep.  By eight I was self injuring.  The first time I used a jagged piece of wood that had broken off from the drawer filled with my Barbie clothes.  I truly don’t remember a time when I was happy, when I felt safe, when I loved myself.  I don’t remember ever feeling okay; that I was just fine as I was.  I don’t remember ever feeling that I deserved love.


“If it weren’t for you, I’d kill myself.”

“I’m going to kill myself.”

“Watch your fucking mouth or I’ll kick you out of the house.”

“He was great before you came along.”

“I wanted a divorce but you wouldn’t let me get one.”

“God I hate you, you’re just like HIM.”

“She’s making it up; she just misunderstood him.”

“You’re so fucking useless.”


“I’m going to kill myself.”

“My life was great before you.”

“Why don’t you just get the fuck out, no one wants you here.”

“Don’t get fat like mom, no one will love you if you’re fat.  I won’t love you if you get fat.”

“Don’t tell mom.”

“I never did that to her.  She’s making it all up.”

“How could anyone ever love you?”


For 20 years I didn’t know a day of not wanting to die.  I didn’t know I was miserable until I wasn’t anymore.  I was taking meds and one day, it was different.  It was like a curtain was pulled back and it hit instantaneously, suddenly the world was sharp and clear.  That didn’t last.  Ups and downs and ups and downs and downs and downs.

But…I’m happy now.  I didn’t see it happening, it just snuck up on me over time.  Slowly but surely, step by step, day by day.

My parent’s words still exist on the tapes in my head but they’re not as loud anymore.  Maybe it’s their deaths that muted them or maybe that I’ve grown and matured and improved.  While I chalk up my current sanity to the meds cocktail I’m on, I know a big part of it is my own work.  Therapy, group, surrounding myself with amazing and honest people, leaving a toxic living situation, pushing forward as hard as I can,…

I can’t say this is forever.  Because bad shit happens and “normal” people get sad.  Because I’ve backslid before.  Many, many times.  My meds stopped working, I isolate, I regress, I spiral.  But when those things happened before, I didn’t have any sort of solid footing to land on.  And, now, maybe I do.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Carter had a lovely get together around the fire pit.  S’mores!  I will take any excuse I have in order to wear dresses and get fancy-ish!

Look at me leaving the house!  It was so nice being around people; I forget how much I need that, even when it’s difficult and anxiety-provoking.

I’ve returned to the gym as of Monday!  I’ve been getting up at between 5am and 6am, rolling out of bed and throwing on clothes, heading out, and biking for several miles.  Once I even went back in the afternoon and biked some more.  I also started chair yoga!  Those old people leave me in the dust but I still like it.  At the end, while we have our eyes closed and are relaxing, the instructors come around, put hot towels around our necks and give us shoulder massages!  So, obviously, that makes it even better.  It leaves me exhausted and sore and relaxed and all stretched out.  I’m definitely going to try to make both yoga classes each week.  I live a lot closer to the gym now which, I think, helps a lot.  Also, weird sudden rush of energy and motivation and happiness!  So I’m trying to take massive advantage of that!

My former living situation was severely toxic and I’m 1000x times happier now that it’s over and done with.  It’s like a massive weight off my shoulders.  I still walk in my apartment sometimes and think, “This is mine.  MINE.” and get a huge, goofy smile on my face.

I’m preparing for Halloween!  Every year I say I’m going to plan ahead of time but, man, October snuck up on me!  But I did decorate for the first time and I think I can finish with my costume before the party I’m attending.  I’m making the whole damn thing…and can’t sew, so this will be interesting!  I only need it to stay together for one night!  Just last long enough for one picture, damn it! I can do this!  Even if the whole thing is held together by glue, staples, and prayer!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

And, just like that, - thanks to my friend in Vegas - the Kenny Rogers art collection was reborn.

Yes, that IS a giant pink inflatable dinosaur.  Jealous?

Look how adorable Toni Tails made me!!

I’ve reached 100 books read!  I was hoping to beat my 2012 record of 153 but that’s not going to happen.  Maybe next year!

As of the 12th, I’ve lived in Alabama for four years!  It’s crazy but wonderful.  I’m happier than I’ve ever been  and that’s completely because of the people and resources I have here.


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Halloween Countdown Has Begun!

It’s Halloween tiiiiiiiiime!  Dollar store decor fo’ life!

I like dressing up the flamingos for holidays.

Pho, Thai beer, frozen yogurt, and cross stitch made for a perfect evening.  And Fatty Patty fell madly in love with her Auntie Carter!  We definitely need another Craft Night soon.

I made this to go above my bed.  Mwahahaha!  #slut

I saw my therapist the other day.  We talked a lot about my ex roommate and the situation I felt stuck in.  I said, “I don’t understand why the hell I got in that situation.”  “Because you have a huge heart and you wear that heart on your sleeve.  You see the best in everyone.”  “I just…I like that of me, I don’t want to lose that.  And she said, “You can have a bleeding heart without bleeding yourself to death.  You’re kind and giving but you can be cautious and protect yourself and still keep those parts of you.”

She goes on maternity leave at the end of the month.  I can see another therapist while she’s gone but only if it’s an emergency.  Which I totally understand as the clinic is always swamped but still…it makes me a bit nervous.  I believe the therapy group is going to be run by another therapist in her absence.  I haven’t been to individual therapy in several months and my trip plus constant car trouble means I haven’t been to  group in five weeks.  I don’t even know if I’m even still allowed/wanted back at this point.  Getting my bearings and refocusing on my mental (and physical) health was definitely one of my bigger goals after returning from the trip.

Monday, September 29, 2014

San Jose, Seattle, & Las Vegas

I took next to no photos on this trip; I'm not sure what that was all about.

In the first airport my shoes rubbed my feet bloody and both of the backpack's zippers broke.  Fucking Hello Kitty.  I was adorable for a minute!

Sonya and Tyler aka The Bride and Groom!  I've known Sonya for 12 years and this was our first time meeting in person!!  When I arrived to be her bridesmaid!  I can't even tell you how honored I was to be part of their wedding.  Blown away, amazed, speechlessly honored.

"I wish I could have done more.  Basically all I did was show up."  "From ALABAMA!"  "Okay, I forgot that part."

Her maid-of-honor did my hair and makeup.  "So do you want to do bright or do you want to do can't do subtle, Heidi."  Hahahahaha, truer words have never been spoken!  So she gave me bright multicolored eyes and hot pink lips!

They had their wedding at The Winchester Mystery House and, because they're giant nerds, it was book themed.  We carried hardcover copies of our favorite books down the aisle, their rings were held in a hollowed out book, the table bouquets were made from book pages, the cake was a book, the guestbook was blank book spines...  Needless to say, "You realize that if I ever get married, I'm stealing your theme."  He walked down the aisle to the Superman theme and she to an instrumental of GnR's Sweet Child o' Mine.  The ceremony was short and lovely.  The food was amazing.  It was so much fun!  It was just all so laid back and authentic and joyous!  It was wonderful.

The maid-of-honor and my fellow bridesmaids!

I finally met Poliana and she has the greatest tattoo ever.  SHE'S A LIBRARIAN!


And drank watermelon beer!

Sarra and Mike!

We went to a showing of The Apple.  I...I don't even.

Statue of Lenin!

We went to the Pigs Peace Sanctuary and petted and fed rescued piggies!  Yeah, won't be eating pork ever again.

Um, did you know pigs could grow to this size?!

Cassandra!!  Oh my god, I love her so much!  We met the first time when she and her husband oh so kindly put me up for the night as I drove through Texas on my way to Alabama.  I just adore her.

I went to a kink party for introverts at The Center For Sex Positive Culture with an internet friend.  It was a slow party (not much play) but I had a lot of fun hanging out with her!  Plus she had a sub rub my neck and shoulders and fetch me things.  So, near the beginning of the night I point to this guy and say, "I'd really like to make out with him."  We mention it a few times through the night, trying to figure out a way to get him to come over, but don't actually go through with anything.  Then at the end of the night, he makes eye contact and comes over and introduces himself.  We're all talking and I bust out with, "I hope this isn't creepy but you're really cute!"  He says I'm cute too, chit chat chit chat chit chat, then my friend says, "...she's only here for a few more days."  At which point I say, "So if you wanted to make out with me, you should move fast."  He smiles big, comes over, takes my hand, and leads me in to the back room where all the beds are.  And that's how I ended up fucking a hot boy in Seattle.  All I could think was, god DAMN, clearly I need to be bolder on a regular basis!

I met Sonya!  I had soooo much fun with her and we got along so well!

I did my first cross-stitch project!  Sarra and I cross-stitched while watching Buffy from the beginning.  I fucked up a lot but enjoyed doing it.

Second project!  Okay, I fucked this one up a LOT a lot so I'm going to redo it.  I had no idea I'd enjoy cross-stitch so much!

You can't imagine how much I ate while in Seattle.  Sarra and Mike shoveled so much incredible vegan food into my face that I was in a near-constant coma of delicious!  Gyros, deep dish Chicago-style pizza, burritos, homemade butter, homemade jam, ice cream sandwiches, cupcakes, chocolate mousse, crab rangoon in duck sauce, pizza with kale, hot peppers, and green tomatoes, cinnamon rolls...  MY GOD.

Bye Seattle!  Don't worry, I'll be back!

Then I headed to Las Vegas, where I took no photos because I'm the worst.

Lots of cuddling and kissing.  I had a really lovely time being with him even though it was partially heartbreaking as well.  Things just aren't going to work.  For now?  I don't know if "for now" is overly optimistic but, anyway, yeah.  Heartbreak.  But it's okay, because romantic partnership doesn't determine my worth, you know?  So I had an emotional meltdown and felt completely rejected but, honestly, I'm accepting it a lot quicker than I expected.'s okay.  It really is okay.  I finally got to spend time with him and be held by him and I saw Girls and I was able to hang out with the mutual friend who introduced us...  It was a good time.  Oh and I had decided to make one of his fantasies happen and ended up with it being the kinkiest and hottest sexual experience of my entire life so that was an awesome bonus!

I came home and collapsed for several days, basically falling apart completely.  I saw the chiropractor and got a massage a few days later so that helped a lot.  As wonderful as it was to see everyone, I was really happy to be back.  I missed these furry bastards!

Flying While Fat
All in all, the travel itself was good.  I have zero issues with flying, aside from the space issues, which are why I don't fly.  This time I flew Southwest and bought two seats for each flight.  If you buy two seats for yourself, SW refunds you the cost of the extra one after the flight!  It was a no-brainer for me.  A) There's no way I'd be even remotely comfortable sitting next to someone with the armrest down and b) I know a lot of fat+ folks disagree with me here but, I absolutely do not want to encroach on anyone else's space, even if that means spending more.  If you buy yourself two seats you also get to preboard!  So I was able to snag the front row, giving myself even more space.  The person who sat in the row's  third seat loved me as they got to share in that empty seat as well.  I definitely needed seatbelt extenders but no attendant has ever been an asshole about it.  I avoided the plane bathrooms like the plague so I ended up dehydrated but, whatev, worth it to me.  If you have mobility issues, you can get wheelchair-ed to and from the gates (just call the airline and set it up ahead of time).  I did that at a couple of the airports due to pain and Hello Kitty induced wounds.  Just don't forget to tip!  I tip high since, well, I always do and, hi, I'm a heavy load!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

It's time to forget about being lovable. And in fact, it's time to forsake someone else's idea of what gives you a spark or no spark. Block the "other" from this picture. No more audience. You are the cherished and the cherisher. You are the eminently lovable and the lover. You are a million brilliant sparks, flashing against a midnight sky. Stop making room for someone else to sit down. Fuck "good" partners. Fuck waiting to be let in. You are already in. You are in. Cherish yourself.

Fuck wondering if you're lovable. Fuck asking someone else, "Am I there yet?" Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. Don't grow up to be one of those women with a perpetual question mark etched into her brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough?

You are here. Sit down. Feel your potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today. Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words: YOU ARE HERE. You are here. Cherish yourself.

Dear Polly