Monday, November 10, 2014

I have somehow acquired a boyfriend!  He’s sweet and kind and loving and affectionate and adorable and intelligent and just…god, just wonderful.  We’re all in love and mushy and it’s so gross!

Okay!  So!  He answered my I-only-want-sex-no-dating ad on OKCupid.  We emailed for maybe a week; all surface and sex stuff.  He came over one evening and ended up staying until the next afternoon.  We got along really well and just clicked hard.  He kept telling me how much he liked me and how he couldn't wait to see me again.

I didn’t expect to hear from him but he texted me, asking if he could come back the next night and I said yes.  More about how amazing and sexy and wonderful I am.  Which, hi, awesome to hear!  I could just tell he wanted more than sex based on a few passing comments he made and I already really liked him.  I texted, “So am I wrong in thinking we could end up as more than a couple of people who fuck?”  “I'm so glad you said that!!  I totally want more than that with you!”

He said he knew all I wanted was sex and no dating, but he wanted to be honest about how he was feeling and I said, “Well…I think I’d be open to more than that.”  He says that, while he usually has no problem making the first move, it would have taken him a long time to do so with me since I was so clear about not wanting to date.  I’ve always said that, even though I’m on a dating hiatus, if someone amazing came along, I’d absolutely go with it.  And someone amazing came along.  (How to Find One of Your Own: Completely give up hope - it worked for me!)

He said he’d never fallen this fast before and was afraid of scaring me away.  I said I felt the same but that we needed to take things slowly.  I said I was open to seeing where dating would take us but I wanted non-monogamy, at least sexually.  That my ideal was emotional monogamy with sexual polyamory.  

He lives about two hours away so we can only see each other on weekends but he gets Fridays off so that’s not bad.  Plus I like a lot of alone-time.  Also, he was long-distance with a girlfriend for all of college so a two hour drive is probably nothing to him.

 I said, “Okay…we're dating!”  He asked if we could be Facebook official because he wanted everyone to know about “this bad ass girl I’m dating.”  Which blew me away (and still does.)  Like, I’m so used to the guys I’m with being ashamed of me.  Of not taking me out, of cropping me out of photos, of not introducing me to friends or family.  And I understood.  I understood their shame and embarrassment.  Who wouldn’t be ashamed of me?  Look at me.  (FUCK those guys, by the way.)  But not him.  He’s proud of me.  Proud to date me, proud to be with me.  He wanted his friends to see me, to know me.  He’s told all his friends about me and wants me to meet them.

He’s the first boy to ever bring me flowers!  Then he made homemade tikka masala for dinner!  And kept popping into the living room to kiss me.  He wants to take me away for my birthday weekend.  He’s taking me home for Thanksgiving so I can meet his friends and family.  He was flying home Friday morning so we wouldn’t see each other for a few weeks and he didn’t want to wait that long so he changed his flight so he could spend Thursday night and Friday morning with me before flying out in the afternoon.  He spends the night even when it means he has to wake up at 3am to get to work on time.  THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE TO ME!  He makes an incredible effort to spend time with me.

It’s so difficult for me to let people be nice to me and I’m trying so so so hard to stop trying to talk him out of it.  I have NEVER felt so fawned over!  So adored.  So lusted for. He gets butterflies when he sees me.  He’s so nervous and excited that he gets the shakes.  I’ve never had anyone feel this way for me before; they were always in love with someone else or trying to replace me.

Oh and can I mention he’s kinky as fuck so the sexy times are amaaaaaazing?  And frequent.  Jesus Christ.

Carter wants to meet him before I (potentially) go away with him.  She’s my Mama Bear.  He’s totally willing and that means a lot to  me.  I’ve never been with anyone who met my friends or who wanted me to meet theirs.

God, I just like him so fucking much.  I love him.  I love him in a way I’ve never loved anyone before and it sorta freaks me out.  I thought I knew what love was and then this happened.  I’ve never had anyone love me and treat me the way he does.  I know (as does he) that this is fast but it feels right.  And I honestly feel like, if it doesn't work out, it's totally okay, I'm going to survive. If it lasts a month, that just means I have an awesome month, ya know?  If it’s a mess, fuck yes I’ll hurt and mourn but then, eventually, I’ll be able pick up and move forward.  And I no longer feel that desperate NEED to be with someone. To earn love.  I just feel comfortable and safe with him. I feel loved by him.  I feel loved by him to a degree that I never thought I’d find or deserve.

Even though we’re annoyingly in love and planning for future events, I’ve made it clear that no major life changes are allowed for at least one year.  No marriage, no living together, no babies, no tattoos…none of it!  I’ve been single for five years and it’s weird to be dating again.  I’ve never dated in an emotionally healthy way before!  No desperation, no neediness. It's just...amazing.  I refuse to let myself run from something that’s already so amazing and I'm totally open to and excited about seeing what happens! With no expectations and no fear.

He makes me so happy that I literally pinch myself because I think it’s a dream. I DIDNT KNOW PEOPLE REALLY DID THAT.


  1. *crying my eyes out at the sheer awesomeness of this*

  2. So happy for you two!!! So lovely.

  3. Huzzah! I'm so thrilled for you, Heidi!

  4. I've been reading you on and off for years Heidi and have never commented before, but just want to say I'm really glad you're happy! You deserve to feel like this :)

  5. Ugh all the feels!!!! My heart is full.