Currently I have several people I do kink play with and several people I have sex with - there’s some overlap there. There’s no one in either category that I would describe as anything less than amazing at what they do. And that’s because I have no interest in keeping lovers or play partners around who aren’t amazing at what they do. Who don’t think I deserve to come repeatedly; who don’t think I deserve every bit of pleasure they can give me; who don’t respect my boundaries; who don’t revel in our combined sex and/or play experiences. I mean, even my phone sex partners (most of whom have been having phone sex with me for yeeeears) make me come before they do. Usually more than once. (Did I ever talk about phone sex? Maybe that’ll be a future entry.)
I know some folks don’t understand how in hell I have such an active and amazing sex/kink life while looking the way I look. I mean, come on, let’s be honest, I’m 350 pounds of questionable beauty over here. I’m not even sure how it happened. But I’m totally down to discuss it so we can try to figure it out!
Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not all sunshine, unicorns, and multiple orgasms! There have been some missteps in the last year since deciding to no longer date. No strings attached (nsa) sex is an awesome way for me to have fun and to feel good while not being distracted from focusing on the emotional and physical improvements I’m trying to make. One of the reasons I made the decision that 2013 would be a No Date Year is because of fuck ups in the previous two years that I’ve been here. Oh, have there ever been fuck ups! Mainly people who couldn’t/wouldn’t communicate. I’m a big fan of communication! This friend with benefits thing doesn’t work well without it
Let’s backtrack a few years.
I was 23 and in a shitty relationship with someone whose actions and words just annihilated my self esteem. He was ashamed of me yet I stayed for three years, believing no one else would want me. I mean, why would they? At 26 there was a horrible end to that horrible relationship and the three years I spent with my ex left me feeling so disgusting and ugly that I didn’t even touch myself for months after it was over.
I was so ashamed of myself and my body that I went another three years without dating or meeting anyone new. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to take my clothes off in front of someone. I became more and more positive that I would never have sex again; that I would never feel comfortable letting anyone see me naked. I was 30 years old, had only a couple of sexual experiences under my belt, and was so sure no one would ever want me. The longer I waited, the more emotionally difficult it got. I was just so positive that no one could ever find me appealing and I was scared to death to risk it and find out I was right.
So, here’s where it gets a little weird…
I fucked a friend’s boyfriend.
Yep. She knew how much self loathing I was holding on to and how afraid I was to even imagine getting naked in front of someone. How scared I was of meeting anyone new. I didn’t see myself as someone even remotely sexual. She told me her boyfriend was attracted to me, wanted to fuck me, and that she was totally fine with it; that she wanted this to happen because it would help me. She knew he’d be good for me, that he’d worship my body, and would fuck me really well.
So I fucked her boyfriend and she was right; he loved my body and made it abundantly clear. That’s where it began.
I signed up for OKCupid and, initially, it started out as dates that went well and we’d end up in bed. But then I asked myself, did I always need the date part? I went on more dates but sometimes we didn’t even need the preamble. The nsa sex started because it felt so good and helped me view myself as a hot and sexual being. Two things I hadn’t felt since I went to bondage clubs in my late teens and early 20s, getting a lot of action on the dance floor and in dark corners.
One of the dates I went on led to a short (and awful) relationship that ended much too late. He, also, wasn’t really interested in me sexually so, once again, even my boyfriend didn’t want to touch me. Well hi there belief I’m hideous, welcome home!
Then my life fell apart and fucking people was an awesome distraction. Because of where my self esteem and self confidence were at that time, I didn’t always set boundaries and I didn’t always care if the situation was unsafe. I also didn’t always ask for what I wanted. I didn’t say, “It would feel so fucking good if you went down on me.” Or, “It would feel incredible if you did such and such.” Or even, “It would be awesome if…” Don’t get me wrong, I had amazing sex and a lot of it, but some of it would probably have been a lot better had I opened my mouth (zing!) and told my partner what I wanted. It just wasn’t something I was used to doing. That’s the only part I regret - not communicating my needs and desires to my partners.
That’s one of the biggest lessons I learned over that year and a half of nsa sexin’: nobody can read minds and if I want something? I need to fucking ask for it. Even if I would do something for my partners without them having to ask, it sure as hell doesn’t mean everyone else operates that way. (I have a lot of trouble remembering that in all aspects of my life.) I don’t regret the sex I had, not in the slightest. The only regret I have is how I didn’t assert myself during it. As I said, it was amazing but it probably would have been even more so had I been vocal about what I wanted.
These days I do vocalize what I want, whether it be a long make out session, to be eaten out, to have my ass hit by a specific toy, if I want stingy pain or thuddy pain, etc. And I actually get it! Sometimes people need direction and god knows I always appreciate feedback.
But this is about how I’ve acquired great partners. Hmm. Really though, I’m not even sure how it happened. I think about the difference between fucking people back home vs fucking people here and it’s like night and day. So what I’m going to do is give you my experiences in searching for fuck buddies as well as some tips I’ve picked up along the way. Cool? Cool!
Back home, OKC was my jam. I found dates, fuck buddies, one night stands, and relationships through it. The massive amount of sex I had was found solely there. But I think OKC is hit and miss, depending a lot on where you live. Being that I now live in a small college town in the south - where not a ton of people do the online dating thing - it’s been lacking, to say the least. I shut down my ad due to 2013 being a no date/yay hook ups year and, really, don’t miss it. I mean, it wasn’t working for me anyway so… I’m considering opening it back up in 2014, but only to see how an OKC nsa ad will fare. Dating is just not something I can do in a healthy way right now. I’m not ready.
CraigsList Casual Encounters
An interesting experiment to say the least! The nsa ad I placed over the summer was my first time posting there. The sheer mass of responses I received blew me away. I’m never ever allowed to say the words, “no one wants to fuck me” again. Because, holy shit, people really do want to fuck me. Believe me, I’m shocked too!
So…kinky? I view Fet as Facebook for pervs. You can find local groups and events that fit your desires and needs. There are a lot of creepers - especially if you’re a submissive woman - so you need to keep your boundaries tight. The safest thing to do is go to a get-together hosted by your local kink group and get to know people. It’s a good way to build trust with local folks and find out what’s what and who’s who. I’ve met a lot of people at kink events I found through Fetlife and several of them have become my regular and semi-regular play/sex partners.
Adult Friend Finder
I’ve never used it but have a few friends who’ve had success with it.
Oh god, this is the one I’m the absolute worst at. Until moving here, every single person I slept with or dated came from the internet. I’m just not good at meeting people any other way. Now I live somewhere where the vast majority of the population is in their late teens and early 20s and I’m 35 so... (Somehow I got old and became a cougar. Rawr!)
I had a few hook-ups with acquaintances I met through mutual friends but none became consistent for one reason or another and ended weirdly. And a couple of experiences kinda sucked due to that lack of communication thing I mentioned earlier. Plus there’s my whole social phobia bullshit to deal with. Meeting people in real life requires leaving the house! I’m not good at that! One of my goals for 2014 is to do that more. To actually go to new places and, hopefully, meet new people.
Flirting is always fun! I used to know how to flirt - often it came naturally and unintentionally - but I have no clue how to make it happen now. I think my flirt muscles atrophied from lack of use. I wear low cut dresses, listen attentively to everyone, and see what happens. As my motto states: Chin Up, Tits Out!
So, the specifics! I put up an ad that lays out who I am and what I’m looking for. A guy responds. Is he cute? Does he sound like someone I could have sexual chemistry with? If yes, I reply. We discuss what we like in bed and what we’re looking for. If it sounds like someone I could have a good time with, we make a “date.”
Typical Hook Up - I Go to Them
These fluctuated quite a bit. The ones that were solely sex sometimes happened after weeks of IMing/texting/talking and sometimes they happened within an hour of replying to his initial message. Sometimes I went to their homes, sometimes we fucked around in a car, sometimes they got us a motel room. As I said, I didn’t always make the smartest decisions.
Before going, I would send all the information I had (email addresses, phone numbers, pictures, screen names, etc) to a friend with the instructions: “If I’m killed, avenge my death!” I would also send them license plate numbers once I saw the car. The friend and I would have an agreed upon check in time and then I’d let them know when I left the hook up and got home safely.
I was really lucky in that I never had a negative or scary experience. Weird, yes. Scary, no.
If that seems too intimidating or dangerous for you, meet for coffee or a drink beforehand. There were a couple of times when I’d meet a guy at Starbucks and, after a 15 minute conversation, we headed to the motel. Some guys will not be down for that if all they want is to fuck and they view it as some form of intimacy and just don’t get the safety issues women face while meeting strangers.
If you do this, you need to be certain that you’re capable of finishing your drink, saying that you don’t feel chemistry, and leaving. Don’t go to the next step simply because you feel too guilty or too embarrassed to walk away. Do not go to a motel/their place/your place simply because you don’t want to be mean or make them feel badly. Your comfort and safety matter more than their feelings. You don’t have to be cruel but you also don’t have to compromise yourself in any way.
Typical Hook Up - They Come to Me
This time around, all hook ups happen at my place. Part of that is because I have a male roommate so I do feel a level of protection. I still sometimes do the sending information to a friend beforehand thing though less so than I did back in LA.
I try to do everything I can to make myself as calm as possible before the “date” because I’m always nervous about meeting someone new. And this "someone new" is going to be seeing and touching my naked body! Because of how stressed I get about my home being super cleam (hi, hoarding parents), I know I have to tidy my bedroom and, at least, wipe down and scrub the toilet in order to feel okay with someone visiting. I put lube and condoms on the nightstand. Also toys if I’m in the mood for them. I do the primping thing but never wear makeup or do anything fancy to my hair since that shit’s gonna be screwed up fast (if all goes well!) so I see no point. I tend to answer the door barefoot, in a dress or nightgown with nothing on underneath. (Easy access!)
We sit on my bed and make small talk or chat for awhile, possibly drinking a couple of beers. I’ve gotten better at making a first move if they seem hesitant. I guess “a move” isn’t completely accurate and makes it sound like a big deal. Usually I just say, “Would you like to kiss me?” And things go from there. I am so far from smooth.
- First and foremost: Is nsa sex what you want? Is it something you can handle? Can you separate sex from love? If the answer is no, that’s totally okay! Maybe you’ll think about these questions and realize that, no, sex without an emotional connection isn’t something you’re comfortable with. Maybe you’ll try it once and be done with it. Those are completely valid feelings and actions! Don’t force this if it doesn’t feel right to you. And do not think that what you feel is, in any way, bad or wrong. Because it isn’t! This shit isn’t for everyone.
- Be honest in your ad. if you weigh 400 pounds, SAY you weigh 400 pounds and show a picture in which you actually look like your 400 pound self. There’s putting your best foot forward and there’s using camera angles and Photoshop to look like someone you’re not. If you’re planning to meet these people, what’s the point of making them expect you to look like someone else?
- In the same vein, show full body pictures, regardless of your size. I do NOT like false expectations and I will NOT create them. I show exactly what my body looks like because I’m not interested in wasting anyone’s time, including my own.
- Figure out, specifically, what you want and are looking for. Do you just want a make out partner? Do you want to be gone down on and nothing else? Do you want hot, dirty sex in a public place? Include these things in your ad.
- Find out what your potential hook up wants out of this. Do they just want a blowjob? Will they go down on you (if that’s what you want)?
- Where is this going to happen? Figure out what will make you feel safest and most comfortable.
- If any part of you feels uncomfortable while talking to someone, stop. Don’t second-guess it or try to talk yourself out of it. Listen to your instincts, they exist for a reason. If you get a creepy vibe but you feel guilty and don’t know how to end the email exchange or how to cancel on them, lie. Make something the hell up if you have to. Blame work for keeping you busy, make up a boyfriend who has suddenly returned, kill off a fake relative… Take care of and protect yourself, no matter what.
- Your boundaries! These are important! If anything is a great big NO for you, tell them about it.
- Implement a check-in plan with a friend, regardless of where you’re meeting.
- Do not expect to see the person again. Even if they say you will. Even if they contact you after to try to make plans. Assume they are all one night stands until they're in your bed the second time. If you start assuming these people will be coming back, that can fuck with your self confidence. Some disappear after fucking once, some you’ll see regularly, some will disappear after a few times, some contact you but you never meet, and some disappear and then pop back up later.
This is no strings attached sex…do not let your mind turn it into more. If you do, you’re going to feel hurt and take it personally. And that’s what we want to avoid, you feeling worse about yourself.
- If you go the CL route, don't be offended if guys ask if you’re a prostitute. Apparently, 99% of nsa ads by women are code for sex work.
- If you meet someone in person and the sex is mediocre or just plain bad, realize it’s not a big deal. Meet them another time to try again if you want. Or if you want to try it with someone else, go for it. Don’t let a couple of disappointing experiences make you feel unwanted or undeserving of a gazillion orgasms!
- You are in control here. You are not obligated to reply to a message that makes you uncomfortable. Really, you’re not obligated to reply to any message, regardless of your reasons. You don’t have to say “yes” just because you think you have to take what you can get. You don’t have to say “yes” just in case no one else asks. You are allowed to have standards. You’re allowed to change your mind at any time.
- CONDOMS! CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS! Non-negotiable. If he tries to talk his way out of wearing one, end that shit immediately.
Ultimately, I don’t know why or how someone who looks like me gets laid on a fairly consistent basis. I’m no more interesting or awesome than anyone else. Honestly, I don’t see myself as special at all. But I am honest and upfront about what I want and I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. Hell, maybe it’s all dumb luck.
Maybe it’s because, over the last few years, I’ve been cultivating a no-fucks-given kind of attitude. I’ve worked on loving the body I’m in and the person I am. I’m nowhere even remotely near perfect but accepting yourself is a lifelong process and I’m better than I’ve ever been before. I hate to be “that guy” but, based on who I was when doing this back home and who I am now, my self esteem and self confidence are a million times higher than they used to be.
All the sex I've had has desensitized me to that one moment when you first get naked. The shame doesn't wash over me anymore. I have groups of people at kink events see me naked and playing. I fuck with the lights on or with sun streaming through my windows. I strip down and don't automatically try to cover myself with my hands. I am wanted. I am desired. I am lusted after. And this flawed, perfect body is part of that. When I'm straddling an adorable boy and he stares at me with reverence, telling me to sit up so he can see me, his hands on my belly, telling me how sexy I am. When a hot boy stares into my eyes, fingers hard on my clit, telling me to come for him. When I orgasm more times than I can count. When my throat is raw from screaming. When there's a hot, hungry mouth between my legs. That's what I focus on. In those moments, I do not give a shit how saggy my tits are, how fat my stomach is, how far I am from a cultural ideal. It takes time to get there. It takes practice and mindfulness. When my mind goes to that shitty place, I have to make the conscious decision to focus on what I'm feeling physically; to focus on the incredible things my body is experiencing and not allow my brain to fuck it all up.
I know this is silly but I try to live as if I’m about to get laid. I struggle a lot with self care; it’s always the first to go. But, see, if I’m expecting to get laid tonight, what would I do? I’d clean my room, I’d take a long, hot shower, I’d make sure I was squeaky clean, I’d slather on coconut oil so my skin is crazy soft. Maybe I’d paint my nails or use a face mask or a body scrub.
See, the thing is? I deserve to feel the way these things make me feel. Even without some dude coming over. These things make me happy and make me present in my body and if, for now, I need to trick myself into doing them, that’s totally okay. One day I won’t need to because I’ll see them as things I deserve, whether or not a guy is on my doorstep.
Amazing books will help a few of you in figuring out what turns you on and loving who you are:
- What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety by Jaclyn Friedman
- Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them) by Hanne Blank
- The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse by Staci Haines
I just want you to have the best sex of your life. I want you to take off your clothes and bask in your lovers' hungry gaze. I want to hear about you flirting with a cutie at the grocery store. I want to hear about you buying new sex toys and asking for what you want in bed and feeling like the hottest piece of ass on Earth! Because you deserve all of that and more.