Thursday, February 19, 2015

Well, I’m leaving Auburn on March 5th.  Terrifying but exciting!  I was having trouble finding a psychiatrist in Colorado but I begged and was squeezed in to see my current one so I can get three months of prescriptions and not have to stress the fuck out over running out.  That took a huge weight off my shoulders.

After a million phone calls I finally found a psych place that accepts Medicare and is taking new patients.  I have an appointment for an intake a week after I get to Colorado.  I’ve also found a chiropractor and massage therapist I want to try out plus a GP, pain specialist, and gynecologist who seem promising.  Many more calls to make but at least things are in motion!

Basically everything is packed, other than the stuff I’ll need over the next few weeks.  Matt’s coming here next weekend to help me finish a few things.  I’m leaving the 5th, spending the night in Kentucky, spending the next night in Missouri, picking Matt up from the airport the next morning, and then he’s driving with me that day to Colorado.  It’s almost time, you guys!

I had a dream about my mom.  But it wasn’t my mom.  Well, it was but if my mom had been sane.  She was showered and clean and her teeth hadn’t rotted away and her hair wasn’t pulled out.  She wasn’t screaming, she wasn’t enraged, she wasn’t violent.  She was happy; god she was happy.  She was my mom without the crazy, without the mental illness, without the pain.  The joy I felt was overwhelming.

I woke up and fell back asleep.  In my next dream I was sobbing because I realized the last one had only been a dream.  I wish she had had that.  I wish she had gotten help.  I wish her demons hadn’t been so strong.

But it reminds me why I work so hard.  Why I fight and take my meds and try and try and try.  Because I can survive this.  I will survive this.  I am surviving this.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

I was interviewed for a magazine article!  She was awesome and asked such great questions and felt so comfortable to talk with.  It’s about the realities of weight loss surgery, body acceptance, etc.   We talked about eating disorders, fat camp, oppression, self acceptance…  I really enjoyed the conversation.

I did kinda go off on about how I think the fat acceptance community has kinda lost its way a bit in that it now seems to be about nothing more than able bodied, pretty, cis, white women with hourglass figures, full makeup, and pretty clothes.  Which is awesome; I love seeing pretty fat girls in pretty clothes!  I love seeing women with high self esteems who don’t take shit for the way they look!  I think it’s huge to see your body reflected back to you and to finally feel not ashamed.  It makes me happy and inspires me!  I think posting pictures of your fat body is revolutionary.  It’s just…not enough.  And when you say that, you’re accused of jealousy.  A lot of inspiring and amazing people have distanced themselves from the community for these reasons and it just makes me sad.

Intersectionallity is important so I talked about the lack of that.  And not being exclusionary is important as well.  So I talked about how I completely disagree with excluding people who want to/are trying to lose weight.  Because people who  don’t like their bodies NEED THE COMMUNITY THE MOST.

Hopefully I didn’t make myself look like a total asshole because fat acceptance saved my life.  But I was honest.  And that’s really all I strive to be.

I’ve taken four big loads of trash to the dumpster and five loads to the donation box.  I put six boxes into the trunk of my car.  I’m hurting and tired but I keep repeating to myself, “I want to be with him I want to be with him I want to be with him.”  As I was loading the trunk it hit me hard…this is real.  This is really really real.  And I can’t fucking wait.

Monday, February 9, 2015

I saw my therapist for the first time since October, as she’s been on maternity leave.

“So, tell me what’s been going on!”

“Um.  I met a guy, fell in love, got engaged, and am moving to Colorado!”

I’m honestly shocked at how supportive she was.  I was so worried I’d have to defend my choices and decisions; that I’d have to try to convince her I knew what I was doing and that this connection was unexpected but so incredibly real.  But I didn’t have to do any of that.  She was so excited she shrieked and clapped!

She’s seen so much growth in me over the last few years that she trusts me and trusts that I’m doing what’s right for me.  She believes I’m capable of a healthy relationship, that I’m capable of giving 100% to a relationship but still holding on to myself.

We’ve talked about my fears.  Because I am afraid.  As positive as I am that this is real and right and the best decision I could possibly make, I’m afraid.  I’m not afraid that I’m doing the wrong thing; I’m afraid of fucking this up.  That I’m not as healthy as she thinks I’ve become, that I’m still incapable of a good relationship, that I’m going to hurt him, that I’m going to be his biggest mistake.  And, god, he deserves the best.  I’m just worried I can’t give him  that.  But I’m going to try.  I’m going to try to be the amazing person he deserves.

This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.  We communicate, we discuss, we share.  When we’re upset, we say something.  I don’t hide my feelings from him or stay silent because I think he’ll stop loving me if I speak up.  And that’s an amazing feeling.  He makes me feel in a way I never thought was possible.

Gah, I’m so gross over him!

I have to admit, I have been struggling with the body image issue.  It’s been awhile since that’s been the case.  I mean, he worships and talks about my body in the most adorable way!  He shrieks, “Second belly!” and tickles my tummy rolls.  And he says things like, “I love your body!  But don’t gain weight, if you get over 140 I’m leaving you!  I don’t like fatties!”  It cracks me up every damn time.  It’s just my own bullshit insecurity rearing its ugly head.  And I need to work on that because feeling this way is unacceptable.  I can love my body as much as he does.  I can and I will.

Monday, February 2, 2015

"All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us."  - The Wonder Years

And there was.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Matt’s flying in to visit me tonight!  I only get him for the weekend but I’m so super excited about it.  I can’t wait to kiss his face off.

While talking about my fat: Your body is a playground!  So much to see and explore!


Here’s something (friend) said to me on FB about you awhile ago:  “That girl seems like possibly more of a freak than I can handle.”

To which I responded, “Yeah but she gets sleepy sometimes so you get a break.”


I’m having some logistical issues with moving.  Renting a car for a one-way trip results in fees.  Like, $900+ fees.  And I’m not sure my car will make it.  I’m taking it to my mechanic next week to look it over and find out if it has a chance.  Fingers crossed.  Also, how the hell do you drive cross country with cats?  Anyone have experience with that?

Reasons I’m Terrified About Moving to Colorado
Leaving my friends
I have no idea how to make new friends - I’m terrible at that
My car possibly not surviving the trip there
New therapist
New psychiatrist
New gp
New gynecologist
New pain specialist
New chiropractor
New massage therapist
Driving in the snow/ice

Reasons I’m Excited About Moving to Colorado
Matthew, duh
Meeting new people
A few people who read me and live in Colorado have already contacted me to hang out, YAY!
Being closer to my west coast people
Trader Joe’s!
Summers I can actually survive
Having a reason to buy and wear adorable and ridiculous furry hats
Ditto scarves
Ditto mittens
Heated swimming pool
Gym right outside my door
Trying different edibles in order to (hopefully/possibly) find something that helps alleviate my pain
A new and amazing bed that doesn’t involve broken springs gouging into me
Washer and dryer inside the apartment
Organizations I believe in and want to volunteer for

At least the excited list is longer!

Books Read in January
Girlvert: A Porno Memoir by Oriana Small
Whore Diaries I by Tara Burns
Whore Diaries II by Tara Burns
Whore Diaries III by Tara Burns
Pros(e) edited by Melissa Petro
Little Women by  Louisa May Alcott
Without You, There Is No Us: My Time with the Sons of North Korea's Elite by Suki Kim
Thank You, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami

Movies Discovered in Januar
No Country for Old Men
Jim Gaffigan - Mr Universe
Aziz Ansari - Buried Alive
Louis CK - Live at the Beacon Theater
Kevin Hart - I’m a Grown Little Man
Kevin Hart - Let Me Explain
Patton Oswalt - Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time
John Mulaney - New in Town
Sommore - Chandelier Status
Bill Burr - You People Are All the Same
Bill Burr - Let it Go
Tom Segura - Completely Normal
Jim Jefferies - Fully Functional

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew! Matthew!

This is damn good timing as I was about to start using his full name and posting pictures!  I actually had posts with that in them - he’d told me how proud he was to be on here - when his ex and her mom informed him that I was going to ruin his life and prevent him from ever being employed again because it came up if you Google him (um, complete and utter bullshit) and CLEARLY he was insane for being with me.  I mean, people can feel about me however they'd like and I hold no animosity towards them and I know that being as honest in here as I am opens myself up for judgment but...what can ya do?  I kinda just rolled my eyes and checked out on that when they referred to me as "some homeless girl."  Wait, what?  Anyway.  So, even though he said I didn't have to, I went back and removed his pictures and changed it to his initial.  For no real reason, more like a “well, okay, if you say so?” kinda thing.  But the other day he was like, nah, fuck that.

So.  Yes!  Matthew!

Damn, he's adorable.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Big Ol' Life Changes Ahoy!

God, where to even begin!?

M got his dream job and is moving to Denver.  And I’m joining him!  He starts work on Monday and I’m following him in a couple of months, once I give notice and pay to break my lease, find new doctors, get records transfered, get rid of as much stuff as I can, sell/give away my car, figure out how to travel cross-country with cats...  The whole thing is insane and exciting and terrifying and amazing.  So fucking amazing!

I’m sad to leave my friends and I’m really not great at making new ones so that does make me a bit nervous.  But I will be closer to my west coast friends!  Moving to Alabama was the best decision I ever made so to pick up again and leave is making me nervous.  BUT.  Because moving cross country to live somewhere I’d never been, with someone I’d never met, did up being the exact right thing to do…that makes me less afraid because, hi, that could totally be the case again!  In fact, I know it will be.

We just got back from Colorado last night.  We found a place and signed a lease while we were there.  The complex has heated pools, hot tubs, a gym, trash “valet”, washer and dryer in each unit…  Since we’ll be combined on utilities, I’ll be paying the same for living expenses as I do now.  And he’ll be just a few minutes from work  I think we’re going to be so happy there.  The goal is to get as much of my stuff as possible into his trailer before he leaves this weekend, purge everything I can, mail more of my stuff once he’s settled, and then be able to fit me, him, the cats, and everything left into a rental car to take to Colorado in April. We can always rent a Uhaul, if need be, so I’m not stressing.

I’d never been to Colorado before so that was exciting!  It’s so beautiful there.  Cold as a motherfucker but beautiful.

I’m excited.  So so so excited.  This year is going to be incredible.

We were on the road for over a week and I took, like, six pictures.  I have no idea what the hell’s up with that.  In two months when I do the drive again, A MILLION PICTURES WILL BE TAKEN, DAMN IT!

Moments of Mention
* Meeting a bunch of his family.  They seem to like me!

* Losing my purse somewhere in Texas.  Including credit cards, driver’s license, and social security card.  Oh, and my camera.  This is going to be such a pain in the ass to try to replace my license and SS card while having neither one.

* Finally reading Charles Dickens.

* Accidentally staying in a motel used exclusively by sex workers while in St Louis.  “Well, I’m glad they have somewhere safe and clean to go!”

* Realizing that this is real.  Like, for real real.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2014 has been...amazing.  The tail-end of it, especially.  I have an incredible boyfriend, I have a great apartment, I no longer live with a violent sociopath, my kitties are healthy...  And 2015 promises to be even better!  It's going to be a life changing year and I cannot fucking wait to hit it head-on!  I SWEAR I'LL WRITE MORE!

My goal for 2014 was to read 30 books.  I’ve read 116.  BOOM!

Books Read in September, October, November, & December
Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea by Barbara Demick
Escape from Camp 14 by Blaine Harden
This Side of Paradise by F Scott Fitzgerald
The Beautiful and Damned by F Scott Firzgerald
Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury
Vagina Mundi by Wol-vriey
Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs
The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
Cinderella by Charles Perrault
The Land That Time Forgot by Edgar Rice Burroughs
Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
The Adventures of Pinnochio by Carl Collodi
Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh
The Long Secret by Louise Fitzhugh
The Road by Cormac McCarthy
The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood
The Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M Auel
Weekend by Christopher Pike
Chain Letter by Christopher Pike
Bury Me by Christopher Pike
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
Sister Safety Pin by Lorrie Sprecher
Holes by Louis Sachar
Hangsaman by Shirley Jackson
Without a Net: The Female Experience of Growing Up Working Class edited by Michelle Tea
Valencia by Michelle Tea
War of the Worlds by HG Wells
My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
The Man with Two Left Feet by PG Wodehouse
A Man of Means by PG Wodehouse
Death at the Excelsior by PG Wodehouse
\The Inimitable Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Carry on, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Right Ho, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse

Movies Discovered in September, October, November, & December
Hustle and Flow
Les Miserables

TV Discovered in September, October, November, & December
The Wire
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Alpha House
Beavis and Butthead

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Decorating for the Holidays!

My cat nativity scene aka my favorite thing ever.

The three in the middle are for the cats.


And then M and his kitten visited and it took her less than a few hours to annihilate it.  Oh my god, so much glass in my feet.


“No really, I can make it worse, just watch!”

I’m going home with M for Christmas.  I’m not as nervous this time around!  I’m nervous but not AS.  So, you know, baby steps.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Thanksgiving in Austin

I’ve been with M constantly. One of the highlights is that we ate at Villains, where all the food is named for TV and movie villains. Including the Guy Fiera. I died. One night we went to a fireworks warehouse and bought way too many explosives.

Oh, also! There’s been a cat adoption! It was supposed to, technically, be his but she’s lived here since we picked her up. I guess, therefore, she’s ours. Since Patty and Selma are named after Simpson’s characters, so is she. I was kidding when I suggested Ralph Wiggum but he went with it! So meet Ralph the Girl Cat!  She’s evil.

But onto the major major stuff! He took me home to Austin to meet his friends and family. Terrifying.

We left Tuesday morning and spent the night in New Orleans. Mussels and oysters and ice cold beer.

We arrived in Austin Wednesday night and spent Thanksgiving day with his dad, stepmom, brothers, aunt, and cousin. The entire drive to the house I was shaking and fighting to not hyperventilate. They were all really wonderful and made me feel so welcomed. The food was amazing, the liquor flowed, and I totally dominated at Trivial Pursuit. And we made out a few times in the bathroom. It was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had and it meant so much to me that he invited me to spend it with his family.

The next day we had lunch and played mini golf with a couple of his friends. The course is BYOB and, let me tell ya, drunk mini golf is as difficult as you’d imagine. But even more fun!

Then dinner with his mom and brother. His mom was who I was most worried about as she’s made comments to him that made it clear that she didn’t approve of our relationship or the way he feels for me. But we got along really well and talked politics. Then hung out with a group of his friends. I think they liked me? I have no idea, I’m so bad at judging these things. Saturday was lunch with his dad, brothers, and family friends, which was really fun.

We ended up heading out that night, stayed over in Louisiana (I think) and got home late Sunday night. We stopped at lots of little roadside oddities which was awesome. I fucking love that he appreciates those as much as I do! He’s a perfect road trip partner.

There is a direct, straight line of oppression, cruelty, and selfishness that can be easily drawn from a lunch of mussels and oysters to a tiger in a cage. Those are the same damn thing.

Also, you were so heartbroken over a tiger in a cage on the side of the road that you... furthered its abuse and lack of dignity by photographing it and putting on the internet? "I saw this profoundly unethical, unspeakable cruel thing! And I gawked like everyone else! And then I took a photograph of it!" I mean, seriously?

Come the fuck ON.

You're right.  I fucked up.  Big time.  And there's no excuse so I won't even try to make one.  I failed. Thank you for making me realize it.

Animal Legal Defense Fund’s Working to Free Tony the Truck Stop Tiger

Free Tony the Truck Stop Tiger

I call this the Selfie Statue.

We went to the Abita Mystery House and it was glorious.

Things are going well.  It’s pretty amazing.