Monday, April 14, 2014

Heidi's First Easter!

I dyed Easter eggs and participated in an Easter egg hunt for the first time!  I love having friends who want to give me the experiences I never had as a child.

Popsicles in champagne = faux sangria!

A proper Southern lady ALWAYS wears a hat on Easter.

On the hunt!

It was so much fun!

Also, note my unintentionally thematic shoes.  (From the fabulous Em & Sprout!)

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Heidi Attempts to Not Kill Plants Part 4,703,442

One of my goals for the year was to read 30 books. DONE! BOOM MOTHERFUCKER!

Books Read in February & MarchAssata: An Autobiography by Assata Shakur
Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger
Lirael: Daughter of the Clayr by Garth Nix
The Science Fiction Hall of Fame, Volume Two B: The Greatest Science Fiction Novellas of All Time edited by Ben Bova - One of the stories involved instant messaging, cam chat, school taught though video conferencing… IT WAS WRITTEN IN 1909!
Heart Shaped Box by Joe Hill
Flood by Andrew Vachss
Strega by Andrew Vachss
The End of Alice by AM Homes
The Art of Sensual Female Dominance by Claudia Varrin
Around Her Finger: A Very Clever Secret for Breathing New Life Back into your Relationship by Ken & Emily Addison
Big Trouble In Little Ass: A Novella by Wol-vriey
Dead Witch Walking by Kim Harrison
The Black Madonna by Louisa Ermelino
What the Zhang Boys Know by Clifford Garstang
Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell
Danny the Champion of the World by Roald Dahl
Fantastic Mr. Fox by Roald Dahl
George's Marvelous Medicine by Roald Dahl
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes by Roald Dahl

Movies Discovered in February & March
Teenage Strangler (MST3K)
My Neighbor Totoro
Mean Girls
The Devil’s Rejects
With Great Power: The Stan Lee Story
American Mary

Monday, March 17, 2014

Candles & Gams

It was Keila’s birthday and…

Sometimes I’m reminded of how damn good I am at giving gifts!  (Custom made by Greaser Creatures.  I desperately want the Dolly Parton and Elvira candles.  One day!)

A couple of friends and I went to the casino.  I played the Femme Fatale slot machine and netted $20.  Hurray!  I wanted to play the Trailer Life machine but couldn’t find it free.  Then we went to a seafood buffet.  Crab.  I ate so much crab.  And an 18 year old looking waiter was hitting on me hard.  Which I didn’t notice until it was pointed out to me.  It was a super fun night!  I don’t get out much; I forget how much I enjoy it.

The next night I went to a birthday party and even wore a dress!  It’s the shortest thing I’ve ever worn. 

I panicked but Carter and Mel said my dress was lovely and swore it wasn’t too short.  So I wore it!  In front of people!  Go me!  Also, my spiked flower headband makes me feel tough.  Also also, tits.

 And Carter's adorable, as always.

It was a really good weekend!

Monday, March 3, 2014


I was talking to a friend and he said my No Date 2013/2014 was a way to avoid a healthy relationship.  That it was ridiculous for me to refuse to date someone amazing.  That triggered the following.  It’s the email I sent him but it’s fleshed out more.

Just to clarify, the reason I had a No Date 2013 is because no one has wanted to date me since moving here.  No one is breaking down my door.  I've been on three or four dates in 3+ years and it sucks but I can’t date here to save my life!  Believe me, there's no one for me to say “no” to.  So I decided to take control of that situation and stop basing my happiness on finding someone.  To stop basing my worth on someone wanting to date me.  To stop wishing someone would want to be with me.

There are no men or women - good or otherwise - wanting to date me.  And I work to accept that until it's proven otherwise.  I still talk to people, I still flirt...I just have no takers.  Instead of feeling lonely and rejected and unwanted because of that, I choose to feel like the one in charge.  I choose to feel that being alone right now is my decision and my decision alone.  And I choose to enjoy that.  I choose to use this time to focus on myself and try to become a better person.

It doesn’t really bother me anymore.  It was hard at first and I struggled with a lot of romantic loneliness but I seem to have moved beyond that.  I rarely, if ever, even think about wanting someone to date.  I mean, a part of it is feeling less loneliness in general but I’m happy about it, even if it’s just residual.  Additionally, there's the fact that I can't trust myself to choose a healthy relationship just yet.  I know I need more therapy and to work through a lot of shit before I can do that.

It's totally possible I'll never find someone.  And that's not pessimism, it's being realistic.  Not everyone ends up with someone.  There are plenty of good people who don't ever find the right relationship.  And it's better for me to accept that as a possibility than it is to tell myself that one day one day one day someone wonderful will want to be with me.  Because that expectation fucks me over a lot more than remembering that, even if I don't ever find a relationship, I have friends and books and cats and writing and sex and I can be happy without a partner.  I think a lot about the Heidi I want to be and I'm not that Heidi yet.  I want to be that Heidi before I allow someone into my life.  I want to be that Heidi, with or without someone.

And that's the crux of it.  Partner or not, I can be whole on my own.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

NSFW - Sex Toy Review

Cosmic G Dildo
8.5" long x 1.25" diameter at the widest point (21.6 cm x 3.2cm).
Waterproof and non-porous, it’s super easy to clean. For someone with back pain issues and a big belly, the longer length makes solo use much easier. And you can insert either end so it’s like two toys in one!

Okay, how pretty is this goddamn toy?!

The first time I used the Cosmic G, I was having phone sex. I started using the bubbled end and I thought I was going to come the moment it was inside of me. Jesus. All total, in two days, I used it twice on myself (the bubbled end) and it was used on me by others another two times (one the bubbled end and one the curved end). JESUS.

 I've only had one experience with hard-material toys and was wary of using one again.  I and my partner didn't realize that you need a bit of a softer touch with them, resulting in my vagina feeling broken for a couple of days as the result of being fucked very hard and very fast with a glass dildo.  No breakage of the toy, of course, just some internal bruising.  Yow.  So I was a bit more conscientious this time around and - even with a good hard fucking - there was nothing but happiness as a result of this beautiful toy.

In four uses the Cosmic G got me off close to a dozen times with no clitoral stimulation.  How do I even express how much I love this toy?  I don’t ever even bother with penetration during masturbating but I wanted this toy like it was a goddamn flesh and blood dick.

Dear Cosmic G Dildo: I'm your biggest fan. Please marry me. Love, Heidi

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Pink & Purple

I asked Carter what she’d like for her birthday and she said for me to come to her birthday party and to dye my hair purple. I can do that!  Because a princess always gets what she wants.

Way way way lighter than I expected but I dig the pastels. It reminds me of spring time and Easter.  Thus far I've been called a My Little Pony, Jem, and a Care Bear which means: BEST HAIR EVER.


I have to get back to selling plasma.  Extra especially because I need new brakes.  Blah. 

I finished my online “class.”  I think I got a high B.  Kinda disappointed but I really half assed the final quiz so I have nothing to bitch about.  I enjoyed it!  I’m looking forward to the next class I signed up for!

I’ve discovered that if I head to the gym between 5am and 7am, I’m much more likely to go.  I’ve been biking again.  My current Gym Hero is the older lady wearing a skirt, pantyhose, and turban while kicking ass on the elliptical. You put the other older patrons exercising in their jeans and polo shirts and sequined tops to shame.  I salute you!

Saturday, February 22, 2014

And the Winner Is...

Also!  Marianne is wonderful and sent me a second copy of Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere so I pulled a second winner for that!

Thank you all so much for entering!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


A friend said I wasn’t proud of my accomplishments and I said I didn’t feel that I’d done anything to be especially proud of.  I just…live.  And sometimes awesome things happen.  I feel egotistical when I talk about that kind of stuff.  But his words stuck with me.  What have I done to be proud of? 

I’m proud that I survived a childhood filled with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.

I’m proud that I spent 25 years living in squalor with hoarders and still manage to have a clean home that people can visit.

I'm proud that after living in a house of rage, I still manage to be a kind person.

I’m proud that I didn’t kill myself when I thought about it constantly for 20 years.

I’m proud that my high school years were filled with volunteering and helping others.

I’m proud that I went  to a psychiatrist and therapist for the first time because I was so tired of hurting.

I’m proud that I ended a relationship that should have ended three years earlier.

I’m proud of the incredible work I did at my job.  The way I put everything I had into it. I'm proud of the work I did to grow an organization that helped so many at-risk teens.

I’m proud that I fought so hard to get surgery.

I’m proud of the piece I wrote on Shapely Prose.

I’m proud that, when I found my father’s body after his suicide, I could feel compassion and empathy for the man who destroyed me.

I'm proud that I didn't take my ex back after he fucked me over repeatedly.

I'm proud to have given my boyfriend happiness and love before his suicide.

I’m proud to be loved by so many incredible people.

I’m proud of my writing because it helps others.

I'm proud of how long I've kept my blog going, even through the shit storm.

I'm proud of the honesty in my writing, my refusal to hide my flaws, and the way it's helped me to move beyond fear, shame, and self loathing.

I'm proud of every time I walked outside when all I wanted to do was hide.

I'm proud of joining a gym when I was afraid of judgment and I'm proud every time I go.

I'm proud that I checked myself into psychiatric wards when I was on the verge of a decision I could never take back.

I'm proud of packing up my car and moving cross country when I had no idea what the future held.

I'm proud of every time I took my clothes off  while the lights were on or the sun streamed through the windows.

I'm proud of showing my naked body all over the internet and in front of strangers at kink events and the way it helped me normalize my body to myself and others.

I'm proud of every time I asked for what I wanted during sex.

I'm proud of my kick ass hair.

I'm proud of every time I went sleeveless.

I'm proud that I'm ridiculously optimistic, even after everything that happened/was done to me.

I'm proud I've learned to say no.

I'm proud of accepting and loving myself.

I'm proud to have people who loved me when I was incapable of loving myself.

I’m proud of every email/comment I receive that tells me how I've helped someone love themselves and do the things that terrify them.

I'm proud  to be part of your lives.

I'm honored to be part of your lives.

(Don't forget there's a big ol' body acceptance book giveaway happening!!)

Friday, February 14, 2014

Valentine’s Day Self Love Book Collection Giveaway!!!

Happy Valentines Day!

The contest has ended and the winner has been contacted.

Who better to love and spoil than yourself?! So I’m going to try to help one of you in that endeavor with 12 books on body/fat/self acceptance! I know, right?! So exciting! I’ve been wanting to do this for ages so I’m super pumped about it! (Hence the million exclamation points!)

This collection includes all of the following:
  1. Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance by Rosie Molinary
  2. Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them) by Hanne Blank
  3. Body Outlaws: Rewriting the Rules of Beauty and Body Image edited by Ophira Edut
  4. Fat Kid Rules the World by ‎KL Going
  5. Fat Ladies in Spaaaaace: A Body-Positive Coloring Book by Theo Nicole Lorenz
  6. Fat: The Owner's Manual by Ragen Chastain
  7. Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon
  8. Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love, & Fashion edited by Virgie Tovar
  9. Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby
  10. Two Whole Cakes: How to Stop Dieting and Learn to Love Your Body by Lesley Kinzel
  11. The Unapologetic Fat Girl's Guide to Exercise and Other Incendiary Acts by Hanne Blank
  12. What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety by Jaclyn Friedman

Pretty awesome, right?!

Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance by Rosie Molinary published by Seal Press
Rosie Molinary forcefully encourages women — whatever their size, shape, or color — to work toward feeling wonderful about themselves despite today’s media-saturated culture. Drawing on self-awareness, creativity, and mind-body connections, Molinary incorporates practical techniques into a 365-day action plan that empowers women to regain a healthy self-image, shore up self-confidence, reframe and break undermining habits of self-criticism, and champion their own emotional and physical well-being. Through accessible, doable daily actions, women and girls learn to manifest a healthy outlook on life — teaching them to live large, and starting them on the path to learning to love themselves and others.

Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them) by Hanne Blank published by Crown Publishing
Big Big Love is the only one-stop-shopping handbook on relationships, sexuality, and big sexy confidence for people of all genders, sizes, and sexual orientations who know that a fantastic love life doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the number on the bathroom scale. Covering everything from dating to sex toys to getting on top, this guide also features tips on navigating tricky topics like making peace with your belly, coping with weight-related prejudice, and creating a happy, satisfying sex life in a culture where no body is ever perfect enough. …Big Big Love’s savvy, sane advice can help you tackle every hot-button issue you may confront in the bedroom and in love.

Body Outlaws: Rewriting the Rules of Beauty and Body Image edited by Ophira Edut published by Seal Press

(This is the book that first introduced me to the concept of self acceptance and body positivity.)   
The writers in this groundbreaking anthology reveal a world where bodies come in all their many-splendored shapes, sizes, colors, and textures. In doing so, they expand the national dialogue on body image to include race, ethnicity, sexuality, and power—issues that, while often overlooked, are intimately linked to how women feel about their bodies. Body Outlaws offers stories by those who have chosen to ignore, subvert, or redefine the dominant beauty standard in order to feel at home in their bodies.

Fat Kid Rules the World by KL Going published by Speak
Troy Billings is seventeen, 296 pounds, friendless, utterly miserable, and about to step off a New York subway platform in front of an oncoming train. Until he meets Curt MacCrae, an emaciated, semi-homeless, high school dropout guitar genius, the stuff of which Lower East Side punk rock legends are made. Never mind that Troy’s dad thinks Curt’s a drug addict and Troy’s brother thinks Troy’s the biggest (literally) loser in Manhattan. Soon, Curt’s recruited Troy as his new drummer—even though Troy can’t play the drums. Together, Curt and Troy will change the world of punk, and Troy’s own life, forever.

Fat Ladies in Spaaaaace: A Body-Positive Coloring Book by Theo Nicole Lorenz
There's a whole universe of body types out there, and they all deserve to be represented. This coloring book features eighteen fat scifi heroines doing what they do best: trekking across the time and space, blasting off into adventure, and saving the day.

Fat: The Owner's Manual
by Ragen Chastain published by Sized for Success Multimedia
This book is more than just the story of a fat woman who managed to win respect and National Championships in the thin-obsessed world of dance. It's more than just a trained researcher's examination of the evidence about weight and health. It's a book about living life in the body that you have now, and making decisions about what you want in the future, and how to get there. Whether you want to change your body, fight for size acceptance, just live your life, or understand and support your fat friends and family, this book provides the insights, aha moments, humor, and hard facts to help.

Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon published by BenBella Books
Fat isn’t the problem. Dieting is the problem. A society that rejects anyone whose body shape or size doesn’t match an impossible ideal is the problem. A medical establishment that equates “thin” with “healthy” is the problem.  The solution?  Health at Every Size. Updated with the latest scientific research and even more powerful messages, Health at Every Size is not a diet book, and after reading it, you will be convinced the best way to win the war against fat is to give up the fight.

Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love & Fashion edited by Virgie Tovar published by Seal Press
In this fun, fresh, fat-positive anthology, fat activist and sex educator Virgie Tovar brings together voices from an often-marginalized community to talk about and celebrate their lives. Hot & Heavy rejects the idea that being thin is best, instead embracing the many fabulous aspects of being fat—building fat-positive spaces, putting together fat-friendly wardrobes, turning society’s rules into personal politics, and creating supportive, inclusive communities. Writers, activists, performers, and poets—including April Flores, Alysia Angel, Charlotte Cooper, Jessica Judd, Emily Anderson, Genne Murphy, and Tigress Osborn—cover everything from fat go-go dancing to queer dating to urban gardening in their essays, exploring their experiences with the word “fat,” pinpointing particular moments that have impacted the way they think and feel about their bodies, and telling the story of how they each became fat revolutionaries. Ground-breaking and long overdue, Hot & Heavy is a fierce, sassy, thoughtful, authentic, and joyous collection of stories about unapologetically—and unconditionally—loving the body you’re in.

Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby published by Perigee Books
When it comes to body image, women can be their own worst enemies, aided and abetted by society and the media. But Harding and Kirby, the leading bloggers in the "fatosphere," the online community of the fat acceptance movement, have written a book to help readers achieve admiration for-or at least a truce with-their bodies. The authors believe in "health at every size"-the idea that weight does not necessarily determine well-being and that exercise and eating healthfully are beneficial, regardless of whether they cause weight loss. They point to errors in the media, misunderstood and ignored research, as well as stories from real women around the world to underscore their message. In the up-front and honest style that has become the trademark of their blogs, they share with readers twenty-seven ways to reframe notions of dieting and weight, including: accepting that diets don't work, practicing intuitive eating, finding body-positive doctors, not judging other women, and finding a hobby that has nothing to do with one's weight.

The Unapologetic Fat Girl's Guide to Exercise and Other Incendiary Acts by Hanne Blank published by Crown Publishing
This empowering exercise guide is big on attitude, giving plus-size women the motivation and information they need to move their bodies and improve their health.  Hanne Blank—a fellow plus-size girl who’s been there and has the worn-out sports bras to show for it—will help you discover activity that works for you no matter what your size or current fitness level.  Featuring incendiary acts like “Flail proudly,” and “Claim the right to be unattractive (just like anybody else),” Hanne serves up years of hard-won fitness advice with humor and self-acceptance.

Two Whole Cakes: How to Stop Dieting and Learn to Love Your Body by Lesley Kinzel published by The Feminist Press
In the age of The Biggest Loser and the “war on obesity,” we’re pressured to conform to certain body standards at any cost. Sure, everyone should eat right and get exercise, but what if you do that and you still don’t fit into the clothes at the mall? … Lesley Kinzel tells stories, gives advice, and challenges stereotypes about being and feeling fat. Kinzel says no to diet fads and pills, shows by example how to stop hating your body, celebrates self-acceptance at any size, and urges you to finally accept the truth: your body is not a tragedy!

What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety by Jaclyn Friedman
published by Seal Press
In this empowering, accessible guide, Jaclyn Friedman—co-editor of Yes Means Yes—gives young women the tools to decipher the modern world’s confusing, hypersexualized, sometimes dangerous landscape so they can define their own sexual identity. Friedman decries the hypocrisy and mixed messages of our culture (we’re failures if we don’t act sexy, but we’re sluts if we actually pursue sex; we need to be protected from rapists lurking in bushes, but deserve “whatever we get” if we have a drink at a party and wear a skirt), and encourages readers to separate fear from fact, decode the damaging messages all around them, and discover a healthy personal sexuality.  ...readers will build new skills for safely expressing their sexuality with lovers and explore effective ways to talk about tricky issues with family and friends - and learn how to make the world a little safer for everyone else’s sexuality along the way.

The contest has ended and the winner has been contacted.

Full Discloser
If you click those links to Amazon and buy anything (not only the books), I get a small percentage of it.  (Which I usually use on vitamins because I’m a mess!) 

How to Enter
Leave a comment telling me about a book that changed your life. (Because I need more book recommendations!)

Additional Entries
Post about this giveaway on your blog/website/facebook/tumblr. You get one entry for each post you make. Limit one per site.

Tweet about it! Limit three tweets.

You don't have to follow me, subscribe to me, like me, or anything.  This is about you, silly, not me!

Make sure you include your email address in all entries.

Create a separate comment for every one of your entries. Example: you post about it on facebook and tweet it three times. That means you need to make four comments on here, linking to each one. I'll be using a random number generator so if they're all batched together in one comment, they'll only count as one. Make sense?

This contest is open to everyone. If you win and you're in the US, it will be shipped to you at no cost. If you’re outside of the US, I’m going to need you to pay for part of the postage. I know, it sucks, but I wouldn’t do it that way unless I had to!

This contest will end Friday, February 21st at midnight EST.

Good luck!

Oh my god, I'm so excited!!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Plain Ol' Yay

My online moralities class is going well.  I’m really enjoying it.  There are two weeks left and I currently have an A.  I mean, the grade is technically pointless since it’s not showing up on any transcript or anything but it’s a good gauge of how I’m doing in terms of note taking, reading the assignments, watching the lectures, etc.  I mean, it’s not really since this course has no work, just a weekly quiz that’s, obviously, “open book.”  But still I’m doing better than expected which is a pleasant surprise!  Plus I really am enjoying the lectures and the professor in general. 

I signed up to take Buddhism & Modern Psychology starting in March.  I’m a bit more worried because that’s through Princeton and has two essay assignments.  But, again, I could fail and no one would ever know so I’m not  that worried.  Plus it’d be interesting to see how someone from Princeton would grade my writing.

Look at the postcard I received!  Eeeeeeee!  It made me so happy!  And it’s on my wall in a place of honor next to Divine and Maleficent!


By Pretty Sick Art.  I love it!

When I’m active, I get a full STI screen in January and June.  A little late this time but all clean I'm STI-free.  Which is always a nice way to start the day!  (A very lovely reader pointed out that using the term "clean" implies that those who do have STIs are "dirty."  Which I would never ever want to do.  Thank you so much for that!)

I made chicken fajitas in the Crockpot.  It was so easy and smelled incredible for hours while I quietly salivated and waited for it to be ready.  It was just a packet of “fajita seasoning” with a couple of other things tossed in but it was delicious!  My roommate approved and says it’s definitely got to go on the To Make Again list

The Adderall my psychiatrist prescribed me has been having an amazing impact on my life.  I have energy and feel motivated.  I start and finish things.  I read and write more.  I’ve been more social because the exhaustion is lifted a bit.  I feel the need to act and do and move!

Aside from my finances, life is pretty damn good right now.