Thursday, January 22, 2015

Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew!

This is damn good timing as I was about to start using his full name and posting pictures!  I actually had posts with that in them - he’d told me how proud he was to be on here - when his ex and her mom informed him that I was going to ruin his life and prevent him from ever being employed again because it came up if you Google him (um, complete and utter bullshit) and CLEARLY he was insane for being with me.  I mean, people can feel about me however they'd like and I hold no animosity towards them and I know that being as honest in here as I am opens myself up for judgment but...what can ya do?  I kinda just rolled my eyes and checked out on that when they referred to me as "some homeless girl."  Wait, what?  Anyway.  So, even though he said I didn't have to, I went back and removed his pictures and changed it to his initial.  For no real reason, more like a “well, okay, if you say so?” kinda thing.  But the other day he was like, nah, fuck that.

So.  Yes!  Matthew!

Damn, he's adorable.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Big Ol' Life Changes Ahoy!

God, where to even begin!?

M got his dream job and is moving to Denver.  And I’m joining him!  He starts work on Monday and I’m following him in a couple of months, once I give notice and pay to break my lease, find new doctors, get records transfered, get rid of as much stuff as I can, sell/give away my car, figure out how to travel cross-country with cats...  The whole thing is insane and exciting and terrifying and amazing.  So fucking amazing!

I’m sad to leave my friends and I’m really not great at making new ones so that does make me a bit nervous.  But I will be closer to my west coast friends!  Moving to Alabama was the best decision I ever made so to pick up again and leave is making me nervous.  BUT.  Because moving cross country to live somewhere I’d never been, with someone I’d never met, did up being the exact right thing to do…that makes me less afraid because, hi, that could totally be the case again!  In fact, I know it will be.

We just got back from Colorado last night.  We found a place and signed a lease while we were there.  The complex has heated pools, hot tubs, a gym, trash “valet”, washer and dryer in each unit…  Since we’ll be combined on utilities, I’ll be paying the same for living expenses as I do now.  And he’ll be just a few minutes from work  I think we’re going to be so happy there.  The goal is to get as much of my stuff as possible into his trailer before he leaves this weekend, purge everything I can, mail more of my stuff once he’s settled, and then be able to fit me, him, the cats, and everything left into a rental car to take to Colorado in April. We can always rent a Uhaul, if need be, so I’m not stressing.

I’d never been to Colorado before so that was exciting!  It’s so beautiful there.  Cold as a motherfucker but beautiful.

I’m excited.  So so so excited.  This year is going to be incredible.

We were on the road for over a week and I took, like, six pictures.  I have no idea what the hell’s up with that.  In two months when I do the drive again, A MILLION PICTURES WILL BE TAKEN, DAMN IT!

Moments of Mention
* Meeting a bunch of his family.  They seem to like me!

* Losing my purse somewhere in Texas.  Including credit cards, driver’s license, and social security card.  Oh, and my camera.  This is going to be such a pain in the ass to try to replace my license and SS card while having neither one.

* Finally reading Charles Dickens.

* Accidentally staying in a motel used exclusively by sex workers while in St Louis.  “Well, I’m glad they have somewhere safe and clean to go!”

* Realizing that this is real.  Like, for real real.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2014 has been...amazing.  The tail-end of it, especially.  I have an incredible boyfriend, I have a great apartment, I no longer live with a violent sociopath, my kitties are healthy...  And 2015 promises to be even better!  It's going to be a life changing year and I cannot fucking wait to hit it head-on!  I SWEAR I'LL WRITE MORE!

My goal for 2014 was to read 30 books.  I’ve read 116.  BOOM!

Books Read in September, October, November, & December
Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea by Barbara Demick
Escape from Camp 14 by Blaine Harden
This Side of Paradise by F Scott Fitzgerald
The Beautiful and Damned by F Scott Firzgerald
Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury
Vagina Mundi by Wol-vriey
Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs
The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
Cinderella by Charles Perrault
The Land That Time Forgot by Edgar Rice Burroughs
Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
The Adventures of Pinnochio by Carl Collodi
Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh
The Long Secret by Louise Fitzhugh
The Road by Cormac McCarthy
The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood
The Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M Auel
Weekend by Christopher Pike
Chain Letter by Christopher Pike
Bury Me by Christopher Pike
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
Sister Safety Pin by Lorrie Sprecher
Holes by Louis Sachar
Hangsaman by Shirley Jackson
Without a Net: The Female Experience of Growing Up Working Class edited by Michelle Tea
Valencia by Michelle Tea
War of the Worlds by HG Wells
My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
The Man with Two Left Feet by PG Wodehouse
A Man of Means by PG Wodehouse
Death at the Excelsior by PG Wodehouse
\The Inimitable Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Carry on, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Right Ho, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse

Movies Discovered in September, October, November, & December
Hustle and Flow
Les Miserables

TV Discovered in September, October, November, & December
The Wire
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Alpha House
Beavis and Butthead

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Decorating for the Holidays!

My cat nativity scene aka my favorite thing ever.

The three in the middle are for the cats.


And then M and his kitten visited and it took her less than a few hours to annihilate it.  Oh my god, so much glass in my feet.


“No really, I can make it worse, just watch!”

I’m going home with M for Christmas.  I’m not as nervous this time around!  I’m nervous but not AS.  So, you know, baby steps.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Thanksgiving in Austin

I’ve been with M constantly. One of the highlights is that we ate at Villains, where all the food is named for TV and movie villains. Including the Guy Fiera. I died. One night we went to a fireworks warehouse and bought way too many explosives.

Oh, also! There’s been a cat adoption! It was supposed to, technically, be his but she’s lived here since we picked her up. I guess, therefore, she’s ours. Since Patty and Selma are named after Simpson’s characters, so is she. I was kidding when I suggested Ralph Wiggum but he went with it! So meet Ralph the Girl Cat!  She’s evil.

But onto the major major stuff! He took me home to Austin to meet his friends and family. Terrifying.

We left Tuesday morning and spent the night in New Orleans. Mussels and oysters and ice cold beer.

We arrived in Austin Wednesday night and spent Thanksgiving day with his dad, stepmom, brothers, aunt, and cousin. The entire drive to the house I was shaking and fighting to not hyperventilate. They were all really wonderful and made me feel so welcomed. The food was amazing, the liquor flowed, and I totally dominated at Trivial Pursuit. And we made out a few times in the bathroom. It was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had and it meant so much to me that he invited me to spend it with his family.

The next day we had lunch and played mini golf with a couple of his friends. The course is BYOB and, let me tell ya, drunk mini golf is as difficult as you’d imagine. But even more fun!

Then dinner with his mom and brother. His mom was who I was most worried about as she’s made comments to him that made it clear that she didn’t approve of our relationship or the way he feels for me. But we got along really well and talked politics. Then hung out with a group of his friends. I think they liked me? I have no idea, I’m so bad at judging these things. Saturday was lunch with his dad, brothers, and family friends, which was really fun.

We ended up heading out that night, stayed over in Louisiana (I think) and got home late Sunday night. We stopped at lots of little roadside oddities which was awesome. I fucking love that he appreciates those as much as I do! He’s a perfect road trip partner.

Now this was just fucking depressing. There’s a tiger in a cage at a truck stop. How the hell does that happen?

I call this the Selfie Statue.

We went to the Abita Mystery House and it was glorious.

Things are going well.  It’s pretty amazing.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

My love for M is scary.  M's love for me is even scarier.  I’ve never been loved this way.  So deeply and intensely.  Fully and with no reservation or hesitation.  How do I believe it’s real?  How do I believe it’s going to last?  How do I believe I deserve it?

This is the love I never thought I’d have.  I thought I’d always be someone’s second best, the one they settled for.  But, god, he loves me.  He loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone before.  We both know this is happening fast and it’s terrifying.  But it’s a good kind of terrifying?  In a way?  The terror that comes with adventure and change and growth.  The terror that comes with getting something you’ve always wanted but never thought would be yours.

I’ve spent the last two years intentionally not dating.  Working on myself and pushing forward.  I accepted the fact that I would never have romantic love and that acceptance took away so much pressure and disappointment.  Everyone saw it as giving up but I didn’t.  It was completely possible I’d be alone and being okay with that worst-case scenario gave me absolute freedom.

Being in a relationship has made me a bit…insecure, through no fault of his.  I’m not used to this so I’m constantly asking, what in hell does this adorable, brilliant, kind, sweet boy see in me?  I’m just this flawed and struggling girl who is in a compete state of flux…that he thinks is perfect.  He loves every single bit of me.  I still find it all so surreal that I think I’m dreaming.

I’m just so fucking happy!  I’m finally happy with my life - which he’s a big part of it - and I don’t quite know how to accept that as my reality.  But I’m trying.  I’m trying to be more present and in the moment; to not worry about how everything could fall apart.  I’m going to sit back and enjoy the ride.  Because the possibility of future sadness shouldn’t make me give up the happiness I’ve somehow found now.

Monday, November 24, 2014

The Fear & Avoidance of Anger

My mom was always angry.  My memory of my entire childhood is comprised of her screaming.  Her rage was terrifying.  “Arguments” and “fights” were just her going ballistic so I learned quickly to do anything to not make her mad.  It didn’t work, of course.  I’m trying so hard to put into words what her rage looked and felt like but I’m struggling.

When I say “screaming” I don’t mean a raised voice.  I mean…rage.  Rage rage rage.  Screaming so loud she’d lose her voice.  Wordless shrieking.  Broken dishes.  Her face blood red.  Physical violence.

You know how it’s natural for kids and parents to argue?  Especially during teen years?  That never happened.  I was terrified of her.  I knocked over a glass of water and she’d scream at me, so loud and filled with so much hate that I couldn’t stop shaking.  Loud sudden noises made me flinch.

She got herself kicked out of and banned from grocery stores and restaurants because of her crazed anger.  Sometimes directed at my father, sometimes at employees.  She had no control.  She looked like a monster.

That’s what anger looked like to me, monstrous.

How do you grow up with that and then believe anger and arguments can be healthy?  I didn’t know that so I just ran from it.  I avoided conflict with every fiber of my being.  I’ll do and say anything I have to in order to make you happy.  I stayed in horrifying situations because I was too scared to end them.  I assumed that if I voiced objections, it would trigger the insanity.

I had no voice.  I was silent.  I was mute.  I wrapped up everything that upset and angered me and pushed it down as deep as I could.  Swallowing it whole.  Being angry at myself was better than being angry at anyone else.  Hating myself was better than hating anyone else.  Hurting myself was better than hurting someone else.

I’m learning, though.  I’m learning to express myself to my friends.  I tell M when I’m upset or disappointed.  I don’t hide my feelings from him.  I still struggle with some people - the ones I don’t feel emotionally or physically safe with - but I’m also learning how to exorcise those people from my life.  And I’ve even stood up for myself when I was afraid!  Because I’m sick of fear.  Fear has controlled every aspect of my life for so fucking long.  Fear of conflict, fear of retribution, fear of loss.  So fucking sick of it.

I was never not afraid.  Fear has dictated my life and has caused me to give up and run from so many opportunities.  And I am so done with it.

Fuck fear.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Since my father’s suicide, guns have terrified me.  He shot himself while I was in the next room; I found the body and dealt with the aftermath.  I can still smell the gunpowder.  I didn’t even realize my fear while I still lived in Los Angeles as I never had any interaction with them.  How would I?  But then I moved to Alabama.  The gun culture between the two is a complete 180.  I discovered my fear.

A friend got a gun for protection and I asked if I could hold it.  Once it was in my hand I completely panicked and yelled for her to take it away from me because I couldn’t deal.

I’m just so very tired of fear.  So M took me to the shooting range.  I was shaking so hard - from the moment we exited the freeway until the second or third gun.  And after awhile, I wasn’t afraid.  We shot several different guns - a 22, a 357, a Glock, a 9mm, a rifle, a shotgun…

Please note the terror in my eyes.

It was really fun!  I was horrible at it but it was still fun!  And then. I found out what it feels like to have a shotgun recoil directly into your face.  Spoiler alert: bloody nose and agony.  But I CONQUERED MY FEAR OF GUNS!  FUCK YEAH, I DID!

After that we unintentionally charmed a bartender into giving us free drinks and had dirty roadside sex.

Matthew met Carter!  And it went really well.  Afterward I asked what she thought.  “He’s sweet and adorable.  Kinda like a puppy!”  Then the next day he and I met up with her and a few folks at the bar and, when he went in to get another drink, they commented on how obviously in love he is with me and how, “He totally is like a puppy!”  Heeee!

I went back to Atlanta with him and we went to The Clermont Lounge and I got a couple of lap dances.  It was a really good time and I can totally see why it’s “ranked as one of the coolest dive bars in the world.”  The dancers were awesome; a huge age range and so many different body types - little bellies to downright fat!  It was so great to see these women just revel in their bodies and have no shame about showing them off.

Everything’s going well.  My therapist is on maternity leave so I do miss her.  I did fall off the habit of taking my meds but I’m back on track.  It helps that he reminds me a lot.

Monday, November 17, 2014

NSfW - Sex Toy Review

Liberator Heart Wedge Positioning Pillow
Dimensions: 13” long x 19” wide (tapers down to 2") x 7” height (33.02cm x 48.26cm x 17.78cm).
Materials: Furniture grade polyurethane foam covered in a removable plush faux velvet cover with a polyester water-resistant liner beneath.

I’ve been wanting a Liberator ramp/wedge foreverrrrrrr but they’re out of my price range.  Then there’s this little beauty!  I was worried that I’d just squash it flat with my weight but that didn’t happen.

Lying across it definitely took some strain off my knees and put me in great position to take it from behind.  if you have joint pain, it will totally help.  It keeps your ass up in the air, even if you need to straighten your legs a bit.

And then this happened.  Sweet merciful Christ!!

THIS PILLOW MADE ME BELIEVE IN GOD!  The angle this allows is incredible for both of us.  It allows him to penetrate me even deeper and to hit my gspot harder.  It’s fucking amazing.

You hella need the Liberator Heart Wedge Positioning Pillow, trust me on this one.

Aesthetics ♥♥♥♥
Partner Play ♥♥♥♥
Overall ♥♥♥♥

Thank you GoodVibes for making this possible!