Monday, January 7, 2013

Reveal (NSfW Nude Fatty Ahoy!)



My first reaction to this photo was disgust. Then humiliation. Shame. Rage. Sadness. I thought about all the ways I could have looked better. Not taking a profile.  Not sitting.  Not allowing all my fat to shift to the left. Adjusting my tits so they’re closer and my shy nipples are visible. Arching my back. Hiding my arm fat. Molding my body into a better visual.

I know this will be seen and shared by people who find me repulsive. I know this will be seen and shared by people searching for thinspiration. I know I’ll be laughed at and judged and mocked.

I remember, a few years back, when I was braver about my body. When I posted pictures of myself in my underwear even though I knew the internet was going to rip me to shreds. But I did it anyway. Smirking and shrugging and saying hi to Something Awful in the photos. And that entire experience ended up with me having even more confidence than before (not immediately, of course) because if I could survive that?  Shit, I can survive anything.

This past year I’ve had several guys be interested in me and then decide I was just TOO fat. And none of them bothered to use any kindness in telling me so. I’ve slowly curled inwards. Back to self loathing and worthlessness.  Back to yanking down my sleeves and wishing I were different.

Fuck.

That.

Fuck.

That.

Fuck.

That.

This is a new year. I’m going to love myself and accept my body, no matter how much it changes and shifts as it tries to find its home.

I saved this picture. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because it’s the only self-taken photo in which I’m not trying. Not trying to look better. Not trying to hide anything. It’s raw and vulnerable.

It’s honest.

And it’s me.


ETA: I looked at this photo so many times while debating posting it that it no longer strikes me as disgusting or shameful.  It’s just my body.  Nothing more and nothing less.  I need to take more pictures of myself so I can increase this feeling of non-judgment.  This is why normalizing bodies of all shapes and sizes is important.  You are normal.  You are acceptable.  You are worthy of everything you want.   

So let's make this the year we all do the things we don't normally do.  Go sleeveless, go dancing, fuck with the lights on, ask someone on a date and don't feed badly for more than a few hours if they say no.  Jump out of a plane, try a new food, eliminate the toxic people in your life.  Eat ice cream for breakfast, wear a swimsuit, go back to school, ask for a raise.  Learn a skill you've always wanted to, memorize the capitals, dance at the bar.  Do the things you're afraid of.  Do the things you don't think you "should" be doing.  Do what sets you free.

This year?  Let's set this fucking world on fire.

20 comments:

  1. You have so much courage. Just when I think I can't possibly admire you even more, you do this. I am in kind of an opposite situation where I'm losing a lot of weight (for my health) and my body is going to end up with more loose skin than a Shar-Pei. Having plastic surgery will cost many thousands of dollars that I don't have. But you're right...it's just a body, that's all. It's just this shell that I walk around in. You inspire me to keep things in proper perspective.

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  2. You are fucking beautiful. Dont set the world on fire, set all the motherfuckers who judge people by their size and looks on fire, then the world will be a better place

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  3. Heidi, this is a beautiful picture. It is you in the truest sense. You look so calm and serene and present it's like you just sort of captured this little wink of time, it's really great. If you hadn't said it was a self portrait I would have thought someone else took it when you didn't know they were pressing the shutter.

    I'm really glad you were brave enough to post this. You are awesome and beautiful, lady.

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    1. If you hadn't said it was a self portrait I would have thought someone really madly in love with you took it.

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  4. I just finished reading your blog back to 2002. It seems almost poetic to go to the updated entry and see this photo. Almost the visual representation of 10 years of inner thoughts.

    It was very interesting to read about your last 10 years. I wish you all the best for the next 10.

    Also...lovely pic!

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  5. YESSS!! You are AMAZING!!! You are brave and beautiful and there is no way you'll be able to count all of the people you have just inspired.

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  6. Thank you for being so brave Heidi. And I really admire your resilience.

    I am involved with a guy who has never been with a fat chick before (I am 300lb). It has caused some difficulties. Like he has a crappy mattress on his bed and so he won't let me sleep in his bed because apparently my weight fucks with the springs.

    It hurts.

    And the fact that he made comments about my weight at the start (that he didnt know if he could be with me because of his feelings about my weight) and even though he decided he did want to be with me, I can't forget that my weight was an issue for him.

    And the fact that he made a thing of telling me that he liked having sex standing up while he held his partner wrapped around him. Obviously we can't do that. And the logistics of shower sex just don't work.

    Now I don't want him to look at me when I am naked and I am so self conscious when we get intimate even though I have had plenty of relationships and lovers (as a big chick) and have never had this experience or felt this way about myself before.

    Sorry for spilling this all out here. I just thought you might understand where I'm at.

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    1. Leave him. Leave him, leave him, leave him. Please. PLEASE. This is not about weight, this is about him being a person who likes to tell his girlfriends things that make them easier to control. If you were a super model, it would be something else - probably how you should never eat cake so you wouldn't GET fat.

      Please. Leave.

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  7. So I recognized myself in this photo....maybe not the same size and all the same shapes but enough to know that we are both women...and according to my husband...very desirable. I love the color of your skin, the creamy pink, the softness. Good for you....

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  8. I love you for this. Thank you.

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  9. First thing I thought when I seen this pic, wow, such self confidence! It takes balls to take a photo like this, to judge it, to upload it and to be proud of it, so you go girl!

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  10. You're an inspiration, you're strong, you're amazing, you're BEAUTIFUL. Thank you for sharing so much with me, and with all of us. Happy new year, let's kick some fucking ass :)

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  11. Not that you asked or need this but my first instinctual, gut reaction was "She is SO brave". I don't know many people courageous enough to bare the most tender parts of themselves to such scrutiny. Immediately after that,"What beautiful creamy white skin she has". I'm hetero by the way and the mother of four so I feel I can be honest without being inappropriate (hopefully), one lady to another. You are truly lovely.

    As for the ones who said no, they did the right thing. If after searching their feelings they know secretly they'd never be able to measure up to such a magnificent soul, it's in everyone's best interest they keep moving. I've read a bit of your blog and it's going to take one heck of a partner to be your match. But don't worry, they're rare but they exist. Keep your eyes open. As for their negative comments, it's more about them than you. "You're too fat" = "I'm afraid of what I don't know and afraid to learn". Too bad for them. You rock on. You're a flat out inspiration.

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  12. what the fuck is wrong with you. kill yourself already

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    1. Naaaaaaaah, I'd rather stick around and enrage you with my existence! It's much more fun! MWAH!

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  13. On the one hand, I think it's brave to post this because I'm super modest and am not comfortable being nude really anywhere, not "you're so brave because of your body shape and you posted this" if that makes sense. What I see instead of size, is just a woman. No more, no less than any of the rest of us. We all have curves here or dips there or different colors of skin, or hair here or no hair there or whatever, you're you and I'm me and OK so there you are in that picture and I'm moving on... If I look again, closer, I see my own curves in your arms, your breasts, your belly... But I don't have a real emotional reaction to this, like OMG OMG OMG... I just think hey cool OK, there's Heidi. To me, you are not summed up by any photo, you are your intelligence, humor, emotions, compassion, experiences, etc... :)

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  14. I'm not going to say this picture is beautiful, because it isn't. But you don't have to be beautiful to be happy with who you are. I've been reading your site for awhile and I just wanted to say that I think you've come a long way, especially since the crazy move to Alabama.

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  15. I'm not really into fat bodies (which is not the same as thinking that no one else finds them attractive), but I really like this photo. Your skin has such a nice color and texture, and it makes everything look really soft and smooth. I think it's a wonderful photo of you.

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  16. Hello! I've never heard of your website before today, I was linked from jezebel (http://groupthink.jezebel.com/jezebel-meet-heidi-795087361)

    So I peeked at the NSFW ones first because I don't have the energy to go about reading through all of them right this minute but after first seeing the photo, and then reading the first paragraph (I read the whole thing but the first paragraph really moved me)I felt compelled to inform you that the only thing I saw in that photo was beauty.

    It is a really nice photo, my body is not all that different and it reminds me of the way I relate to my naked self. Then when I read the first paragraph I was shocked because I have felt all those exact things about my own image when I'm thinking about how I must look to others, or imagining myself in bed with another person, but those things didn't even occur to me until I read your words. I just wanted to let you know.

    Kind regards, fellow fat girl who doesn't hate her body. ;)

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