Wednesday, October 15, 2014

And, just like that, - thanks to my friend in Vegas - the Kenny Rogers art collection was reborn.

Yes, that IS a giant pink inflatable dinosaur.  Jealous?

Look how adorable Toni Tails made me!!

I’ve reached 100 books read!  I was hoping to beat my 2012 record of 153 but that’s not going to happen.  Maybe next year!

As of the 12th, I’ve lived in Alabama for four years!  It’s crazy but wonderful.  I’m happier than I’ve ever been  and that’s completely because of the people and resources I have here.


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Halloween Countdown Has Begun!

It’s Halloween tiiiiiiiiime!  Dollar store decor fo’ life!

I like dressing up the flamingos for holidays.

Pho, Thai beer, frozen yogurt, and cross stitch made for a perfect evening.  And Fatty Patty fell madly in love with her Auntie Carter!  We definitely need another Craft Night soon.

I made this to go above my bed.  Mwahahaha!  #slut

I saw my therapist the other day.  We talked a lot about my ex roommate and the situation I felt stuck in.  I said, “I don’t understand why the hell I got in that situation.”  “Because you have a huge heart and you wear that heart on your sleeve.  You see the best in everyone.”  “I just…I like that of me, I don’t want to lose that.  And she said, “You can have a bleeding heart without bleeding yourself to death.  You’re kind and giving but you can be cautious and protect yourself and still keep those parts of you.”

She goes on maternity leave at the end of the month.  I can see another therapist while she’s gone but only if it’s an emergency.  Which I totally understand as the clinic is always swamped but still…it makes me a bit nervous.  I believe the therapy group is going to be run by another therapist in her absence.  I haven’t been to individual therapy in several months and my trip plus constant car trouble means I haven’t been to  group in five weeks.  I don’t even know if I’m even still allowed/wanted back at this point.  Getting my bearings and refocusing on my mental (and physical) health was definitely one of my bigger goals after returning from the trip.

Monday, September 29, 2014

San Jose, Seattle, & Las Vegas

I took next to no photos on this trip; I'm not sure what that was all about.

In the first airport my shoes rubbed my feet bloody and both of the backpack's zippers broke.  Fucking Hello Kitty.  I was adorable for a minute!

Sonya and Tyler aka The Bride and Groom!  I've known Sonya for 12 years and this was our first time meeting in person!!  When I arrived to be her bridesmaid!  I can't even tell you how honored I was to be part of their wedding.  Blown away, amazed, speechlessly honored.

"I wish I could have done more.  Basically all I did was show up."  "From ALABAMA!"  "Okay, I forgot that part."

Her maid-of-honor did my hair and makeup.  "So do you want to do bright or do you want to do can't do subtle, Heidi."  Hahahahaha, truer words have never been spoken!  So she gave me bright multicolored eyes and hot pink lips!

They had their wedding at The Winchester Mystery House and, because they're giant nerds, it was book themed.  We carried hardcover copies of our favorite books down the aisle, their rings were held in a hollowed out book, the table bouquets were made from book pages, the cake was a book, the guestbook was blank book spines...  Needless to say, "You realize that if I ever get married, I'm stealing your theme."  He walked down the aisle to the Superman theme and she to an instrumental of GnR's Sweet Child o' Mine.  The ceremony was short and lovely.  The food was amazing.  It was so much fun!  It was just all so laid back and authentic and joyous!  It was wonderful.

The maid-of-honor and my fellow bridesmaids!

I finally met Poliana and she has the greatest tattoo ever.  SHE'S A LIBRARIAN!


And drank watermelon beer!

Sarra and Mike!

We went to a showing of The Apple.  I...I don't even.

Statue of Lenin!

We went to the Pigs Peace Sanctuary and petted and fed rescued piggies!  Yeah, won't be eating pork ever again.

Um, did you know pigs could grow to this size?!

Cassandra!!  Oh my god, I love her so much!  We met the first time when she and her husband oh so kindly put me up for the night as I drove through Texas on my way to Alabama.  I just adore her.

I went to a kink party for introverts at The Center For Sex Positive Culture with an internet friend.  It was a slow party (not much play) but I had a lot of fun hanging out with her!  Plus she had a sub rub my neck and shoulders and fetch me things.  So, near the beginning of the night I point to this guy and say, "I'd really like to make out with him."  We mention it a few times through the night, trying to figure out a way to get him to come over, but don't actually go through with anything.  Then at the end of the night, he makes eye contact and comes over and introduces himself.  We're all talking and I bust out with, "I hope this isn't creepy but you're really cute!"  He says I'm cute too, chit chat chit chat chit chat, then my friend says, "...she's only here for a few more days."  At which point I say, "So if you wanted to make out with me, you should move fast."  He smiles big, comes over, takes my hand, and leads me in to the back room where all the beds are.  And that's how I ended up fucking a hot boy in Seattle.  All I could think was, god DAMN, clearly I need to be bolder on a regular basis!

I met Sonya!  I had soooo much fun with her and we got along so well!

I did my first cross-stitch project!  Sarra and I cross-stitched while watching Buffy from the beginning.  I fucked up a lot but enjoyed doing it.

Second project!  Okay, I fucked this one up a LOT a lot so I'm going to redo it.  I had no idea I'd enjoy cross-stitch so much!

You can't imagine how much I ate while in Seattle.  Sarra and Mike shoveled so much incredible vegan food into my face that I was in a near-constant coma of delicious!  Gyros, deep dish Chicago-style pizza, burritos, homemade butter, homemade jam, ice cream sandwiches, cupcakes, chocolate mousse, crab rangoon in duck sauce, pizza with kale, hot peppers, and green tomatoes, cinnamon rolls...  MY GOD.

Bye Seattle!  Don't worry, I'll be back!

Then I headed to Las Vegas, where I took no photos because I'm the worst.

Lots of cuddling and kissing.  I had a really lovely time being with him even though it was partially heartbreaking as well.  Things just aren't going to work.  For now?  I don't know if "for now" is overly optimistic but, anyway, yeah.  Heartbreak.  But it's okay, because romantic partnership doesn't determine my worth, you know?  So I had an emotional meltdown and felt completely rejected but, honestly, I'm accepting it a lot quicker than I expected.'s okay.  It really is okay.  I finally got to spend time with him and be held by him and I saw Girls and I was able to hang out with the mutual friend who introduced us...  It was a good time.  Oh and I had decided to make one of his fantasies happen and ended up with it being the kinkiest and hottest sexual experience of my entire life so that was an awesome bonus!

I came home and collapsed for several days, basically falling apart completely.  I saw the chiropractor and got a massage a few days later so that helped a lot.  As wonderful as it was to see everyone, I was really happy to be back.  I missed these furry bastards!

Flying While Fat
All in all, the travel itself was good.  I have zero issues with flying, aside from the space issues, which are why I don't fly.  This time I flew Southwest and bought two seats for each flight.  If you buy two seats for yourself, SW refunds you the cost of the extra one after the flight!  It was a no-brainer for me.  A) There's no way I'd be even remotely comfortable sitting next to someone with the armrest down and b) I know a lot of fat+ folks disagree with me here but, I absolutely do not want to encroach on anyone else's space, even if that means spending more.  If you buy yourself two seats you also get to preboard!  So I was able to snag the front row, giving myself even more space.  The person who sat in the row's  third seat loved me as they got to share in that empty seat as well.  I definitely needed seatbelt extenders but no attendant has ever been an asshole about it.  I avoided the plane bathrooms like the plague so I ended up dehydrated but, whatev, worth it to me.  If you have mobility issues, you can get wheelchair-ed to and from the gates (just call the airline and set it up ahead of time).  I did that at a couple of the airports due to pain and Hello Kitty induced wounds.  Just don't forget to tip!  I tip high since, well, I always do and, hi, I'm a heavy load!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

It's time to forget about being lovable. And in fact, it's time to forsake someone else's idea of what gives you a spark or no spark. Block the "other" from this picture. No more audience. You are the cherished and the cherisher. You are the eminently lovable and the lover. You are a million brilliant sparks, flashing against a midnight sky. Stop making room for someone else to sit down. Fuck "good" partners. Fuck waiting to be let in. You are already in. You are in. Cherish yourself.

Fuck wondering if you're lovable. Fuck asking someone else, "Am I there yet?" Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. Don't grow up to be one of those women with a perpetual question mark etched into her brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough?

You are here. Sit down. Feel your potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today. Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words: YOU ARE HERE. You are here. Cherish yourself.

Dear Polly

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Food and Adventure!

(I talk about food and amounts eaten, fyi)

So have I mentioned that I’m applying to a university for fall 2015?  I’m terrified.  Like…holy god terrified.  It’s not even a community college, it’s a straight up university.  Oh god.  One of the local universities offers e-programs and I think that’d be a good way to get myself used to being in school again while still being able to work with my depression and anxiety issues.

Since moving I have made the following:
  • Chicken salad with pecans and dried cherries (loved)
  • Chicken salad with dried cherries, dried cranberries, and slivered almonds (loved)
  • Whole wheat pasta with a chunky avocado sauce, parmesan, shrimp, and a lot of red pepper flakes (loved it in it’s final form)
  • Curry with tofu, straw mushrooms, baby corn, and tomatoes (it was just a jarred sauce I added the tofu and veggies to and I really didn’t care for it, need to try making my own)
  • Jerk talapia tacos topped with honeydew melon and lime (I don’t eat red or green onions or cilantro so that’s probably why they were blander than expected, even with a scotch bonnet pepper)
  • Hardboiled eggs
  • A shit-ton of squash and zucchini

I’ve also eaten a lot of clementines, grapes, and pumpkin seeds.  I’m already eating 1000% better than I was before.  And by “better” I just mean “what I actually want and that makes my body happy.”  I just need to focus on giving my body what it wants, when it wants it, but also taking in enough calories to function and thrive.

On Thursday I begin my journey.  At the end I will have met Sonya in person for the first time, been her bridesmaid, met 1/2 a dozen internet friends, eaten vegan for over a week, seen a million roadside attractions, met the man I’m in love with (yeah, you heard me), been on six different airplanes, worn nothing but dresses, read a lot, and missed my cats and bed.  I’m scared.  As I always am.  But my friends love me and want to spend time and have fun with me and I want that so badly as well.  I wish I had thought to get something from my psychiatrist for anxiety/panic because I am going to be flooded with both over the next month.  Ack and my pain levels will be hella jacked up and I'll probably need several days to recuperate after each flight.  But OH MY GOD this is going to be an incredible adventure and I’m so lucky and appreciative that my friends are making this possible!!

Books Read in July & August
The Jungle by Upton Sinclair (Could any book be as heartbreaking as this one?  Jesus Christ.)
Firestarter by Stephen King
Nightmares and Dreamscapes by Stephen King
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling
The White Seal by Rudyard Kipling
Rikki-Tikki-Tavi by Rudyard Kipling
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L Frank Baum
The Marvelous Land of Oz by by L Frank Baum
Ozma of Oz by L Frank Baum
Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz by L Frank Baum
The Road to Oz by L Frank Baum
The Emerald City of Oz by L Frank Baum
The Patchwork Girl of Oz by L Frank Baum
Tik-Tok of Oz by L Frank Baum
The Scarecrow of Oz by L Frank Baum
Rinkitink In Oz by L Frank Baum

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Backward and Forward


I've been reading your blog for years and years. I am trying to think of how to say this without being an ahole. You have been stuck on these same issues forever. Your lisst of things to talk about are no different from what they were 5 years ago. You endured horrible traumas while growing up- things I can't even imagine. But I wonder at what point do you decide to let your present and future win? Be stronger from your experience and get up, get out and do something with your life? You are fun and bright and have so much to offer. It seems sad that instead your mind is stuck on all the negative and bad in your life.

A close friend of my mother's was sexually abused by her father and his friends. She is now about 55 and has wasted her life away being angry and stuck on what happened. I hate to say it, but her life has no present meaning. She is crabby and alone.

I hope you are able to take this with the positive (tho frustrated) viewpoint that is intended. Like I said, I have not experienced this sort of trauma, but I want you to use your powers to rise above and stop dwelling.

(I replied to this already but I’m going to flesh my answer out a bit better now.)

Oh no, please don't think you're being an asshole!  I absolutely know what you mean.  In real life I really am a happy and positive person who is hopeful and optimistic.  And cheerful, holy god am I cheerful!  (None of this is going to be about who I am during depressive states.  Because who I am then isn’t under my control and I’m hoping that everyone who is reading this understands at least that much about psychiatric health.)  Currently, I'm the happiest I've ever been.  But I guess I worry there's some hidden shit that I don't know about and haven't dealt with the way I should.  I don't know how to explain it so bear with me!

I honestly don't think about this stuff in general day-to-day life.  I don't often get triggered or overwhelmed by the distant past.  I guess maybe I feel "moving on" means diving into it as deeply as I can and really digging it out.  I guess I just feel like I haven’t done enough work for my growth to count or be real.

I'm not angry at either of my parents anymore.  I feel sad for them but I’m no longer letting them control me.  Two of my exes were dicks but I just have to try to not repeat my mistakes.  I'm growing and improving and being so much better at taking care of myself and making better decisions.  My therapist and therapy group see HUGE improvements in me.  And, like, I honestly see some improvement in myself too!  Which kinda blows me away.

I mean, I do dwell on things for longer than I’d like and longer than is healthy.  I totally do and I totally own that.  But now I really do try to stop myself as it’s happening and put a positive spin on it.  It doesn’t always happen but I do try.  I mean, I’m hella flawed.  I bitch too much and I’m terrified of confrontation and I’m antisocial and I find it exceedingly difficult to forgive myself and I struggle with hating myself.  But maybe those are things I should work on in the moment instead of only trying to figure out what exact part of my past created them.  I mean, does it even matter what precise moment of my past caused it?  Should I focus solely on the past instead of trying to create a future?

I guess I sometimes worry that maybe I haven't moved on at all and only THINK this stuff doesn't impact me.  (I mean, I know it does, but it doesn't impact me to the degree that I think it should.)  I’ve never been happy before.  I’ve never been joyful.  I’ve never loved life so intensely and passionately.  I don’t know what I’m doing!

I worry sometimes that bubbling beneath the surface is every issue on the face of the earth and they’ll eventually spring up and be too much for me to handle.  That I’m somehow deluding myself into believing I’m this happy and safe.  That I’m somehow deluding myself into believing I’ve moved on as much as I have.  It’s like I’m forcing myself to dwell because I’m worried I haven’t worked through it yet.  Shouldn't "moving on" involve sobbing in a therapist's office over this shit?  Or delving into the past and reliving it?

But, then again,…  I HAVE cried over this shit. I’ve cried a million fucking tears over it.  And I HAVE relived it.  A million fucking times.  So maybe I have done what I need to do with all of it.  I mean, yes, this stuff is going to come up again and again.  When I date or when I have to say “no” to someone or when I look in the mirror and want to cry or sometimes out of nowhere with no pinpointable cause but why should I dredge it up myself, again and again, just in case?

I’m not saying I won’t write about this shit because I will.  I’ll write about it a million times if I need to.  And I'll talk about my past.  But maybe I don’t need to be unhappy in the meantime.  Maybe I can try to understand that there is no finish line when it comes to healing from trauma.  That no matter how hard I try, I won’t reach a perfect and mythical state of “completely healed.”  That life is going to bring shit back up no matter how far beyond it I think I am.  That writing about it and talking about it IS important and necessary but I don’t have to be unhappy while waiting for myself to be “cured”.  That I don’t have to put life on hold until I’m healthy enough to move forward.  Because maybe I’m already healthy enough to forge ahead.

I'm in no way saying I'm done with my past.  I'm still going to journal and I'm still going process.  I'm still going to write about those topics.  I have to write about it and I have to talk about it because that's the only way I'm going to continue to heal and become the person I want to be.  But maybe this shouldn’t be solely about thinking and thinking and thinking; maybe this should also be about doing.  Doing different, doing better, doing more.  Maybe this isn’t only about pushing myself into the past but should also be about pushing myself into the future.


Friday, August 22, 2014


The level of “mistake” that my ex Brian took me to is…mind boggling. We started dating a month after my dad’s suicide. In retrospect, this isn’t a surprise. I needed distraction; I needed something else to focus on; I needed something and someone to run to; I needed to hide from reality.  I was 30 and he was only my second boyfriend.  My first relationship being a nightmare, I had no idea what a normal, healthy relationship was.

He was a con man and I was his mark. But he said he loved me. And why would anyone lie about that? I’d never lie about that so how could anyone else? I was a goddamn idiot.

I ignored everyone and everything that told me I was wrong; that I was acting out of desperation. That I was being used and I deserved better. I ignored my friends. I ignored my mom. I ignored his sister. I ignored his brother in law. I ignored his ex-girlfriend. I ignored my instincts. Dude, I ignored things online talking about what a manipulative piece of shit he was (because I believed him when he said it wasn’t true.) And, god, it takes a lot of effort to ignore that many people. In four months I was annihilated. Him still being in love with his ex, shitty sex, childishness, immaturity, narcissism, constant manipulation, user, mooch, thief. Liar. Lies. So many lies.

Do you know the thing that hurt the most? Him posting pictures on MySpace of the camping trip we and his sister and brother-in-law went on and all the ones of me had been deleted. And he didn’t mention me once in writing about it. They were both so glaringly intentional. Which meant he was either trying to get laid/find someone new via MySpace or he was ashamed of me. And considering we were always together, the latter was obviously the case. And that gutted me. More so because my last boyfriend had been ashamed of me too. To the point of not taking me out in public. So, once again, I was so fucking disgusted with myself. I’m so fat and ugly that no one can admit he’s desperate enough to be with me. And at that moment I understood. I understood why he would be. I mean, look at me, right? No wonder I didn’t end things…I was already so fucking used to it.

What if no one else loves me? Even though this isn’t love. What if this is the best I’ll ever have? Even though this is truly the worst. I’m so tired of being alone but what if I truly am so gross that no one will ever want to be seen with me?

As soon as I couldn’t give him what he wanted, he dumped me over text. I was crushed but also relieved because I couldn’t end it earlier. Why didn’t I listen and just walk away? No one understood why I didn’t end it first. Neither did I, really. I wanted to and I knew it was the right thing to do but I just…couldn’t.

I invested so much and I just desperately needed to believe he would be with me. Would love me. If I gave him what he wanted, he’d stay. I can earn his love and he’ll stay with me if I just try harder. I can earn his love. I can earn his love. I can earn his love. Just like I tried to earn the love of the boyfriend before him. Just like I tried so hard to earn the love of my parents. And I failed every damn time.

He had complete power over everything, including the end. Why I didn’t take, at least, the power of ending the shitty situation I was in? Because I was desperate enough to stay.

Why was I so desperate? Why didn’t I run immediately? Why didn’t I see his lies and manipulations as deal breakers? Why did I let him use me and destroy me? Why didn’t I think I was worthy enough? Because I never had been. I never thought I could be loved without sacrifice and constant effort on my part. It was all I ever knew.

The only good thing that happened was saying no when he tried to get me back. Well, actually, his ex and I ended up liking each other and being friendly. And then she introduced me to a friend of hers on Facebook who I currently have a mega crush on. Also, several lessons learned. So I guess some good ultimately came of it. But I still want to punch that fucker in the throat!

This contains more questions than answers because I really don’t know all the answers. But it helps explain why my being in a relationship right now would be a horrible idea. Because I still fear ending up in the same situation.  I need to focus on bettering myself and not worry about whether or not someone wants to date me.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

NSFW - Sex Toy Review

Under The Bed Restraint System
Dimensions: 60” adjustable straps - will fit up to a California King sized bed.

I couldn’t get good pictures because my sheets are black so I yoinked shamelessly from the internet.

Okay, so. I’ve wanted this restraint system for years because I had no headboard and it seemed perfect. I still don’t have a headboard and it’s perfect!

It was fairly easy to install; it would’ve been much easier if my bed weren’t pushed into a corner so I could have just slid them under and pulled them from the other side. But I made it work! Perviness is the mother of invention, after all.

I attached my partner at the wrists and ankles and totally had my way with him. He really liked it! Shortening and lengthening the straps are super easy. The cuffs are soft and comfortable and leave no marks. He felt restrained and secured. I screwed up and left one wrist kinda loose but he said he liked that because, when I got close enough, he could reach out and touch my body (and he really wanted to touch my body. Bluuuuuuuuuuush.)  Oh my god, it was so hot.  Hot hot hotttttt.  Rawr.

If the restrainee struggles hard the straps do slide around a bit but I think putting them up over the sides of the bed (instead of over the person’s head) causes them to move less.

I love this system. It would be an awesome way to introduce bondage into your sex life as it’s easy to use and not at all intimidating.

Go get yourself the Under The Bed Restraint System and get to restrainin’!

Aesthetics ♥♥♥♥
Partner Play ♥♥♥♥
Overall ♥♥♥♥

If you’ve never bought from Good Vibes before, you can get 10% off for joining their email list! Also, they’re awesome so you should buy from them anyway!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014


Motherfucking fuck.  I drove an hour to see a movie by itself but, hi, it was Godzilla Rifftrax so I didn’t even hesitate!  There were technical difficulties so it started really late so they gave us refunds and free passes!  And, of course, Godzilla was amazing.  I’m going to use my pass in a couple of months when they do Rifftrax for Anaconda!  So, yeah, my night was great.  Then…

I’m heading home on the freeway and boom my tire blows out.  Okay, it sucks but it’s not a huge deal, I have AAA.  Except my phone battery is dead.  And I don’t have a car charger.  FUCK FUCK FUCK.  I spend almost an hour trying to flag down a car so I can beg to use their cell to make a call.  Not a single person pulls over.  I’m in the middle of nowhere and am panicking because I have no clue what to do.  I make the very poor decision to drive on the flat, figuring I’m bound to hit a gas station or something in a couple of miles.  10 motherfucking miles later, still nothing.  I know I’ve fucked up my rim and the brakes aren’t working so I stop again.

Once again I attempt to flag down a car.  After 30 or 40 minutes of being ignored, a cop pulls over.  He lets me use his phone and I call for AAA to send a tow truck.  It’s supposed to be there in 45 minutes.  An hour and 1/2 later…  I’d totally dozed off.  He takes my car to the mechanic’s lot and asks if I have someone coming to pick me up.  It’s after 2am so I say, no, I’ll just sleep in my car until they open.  Turns out that’s not allowed so he ends up taking me home himself.

I am so fucked, you guys.  And am dreading the call from the mechanics.  HEY I GUESS I SHOULD BUY A CAR CHARGER, HUH.

I finished up all the training and background and reference checks so I can start volunteering at the domestic violence center.  Um, once I have transportation.  I’m looking forward to it and they’re looking forward to having someone who says things such as, “Feel free to give me the mind-numbing, monotonous work…I’m good at it!”

Housewarming gift from Katy!!

Gratuitous cat photo!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I haven’t been writing.  Not public, not private, not anything.  I don’t even really talk much in therapy these days.  Life is good right now but I don’t want to be complacent.  Life is good because I don’t push myself to deal with the parts that weren’t good for almost my entire life.  I get messages telling me I’ve bettered someone’s life, that I’ve helped someone understand.  When I don’t write I feel as if I’m letting people down but I also feel that I’m letting myself down.  It’s impossible for me to feel whole when I don’t write, even if it’s just summaries of adventures or hopes.  So.  Now that my move is completely over, I want to refocus on it.

Things I Want/Need to Write About

Mental Health / Depression / Suicidal Ideation
Mine and my parents’.

Childhood Abuse
Emotional, physical, and sexual.

Never Really Having a Childhood
Being parentified at a very early age and the way it’s impacted me in adulthood.

20 Years of Disordered Eating
Bulimia, anorexia, and binge-eating.

Self Love and Loathing

Body Shame
How my weight has changed and impacted me over the years.  How weight fluctuations still shape the way I see myself.

My Dad’s Suicide

David’s Suicide
My boyfriend killed himself.

My first boyfriend.

Brian (here)
My second boyfriend.

Allowing Myself to be Used Constantly / My Inability to Say No

Fear of…Everything

Fear and Avoidance of Anger
I turn it all inward.

Please love me.

Abandonment Issues
Please don’t leave me.

Making Mistakes and the Inability to Forgive Myself

Well.  This should keep me busy!