Monday, November 16, 2015

Sex? Ew.

Since moving to Colorado in March, my sex drive has been non-existent.  Like, I don’t even think “non-existent” does it justice.  Is it possible for a sex drive to be in the negative?  Because, if so,...yeah.  At first I chalked it up to how sick I was due to the change in altitude and my gallbladder-from-hell.  But, hi, I moved here in March and it’s now November.  And it seemed to be getting worse, definitely not better, even as I started improving otherwise.  I didn’t want to be touched.  At all.  I didn’t want to even think about being touched.  Nothing turned me on.  I couldn’t even fake it if I tried.  I masturbated maybe once a month.  It was just absolutely ridiculous and, though I’ve had a few bouts of low libido in the past, it was never anywhere near as bad as it was now.

When Matt and I first met, I was as insatiable as always.  I’d been whoring it up like crazy the five years prior and having constant access to someone who turned me on so much made sure my sex drive was even higher than usual.  Then I moved here.  And everything changed.  It got progressively worse and worse.  I didn’t even want to think about anything sexual, much less do it.  And, god, I felt so shitty about it.  On so many levels.  My relationship with Matt was getting more and more strained because I couldn’t explain what was wrong or what I needed in order to improve it.  I suddenly didn’t want to be kissed or touched or fucked.  I wanted zero sex and zero kink.  It was the sexual equivalent of a bait and switch!  I went from insatiable perv to frigid within a few months!

Matt told me over and over that he loved me no matter what.  That even if we never had sex again, he wouldn’t love me any less.  He’d marry me even if he knew we’d never touch again.  He just needed to know what was happening and what I needed from him.  We had so many conversations that ended in tears.  I kept telling him I was comfortable doing x, y, and z and then not do x, y, and z even when I, intellectually, wanted it to happen.  The problem was, I’d tell him what I wished I could do and not what I was actually capable of.  And that just made things worse because I was creating expectations and making promises that I could never meet...even when I desperately wished I could do so.  We reached a point where, in tears, I finally said he couldn’t expect anything from me sexually or kink-wise.  And, god, I felt gutted and was terrified to finally say the words out loud because 1) I didn’t want to believe it was true and 2) I was just so sure he’d leave me once I admitted I couldn’t currently offer him anything in that regard.

Sex and kink were such a big part of our lives and not having it was really painful for both of us.  He blamed himself and was sure he’d done something wrong, something to make me no longer want him.  I kept telling him, over and over, it’s no you, I don’t want to fuck anyone.  I hadn’t see a fuck buddy or been touched by anyone else in months.  Hell, I didn’t even touch myself.  But the change was so sudden and so drastic that he couldn't help but feel he was to blame.

Over the years, my sexuality gave me so much power and so much confidence that I felt shattered without it.  Even though I was the one saying no to everyone, I still felt ugly and undesirable because of it.  I felt as if I’d lost so much personal power and so much control over my life.  I was having hard bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts.  This fucking body that’s been a source of so much pain my entire life couldn’t even bring me sexual pleasure anymore.  It took me so many years to finally acknowledge and embrace that I was an explosively sexual being and it felt as if I were regressing back to that place of self loathing.  And, god, I didn’t want to go back.

In October I saw how unhappy both Matt and I were with the situation and I realized, okay, this is seriously not going to just get better on its own.  I honestly thought it would.  Initially I chalked it up to my severe elevation sickness, then my gallbladder attacks, then just my bodies general shittiness but it had been six months since I’d really felt any sexual desire and that’s just fucking ridiculous!  It went from just-give-me-some-time-and-it’ll-pass to okay-holy-shit-this-is-a-serious-issue-that-needs-to-be-dealt-with-NOW.

I thought about the last six months and what changed since moving here.  I started going through my medications and the only thing that fit timeline-wise was a change in my Neurontin.  Neurontin helps my nerve damage/pain and my dosage had been tripled since I moved here.  And research shows that a decreased libido is a hugely prevalent side effect.  Because, hi, when a medication treats nerve pain, it doesn’t always know exactly which nerves to deaden and which to keep active.  So to stop the crippling pain elsewhere, the medication just shut it alllll down.

The next week I saw my pain specialist and told him what happening and how it was negatively impacting my life.  I told him it wasn’t a side effect I could live with.  No problem, switched me over to Lyrica.  That was about a month ago and, as of last week, my sex drive is back with a vengeance!  Hell, that’s an understatement!  The weekend was a damn cavalcade of sex and kink!  I’d missed it so fucking much and it felt so incredibly good to have that part of myself and our relationship back.

Moral of the story?  Don’t be embarrassed to talk to  your doctors about medication impacting your sexy times!  A fucked up libido/inability to orgasm is the side effect of so many damn pills.  It isn’t your fault and your doctor exists to help you live the best life you can.  So, speak up, damn it!  It isn’t always easy but it’s definitely worth it.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Hoverboards and Giant Brooms

On 10/21/15 we went to the Back to the Future trilogy marathon at Alamo Drafthouse! It was fucking awesome! And so many people dressed up and brought props!


 We went to the Denver Art Museum on their monthly free day.

My absolute favorite thing:

Halloween was dullsville.  I thought that since our apartment complex has a ton of kids, we'd get a decent number of trick-or-treaters.  Alas, none.  I wasn't really in a holiday mood anyway.  I usually itch to decorate for every damn holiday that comes along but this year...meh.  Hopefully that's not the case for Christmas.  I mean, I've already bought Christmas cards, stamps, labels, and stickers and can't wait to work on them so that's a good sign!

Monday, November 2, 2015

Visiting Ouray!

For Matt’s birthday/our one-year anniversary, we spent three nights in Ouray, Colorado.  It’s a  town known for its hot springs.  It’s also known as the “Switzerland of America”!  Which never fails to amuse me.

We ran into a winter wonderland when we hit the highest elevation during our drive there!

Thew view from our room at Twin Peaks Lodge!

(Because he’s an engineer!)

There were a ton of mountain drives, soaking in hot springs, exploring abandoned mine towns, and sleeping and watching TV in a crazy comfortable bed with, like, 20 pillows.  And so much yummy food!  We just missed the season so a lot of stuff was closed but we’re hoping to make it a yearly excursion so, next time!  We watched the sunrise from the hotel hot tub and it was just...beautiful.  Climbing into the 105F hot spring made me, literally, moan with pleasure.  Matt managed to find me the vent that was pumping in burning hot water so I sat in front of it until my legs were scalded and felt raw the rest of the night.  God...soooo good.

I had such a wonderful time; I really do hope we go again!  So relaxing, so calming, and so so so much beauty.

Books Read in October
Lost Boi by Sassafras Lowrey - A kinky, gender/queer, dirty gutter punk retelling of Peter Pan. What more can a grrrl ask for!?
Quite Contrary by Richard Roberts - A dark and twisted fairy tale I loved so so so much.
Please Don't Tell My Parents I'm a Supervillain by Richard Roberts
Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery
Anne of Avonlea by LM Montgomery
Chronicles of Avonlea by LM Montgomery
Screw the Galaxy by Steven Campbell
Basketful of Crap by Steven Campbell
Prince of Suck by Steven Campbell
Hard Luck Hank: Early Years by Steven Campbell
Delovoa by Steven Campbell
My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Right Ho, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Wild Seed by Octavia Butler
Dawn by Octavia Butler
Unexpected Stories by Octavia Butler
The Man Who Knew Too Much by GK Chesterton
Secret Adversary by Agatha Christie
Harry Potter 1, 2, 3 by JK Rowling
Wool 1, 2, 3, 4 by Hugh Howey
Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie
Seed by Ania Ahlborn
Sylvia Plath: A Biography by Linda Wagner-Martin
Colt Coltrane and the Stolen Sky by Allison M Dickson
Terrible Cherubs: Tales of Sinners, Mistakes, and Regrets
Guardian of the Orchard by Patrick C Greene
Trick by Patrick C Greene
The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
The Mysterious Affair at Styles by Agatha Christie

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

This is totally hard for me to admit/talk about but...fuck shame, right?  Right.  Matt and I have been discussing buying me a wheelchair to use when my pain is limiting me.  Which is a line I told myself I’d never cross.  See, I’ve never even ridden in one of those electric carts at the grocery store because I was afraid of being judged.  Oh, look, lazy fat ass can’t even walk in WalMart.  Instead I’d be pushing a cart, my back hurting so badly I’d be literally shaking and sweating from pain, my legs about to give out.  When Matt and I went to Mt Rushmore, we sat in the car for a very long time, my trying to decide if I was capable of the walk because the seven hour drive left me in so much pain I could barely move and Matt trying to convince me there was nothing embarrassing about needing a wheelchair.  So we walked to the office, he went in, and came back with a borrowed chair.  I climbed in and taught him about setting the damn brakes and lifting the footrests.  Then he wheeled me to the mountain.  And he had fun!  He enjoyed pushing me but, even more, he enjoyed that I was able to do something I so badly wanted to do.  When we were back in the car, I hugged him hard and wouldn't let him go.  I whispered thanks for him pushing me beyond my comfort zone and for knowing I’m capable of more than I think.

This weekend we went to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science and borrowed a wheelchair.  And, dude?  It was amazing.  In empty hallways or going down ramps, he’d push as fast as he could and I’d shriek-giggle and throw my arms in the air as if I were on a roller coaster.  We saw dinosaur bones and a topaz the size of my head.  It was so much fun.  If we hadn’t used the chair, I wouldn’t have been able to stay for even 1/4 as long as we did and I wouldn’t have been able to move or walk the next day.  My doctor is going submit an order and see if it can be covered.  But even if it isn’t, we’re going to buy one...because it would make such a hugely positive change in my life.  I won’t have to keep putting things off for, “when my body isn’t a total mess.”  Using a chair would mean I can have adventures and do fun things while working on my health and pain issues so that, one day, I won’t need it.

We saw a 3D movie about the Galapagos at their IMAX and then one about black holes in their planetarium.  I’d never seen a 3D movie before!  I kept trying to touch the turtles.

Matt’s birthday and our one year anniversary are the same day next month so we’re going to spend a few days in the mountains at a town known for their hot springs.  We’re planning museum visits, a Jeep tour, a train ride, lots of soaking, and hopefully loads of adventures!  I’m super excited.  My anxiety/depression issues and constant pain problems are all currently under control enough to finally make this happen after wanting to go ever since moving here!

I’m up to 130 books read this year!

Books Read in August & September
The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating by Elisabeth Tova Bailey - Gah!  Love love love love LOVED this!
Mr. Popper's Penguins by Florence and Richard Atwater
The Paper Magician by Charlie N Holmberg
The Glass Magician by Charlie N Holmberg
The Master Magician by Charlie N Holmberg
Colt Coltrane and the Lotus Killer by Allison M Dickson
Colt Coltrane and the Harrowing Heights of Hollywoodland by Allison M Dickson
Indestructible by Cristy C Road
The Third Coin by JA Howard
Thru-Hiking Will Break Your Heart: An Adventure on the Pacific Crest Trail by Carrot Quinn
The Last Supper by Allison M Dickson
1984 by George Orwell
The Murder at the Vicarage by Agatha Christie
The Thirteen Problems by Agatha Christie
The Body in the Library by Agatha Christie
The Moving Finger by Agatha Christie
A Murder Is Announced by Agatha Christie
They Do It with Mirrors by Agatha Christie
A Pocket Full of Rye by Agatha Christie
4:50 From Paddington by Agatha Christie
The Mirror Crack'd from Side to Side by Agatha Christie
A Caribbean Mystery by Agatha Christie
At Bertram's Hotel by Agatha Christie
Nemesis by Agatha Christie
A Long Walk to Water by Linda Sue Park
Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O’Dell
The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame (twice)
Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly by Anthony Bourdain
Grandma Gatewood's Walk: The Inspiring Story of the Woman Who Saved the Appalachian Trail by Ben Montgomery
A Widow's Walk Off-Grid to Self-Reliance
Marilyn: Norma Jean by Gloria Steinem
Free Country: A Penniless Adventure the Length of Britain by George Mahood
Mary Poppins by Dr PL Travers
Mary Poppins Comes Back by Dr PL Travers
Mary Poppins Opens the Door by Dr PL Travers
Mary Poppins in the Park by Dr PL Travers
Marilyn: Norma Jeane by Gloria Steinem
The Adventures of KungFu Mike and the Magic Sunglasses: A Confession by Michael Boulerice
The Borrowers by Mary Norton
Daughters of the Red Light: Coming of Age in Mumbai's Brothels by Shanoor Seervai
The Abductors by Patrick C Green
Follow the Rabbit-Proof Fence by Doris Pilkington
Diary of a Wimpy Kid 1, 2, & 3 by Jeff Kinney
The Origin of Dracula by Irving Belateche
Wrapped in Red: Thirteen Tales of Vampiric Horror
Wrapped In White: Thirteen Tales of Spectres, Ghosts, and Spirits
Wrapped In Black: Thirteen Tales of Witches and the Occult
Casino Royale by Ian Fleming
Beat The Devil by Mishka Shubaly
Are You Lonesome Tonight? by Mishka Shubaly
Bachelor Number One by Mishka Shubaly
Shipwrecked by Mishka Shubaly
The Long Run by Mishka Shubaly
Adrift: Seventy-six Days Lost at Sea by Steven Callahan