Monday, April 11, 2016

Fuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw

For Valentine’s Day I took Matt to see a special screening of Heathers at Alamo Drafthouse.  The best part was that they had the local actors in Heathers: The Musical perform songs from it before the movie!  Aaaaaaah so amazing!  And the best part, Matt, who had never seen the movie before (#CougarProblems) LOVED it.  Thank god, I don’t know that I could have married him otherwise. Then we saw the non-profit theater company’s showing of the musical!  It was AMAZING.  The theater was tiny, like, 50 office chairs in a small room tiny but that just made it more awesome.  The songs were incredible (we totally came home and immediately bought the soundtrack) and the actors were great.  We’re definitely going to see their future shows.  Plus, their shows are raising money to help performers who are going through financial crises.  So, yeah, if anyone in your area is performing Heathers, you should go see it immediately!

Last month I started aqua physical therapy where all my exercises are in a pool.  It’s absolutely amazing to be able to move and work out without pain.  I do the physical therapy exercises for 50 minutes twice a week and feel ZERO pain in my back and joints.  I get the muscle soreness of using them after NOT using them for so long but no bad-pain.  At one point I did jack up my back for a few days by pushing further than I should have with one of the stretches but, luckily, it passed and, hey, learning experience!  It’s feels like a miracle to move without agony.

Denver experienced a blizzard.  A mini-blizzard?  Who knows, all that matters is that there was snow and a lot of it!


One of Matt’s cousins got married so we drove 15 hours to Austin, attended the wedding, and drove 15 hours back in the course of three days.  But I looked damn cute at the wedding!


Matt’s stepmom gave me his late father’s Vonnegut collection because he and I had talked about our mutual love for him.  She also gave me his Calvin and Hobbes collection.  It just made me feel really happy and touched that she did that. The drive home felt painfully long.  I thought it would never, ever end.


But, finally!  Finally back to our babies!

 A new reason to enjoy windy days!

And of course I chose the dinosaur one.

Chomp chomp chomp!

I’ve been trying so hard to get out of the house more.  Next month we’re seeing Andrea Gibson and David Sedaris!  And I bought tickets to Evil Dead: The Musical!  And and we’re going to Acro-Cats in July!  So much good stuff!

Books Read in January, February, & March
The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne M Valence
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Man Upstairs & Other Stories by PG Wodehouse
Uneasy Money by PG Wodehouse
The Time Dissolver by by Jerry Sohl
The Seventh Science Fiction Megapack: 25 Modern & Classic Stories
The Eighth Science Fiction Megapack: 25 Modern & Classic Stories
The Swiss Family RobinZOM: The Classic Family Adventure...Now With Zombies! by Perrin Briar
Closet Full of Coke: A Diary of a Teenage Drug Queen by Indra Sena
The End by Matt Shaw
Diary of a Sixth Grade Ninja by Marcus Emerson
Dirty White Boy by Frank Peterson
Street Child by Justin Reed Early
Midnight Cowboy by James Leo Herlihy
The Mermaid’s Sister by Carrie Anne Noble
While the World is Still Asleep by Petra Durst-Benning
The Glassblower by Petra Durst-Benning
Dracula by Bram Stoker

Friday, February 12, 2016


When your psychiatrist brings up electroshock therapy…  That’s when you know you’re super crazy!  No, really, has anyone done ECT?  It seems unlikely as it doesn’t appear to happen often.  I honestly doubt it’ll happen as I’m guessing my insurance doesn’t cover it.  But, we shall see.  If my current med change doesn’t pull me out of this, he wants to discuss ECT.

I’ve been in a really bad place and have been the last several months.  We spent a week in Austin for Christmas with Matt’s family.  We got back on the 30th and on the 31st Matt’s dad had a stroke.  He had to have brain surgery and was put on life support.  Matt flew back and forth several times, at one point he spent a week there.  His will made it clear that he didn’t want to be on life support and his doctors saw no hope of improvement so we went down to be there when he was removed from it.  God, it was painful and it hit me so much harder than I would have ever expected it to.  I mean, I barely knew the guy, right?  But still…  See, he was a good dad.  The kind of dad everyone hopes for and I was looking forward to getting to know him and being part of their family.  I wanted to have him in my life, I wanted him to be my father-in-law.  And I hoped, one day, I’d be able to call him “dad.”  I mean, he bought me books and asked me questions about things he heard on Savage Love and he called our kitties his “grandcats!”  How could I not adore him?!

When Matt and I were the only ones there, I asked for a minute alone with his dad.  I held his hand and sobbed and thanked him for raising such an amazing and kind son and I promised I’d take care of him and protect him forever.  I told him how badly I’d wanted to know him better and how much I appreciated how loved and welcomed he always made me feel.  I told him he was the father I always wanted and that I loved him already.

Monday morning the priest from his church arrived and prayed as his entire family and closest friends surrounded his hospital bed.  He was removed from life support that night and they expected him to pass within an hour but he hung around for a whole other day.  His funeral and wake were that Friday.  He was a lawyer so he took care of every detail in advance, wrote out specifically what he wanted done, what he wanted read at the funeral, what he wanted played at his wake…  That was his one demand, that he get a proper Irish wake.

The flags on the capitol building were flown at half mast and the wake was held on the roof across from it.  He got the proper Irish wake he wanted; booze flowed and everyone laughed through their tears while person after person stood up to honor him and share stories.  All these judges and high powered attorneys and politicians breaking down and being...human.  The very large church was standing room only and packed while there were so many people at the wake you literally couldn’t move.  Seriously, no joke, everyone loved him.

I reacted so strongly to his death that I actually felt really guilty, as if I were usurping his family's pain.  Like, I was sobbing so hard i couldn’t breathe.  For days and days since we heard.  Every time I thought of it, I starting crying uncontrollably.  I could barely function.  Honestly, I reacted harder than I did at my own dad’s death.  And i felt so selfish.  No matter how many friends and Matt said it wasn’t selfish to feel that way but…

I mean, I was going to finally have a dad, ya know?  I was going to finally have a kind and loving and non-abusive father.  Maybe in a few years i could even call him that!  (Though I was worried he’d think I was a weirdo if I did!)  We got along so well and I was looking forward so hard to knowing him, to being a part of a loving and supportive family.  The kind of family I never even dreamed of because it seemed so impossible.  And now it feel as if it’s been taken from me before I could even have it.

I’m mourning for his friends, his family, his wife, his sons, his siblings, all of them.  My heart breaks for them and I cry for Matt every time he breaks down in bed, in the dark.  To some degree, I’m selfishly mourning for myself too.  And I feel so shitty, making it all about me.  It just hit me so hard and I don’t know why.  It was partly that the timing was atrocious because I was already spiralling into a deep depression and being suicidal so this just pushed me over the edge.  I couldn’t stop obsessing over the thought of Matt or I dying, over the waste of my life, of leaving nothing behind, of existing instead of truly living.  I’ve stabilized over the last week or so (yet another meds change) but, god, it was a bad time.

I’ve just been so...blank lately.  And when I wasn’t blank, I was wanting to kill myself. I can’t remember the last time my depression was that severe.  I was obsessed with suicide.  To the point that I nearly asked Matt to lock up all the knives.  I can’t count how many times I thought I’d have to go to the psych hospital.  But, as I said, this last week has been a lot better, so I’m hopeful.

Books Read in November & December
A Head Full of Ghosts by Paul Tremblay
Sweet Dreams Are Made of Teeth by Richard Roberts
Bird Box by Josh Malarian
The Hangman's Daughter by Oliver Pötzsch
The Dark Monk by Oliver Pötzsch
The Beggar King by Oliver Pötzsch
The Poisoned Pilgrim by Oliver Pötzsch
The Werewolf of Bamberg by Oliver Pötzsch
Glitch by Hugh Howey
Dark Destinies by Patrick C Greene
Suck My Cosmos by Steven Campbell
Whose Body? by Dorothy L Sayers
Clouds of Witness by Dorothy L Sayers
Unnatural Death by Dorothy L Sayers
Lord Peter Views The Body by Dorothy L Sayers
Strong Poison by Dorothy L Sayers
The Five Red Herrings by Dorothy L Sayers
Have His Carcase by Dorothy L Sayers
Hangman's Holiday by Dorothy L Sayers
Murder Must Advertise by Dorothy L Sayers
The Nine Tailors by Dorothy L Sayers
Gaudy Night by Dorothy L Sayers
Busman's Honeymoon by Dorothy L Sayers
In the Teeth of the Evidence by Dorothy L Sayers
Striding Folly by Dorothy L Sayers
Scabs by Wrath James White
The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett
A Hat Full of Sky by Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith by Terry Pratchett
I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett
Sick Bastards by Matt Shaw
SickER Bastards by Matt Shaw
sickEST Bastards by Matt Shaw
Snuff by Matt Shaw
Paralysed by Matt Shaw
Porn by Matt Shaw
WHORE by Matt Shaw
Home-Video by Matt Shaw
The 8th by Matt Shaw
Tortured by Matt Shaw
Behind Closed Doors by Matt Shaw
The Big Blue by Matt Shaw
Deathworld by Harry Harrison
Deathworld 2 by Harry Harrison
Planet of the Damned by Harry Harrison
The Mystery of the Fires by Edith Lavell
The Blue Envelope by Roy J Snell
The Cruise of the O-Moo by Roy J Snell

And that makes 240 books in 2015!

Monday, November 16, 2015

Sex? Ew.

Since moving to Colorado in March, my sex drive has been non-existent.  Like, I don’t even think “non-existent” does it justice.  Is it possible for a sex drive to be in the negative?  Because, if so,...yeah.  At first I chalked it up to how sick I was due to the change in altitude and my gallbladder-from-hell.  But, hi, I moved here in March and it’s now November.  And it seemed to be getting worse, definitely not better, even as I started improving otherwise.  I didn’t want to be touched.  At all.  I didn’t want to even think about being touched.  Nothing turned me on.  I couldn’t even fake it if I tried.  I masturbated maybe once a month.  It was just absolutely ridiculous and, though I’ve had a few bouts of low libido in the past, it was never anywhere near as bad as it was now.

When Matt and I first met, I was as insatiable as always.  I’d been whoring it up like crazy the five years prior and having constant access to someone who turned me on so much made sure my sex drive was even higher than usual.  Then I moved here.  And everything changed.  It got progressively worse and worse.  I didn’t even want to think about anything sexual, much less do it.  And, god, I felt so shitty about it.  On so many levels.  My relationship with Matt was getting more and more strained because I couldn’t explain what was wrong or what I needed in order to improve it.  I suddenly didn’t want to be kissed or touched or fucked.  I wanted zero sex and zero kink.  It was the sexual equivalent of a bait and switch!  I went from insatiable perv to frigid within a few months!

Matt told me over and over that he loved me no matter what.  That even if we never had sex again, he wouldn’t love me any less.  He’d marry me even if he knew we’d never touch again.  He just needed to know what was happening and what I needed from him.  We had so many conversations that ended in tears.  I kept telling him I was comfortable doing x, y, and z and then not do x, y, and z even when I, intellectually, wanted it to happen.  The problem was, I’d tell him what I wished I could do and not what I was actually capable of.  And that just made things worse because I was creating expectations and making promises that I could never meet...even when I desperately wished I could do so.  We reached a point where, in tears, I finally said he couldn’t expect anything from me sexually or kink-wise.  And, god, I felt gutted and was terrified to finally say the words out loud because 1) I didn’t want to believe it was true and 2) I was just so sure he’d leave me once I admitted I couldn’t currently offer him anything in that regard.

Sex and kink were such a big part of our lives and not having it was really painful for both of us.  He blamed himself and was sure he’d done something wrong, something to make me no longer want him.  I kept telling him, over and over, it’s no you, I don’t want to fuck anyone.  I hadn’t see a fuck buddy or been touched by anyone else in months.  Hell, I didn’t even touch myself.  But the change was so sudden and so drastic that he couldn't help but feel he was to blame.

Over the years, my sexuality gave me so much power and so much confidence that I felt shattered without it.  Even though I was the one saying no to everyone, I still felt ugly and undesirable because of it.  I felt as if I’d lost so much personal power and so much control over my life.  I was having hard bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts.  This fucking body that’s been a source of so much pain my entire life couldn’t even bring me sexual pleasure anymore.  It took me so many years to finally acknowledge and embrace that I was an explosively sexual being and it felt as if I were regressing back to that place of self loathing.  And, god, I didn’t want to go back.

In October I saw how unhappy both Matt and I were with the situation and I realized, okay, this is seriously not going to just get better on its own.  I honestly thought it would.  Initially I chalked it up to my severe elevation sickness, then my gallbladder attacks, then just my bodies general shittiness but it had been six months since I’d really felt any sexual desire and that’s just fucking ridiculous!  It went from just-give-me-some-time-and-it’ll-pass to okay-holy-shit-this-is-a-serious-issue-that-needs-to-be-dealt-with-NOW.

I thought about the last six months and what changed since moving here.  I started going through my medications and the only thing that fit timeline-wise was a change in my Neurontin.  Neurontin helps my nerve damage/pain and my dosage had been tripled since I moved here.  And research shows that a decreased libido is a hugely prevalent side effect.  Because, hi, when a medication treats nerve pain, it doesn’t always know exactly which nerves to deaden and which to keep active.  So to stop the crippling pain elsewhere, the medication just shut it alllll down.

The next week I saw my pain specialist and told him what happening and how it was negatively impacting my life.  I told him it wasn’t a side effect I could live with.  No problem, switched me over to Lyrica.  That was about a month ago and, as of last week, my sex drive is back with a vengeance!  Hell, that’s an understatement!  The weekend was a damn cavalcade of sex and kink!  I’d missed it so fucking much and it felt so incredibly good to have that part of myself and our relationship back.

Moral of the story?  Don’t be embarrassed to talk to  your doctors about medication impacting your sexy times!  A fucked up libido/inability to orgasm is the side effect of so many damn pills.  It isn’t your fault and your doctor exists to help you live the best life you can.  So, speak up, damn it!  It isn’t always easy but it’s definitely worth it.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Hoverboards and Giant Brooms

On 10/21/15 we went to the Back to the Future trilogy marathon at Alamo Drafthouse! It was fucking awesome! And so many people dressed up and brought props!


 We went to the Denver Art Museum on their monthly free day.

My absolute favorite thing:

Halloween was dullsville.  I thought that since our apartment complex has a ton of kids, we'd get a decent number of trick-or-treaters.  Alas, none.  I wasn't really in a holiday mood anyway.  I usually itch to decorate for every damn holiday that comes along but this year...meh.  Hopefully that's not the case for Christmas.  I mean, I've already bought Christmas cards, stamps, labels, and stickers and can't wait to work on them so that's a good sign!

Monday, November 2, 2015

Visiting Ouray!

For Matt’s birthday/our one-year anniversary, we spent three nights in Ouray, Colorado.  It’s a  town known for its hot springs.  It’s also known as the “Switzerland of America”!  Which never fails to amuse me.

We ran into a winter wonderland when we hit the highest elevation during our drive there!

Thew view from our room at Twin Peaks Lodge!

(Because he’s an engineer!)

There were a ton of mountain drives, soaking in hot springs, exploring abandoned mine towns, and sleeping and watching TV in a crazy comfortable bed with, like, 20 pillows.  And so much yummy food!  We just missed the season so a lot of stuff was closed but we’re hoping to make it a yearly excursion so, next time!  We watched the sunrise from the hotel hot tub and it was just...beautiful.  Climbing into the 105F hot spring made me, literally, moan with pleasure.  Matt managed to find me the vent that was pumping in burning hot water so I sat in front of it until my legs were scalded and felt raw the rest of the night.  God...soooo good.

I had such a wonderful time; I really do hope we go again!  So relaxing, so calming, and so so so much beauty.

Books Read in October
Lost Boi by Sassafras Lowrey - A kinky, gender/queer, dirty gutter punk retelling of Peter Pan. What more can a grrrl ask for!?
Quite Contrary by Richard Roberts - A dark and twisted fairy tale I loved so so so much.
Please Don't Tell My Parents I'm a Supervillain by Richard Roberts
Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery
Anne of Avonlea by LM Montgomery
Chronicles of Avonlea by LM Montgomery
Screw the Galaxy by Steven Campbell
Basketful of Crap by Steven Campbell
Prince of Suck by Steven Campbell
Hard Luck Hank: Early Years by Steven Campbell
Delovoa by Steven Campbell
My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Right Ho, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Wild Seed by Octavia Butler
Dawn by Octavia Butler
Unexpected Stories by Octavia Butler
The Man Who Knew Too Much by GK Chesterton
Secret Adversary by Agatha Christie
Harry Potter 1, 2, 3 by JK Rowling
Wool 1, 2, 3, 4 by Hugh Howey
Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie
Seed by Ania Ahlborn
Sylvia Plath: A Biography by Linda Wagner-Martin
Colt Coltrane and the Stolen Sky by Allison M Dickson
Terrible Cherubs: Tales of Sinners, Mistakes, and Regrets
Guardian of the Orchard by Patrick C Greene
Trick by Patrick C Greene
The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
The Mysterious Affair at Styles by Agatha Christie