Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Food and Adventure!

(I talk about food and amounts eaten, fyi)

So have I mentioned that I’m applying to a university for fall 2015?  I’m terrified.  Like…holy god terrified.  It’s not even a community college, it’s a straight up university.  Oh god.  One of the local universities offers e-programs and I think that’d be a good way to get myself used to being in school again while still being able to work with my depression and anxiety issues.

Since moving I have made the following:
  • Chicken salad with pecans and dried cherries (loved)
  • Chicken salad with dried cherries, dried cranberries, and slivered almonds (loved)
  • Whole wheat pasta with a chunky avocado sauce, parmesan, shrimp, and a lot of red pepper flakes (loved it in it’s final form)
  • Curry with tofu, straw mushrooms, baby corn, and tomatoes (it was just a jarred sauce I added the tofu and veggies to and I really didn’t care for it, need to try making my own)
  • Jerk talapia tacos topped with honeydew melon and lime (I don’t eat red or green onions or cilantro so that’s probably why they were blander than expected, even with a scotch bonnet pepper)
  • Hardboiled eggs
  • A shit-ton of squash and zucchini

I’ve also eaten a lot of clementines, grapes, and pumpkin seeds.  I’m already eating 1000% better than I was before.  And by “better” I just mean “what I actually want and that makes my body happy.”  I just need to focus on giving my body what it wants, when it wants it, but also taking in enough calories to function and thrive.

On Thursday I begin my journey.  At the end I will have met Sonya in person for the first time, been her bridesmaid, met 1/2 a dozen internet friends, eaten vegan for over a week, seen a million roadside attractions, met the man I’m in love with (yeah, you heard me), been on six different airplanes, worn nothing but dresses, read a lot, and missed my cats and bed.  I’m scared.  As I always am.  But my friends love me and want to spend time and have fun with me and I want that so badly as well.  I wish I had thought to get something from my psychiatrist for anxiety/panic because I am going to be flooded with both over the next month.  Ack and my pain levels will be hella jacked up and I'll probably need several days to recuperate after each flight.  But OH MY GOD this is going to be an incredible adventure and I’m so lucky and appreciative that my friends are making this possible!!

Books Read in July & August
The Jungle by Upton Sinclair (Could any book be as heartbreaking as this one?  Jesus Christ.)
Firestarter by Stephen King
Nightmares and Dreamscapes by Stephen King
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling
The White Seal by Rudyard Kipling
Rikki-Tikki-Tavi by Rudyard Kipling
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L Frank Baum
The Marvelous Land of Oz by by L Frank Baum
Ozma of Oz by L Frank Baum
Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz by L Frank Baum
The Road to Oz by L Frank Baum
The Emerald City of Oz by L Frank Baum
The Patchwork Girl of Oz by L Frank Baum
Tik-Tok of Oz by L Frank Baum
The Scarecrow of Oz by L Frank Baum
Rinkitink In Oz by L Frank Baum

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Backward and Forward


I've been reading your blog for years and years. I am trying to think of how to say this without being an ahole. You have been stuck on these same issues forever. Your lisst of things to talk about are no different from what they were 5 years ago. You endured horrible traumas while growing up- things I can't even imagine. But I wonder at what point do you decide to let your present and future win? Be stronger from your experience and get up, get out and do something with your life? You are fun and bright and have so much to offer. It seems sad that instead your mind is stuck on all the negative and bad in your life.

A close friend of my mother's was sexually abused by her father and his friends. She is now about 55 and has wasted her life away being angry and stuck on what happened. I hate to say it, but her life has no present meaning. She is crabby and alone.

I hope you are able to take this with the positive (tho frustrated) viewpoint that is intended. Like I said, I have not experienced this sort of trauma, but I want you to use your powers to rise above and stop dwelling.

(I replied to this already but I’m going to flesh my answer out a bit better now.)

Oh no, please don't think you're being an asshole!  I absolutely know what you mean.  In real life I really am a happy and positive person who is hopeful and optimistic.  And cheerful, holy god am I cheerful!  (None of this is going to be about who I am during depressive states.  Because who I am then isn’t under my control and I’m hoping that everyone who is reading this understands at least that much about psychiatric health.)  Currently, I'm the happiest I've ever been.  But I guess I worry there's some hidden shit that I don't know about and haven't dealt with the way I should.  I don't know how to explain it so bear with me!

I honestly don't think about this stuff in general day-to-day life.  I don't often get triggered or overwhelmed by the distant past.  I guess maybe I feel "moving on" means diving into it as deeply as I can and really digging it out.  I guess I just feel like I haven’t done enough work for my growth to count or be real.

I'm not angry at either of my parents anymore.  I feel sad for them but I’m no longer letting them control me.  Two of my exes were dicks but I just have to try to not repeat my mistakes.  I'm growing and improving and being so much better at taking care of myself and making better decisions.  My therapist and therapy group see HUGE improvements in me.  And, like, I honestly see some improvement in myself too!  Which kinda blows me away.

I mean, I do dwell on things for longer than I’d like and longer than is healthy.  I totally do and I totally own that.  But now I really do try to stop myself as it’s happening and put a positive spin on it.  It doesn’t always happen but I do try.  I mean, I’m hella flawed.  I bitch too much and I’m terrified of confrontation and I’m antisocial and I find it exceedingly difficult to forgive myself and I struggle with hating myself.  But maybe those are things I should work on in the moment instead of only trying to figure out what exact part of my past created them.  I mean, does it even matter what precise moment of my past caused it?  Should I focus solely on the past instead of trying to create a future?

I guess I sometimes worry that maybe I haven't moved on at all and only THINK this stuff doesn't impact me.  (I mean, I know it does, but it doesn't impact me to the degree that I think it should.)  I’ve never been happy before.  I’ve never been joyful.  I’ve never loved life so intensely and passionately.  I don’t know what I’m doing!

I worry sometimes that bubbling beneath the surface is every issue on the face of the earth and they’ll eventually spring up and be too much for me to handle.  That I’m somehow deluding myself into believing I’m this happy and safe.  That I’m somehow deluding myself into believing I’ve moved on as much as I have.  It’s like I’m forcing myself to dwell because I’m worried I haven’t worked through it yet.  Shouldn't "moving on" involve sobbing in a therapist's office over this shit?  Or delving into the past and reliving it?

But, then again,…  I HAVE cried over this shit. I’ve cried a million fucking tears over it.  And I HAVE relived it.  A million fucking times.  So maybe I have done what I need to do with all of it.  I mean, yes, this stuff is going to come up again and again.  When I date or when I have to say “no” to someone or when I look in the mirror and want to cry or sometimes out of nowhere with no pinpointable cause but why should I dredge it up myself, again and again, just in case?

I’m not saying I won’t write about this shit because I will.  I’ll write about it a million times if I need to.  And I'll talk about my past.  But maybe I don’t need to be unhappy in the meantime.  Maybe I can try to understand that there is no finish line when it comes to healing from trauma.  That no matter how hard I try, I won’t reach a perfect and mythical state of “completely healed.”  That life is going to bring shit back up no matter how far beyond it I think I am.  That writing about it and talking about it IS important and necessary but I don’t have to be unhappy while waiting for myself to be “cured”.  That I don’t have to put life on hold until I’m healthy enough to move forward.  Because maybe I’m already healthy enough to forge ahead.

I'm in no way saying I'm done with my past.  I'm still going to journal and I'm still going process.  I'm still going to write about those topics.  I have to write about it and I have to talk about it because that's the only way I'm going to continue to heal and become the person I want to be.  But maybe this shouldn’t be solely about thinking and thinking and thinking; maybe this should also be about doing.  Doing different, doing better, doing more.  Maybe this isn’t only about pushing myself into the past but should also be about pushing myself into the future.


Friday, August 22, 2014


The level of “mistake” that my ex Brian took me to is…mind boggling. We started dating a month after my dad’s suicide. In retrospect, this isn’t a surprise. I needed distraction; I needed something else to focus on; I needed something and someone to run to; I needed to hide from reality.  I was 30 and he was only my second boyfriend.  My first relationship being a nightmare, I had no idea what a normal, healthy relationship was.

He was a con man and I was his mark. But he said he loved me. And why would anyone lie about that? I’d never lie about that so how could anyone else? I was a goddamn idiot.

I ignored everyone and everything that told me I was wrong; that I was acting out of desperation. That I was being used and I deserved better. I ignored my friends. I ignored my mom. I ignored his sister. I ignored his brother in law. I ignored his ex-girlfriend. I ignored my instincts. Dude, I ignored things online talking about what a manipulative piece of shit he was (because I believed him when he said it wasn’t true.) And, god, it takes a lot of effort to ignore that many people. In four months I was annihilated. Him still being in love with his ex, shitty sex, childishness, immaturity, narcissism, constant manipulation, user, mooch, thief. Liar. Lies. So many lies.

Do you know the thing that hurt the most? Him posting pictures on MySpace of the camping trip we and his sister and brother-in-law went on and all the ones of me had been deleted. And he didn’t mention me once in writing about it. They were both so glaringly intentional. Which meant he was either trying to get laid/find someone new via MySpace or he was ashamed of me. And considering we were always together, the latter was obviously the case. And that gutted me. More so because my last boyfriend had been ashamed of me too. To the point of not taking me out in public. So, once again, I was so fucking disgusted with myself. I’m so fat and ugly that no one can admit he’s desperate enough to be with me. And at that moment I understood. I understood why he would be. I mean, look at me, right? No wonder I didn’t end things…I was already so fucking used to it.

What if no one else loves me? Even though this isn’t love. What if this is the best I’ll ever have? Even though this is truly the worst. I’m so tired of being alone but what if I truly am so gross that no one will ever want to be seen with me?

As soon as I couldn’t give him what he wanted, he dumped me over text. I was crushed but also relieved because I couldn’t end it earlier. Why didn’t I listen and just walk away? No one understood why I didn’t end it first. Neither did I, really. I wanted to and I knew it was the right thing to do but I just…couldn’t.

I invested so much and I just desperately needed to believe he would be with me. Would love me. If I gave him what he wanted, he’d stay. I can earn his love and he’ll stay with me if I just try harder. I can earn his love. I can earn his love. I can earn his love. Just like I tried to earn the love of the boyfriend before him. Just like I tried so hard to earn the love of my parents. And I failed every damn time.

He had complete power over everything, including the end. Why I didn’t take, at least, the power of ending the shitty situation I was in? Because I was desperate enough to stay.

Why was I so desperate? Why didn’t I run immediately? Why didn’t I see his lies and manipulations as deal breakers? Why did I let him use me and destroy me? Why didn’t I think I was worthy enough? Because I never had been. I never thought I could be loved without sacrifice and constant effort on my part. It was all I ever knew.

The only good thing that happened was saying no when he tried to get me back. Well, actually, his ex and I ended up liking each other and being friendly. And then she introduced me to a friend of hers on Facebook who I currently have a mega crush on. Also, several lessons learned. So I guess some good ultimately came of it. But I still want to punch that fucker in the throat!

This contains more questions than answers because I really don’t know all the answers. But it helps explain why my being in a relationship right now would be a horrible idea. Because I still fear ending up in the same situation.  I need to focus on bettering myself and not worry about whether or not someone wants to date me.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

NSFW - Sex Toy Review

Under The Bed Restraint System
Dimensions: 60” adjustable straps - will fit up to a California King sized bed.

I couldn’t get good pictures because my sheets are black so I yoinked shamelessly from the internet.

Okay, so. I’ve wanted this restraint system for years because I had no headboard and it seemed perfect. I still don’t have a headboard and it’s perfect!

It was fairly easy to install; it would’ve been much easier if my bed weren’t pushed into a corner so I could have just slid them under and pulled them from the other side. But I made it work! Perviness is the mother of invention, after all.

I attached my partner at the wrists and ankles and totally had my way with him. He really liked it! Shortening and lengthening the straps are super easy. The cuffs are soft and comfortable and leave no marks. He felt restrained and secured. I screwed up and left one wrist kinda loose but he said he liked that because, when I got close enough, he could reach out and touch my body (and he really wanted to touch my body. Bluuuuuuuuuuush.)  Oh my god, it was so hot.  Hot hot hotttttt.  Rawr.

If the restrainee struggles hard the straps do slide around a bit but I think putting them up over the sides of the bed (instead of over the person’s head) causes them to move less.

I love this system. It would be an awesome way to introduce bondage into your sex life as it’s easy to use and not at all intimidating.

Go get yourself the Under The Bed Restraint System and get to restrainin’!

Aesthetics ♥♥♥♥
Partner Play ♥♥♥♥
Overall ♥♥♥♥

If you’ve never bought from Good Vibes before, you can get 10% off for joining their email list! Also, they’re awesome so you should buy from them anyway!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014


Motherfucking fuck.  I drove an hour to see a movie by itself but, hi, it was Godzilla Rifftrax so I didn’t even hesitate!  There were technical difficulties so it started really late so they gave us refunds and free passes!  And, of course, Godzilla was amazing.  I’m going to use my pass in a couple of months when they do Rifftrax for Anaconda!  So, yeah, my night was great.  Then…

I’m heading home on the freeway and boom my tire blows out.  Okay, it sucks but it’s not a huge deal, I have AAA.  Except my phone battery is dead.  And I don’t have a car charger.  FUCK FUCK FUCK.  I spend almost an hour trying to flag down a car so I can beg to use their cell to make a call.  Not a single person pulls over.  I’m in the middle of nowhere and am panicking because I have no clue what to do.  I make the very poor decision to drive on the flat, figuring I’m bound to hit a gas station or something in a couple of miles.  10 motherfucking miles later, still nothing.  I know I’ve fucked up my rim and the brakes aren’t working so I stop again.

Once again I attempt to flag down a car.  After 30 or 40 minutes of being ignored, a cop pulls over.  He lets me use his phone and I call for AAA to send a tow truck.  It’s supposed to be there in 45 minutes.  An hour and 1/2 later…  I’d totally dozed off.  He takes my car to the mechanic’s lot and asks if I have someone coming to pick me up.  It’s after 2am so I say, no, I’ll just sleep in my car until they open.  Turns out that’s not allowed so he ends up taking me home himself.

I am so fucked, you guys.  And am dreading the call from the mechanics.  HEY I GUESS I SHOULD BUY A CAR CHARGER, HUH.

I finished up all the training and background and reference checks so I can start volunteering at the domestic violence center.  Um, once I have transportation.  I’m looking forward to it and they’re looking forward to having someone who says things such as, “Feel free to give me the mind-numbing, monotonous work…I’m good at it!”

Housewarming gift from Katy!!

Gratuitous cat photo!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I haven’t been writing.  Not public, not private, not anything.  I don’t even really talk much in therapy these days.  Life is good right now but I don’t want to be complacent.  Life is good because I don’t push myself to deal with the parts that weren’t good for almost my entire life.  I get messages telling me I’ve bettered someone’s life, that I’ve helped someone understand.  When I don’t write I feel as if I’m letting people down but I also feel that I’m letting myself down.  It’s impossible for me to feel whole when I don’t write, even if it’s just summaries of adventures or hopes.  So.  Now that my move is completely over, I want to refocus on it.

Things I Want/Need to Write About

Mental Health / Depression / Suicidal Ideation
Mine and my parents’.

Childhood Abuse
Emotional, physical, and sexual.

Never Really Having a Childhood
Being parentified at a very early age and the way it’s impacted me in adulthood.

20 Years of Disordered Eating
Bulimia, anorexia, and binge-eating.

Self Love and Loathing

Body Shame
How my weight has changed and impacted me over the years.  How weight fluctuations still shape the way I see myself.

My Dad’s Suicide

David’s Suicide
My boyfriend killed himself.

My first boyfriend.

Brian (here)
My second boyfriend.

Allowing Myself to be Used Constantly / My Inability to Say No

Fear of…Everything

Fear and Avoidance of Anger
I turn it all inward.

Please love me.

Abandonment Issues
Please don’t leave me.

Making Mistakes and the Inability to Forgive Myself

Well.  This should keep me busy!

Monday, August 11, 2014


Well, I am officially moved!  I was moved Thursday afternoon and took these Friday morning, I think.  I consider them “before” pictures.

I scrubbed and put away everything that came from the kitchen in the trailer.  When I was moving it all I couldn’t help but think I had way too much shit.  But then realized, if I could unpack in less than two hours…I really don’t have much stuff.  I’m not sure what I want to do in the dining room; I like having open space but that seems a waste.  Maybe more shelving.  And somehow prettify/hide the cat box.  I have a lot of art to put on the walls.

My friends are going to help me paint my bedroom (and maybe bath) blue and do an ocean theme in the bedroom and I want to do a shark theme in the bathroom.  I need some underbed storage and to buy some baskets/bins to put underwear and bras in.

So, yeah, this is my fresh start!

Monday, July 28, 2014

Dear god, I’m tired of moving.  But I’m soooo close to being done and I can’t give up!  Besides three pieces of furniture, I have roughly one box of my grandpa’s photos, a partially full box of still-in-use stuff in my bedroom, a partially full box of still-in-use stuff in the bathroom, towels, my printer, a box of kitchen stuff, whatever food I take, aaaaand…I think that might be it.  I took everything else over to the new place.  I packed up all my sex toys and not only did they fill a massive duffel bag, it was so heavy I had to use both hands to lug it!

I’m getting anxious over stuff just being piled in a corner at the new place but keep reminding myself, “Your goal is to move everything from point A to point B, that’s all.  You can deal with it once you’re fully moved in.”  I’m going to be living out  of boxes until October when I can hopefully buy a dresser and some shelving.  I’m so excited!  I want this move to be over so I can just stop thinking about it.  Then I can start thinking about nesting!  And OH MY GOD WILL THERE BE NESTING!

I should be out of the trailer park within two weeks and that isn’t soon enough.  I’ve discovered that some of my stuff had been stolen and on Friday there was a murder at the next trailer; I heard the gunshots.  I can’t get out of here fast enough.  Now do you understand how happy I am to be moving?  Every time I walk through the door of my new apartment, I breathe a sigh of relief.  I’ll be fully moved in within a couple of weeks and I can just…collapse.  I can collapse and say, “I’m home.”

Friday, July 18, 2014

So Much Good Stuff!

Last night was Indian buffet and Mary Poppins in the park.  I had so much fun!  Sitting on the grass destroyed my back but I’m calling it worth it.  I got lots of compliments on my dress, which made me happy!

I signed the lease and got my key!  I officially have a new apartment.  I’m going to be slowly taking my stuff over during the next couple of weeks and then bring in the furniture and be officially moved in at the beginning/middle of August.  I need to find someone with a truck or rent a trailer.  Luckily I have almost no furniture so that’ll be way easier than it could be.  I’m already aching to nest.  That probably won’t start until October when I’m back from my trip and can focus on cheap ways to decorate and make it feel like home.  I have a Pinterest board dedicated to it!  So unbelievably excited!!

Reasons I’m Thrilled: Pool, pest control, 24 hour maintenance, trash removal, pool, no holes in the floor, no mold, no rotten wood to step through, plumbing installed sometime this century, no raw sewage, no man with a gun under my bedroom, laundry room, fitness room, living alone, pool, pool, pool!

I got a nerve block injection and it helped a lot.  If I switch around what kind I get, they’re covered (high copay) so hopefully the next type will help as well.

It’s been six months but I actually have a cell phone again.  It’s even a little fancy!  And by “fancy” I mean “not a flip phone.”  I discovered I can read books on it and, man, that’s exciting!

I finally saw Sharknado!!!!!!  In the theater!  With Rifftrax!  I went with a girl who messaged me on OKCupid.  I was all brave and was like, HEY STRANGER WANT TO GO ON A PLATONIC LADY DATE WITH ME TO SEE A HORRIBLE MOVIE!??!  Look at me being social and leaving the house twice in one week!  Also, when did Steve Sanders become so fuckable?  God damn!

For the third time someone broke into our house when I was in it.  Dude, seriously.  This time they stole my roommate’s Playstation.  Because I didn’t hear anyone come in - even though I was in the bedroom with my door open - the police think I did it.   So that was fun!  They searched my room (I hope they enjoyed the drawer filled to the brim with sex toys) and told me 3x that if this is a civil matter because he owes me money, I need to tell them now.  And 2x that I could be charged with filing a false police report.  Oh and that they’ll be checking pawn shops and if anything shows up they’ll be back.  Good times!  So happy I’m leaving this place.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Exclamation Points!

I have two platonic Lady Dates this week! One with two friends I adore and one with a new person! The latter terrifies me but the former comforts me so I suppose they even out. Being social: I CAN DO THIS.

So you know how there was nothing wrong with my car save exterior damage?  Uh no.  It cost me $584 to replace the busted radiator and the metal that surrounds it because both were fucked up in the accident.  My roommate then proceeded to try to convince me it had nothing to do with the accident.  Yeah…metal totally gets shifted 2” with everyday use.  I told him he needed to help me pay for it since I don’t have the money.  He uses my car more than I do and has never once offered to help pay for servicing, new brakes, new tires,…  He said he’d do what he can.  Yeah.  I’m never going to see a penny of it.  Sigh.

I’m really looking forward to it being August so I can have my own place.  My new place has a pool and I cannot WAIT to use it!  It’s right next to my apartment and I’m hoping to utilize it daily for swimming or walking or physical therapy.  Or just sitting in the damn pool for no other reason than I can.

I’ve made the decision to - once I move and have a kitchen I can use - work towards vegetarianism.  Instead of just cutting out meat altogether (which I eat a lot of) I’m going to introduce more non-meat foods and then start eliminating the meat.  I think that’ll be better for me emotionally what with my food issues and history of disordered eating.

Oh my gosh!  In September I’m going on a big ol’ adventure!  I’ll be visiting Sonya in San Jose and being in her wedding (eeee!) and then Sarra’s flying me up to Seattle (where I’m going to be vegan for the week) and then I head to Vegas to meet someone I’ve been talking to for the past year+.  I’m so lucky to have friends who love me and want to see me this much!  I plan to meet a few other internet friends along the way.  Because I have no money, I envision a lot of cheap food, Netflix watching, and tons of random free silliness!  I’m so excited and nervous!  New people!  Ack!!  But adventure!  So much adventure!!!

I did volunteer training to work with a local domestic violence organization!  They practically pounced on me once I shared my experience and history working/volunteering with nonprofits.  For now I just want to do office work and I’m really excited about it!

Jesus Christ there are a lot of exclamation points in this entry.  I can’t help it, I’m excited about so many things!

Books Read in April, May, & June

My goal for the year was to read 30 books and I'm currently reading #67!

Annihilation - I cannot wait for the rest of the series!
The Twits by Roald Dahl
The Witches by Roald Dahl
Etiquette & Espionage by Gail Carriger
The Omega Cage by Steve Perry
’Salem's Lot by Stephen King
The Stand by Stephen King
It by Stephen King
Christine by Stephen King
Different Seasons by Stephen King
Skeleton Crew by Stephen King
Night Shift by Stephen King
The Dead Zone by Stephen King
Cell by Stephen King
Vegan Vampire Vaginas by Wol-vriey
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Gather Together in My Name by Maya Angelou
Singin' and Swingin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas by Maya Angelou
The Heart of a Woman by Maya Angelou
A Song Flung Up to Heaven by Maya Angelou
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
His Dark Materials 1: The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
His Dark Materials 2: The Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman
Maddaddam 1: Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood (reread before reading the final book in the trilogy)
Maddaddam 2: The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood (reread before reading the final book in the trilogy)
Maddaddam 3: Maddaddam by Margaret Atwood
meowWOW!: Curiously Compelling Facts, True Tales, and Trivia Even Your Cat Won't Know by Gina Spadafori
bowWOW!: Curiously Compelling Facts, True Tales, and Trivia Even Your Dog Won't Know by Gina Spadafori

Movies Discovered in April, May, & June
GI Joe: Retaliation - Shootings and explosions and The Rock…can’t beat that!
Ichi the Killer

(sorta) TV Discovered in April, May, & June
After Hours
Honest Trailers
Cinema Sins