Wednesday, August 20, 2014


Motherfucking fuck.  I drove an hour to see a movie by itself but, hi, it was Godzilla Rifftrax so I didn’t even hesitate!  There were technical difficulties so it started really late so they gave us refunds and free passes!  And, of course, Godzilla was amazing.  I’m going to use my pass in a couple of months when they do Rifftrax for Anaconda!  So, yeah, my night was great.  Then…

I’m heading home on the freeway and boom my tire blows out.  Okay, it sucks but it’s not a huge deal, I have AAA.  Except my phone battery is dead.  And I don’t have a car charger.  FUCK FUCK FUCK.  I spend 45 fucking minutes trying to flag down a car so I can beg to use their cell to make a call.  Not a single person pulls over.  I’m in the middle of nowhere and am panicking because I have no clue what to do.  I make the very poor decision to drive on the flat, figuring I’m bound to hit a gas station or something in a couple of miles.  10 motherfucking miles later, still nothing.  I know I’ve fucked up my rim and the brakes aren’t working so I stop again.

Once again I attempt to flag down a car.  After 30 minutes of being ignored, a cop pulls over.  He lets me use his phone and I call for AAA to send a tow truck.  It’s supposed to be there in 45 minutes.  An hour and 1/2 later…  I’d totally dozed off.  He takes my car to the mechanic’s lot and asks if I have someone coming to pick me up.  It’s after 2am so I say, no, I’ll just sleep in my car until they open.  Turns out that’s not allowed so he ends up taking me home himself.

I am so fucked, you guys.  And am dreading the call from the mechanics.  HEY I GUESS I SHOULD BUY A CAR CHARGER, HUH.he

I finished up all the training and background and reference checks so I can start volunteering at the domestic violence center.  Um, once I have transportation.  I’m looking forward to it and they’re looking forward to having someone who says things such as, “Feel free to give me the mind-numbing, monotonous work…I’m good at it!”

Housewarming gift from Katy!!

Gratuitous cat photo!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I haven’t been writing.  Not public, not private, not anything.  I don’t even really talk much in therapy these days.  Life is good right now but I don’t want to be complacent.  Life is good because I don’t push myself to deal with the parts that weren’t good for almost my entire life.  I get messages telling me I’ve bettered someone’s life, that I’ve helped someone understand.  When I don’t write I feel as if I’m letting people down but I also feel that I’m letting myself down.  It’s impossible for me to feel whole when I don’t write, even if it’s just summaries of adventures or hopes.  So.  Now that my move is completely over, I want to refocus on it.

Things I Want/Need to Write About

Mental Health / Depression / Suicidal Ideation
Mine and my parents’.

Childhood Abuse
Emotional, physical, and sexual.

Never Really Having a Childhood
Being parentified at a very early age and the way it’s impacted me in adulthood.

20 Years of Disordered Eating
Bulimia, anorexia, and binge-eating.

Self Love and Loathing

Body Shame
How my weight has changed and impacted me over the years.  How weight fluctuations still shape the way I see myself.

My Dad’s Suicide

David’s Suicide
My boyfriend killed himself.

My first boyfriend.

My second boyfriend.

Allowing Myself to be Used Constantly / My Inability to Say No

Fear of…Everything

Fear and Avoidance of Anger
I turn it all inward.

Please love me.

Abandonment Issues
Please don’t leave me.

Making Mistakes and the Inability to Forgive Myself

Well.  This should keep me busy!

Monday, August 11, 2014


Well, I am officially moved!  I was moved Thursday afternoon and took these Friday morning, I think.  I consider them “before” pictures.

I scrubbed and put away everything that came from the kitchen in the trailer.  When I was moving it all I couldn’t help but think I had way too much shit.  But then realized, if I could unpack in less than two hours…I really don’t have much stuff.  I’m not sure what I want to do in the dining room; I like having open space but that seems a waste.  Maybe more shelving.  And somehow prettify/hide the cat box.  I have a lot of art to put on the walls.

My friends are going to help me paint my bedroom (and maybe bath) blue and do an ocean theme in the bedroom and I want to do a shark theme in the bathroom.  I need some underbed storage and to buy some baskets/bins to put underwear and bras in.

So, yeah, this is my fresh start!

Monday, July 28, 2014

Dear god, I’m tired of moving.  But I’m soooo close to being done and I can’t give up!  Besides three pieces of furniture, I have roughly one box of my grandpa’s photos, a partially full box of still-in-use stuff in my bedroom, a partially full box of still-in-use stuff in the bathroom, towels, my printer, a box of kitchen stuff, whatever food I take, aaaaand…I think that might be it.  I took everything else over to the new place.  I packed up all my sex toys and not only did they fill a massive duffel bag, it was so heavy I had to use both hands to lug it!

I’m getting anxious over stuff just being piled in a corner at the new place but keep reminding myself, “Your goal is to move everything from point A to point B, that’s all.  You can deal with it once you’re fully moved in.”  I’m going to be living out  of boxes until October when I can hopefully buy a dresser and some shelving.  I’m so excited!  I want this move to be over so I can just stop thinking about it.  Then I can start thinking about nesting!  And OH MY GOD WILL THERE BE NESTING!

I should be out of the trailer park within two weeks and that isn’t soon enough.  I’ve discovered that some of my stuff had been stolen and on Friday there was a murder at the next trailer; I heard the gunshots.  I can’t get out of here fast enough.  Now do you understand how happy I am to be moving?  Every time I walk through the door of my new apartment, I breathe a sigh of relief.  I’ll be fully moved in within a couple of weeks and I can just…collapse.  I can collapse and say, “I’m home.”

Friday, July 18, 2014

So Much Good Stuff!

Last night was Indian buffet and Mary Poppins in the park.  I had so much fun!  Sitting on the grass destroyed my back but I’m calling it worth it.  I got lots of compliments on my dress, which made me happy!

I signed the lease and got my key!  I officially have a new apartment.  I’m going to be slowly taking my stuff over during the next couple of weeks and then bring in the furniture and be officially moved in at the beginning/middle of August.  I need to find someone with a truck or rent a trailer.  Luckily I have almost no furniture so that’ll be way easier than it could be.  I’m already aching to nest.  That probably won’t start until October when I’m back from my trip and can focus on cheap ways to decorate and make it feel like home.  I have a Pinterest board dedicated to it!  So unbelievably excited!!

Reasons I’m Thrilled: Pool, pest control, 24 hour maintenance, trash removal, pool, no holes in the floor, no mold, no rotten wood to step through, plumbing installed sometime this century, no raw sewage, no man with a gun under my bedroom, laundry room, fitness room, living alone, pool, pool, pool!

I got a nerve block injection and it helped a lot.  If I switch around what kind I get, they’re covered (high copay) so hopefully the next type will help as well.

It’s been six months but I actually have a cell phone again.  It’s even a little fancy!  And by “fancy” I mean “not a flip phone.”  I discovered I can read books on it and, man, that’s exciting!

I finally saw Sharknado!!!!!!  In the theater!  With Rifftrax!  I went with a girl who messaged me on OKCupid.  I was all brave and was like, HEY STRANGER WANT TO GO ON A PLATONIC LADY DATE WITH ME TO SEE A HORRIBLE MOVIE!??!  Look at me being social and leaving the house twice in one week!  Also, when did Steve Sanders become so fuckable?  God damn!

For the third time someone broke into our house when I was in it.  Dude, seriously.  This time they stole my roommate’s Playstation.  Because I didn’t hear anyone come in - even though I was in the bedroom with my door open - the police think I did it.   So that was fun!  They searched my room (I hope they enjoyed the drawer filled to the brim with sex toys) and told me 3x that if this is a civil matter because he owes me money, I need to tell them now.  And 2x that I could be charged with filing a false police report.  Oh and that they’ll be checking pawn shops and if anything shows up they’ll be back.  Good times!  So happy I’m leaving this place.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Exclamation Points!

I have two platonic Lady Dates this week! One with two friends I adore and one with a new person! The latter terrifies me but the former comforts me so I suppose they even out. Being social: I CAN DO THIS.

So you know how there was nothing wrong with my car save exterior damage?  Uh no.  It cost me $584 to replace the busted radiator and the metal that surrounds it because both were fucked up in the accident.  My roommate then proceeded to try to convince me it had nothing to do with the accident.  Yeah…metal totally gets shifted 2” with everyday use.  I told him he needed to help me pay for it since I don’t have the money.  He uses my car more than I do and has never once offered to help pay for servicing, new brakes, new tires,…  He said he’d do what he can.  Yeah.  I’m never going to see a penny of it.  Sigh.

I’m really looking forward to it being August so I can have my own place.  My new place has a pool and I cannot WAIT to use it!  It’s right next to my apartment and I’m hoping to utilize it daily for swimming or walking or physical therapy.  Or just sitting in the damn pool for no other reason than I can.

I’ve made the decision to - once I move and have a kitchen I can use - work towards vegetarianism.  Instead of just cutting out meat altogether (which I eat a lot of) I’m going to introduce more non-meat foods and then start eliminating the meat.  I think that’ll be better for me emotionally what with my food issues and history of disordered eating.

Oh my gosh!  In September I’m going on a big ol’ adventure!  I’ll be visiting Sonya in San Jose and being in her wedding (eeee!) and then Sarra’s flying me up to Seattle (where I’m going to be vegan for the week) and then I head to Vegas to meet someone I’ve been talking to for the past year+.  I’m so lucky to have friends who love me and want to see me this much!  I plan to meet a few other internet friends along the way.  Because I have no money, I envision a lot of cheap food, Netflix watching, and tons of random free silliness!  I’m so excited and nervous!  New people!  Ack!!  But adventure!  So much adventure!!!

I did volunteer training to work with a local domestic violence organization!  They practically pounced on me once I shared my experience and history working/volunteering with nonprofits.  For now I just want to do office work and I’m really excited about it!

Jesus Christ there are a lot of exclamation points in this entry.  I can’t help it, I’m excited about so many things!

Books Read in April, May, & June

My goal for the year was to read 30 books and I'm currently reading #67!

Annihilation - I cannot wait for the rest of the series!
The Twits by Roald Dahl
The Witches by Roald Dahl
Etiquette & Espionage by Gail Carriger
The Omega Cage by Steve Perry
’Salem's Lot by Stephen King
The Stand by Stephen King
It by Stephen King
Christine by Stephen King
Different Seasons by Stephen King
Skeleton Crew by Stephen King
Night Shift by Stephen King
The Dead Zone by Stephen King
Cell by Stephen King
Vegan Vampire Vaginas by Wol-vriey
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Gather Together in My Name by Maya Angelou
Singin' and Swingin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas by Maya Angelou
The Heart of a Woman by Maya Angelou
A Song Flung Up to Heaven by Maya Angelou
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
His Dark Materials 1: The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
His Dark Materials 2: The Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman
Maddaddam 1: Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood (reread before reading the final book in the trilogy)
Maddaddam 2: The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood (reread before reading the final book in the trilogy)
Maddaddam 3: Maddaddam by Margaret Atwood
meowWOW!: Curiously Compelling Facts, True Tales, and Trivia Even Your Cat Won't Know by Gina Spadafori
bowWOW!: Curiously Compelling Facts, True Tales, and Trivia Even Your Dog Won't Know by Gina Spadafori

Movies Discovered in April, May, & June
GI Joe: Retaliation - Shootings and explosions and The Rock…can’t beat that!
Ichi the Killer

(sorta) TV Discovered in April, May, & June
After Hours
Honest Trailers
Cinema Sins

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

I haven’t been writing and I’m not really sure why.  Is it because I’m afraid of what I’ll say or reveal to myself?  Or is because I don’t want to deal, period?  Or that I don’t think I’m strong enough to deal, period?  I miss how raw and open I used to be.

Up until this past six months, therapy dealt with the present.  How do I survive the circumstances I’m in the middle of?  It was crisis management.  But now I have no crises.  Well, a few but they’re not things that are destroying or that will be around in a few months.  And my meds are actually working.  So, suddenly, I have the time and emotional energy/ability to work on the past.  To tackle the trauma and pain I lived in for my entire life.  And, holy fuck, is that overwhelming!  Because where do I start?  Am I strong enough to do this?  Do I even know how to tackle the past?  I honestly don’t know.

I made a list of things I want/need to deal with awhile back.

  • physical abuse
  • emotional abuse
  • sexual abuse
  • being parentified at a young age
  • 20 years of bulimia/anorexia
  • body shame
  • self loathing
  • dads suicide
  • Steven
  • Brian
  • dating in general
  • allowing myself to be used constantly
  • inability to say no
  • fear of...everything
  • fear and avoidance of anger
  • codependenc
  • loss of love
  • making mistakes and why I can’t forgive myself

The only two I managed to write about (more than once, even) was my parents’ hoarding and my last boyfriend and his suicide.  The latter happened five years ago and it still haunts me.  I still blame myself and I don’t know how to move beyond that, no matter how much logic I throw at it.

I know how cathartic writing is for me.  How badly I need it to be a regular part of my life but I struggle these days to implement it.  Which is the case with everything, really.

Now my plan for writing is simple.  I’m going to write.  Full stop.  I’m going to take a 20 minutes every morning and just write.  I don’t need to pick a topic or even write something anyone else will see.  I just need to write.  A friend gave me really good advice and told me to - when finished - close the document and not read it over for a couple of days so I think I’m going to try that.

Here we go!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

The phenomenal Hanne Blank has a new project that I'm super excited about!  Hanne has changed my life in so many ways.  Big, Big Love was what made me realize I, Heidi, was a sexual being.  I read it monthly for years and still get so much from it.  Her book on exercising as a fat woman inspired and pushed me to take care of the body I have.  She's, truly, one of the most amazing and brilliant people I've ever had the pleasure to know.

I debated for awhile about whether or not I could afford to join 52 Weeks but realized...a year filled with growth and acceptance and self love?  How could I afford not to?!

52 Weeks to Your Best Body Ever!

52 Weeks to Your Best Body Ever is: a weekly dose of Zen, badassery, perspective, and strategy to help your relationship to your body be its best ever.

You have a fantastic body.  Amazing.  Glorious.
Don’t buy it?  Feeling skeptical?  That’s all right.  I have a book for you.  It’s called  52 Weeks to Your Best Body Ever.
The truth is your body is utterly awesome and I know it.  It doesn’t matter what your body’s like.  If you have a body and you’re interested in having less body-related doubt, worry, and self-loathing and a whole lot more happy confident self-accepting badassery, 52 Weeks to Your Best Body Ever is for you.
What is 52 Weeks to Your Best Body Ever?
52 Weeks to Your Best Body Ever is the latest body-acceptance project fromHanne Blank, author of Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size and Those Who Love Them and The Unapologetic Fat Girl’s Guide to Exercise and Other Incendiary Acts.  It is 52 weekly chapters, each on a different subject having to do with bodies, radical acceptance, and an abundance of gleeful shenanigans.  Readers get a book delivered in weekly doses, each one bringing a dose of body-loving perspective, insight, strategy, experiments, Zen, and badassery to help you revel in the amazing skin you’re in.
Who is 52 Weeks to Your Best Body Ever for?  
Do you have a body?  Then 52 Weeks to Your Best Body Ever is for you!  Body-image and self-esteem books are often marketed as if they were only of interest to women, and as if the only body-related issues anyone ever had were about weight and size.  52 Weeks to Your Best Body Ever was created because we know better.    
All kinds of people have body issues, and they have issues about all kinds of bodies.  Some have to do with weight or size… and some of them aren’t!  52 Weeks is about things like the stuff people say and the ways people act about bodies… how we move our bodies through the world… feeling sexy and happy in your body… how we care for ourselves, dress ourselves, feed ourselves… how gender shapes how we feel about our bodies… how our body histories shape our lives today… how to respond to body critics… what to do when you’re having a crappy self-esteem day… and a whole lot more.
See, I told you it was amazing!  Now go sign up for 52 Weeks to Your Best Body Ever!  You won't regret it! 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014


My roommate borrowed my car and crashed it. He was driving at night, a deer appeared, he swerved, and the car ended up on it’s side in a ditch. Luckily he’s fine. My car on the other hand… There’s nothing wrong with it internally (a fucking miracle) but while it rolled, one of the windows was busted out and the door was heavily damaged. The mechanic - a friend of my roommate’s - is going to find a replacement at the junkyard and install it for me. He warned me that it may very well be a different color. Which would be kind of awesome! This could have been so much worse. I know numerous people who have hit deer and, on two occasions, it completely totaled their cars. Since moving here, hitting a deer has been one of my absolute mega fears. So my roommate is fine and the problem with the car is fixable. Like I said, could have been way worse. Still, ugh.

Oh and I also discovered that the place I’ve been going to get my car worked on has been fucking me over. One example is that they sold me different sized tires. I’m going to have to work on replacing them with the tires the car should have. Again, ugh.

ETA: And now the car is running really hot but the mechanic friend is going to work on it. He says the crash didn’t cause it so it’s just some shitty timing. I can’t drive it until it’s fixed. So much ugh.

I’m just stressing so hard over money. I need $800 by August 1st to move. Between now and September I also need to come up with money to fly to California for a wedding and stay for a weekish so I can house/catsit while they honeymoon. I’m just struggling.

But September is going to be amazing! I’m going to meet and see so many friends! And in a few months all these complications will be over and done with and I’ll have a new home and have had an amazing time visiting friends and going on adventures! It’ll be worth it and then I can start working on getting my finances together. Hurray!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Jab Jab Punch

I’m afraid I’m backsliding into depression and pain so I have a plan of action.  Because fuck this shit.  Fuck this sadness, fuck this self loathing, fuck this isolation.  It's trying to pull me back but I'm not going without a fight.

These are goals, not things I'm going to manage to make happen immediately but I'm going to try my hardest.

Things I Need to Do to Fight Back Against This Shit
  • Go to the gym 3x a week
    If I throw on my workout clothes in the morning, I can go to the gym right after driving my roommate to work.  And I like the gym!  It makes me feel better physically and emotionally.

  • Massage 2x a month
    If I get a 30 minute massage, I can (hopefully) afford to do it twice a month.

  • Chiropractor 1x a week
    I'm going to see the chiropractor once a week until I loosen up a bit more and then I'll move to once every other.

  • Therapy 2x a month
    I want to see my therapist weekly but that's not always possible because of her schedule so I'm aiming for every other.  Plus she's pregnant so is going to be gone for months; hopefully I'll be able to see someone else during that time.

  • Group 1x a week 
    I'm not getting a ton out of group as of late as it's switched from DBT focused to just talking and, personally, I'm not a huge fan of talk therapy.  I need homework and actions to take.  But I do have books on DBT and a whole notebook of handouts and notes from the year+ that we did focus on it.  And talking isn't all bad.

  • Be social 1x a week
    I've been hiding a lot and not being social at all.  Doing the opposite will definitely be a good thing.

  • Wasted Wednesday 2x a month
    See above.

  • Practice self care every week
    Nails, face mask, body scrub, prettifying feet...

  • Write 2x a week
    This can be public or private as both are cathartic.

I think this stuff should help a lot.  I was regressing kind of a lot the last few weeks but am doing a bit better.  Good enough that I think I can make this stuff happen.  That I can fight back against it.  That I can fight back and win.  Come at me, motherfucker, you're going down.