Sunday, July 9, 2017

The Last Year

So I’m, what, nearly a year behind at this point? I’m not sure what happened. But let’s try to play a little catch up!

Soon after Gene Wilder’s birthday we went to a special screening of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

In attendance were the actors who played Veruca, Violet, and Mike!

Did a little bit of decorating for Halloween.

I had cotton candy hair.

 Matt continued being adorable.


On my birthday we had front row seats for A John Waters Christmas!! I wore my Divine dress too because I love dressing thematically! Sadly, taking photos was prohibited. At one point he made a joke about Chaturbate and I was only who laughed so he walked over to me and said, “You’re the only one here who knows what Chaturbate is!” I felt so proud!

It snowed and was so cold the nearby lake froze over.

And Matt walked on water.

I surprised Matt with tickets to Todd Snider, his favorite singer.

 My two favorite bellies!

Went to the ER with a concussion on Christmas.

Spent a week at the Grand Canyon. (Insane number of pictures to follow.)

Health - Physical
Hmmmm. Well, let’s go with the good!

I have a new pain specialist who’s pretty awesome and offers a lot of options aside from pills. We started the procedures in February. For the pain in my lower back, they burned off layers of my nerves on both sides of my spine. For the fire-agony-nerve-damage in my hands (which wakes me up screaming/causes me to cry in my sleep) they injected numbing compounds into my neck (which is where my jacked vertebrae are crushing and destroying the nerves that go to my hands). Even under anesthesia and IV painkillers, I had to bite down and cry out into the mat I was lying on during the injections. But they helped! Until they didn’t. But doing them on the regular definitely makes them freak out less often. Which is a fucking miracle. 

Next week I’m getting injections in my sacrum. Which I’m excited about due to how much agony that spot holds but equally terrified over because I know how screamingly painful those injections are going to be. Even doctors just brushing them fingers against it makes me cry out and jerk away, no matter how hard I steel myself, clench my teeth, and hold steady in preparation...the pain is so bad I can’t stop myself from screaming out loud and jerking away. Sometimes so hard I’ve slid right off the other side of the table! Most recently I pulled away a foot and slammed face first into the wall. STILL BETTER THAN HAVING MY SACRUM TOUCHED. Sigh.

So alllllllll that shit + massage + chiropractor + painkillers have been such a good combination that allows me to be much more functional than without. Not as functional as I desperately want but it’s a huge improvement!

Health - Mental
Okay. This has been...difficult. Very difficult. On the verge of hospitalizing myself numerous times the last couple of years kind of difficult.

My psychiatrist made some adjustments to my meds numerous times and it just...wasn’t working. I shouldn’t take 9.5 pills every single day and STILL want to die constantly! I started seeing a new psychiatrist two months ago and she was stunned that my previous one decided I wasn’t bipolar and took me completely off my mood stabilizer. Which happened two years ago. Which is when I moved here and haven’t managed to get out of the suicidal depression since. When I told him a few months back that the last two years have been unbearable and I haven’t felt sane since moving here he basically told me I was wrong and went through my entire file telling me each month I said I was fine. My question is… He says the last two years have been fine for me. So why did he, less than a year ago, bring up electroshock therapy? Do you really talk about ELECTROSHOCK with someone who you think has been just fine? What the fuck, man.

The new one immediately started back on the mood stabilizer. And then had to try another. It’s been difficult to find a medication that doesn’t cause muscle spasming/pain/twitching so horrible I can’t stay on them. The one most recent had me screaming and twitching for 12 hours the two times I took it before having to stop because it’s just not...I can’t handle it. Tomorrow I start it again with the addition of another medication that should stop the muscle issues. But honestly I’m scared to death to start again because it was just so bad.

I also have a new therapist and I like her a lot. In our first session I was explaining my history with medication and hospitalization and depression and how it’s this constant struggle against my own brain. She asked, “What if you stopped fighting it?” And that’s what caused me to finally start crying. “What would it feel like to stop struggling against yourself? If you just accepted that it’s who you are. I don’t mean giving up on your medication and therapy. But what if you accepted that some people have sadness in them. That it’s part of who you are; that the darkness makes you compassionate and complex. Wouldn’t it feel good to stop fighting?”

I cried because I can’t fucking imagine that. I can’t imagine my brain not being the enemy that constantly needs to be controlled and corralled and beaten into submission. I can’t imagine not trying to find a way to destroy that part of myself. Sigh. But when I don’t fight, I spiral and spiral hard. So, we shall see! I think I’m going to enjoy working with her.

Matt and I are at 2.5 years and holding strong! It’s hard because the health shit and depression have basically caused me to stay home 90% of the time and I want to do more. I want Matt to be able to do more. But it’s getting better due to the new pain control stuff. Now if only the depression would calm the fuck down. We have been on some adventures so yay for that! I’ll have a couple more posts soon about the last two!

Friday, July 29, 2016


 No, really!


I’ve wanted to see them for years and it finally happened! One of the things I love so much about Matt? He goes to these ridiculous things with me and genuinely enjoys them! It’s not to just placate me; he enjoys every second of it! Excitedly watching cats playing guitars...that’s how I know we’re made for each other. Swoon.

Dream car! (I need less baggy pants, for serious.)

It was fabulously chaotic! Cats ignoring their cues, refusing to get out of their beds, wandering into the audience for pettings and to sleep in the aisles… And the trainers just embraced the chaos, which made the show even more fun.

The pictures are God awful and I probably should have just deleted them all. The lighting and distance just made it impossible to get anything decent. Hopefully we can see them again and be in the first row!



And speaking of adorable cats!

Apartment Gardening - all Matt’s doing, including the building of the box!

Books Read in April, May, June, & July
The Borrower by Rebecca Makkah
Zombies and Shit by Carlton Mellick III
Barbarian Beast Bitches of the Badlands by Carlton Mellick III
Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland by Carlton Mellick III
Satan Burger by Carlton Mellick III
Apeshit by Carlton Mellick III
Crab Town by Carlton Mellick III
Fantastic Orgy by Carlton Mellick III
The Morbidly Obese Ninja by Carlton Mellick III
War Slut by Carlton Mellick III
Razor Wire Pubic Hair by Carlton Mellick III
Cannibals of Candyland by Carlton Mellick III
The Cuddly Holocaust by Carlton Mellick III
ClownFellas: Tales of the Bozo Family by Carlton Mellick III
Sausagey Santa by Carlton Mellick III
Clusterfuck by Carlton Mellick III
Kill Ball by Carlton Mellick III
The Menstruating Mall by Carlton Mellick III
Armadillo Fists by Carlton Mellick III
As She Stabbed Me Gently in the Face by Carlton Mellick III
The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III
The Egg Man by Carlton Mellick III
The Tick People by Carlton Mellick III
The Girl Who Fell Beneath Fairyland and Led the Revels There by Catherynne M Valence
The Color of Magic by Terry Pratchett
The Light Fantastic by Terry Pratchett
Hard Luck Hank: Stank Delicious by Steven Campbell
Hotel Megalodon by Rick Chesler
The Scavenger's Daughters by Kay Bratt
The Gunslinger by Stephen King
Drawing of the Three by Stephen King
The Waste Lands by Stephen King
Wizard and Glass by Stephen King
Wolves of the Calla by Stephen King
Of Foster Homes and Flies by Chad Lutzke
The Replican by MJ Medley
Lord of the Flies by Willian Golding
Sons and Lovers by DH Lawrence
Dune by Frank Herbert
NOS4A2 by Joe Hill
Horns by Joe Hill
Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
Beauty Queens by Libba Bray
The Thin Man by Dashiell Hammett
The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett
Woman in the Dark by Dashiell Hammett
The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler
Farewell, My Lovely by Raymond Chandler
The High Window by Raymond Chandler
The Lady in the Lake by Raymond Chandler
The Little Sister by Raymond Chandler
The Long Goodbye by Raymond Chandler
Playback by Raymond Chandler
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe by Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything by Douglas Adams
The Long Walk by Stephen King
1984 by George Orwell
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
Cannery Row by John Steinbeck
Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
A Study in Scarlet by Arthur Conan Doyle
The Sign of Four by Arthur Conan Doyle
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
The Dungeoneers by Jeffery Russell
Hell’s Super by Mark Cain
A Cold Day in Hell by Mark Cain
Deal with the Devil by Mark Cain
The Reluctant Demon by Mark Cain
Code Breakers: Alpha by Colin F Barnes
Vampire Conditions by Brian Allen Carr
The Last Horror Novel in the History of the World by Brian Allen Carr
Motherfucking Sharks by Brian Allen Carr
The Woodcutter by Kate Danley
Fun Home by Alison Bechdel

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Happy Birthday, America!

New color!  And I started going to a barbershop every few weeks to get designs shaved into the sides of my head.  I fucking love it!!  Though the barber is still at the point where he says, “How’s your boyfriend going to feel about this?  Is he okay with this?”  “I looked like this when he met me!  This isn’t a surprise!”  The first time I went I asked him to also trim my hair and he totally panicked and said, “I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO GIRLS HAIR!”     

For the last 4th of July, we decided to be grossly patriotic and go to Mt Rushmore.  We also decided to make it a tradition.  So back to South Dakota it was!


Did you know that Belle Fourche, South Dakota is the center of the country?  Well, now you do!


They also had a little museum with some really awesome stuff.

Beauty is pain.

I miss the days when Sheriff's wore capes and carried swords.

Fashion hero!

My ass never looked so good!

God, the world is way too pretty sometimes.

Now...on to the REAL Center of the Nation.  Turns out?  That other Center of the Nation?  Put up for tourists so they wouldn't have to drive so far out of town!

Deadwood got realllllly touristy after the show became a hit.

Where Wild Bill Hickok and Calamity Jane are buried.

It was really unsettling how commercialized they made the cemetery.  Like...there was a gift shop with blinking neon signs.

At what point, exactly, was South Dakota part of the Confederacy?

Tire Man says Happy 4th of July!

The in progress Crazy Horse Memorial.