Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Last week I started having intense pain right below my sternum that radiated through to my back.  The level of pain was absolutely crippling; I thought I was going to puke from it.  Even drugged up, I couldn’t sleep because it was so severe.  Oh my fucking god, it was so bad I thought I was stroking out.  I did some Googling and it sounds like I may have gallstones.  Which is pretty common among people who’ve had WLS.  It lasted 15 fucking hours before finally subsiding.  I saw my new GP a few days later and she’s sending me for an ultrasound but says it does sound like gallstones.  Ugh!

I've been feeling like absolute shit since moving to Colorado. Sick to my stomach, constant headaches, exhaustion worse than usual, so much pain... Turns out they're all symptoms of elevation sickness. So hopefully this shit improves as I get more acclimated. Just walking to and from my car leaves me gasping for breath for an hour. DAMN YOU COLORADO, YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME!  I asked the aforementioned doctor for an inhaler but they tested me for asthma and, since I don’t have it, I couldn’t have one.  She’s having me get an xray while I’m at the diagnostics lab.  I think it’s kinda pointless but, whatever, I’ll do as I’m told.

I really liked everyone in the office and it seems like I made a good choice in picking her.  She referred me to a pain specialist who is hot as fuck!  He was super nice and I told him I was open to him switching around my meds to see if he could come up with something that helps my pain better.  So, we shall see.  He’s also sending me to a rheumatologist and to a physical therapist with a pool.

Unfortunately, I found out that, even though weed is legal in Colorado, I'm not able to smoke it!  Legally, doctors have to piss test and if you test positive for weed, they can't give you narcotics.  God fucking damn it.  I was really hoping to see if it would help my anxiety.  I asked, um, but it's legal...?  "Well, so's alcohol and, if you drink, I'm not supposed to prescribe you narcotics either."  Yeah but they don't make you fucking test for alcohol!  Bah.

I also saw a new therapist and psychiatrist!  (Look at me being productive!)  I really like them a lot.  The clinic is very goal focused and action based and doesn’t do never-ending talk therapy.  So I totally lucked into DBT again!  Which made me so happy, excited, and relieved.  Apparently the head of the clinic is the DBT trainer for Denver.  Two of the main goals my therapist and I came up with were:

1) Work on my severe social anxiety.  I.e. actually leaving the house and meeting new people.

2) Learning to identify and express my “negative” feelings and emotions within my relationships.  It’s something I find extremely difficult, especially in romantic relationships.  “I want to be able to tell people what’s wrong instead of turning into a passive aggressive bitch!”

My psychiatrist is keeping me on my same meds since they’re working.  Though, honestly, I worry that I’m backsliding into depression again.  But that might just be situational and a result of feeling so shitty in every other aspect of life.  Sigh.  So we’ll see what happens with that.

I had a massage yesterday and it was incredible.  I desperately needed it. I was supposed to go to the chiropractor and have a new-friend-date today but I just feel so sick to my stomach (yet again) I had to cancel.

Oh!  I’m seeing Andrea Gibson perform in May!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There aren’t enough exclamation points in the world to express how fucking excited I am about that!

So, yeah, that’s the update!  There’s still a lot I need to get done but my body is just not cooperating right now.  Hopefully soon.  I’m so sick of feeling shitty.  Ugh.  But I guess it’s getting a little better, so I’m trying to focus on that.  Optimism and all that good shit!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Family Stuffs

Our current apartment is the nicest place I’ve ever lived in and I just enjoyed one of the biggest highlights!

The tub is massive!  Not only do I fit into it, there’s a ton of room left over!  Bubble baths galore!  I haven’t had a comfortable bath since my early teens; it was amazing.  And now I can try Lush Bath Bombs for the first time.  Pink glittery water!!

Matt’s dad and little brother were in town over the weekend.  I love them.  I swear to god, I just want to throw my arms around him and yell, “I LOVE YOU CAN I CALL YOU DAD!?”  It was really fun.  And his little brother and Patty are madly in love with each other.  She was so excited to have such an ardent suitor!  (And, god, was it nice to have amazing sushi again for the first time in so many years.)  His dad and step-mom bought me Trivial Pursuit which was awesome!  I’ve wanted Trivial Pursuit for yeeeeeears and, as his dad said, it’s how we bonded over Thanksgiving.  So yay!

Now if only his mom didn’t despise me.  I mean, like, okay, I totally understand her initial issues with me based on our age difference, the intensity of his feelings for me, and how quickly we’re moving.  But then it just got really fucking weird when she decided Matt is on drugs and that I caused it.

Let’s examine that, shall we!?  There are two things that make this goddamn hilarious.  1) He doesn’t use drugs.  2) I don’t use drugs.  Like, ever.  If you know me at all, you realize how insane this it.  I didn’t even smoke weed for the first time until I was 30 because it just didn’t appeal to me before that.  And I only did it then in hopes it would relieve some of my pain.  I have access to thousands and thousands of pain killers a year and have used, maybe, 50 in the last five years.  The whole thing is just so ridiculous.

Matt swears she’d have issues with me regardless of who I was but who knows.  I mean, everyone is entitled to their opinion of me and god knows I’m used to people hating me but it’s just uncomfortable.

If you’ve read this for any amount of time, you know my family life was completely fucked.  Emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, violence, rage…  So the idea that I’d negatively impact anyone else’s family really upsets me.  Sigh.

Colorado’s going well.  I’ve been struggling with fatigue and pain since moving here, though.  Well, since before that, really,  but especially since moving here.  But!  I finally made appointments with a general practitioner, massage therapist, and chiropractor.  Once I see the GP I can get a referral to a pain specialist.  I’m terrified.  I’m hoping with all my heart that they’re kind and understanding and not total dicks.  I’ve chanced into finding incredible doctors in the past so I’m hoping my luck holds out!

Thursday, March 12, 2015


Well.  I’m in Colorado!

God, it’s been a long fucking month.  After a month of packing and trashing and donating and stressing beyond belief, I left Alabama.  The first night was a horror show.  The last thing I expected while driving through the south was for the roads to be covered in snow and ice. Have I mentioned I've never driven on snow or ice? I basically spent eight hours in near hysterics, hunched over and holding onto the steering wheel so tightly I had a rock between my shoulder blades for days and clenching my teeth so hard my jaw throbbed. I had a breakdown on the phone with Matt over how I can't do it, my car wont make it, oh my god this was a horrible idea. To the point that he offered to fly down to Arkansas and drive the rest of the way if I felt that way in the morning (God, he's so good to me.)  I just kept telling myself, “Get to him.  Just get to him.  You can do this.  You want to be with him.  Just get there.”

Friday was much better. When I left the motel, the sun was bright and had melted almost all of the snow and the city had cleared off the roads and freeway. It was a long and physically painful drive but I finally made it to Kansas City, MO. I took painkillers, got in bed with the kitties, and put on crappy TV.  I met up with a friend I’ve known online for, like, a decade and…bow chicka bow wow.

Saturday morning, Matt flew in and, oh my god yes, he took over the driving.  At one point my check engine light came on and we took it to Auto Zone to get looked at and their diagnostic showed something minor so we managed to get home with no problem.  (The light ended up going off a couple of days ago.)

There were no adventures on this trip!  Just me trying to get here as quickly as possible.  And the cats ripping me open every time I had to put them in the carrier.  Blood everywhere!

It’s been a few days but I think I’m still in recovery mode.  But the apartment’s really nice and the tub is massive and the new bed has really helped my pain levels.  And, most importantly, I’m with Matthew.

I’m excited for this next stage of my life.  Of our lives.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

NSFW - Sex Toy Review

Caped Cock Dildo
Dimensions: 6” long (insertable portion) x 2” diameter (15.24cm x 5.08cm).
Materials: Silicone.
Bonus: The base means it can be used in a harness and can be safely used for anal.  Plus, dude, hot super hero role play!


The Caped Cock is phenomenal!  Even more amazing than I had hoped for.  It's thicker than I expected and I love the varying widths from the 3-D design.

The bat insignia is both raised and nubbed so it feels absolutely incredible.

The Caped Cock is a really good size for me.  It's the thickest toy I have and is the perfect size up from the smaller toy I used on the regular.  When Matt uses it on me, I tend to be sore the day after.  But in a good way, obviously!

And, in case you were always wondering?  No, Batman is not circumcised.

Holy smokes, Batman!  Batgirl is in trouble!  Grab the Caped Cock because only one dildo can save the day!

Aesthetics ♥♥♥♥
Solo Play ♥♥♥♥
Partner Play ♥♥♥♥
Overall ♥♥♥♥

Do you like a longer and thicker superhero? Try the Incredible Hunk, a hulk of a dildo that could be just what you need!

PUSSY SMASH! (Sorry, I had to!)

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

So, um, I now have a girlfriend!  Life is so amazing and still manages to surprise the hell out of me from time to time!

I’ve known Jenna online for a dozen years now.  We occasionally lose touch but she’s one of those friends who could disappear for years but then, when you start talking again, it’s as if you never stopped.   She’s always been such an important part of my life, helping me get through all the shit that bombarded me through my 20s.  She was always the one I could be honest with, no matter how embarrassed or ashamed I felt.  Of the people I talk with regularly, she’s been in my life the longest.

We’ve been talking nonstop the last several weeks and she said there was something she needed to tell me.  She was so nervous and so scared, her heart racing.  And she told me.  She told me she’s in love with me and has been for many years.

She’s in love with me.  And…I’m in love with her.

Because she lives in Oregon, things are a little more difficult.  Well, frustrating more so than difficult.  Still…we’re in a relationship!  Eeeeep!  And we’re both so happy and so incredibly excited to see where things go.

Both of our respective guys are completely supportive and happy for us.  Which makes me happier than words can express.  Because neither one of us would have moved forward if either of them didn’t want to come with us.  I’m making sure to check in with Matt about things because the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him or cause him pain.  We have really great communication but I’m also checking in with him to give him a way to discuss anything he has trouble bringing up.  We’re all doing really well in terms of communicating our concerns, our desires, our feelings, our needs…  He loves Jenna, Jenna loves him, I love Jenna’s guy, Jenna’s guy loves me,…we’re just a big ol’ pile of mushy love!

I feel so loved and so taken care of and so wanted and just so…happy.  So fucking happy, oh my god!  Matt loves how sweet she is to me and that’s what she loves about him too.  Surrounded by all this, how can I feel anything other than perfect!?

When Jenna and I met before, we both were too shy to make any sort of sexual move.  Both feeling too awkward and shy to kiss the other, then viewing that as proof the other wasn’t attracted to us!  Sigh.  Self doubt is such a bitch.  But, yeah, needless to say, we’re ridiculously in lust with one another.  Which makes me so giggly and blush.

She makes me feel so beautiful.

im not like some mother theresa for thinking youre sexy, its not a charity. you just are. many many people think you are. yes you are not everyoens cup of tea.. well no one is for that matter. im certainly not. theres people out there who look at stunningly gorgeous women like jennifer lawrence or fucking beyonce or j lo or whoever and go meh.

i love you, heidi.. all of you. the whole person. your body is just a body. it's not bad or good, it's just a body. it's a beautiful body that has carried you through some tough times and made you feel excitement and passion and love. it simply does not matter to me that much. i love YOU, i love the body you're in now, not some theoretical future body in which you might be thinner or perkier. just how you are is exactly how i like you, and if you change, if you gain weight or lose weight, ill like that body too.


And another time I struggled with my body issues…

Jenna: well i AM aware of what you look like even if your dumb brain tells you im gonna freak out every time i see you 
Jenna: honey.. you are so beautiful. god, i know you dont see it. and i do understand that.. but please try to tell yourself that I DO see it.
Jenna: you never need to hide from me
Jenna: i see you

Me: oh god i just got so teary eyed

Jenna: haha god im the worst, i make my girlfriend cry too much!

Me: but theyre all happy tears!

Do you remember how surreal my time with Matt feels?  The feeling that this can’t be real.  That there’s no way someone this amazing could feel this for me.  That feeling…  Somehow, the surreal just got even more surreal!  

Matt made me realize what love truly is and she’s made me realize that that love is limitless; that I can love her as much as I do and it doesn’t lessen my love for Matt.  The two of them are totally crushing on each other and it’s the cutest thing ever.  I’m crushing on her husband, her husband is crushing on me…  We’re just this massive puppy pile of love!  They’ve made me realize that when you truly love and truly trust someone, the jealousy and possessiveness melts away.  

How in hell did I go from happily enjoying and accepting spinsterhood to having not one but two incredible relationships with two incredible people practically overnight?!

Here’s my beautiful and amazing special lady friend.

If I hadn’t already been completely and utterly smitten for years, this would have sealed the deal.

And, hello?  Fuck yes.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Well, I’m leaving Auburn on March 5th.  Terrifying but exciting!  I was having trouble finding a psychiatrist in Colorado but I begged and was squeezed in to see my current one so I can get three months of prescriptions and not have to stress the fuck out over running out.  That took a huge weight off my shoulders.

After a million phone calls I finally found a psych place that accepts Medicare and is taking new patients.  I have an appointment for an intake a week after I get to Colorado.  I’ve also found a chiropractor and massage therapist I want to try out plus a GP, pain specialist, and gynecologist who seem promising.  Many more calls to make but at least things are in motion!

Basically everything is packed, other than the stuff I’ll need over the next few weeks.  Matt’s coming here next weekend to help me finish a few things.  I’m leaving the 5th, spending the night in Kentucky, spending the next night in Missouri, picking Matt up from the airport the next morning, and then he’s driving with me that day to Colorado.  It’s almost time, you guys!

I had a dream about my mom.  But it wasn’t my mom.  Well, it was but if my mom had been sane.  She was showered and clean and her teeth hadn’t rotted away and her hair wasn’t pulled out.  She wasn’t screaming, she wasn’t enraged, she wasn’t violent.  She was happy; god she was happy.  She was my mom without the crazy, without the mental illness, without the pain.  The joy I felt was overwhelming.

I woke up and fell back asleep.  In my next dream I was sobbing because I realized the last one had only been a dream.  I wish she had had that.  I wish she had gotten help.  I wish her demons hadn’t been so strong.

But it reminds me why I work so hard.  Why I fight and take my meds and try and try and try.  Because I can survive this.  I will survive this.  I am surviving this.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

I was interviewed for a magazine article!  She was awesome and asked such great questions and felt so comfortable to talk with.  It’s about the realities of weight loss surgery, body acceptance, etc.   We talked about eating disorders, fat camp, oppression, self acceptance…  I really enjoyed the conversation.

I did kinda go off on about how I think the fat acceptance community has kinda lost its way a bit in that it now seems to be about nothing more than able bodied, pretty, cis, white women with hourglass figures, full makeup, and pretty clothes.  Which is awesome; I love seeing pretty fat girls in pretty clothes!  I love seeing women with high self esteems who don’t take shit for the way they look!  I think it’s huge to see your body reflected back to you and to finally feel not ashamed.  It makes me happy and inspires me!  I think posting pictures of your fat body is revolutionary.  It’s just…not enough.  And when you say that, you’re accused of jealousy.  A lot of inspiring and amazing people have distanced themselves from the community for these reasons and it just makes me sad.

Intersectionallity is important so I talked about the lack of that.  And not being exclusionary is important as well.  So I talked about how I completely disagree with excluding people who want to/are trying to lose weight.  Because people who  don’t like their bodies NEED THE COMMUNITY THE MOST.

Hopefully I didn’t make myself look like a total asshole because fat acceptance saved my life.  But I was honest.  And that’s really all I strive to be.

I’ve taken four big loads of trash to the dumpster and five loads to the donation box.  I put six boxes into the trunk of my car.  I’m hurting and tired but I keep repeating to myself, “I want to be with him I want to be with him I want to be with him.”  As I was loading the trunk it hit me hard…this is real.  This is really really real.  And I can’t fucking wait.

Monday, February 9, 2015

I saw my therapist for the first time since October, as she’s been on maternity leave.

“So, tell me what’s been going on!”

“Um.  I met a guy, fell in love, got engaged, and am moving to Colorado!”

I’m honestly shocked at how supportive she was.  I was so worried I’d have to defend my choices and decisions; that I’d have to try to convince her I knew what I was doing and that this connection was unexpected but so incredibly real.  But I didn’t have to do any of that.  She was so excited she shrieked and clapped!

She’s seen so much growth in me over the last few years that she trusts me and trusts that I’m doing what’s right for me.  She believes I’m capable of a healthy relationship, that I’m capable of giving 100% to a relationship but still holding on to myself.

We’ve talked about my fears.  Because I am afraid.  As positive as I am that this is real and right and the best decision I could possibly make, I’m afraid.  I’m not afraid that I’m doing the wrong thing; I’m afraid of fucking this up.  That I’m not as healthy as she thinks I’ve become, that I’m still incapable of a good relationship, that I’m going to hurt him, that I’m going to be his biggest mistake.  And, god, he deserves the best.  I’m just worried I can’t give him  that.  But I’m going to try.  I’m going to try to be the amazing person he deserves.

This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.  We communicate, we discuss, we share.  When we’re upset, we say something.  I don’t hide my feelings from him or stay silent because I think he’ll stop loving me if I speak up.  And that’s an amazing feeling.  He makes me feel in a way I never thought was possible.

Gah, I’m so gross over him!

I have to admit, I have been struggling with the body image issue.  It’s been awhile since that’s been the case.  I mean, he worships and talks about my body in the most adorable way!  He shrieks, “Second belly!” and tickles my tummy rolls.  And he says things like, “I love your body!  But don’t gain weight, if you get over 140 I’m leaving you!  I don’t like fatties!”  It cracks me up every damn time.  It’s just my own bullshit insecurity rearing its ugly head.  And I need to work on that because feeling this way is unacceptable.  I can love my body as much as he does.  I can and I will.

Monday, February 2, 2015

"All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us."  - The Wonder Years

And there was.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Matt’s flying in to visit me tonight!  I only get him for the weekend but I’m so super excited about it.  I can’t wait to kiss his face off.

While talking about my fat: Your body is a playground!  So much to see and explore!


Here’s something (friend) said to me on FB about you awhile ago:  “That girl seems like possibly more of a freak than I can handle.”

To which I responded, “Yeah but she gets sleepy sometimes so you get a break.”


I’m having some logistical issues with moving.  Renting a car for a one-way trip results in fees.  Like, $900+ fees.  And I’m not sure my car will make it.  I’m taking it to my mechanic next week to look it over and find out if it has a chance.  Fingers crossed.  Also, how the hell do you drive cross country with cats?  Anyone have experience with that?

Reasons I’m Terrified About Moving to Colorado
Leaving my friends
I have no idea how to make new friends - I’m terrible at that
My car possibly not surviving the trip there
New therapist
New psychiatrist
New gp
New gynecologist
New pain specialist
New chiropractor
New massage therapist
Driving in the snow/ice

Reasons I’m Excited About Moving to Colorado
Matthew, duh
Meeting new people
A few people who read me and live in Colorado have already contacted me to hang out, YAY!
Being closer to my west coast people
Trader Joe’s!
Summers I can actually survive
Having a reason to buy and wear adorable and ridiculous furry hats
Ditto scarves
Ditto mittens
Heated swimming pool
Gym right outside my door
Trying different edibles in order to (hopefully/possibly) find something that helps alleviate my pain
A new and amazing bed that doesn’t involve broken springs gouging into me
Washer and dryer inside the apartment
Organizations I believe in and want to volunteer for

At least the excited list is longer!

Books Read in January
Girlvert: A Porno Memoir by Oriana Small
Whore Diaries I by Tara Burns
Whore Diaries II by Tara Burns
Whore Diaries III by Tara Burns
Pros(e) edited by Melissa Petro
Little Women by  Louisa May Alcott
Without You, There Is No Us: My Time with the Sons of North Korea's Elite by Suki Kim
Thank You, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami

Movies Discovered in Januar
No Country for Old Men
Jim Gaffigan - Mr Universe
Aziz Ansari - Buried Alive
Louis CK - Live at the Beacon Theater
Kevin Hart - I’m a Grown Little Man
Kevin Hart - Let Me Explain
Patton Oswalt - Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time
John Mulaney - New in Town
Sommore - Chandelier Status
Bill Burr - You People Are All the Same
Bill Burr - Let it Go
Tom Segura - Completely Normal
Jim Jefferies - Fully Functional