Friday, August 10, 2012

Ugly Fat Bitch

I love getting fancied up. Putting on a dress and doing my makeup and playing with my hair. Picking out jewelry and changing my mind again and again. I love having a reason to do those things and I'm always happy with the way I look. I look in the mirror and think, “Yay! I look awesome!” But I don't ever feel “pretty” and I definitely don't feel “beautiful.” When I look in the mirror and am happy with what I see it isn't because I look “pretty.” It's because I look on the outside how I feel on the inside. Because my outside feels real. Because my outside feels authentic. Because I actually look like me.

Ugly. Ugly bitch. Ugly fat bitch.

Once upon a time ugly scared me. Hissed between teeth or screamed across streets. Typed into boxes in places I tried to feel safe. Ugly. Ugly bitch. Ugly fat bitch. Ugly ugly ugly. It owned me. It destroyed me. My worth, my value, my purpose. All wrapped up in a subjective declaration of my physical being.

Ugly. Ugly bitch. Ugly fat bitch.

I accepted those words as truth and swallowed them whole. Allowing the poison to infect every bit of me.

So I began wondering, what if I am ugly? I made myself really think about it. What if I am ugly? What if I am hideous? Let's go all the way. What If I am the worst looking person who does and has ever walked the face of the earth?

I'm ugly. And? What does that make me? Is that the worst thing I can be? Is that my ultimate downfall?

Ugly. Ugly bitch. Ugly fat bitch.

Do you know how often I get told I'm so ugly I should kill myself? My being attractive is so important that not having it means I should take my life. Being attractive is so important that not being it means I don't deserve to live. Because I'm not attractive, I should die.

When did society decide I had to be pretty for you? Really, my looks mean nothing. They're a mixture of genetics and past and present decisions and actions. And I could change aspects of my looks if so inclined. Maybe I am inclined and maybe I'm not. But right now. Right now... Ugly fat bitch.

And I realized I can own “ugly”. Just like I own “fat” and just like I own “slut”. Like I own the words spewed at me with rage and hate and ire. I can snatch them out of the air when you spit them at me and make them my own. I fantasize about having “fat & ugly” tattooed on me in a beautiful script. So I can own what tries to destroy me.

So if I can simply say, okay, I'm ugly and I don't have any obligation to change that for you, what would happen? It'd be one less thing to think about. One less thing to worry about. One less think to occupy too much of my mind. One less thing to focus on instead of what really matters.

One less thing to hate myself for.

The moment I realized I didn't have to be beautiful was the moment I was finally free.

Ugly. Ugly bitch. Ugly fat bitch.

So fuck you. Fuck your “flattering clothes.” Fuck your “cover your fat rolls.” Fuck your “ideal weight.” Fuck your “you'll never get a date.” Fuck your picking apart my face and body. Fuck your “I'd kill myself if I looked like you.” But most of all? Fuck your “pretty.”

I'll aim for “compassionate” and “kind” and “strong” and “brave.” I'll aim for “doesn't harass people online in hopes of making them kill themselves.” I'll aim for “authentic.” I won't always succeed. But I'll try.

So take your "pretty" and I'll be over here. Working to become something better. Something more. Something beyond "pretty."

33 comments:

  1. Love you Heidi. You are wonderful and beautiful.

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  2. Thank you for posting this.

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  3. I'm right there with you with saying a great big FUCK YOU to the "flattering clothes" and "covering fat rolls" and "ideal weight". What's flattering? And TO WHOM?! It's all hugely subjective and nobody can ever agree on it in the first place. And I'm never going to be on board with "ideal weight" for anyone - fat or thin - until the world gets its collective head out of its collective ass and realizes what bullshit the BMI scale (the be-all and end-all of health, don'tchaknow [yes I know you know :P]) really is.

    But I wanted to say this:

    True beauty has very little, if anything at all, with a person's outward appearance. The kind of beauty that changes the lives of people around them has everything to do with the kind of person you ARE, and fuck all to do with what you LOOK LIKE. It's about how you treat people. How you approach the world around you. How you think and how you feel, and how you take those thoughts and feelings and put them into actions.

    Our world as it is today is entirely too wrapped up in appearances. Yours, mine, Joe Schmoe's down the block... EVERYONE's. It's a sad state of being, if you ask me. There are so many more important things about a person than what they look like, and yet society in general doesn't care about any of that, all they care about is what they see.

    I've been following you long enough that while I certainly don't know you as well as I would if we knew each other in real life, I DO have at least an idea of the kind of person you are.

    And that is NOT an ugly person. Not even CLOSE.

    Don't get me wrong, I get what you're saying, and I agree with it, but equating physical beauty with TRUE beauty is a mistake. You have TRUE beauty.

    Not to mention a smile that lights up your entire face. :)

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  4. This policing of strangers drives me crazy. I happen to think you're beautiful, but even if you weren't, so fucking what? That would just mean you don't fit my personal physical tastes. It's utterly subjective. IT MEANS NOTHING.
    People who can't live if they can't be pretty have NOTHING ELSE GOING FOR THEM. They're as shallow, fragile, and hollow as an empty porcelain teacup. Any chip in the veneer and they'd just shatter. And they know it. And they're scared. You scare them because you're deep and strong in ways they can never be, you've survived things they can't imagine, and they want you to go away and stop reminding them.
    They spend all their time and energy and money shoring up their fading looks, desperate to meet society's standards. Always making themselves less, and less, and less. In the end they won't move anything but the dirt it takes to bury them. If they can make you cry, make you kill yourself, make you hate yourself the way they hate themselves, then they'll finally feel powerful over something.
    Fuck 'em.
    I'm a monster. I'm a dinosaur. I'm a sea witch AND I LIKE IT.

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  5. You have no idea how many times I've said those exact words to myself! Well, maybe you do. I haven't quite got to the 'fuck you' stage, but I'm getting there. "One less thing to hate myself for" may be my new goal. :)

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  6. You are a huge inspiration to me. Whenever I feel down about myself or someone says something to me about putting more work into my appearance or some stupid shit like that, I think of you and say, "Fuck that."

    You help me remember that I don't have to please anyone but myself.

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  7. This makes me so sad because I relate.

    Because I'm fat, I'm good enough to screw, but not good enough to deserve a normal life. Sure, it's ok to want me to make your dinner, suck you d***, but I'll never be good enough to be your wife because only thin beautiful girls are worth you spending money on for flowers and jewelry. Women who don't even like you, but because they are beautiful they are the only ones worth romance.

    So the very thin enough, pretty enough, young enough 10% of women have 98% of the men of all ages, sizes & attractiveness chasing them. Feeling like THEY deserve the most beautiful woman, the most thin, the most socially acceptable.

    And you know what? I hope they rip you off & tear your heart out because you are shallow & you deserve it, stupid victim of your own eyes. And when you can no longer provide for the most beautiful prize or she is no longer as beautiful or as thin? I hope she gets the best of your money, your love, and steps on your heart the way you've stepped on the heart of every girl who was good enough for you to sleep with, but wasn't beautiful enough for you to give your best to.

    You know what is really ugly? This anger. Feeling it. Knowing that no matter how beautiful I may look on the outside, my inside will be covered up with scar tissue, and if I remove the fat ugly bitch tattoo from my heart, the scar will still remain. I love kids too much to give them my scar.

    There's this guy named Drew who romanced me every day for 3 months. We never even kissed. Finally, after 3 months online, he slept with me twice, then acted like I was crazy when I tried to contact him. Acted like I made this up in my head. I wonder what scar tissue he had, because I didn't deserve it.

    Bow down before the one you serve you're going to get what you deserve. But when did any of us stop deserving to be honestly loved?

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  8. <3 <3 <3 Heidi, I love this post. You are so right, and so smart. Not only are our looks just genetics + some choices, they are objective and personal to every individual. Not only that, they are truly irrevevant to what a person really is.

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  9. That's what I'm fuckin' talkin' about babe.

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  10. Good for you! The outside wrapper is so inconsequential when the ugly in the heart shines through. You are far more beautiful than your haters will ever be.

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  11. Heidi, I have always love the beauty in you.
    Janice

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  12. Really, aside from the fact that you are sufficiently beautiful inside that your looks shouldn't matter anyway, you're actually extremely attractive on the outside, so it's not that what the small-minded say to you shouldn't count, it's that they're lying to you to break your confidence. Fuck them.

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  13. I trusted my ex because he called me those things. I knew he was telling the truth. I never trusted guys who told me I had a nice smile or I was funny or anything good - I knew they were lying. I was a fat ugly bitch and that's that.

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  14. This is my ugly theme song (NSFW): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5tg5JLClpo

    Also, one of my favorite bands as a kid was AVAIL, and they had a teeshirt with the words "poor, ugly, happy" written on the back of it. I wish I still had it, but I wore it threadbare. <3

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  15. I disagree - you're fat, but you're not ugly. you're a beautiful person, because all those things you described are true beauty - strength, kindness, bravery - heck you're a wonderful person, and you're right, fuck your 'pretty' - but not being pretty isn't being ugly - being ugly is judging people on appearrance, suggesting someone kills themselves, lying, not caring

    the opposite of pretty isn't ugly - ugly has nothing to do with the outside

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  16. As always your words fill in the spaces of what most of us are trying to say......I'm glad you shared this on FB....I expect you will get more readers as a result.

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  17. Hear hear! This is exactly how I feel about fat. Who gives a shit? It means NOTHING.

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  18. I think this is the best, most meaningful, most helpful thing I've ever read on your blog, and that's saying a LOT, because I always love to read what you write. Thanks for laying this out so simply, logically, and beautifully. I'm taking inspiration from this post and holding it in my heart as I deal with my own issues of appearance, which for me are focused on aging and dealing with losing whatever looks I might've had.

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  19. "Fuck your “flattering clothes.” Fuck your “cover your fat rolls.” Fuck your “ideal weight.” Fuck your “you'll never get a date."

    That's pretty much what goes through my head every day. It goes through my head every time I go on another shitty date or get involved in a terrible relationship because I never have believed that I deserve any better. I haven't even made any friends since going back to college because I feel like I have nothing to offer them and I'm stuck in the most heartbreaking relationship that I feel like if I leave it, I'll somehow be even more alone.

    I've never commented on your blog before but I've been reading for ages. I commented today because this is the first time i've read one of your posts and cried because I can't believe someone has found a way to express the exact kind of bullshit that fogs my head and not only that, but you've found a way to make peace and empower yourself. I can only one day hope to find that in myself too.

    <3

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  20. This is just what I needed to see right now.
    "Fat" and "ugly" are two words that have been thrown at me since I was just a little kid - from teachers, pupils, people in shops and on the street, from cars as I'm waiting at the bus stop, some family members who don't know they're doing any wrong... Everywhere. I even feel like the shit that is spewed from the media is personally targeted towards me, and I blush with shame that I'm so ugly. I imagine other supposedly "ugly" individuals feel the same there, or maybe that's just me being a little odd.

    I've read your blog only for a few months and I regularly come back again and again to read through some older posts because they boost my confidence - ugly and fat are 2 words that go together so well, it seems, and have been said to me to the point I've cut myself, cried myself to sleep and thought of myself as unworthy in every possible way - be it any hobbies/activities I enjoy, getting a partner, participating at school, making friends... Everything. It sends me into a great panic because I think to myself, "God, you're so ugly no one would be seen dead with you. You can't wear the right clothes, you don't look the right way, you're too fat. Quit while you're ahead."

    I'm ashamed to say that only just at 19 years of age I'm just realising that being considered "ugly" and being fat doesn't actually DEFINE me and they're most definitely not the WORST THINGS TO BE. God, I have the worst days sometimes. All the bad stuff replays in my head, from when I was a kid to recent abuse from strangers ranging from being called an ugly fat bitch or just being laughed and stared at. And it gets me so fucking low. But there are goodd days. I'm heartbroken only recently I've actually thought to myself that life is way too short, and the media way too twisted, and people's views too moulded and contorted - to hate myself and get down about being called ugly and fat.

    I find it so strange how I can call myself fat but when others do, it hurts like hell. I'm trying to change that and so far so good. Fat. It's okay. It isn't a bad thing. I'm totally owning fat at the moment, grabbing the words as they're said out of the abusers mouth's with my fat little hand and blowing them back with a kiss. I'm totally beyond that. Ugly is a different matter though. It's harder than fat for me. Everybody is so scared to be considered as ugly they will do all they can to change it, instead of attempting some kind of self love, or thinking they're beautiful for different things. I don't think I'm tremendously beautiful or pretty or cute on the outside - not at all. But damn, I am NOT ugly. I'm kind and considerate. I listen to my friends and help them when they need it. Hell, I'll help anyone who needs it. I'm always polite and thinking of others and yeah, this sounds like cheesy bullshit but it's true - I'm a fucking nice person, making me beautiful. I'm brave. I've gotten through a hell of a lot, I'm still here standing and I am fucking beautiful.

    So thank you so much for this post. You are beautiful, Heidi, don't you forget it. Anybody can see that just by the words you post - and although you don't need any validation from me or anybody else, but you're pretty fucking Goddamn beautiful on the outside, too. So you fucking own ugly and all the other shitty words thrown at you and you make them look GOOD! You show them lowlives that spew abuse and these words like they're the worst thing you could ever be that you don't fucking care and you're a million times better than that.

    I'm sorry this is so long, but you are amazing and this is just what I needed right now. I seriously wish I knew you IRL and could be best friends! You keep getting better every day, and you keep strong. Thank you for posting on this blog. <3

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  21. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.
    Remember that.
    Love, Kath.

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  22. Long time reader, first time commenter, rock on Heidi, you're amazing.

    Love this poetry slam piece about "pretty", hope you do too.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0

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  23. Heidi, I know you're not a "God" person, but I thought I would share this with you anyway, because it has spoken to my heart so many times when I've gotten down on myself:

    "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." -1 Peter 3:3-4

    <3 Sarah

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  24. Thank you, lady, I just stumbled onto your blog, and you have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. I AM FAT, I AM UGLY, SO FUKKIN WHAT.
    You are a goddess. No matter what you look like, you are beautiful because you helped a total stranger.

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  25. I don't see why it has to be black OR white. Inner beauty is important, yes, but so is physical -and no one is completely hideous or absolutely perfect. I believe in balance and doing your the best you can do at any given moment. You know yourself better than any troll out there does. Don't bother feeding them. Most of them cover up insecurities of their own. But don't look for strength or approval in others, either. Just try to be the best you can be, spiritually and physically, and your natural beauty will shine through. And if you fuck up today, well, there's always tomorrow.

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  26. It is counter to everything you are expressing in your post so I almost hate to say it but you are extrememly cute and rad - and, I love the distinction you make of looking in the mirror and wanting to see awesome even if that doesn't mean "pretty."
    I feel sick when I think of how much time I've devoted to appearance. Never feeling pretty but hoping to somehow "pass". So yeah. Fuck pretty. Kick pretty in the ass and push pretty down the stairs!

    (The Stevie Smith poem 'Pretty' is fucking awesome too and I wonder if you'd like it as a good grounding point about the word...it's not about pretty as appearance, it's about prettiness as a concept and how basically everyfuckingthing in the natural world is pretty. My high school English teacher tried to destroy it for everyone by reading it in a sarcatic bastard voice because it was part of our curriculum so he had to, but I shivered nonetheless in sheer joy)

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  27. I'm 5'9 1/2 and weight 261 pounds. When I got married 10 years ago, I weighed 265. My husband has always been around 150. He's cute, smart, and has a great job. And I've had some women resent me for that fact. Apparently, I don't deserve him at my weight. How dare he love me. But love me he does. There are good ones out there, I promise. But you have to believe you're worth it no matter what society tells you. You are responsible for what you tell yourself. Don't give anyone that power. Fuck what they think. By the way, I think heavier guys are hot, too. I just ended up with a skinny guy. Love is love, you know? It's deeper than the outside. I know it's hard, but don't let anyone say you're not worthy of love. You are. I am. We all are. This comment was for some of the above posters. And Heidi, you aren't even close to ugly. Beauty, like art, is subjective. Some people float your boat, and some don't. And vice versa.

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  28. I want to thank you for writing this. You've described something that I've felt, too: that how I look is WRONG, that my being ugly is not just unfortunate or bad luck but something that I should feel guilty about, something I owe it to everyone around me to fix. I've been thinking about your phrase 'beyond pretty' for days now, and I feel so moved by it. You're a talented writer and a great person. Thank you.

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  29. I've lived with this all of my life. In fact I had weight loss surgery which helped a lot although technically I'm still overweight. However, I did it mostly because I felt crappy. It's no fun waking up every morning hurting so bad that it takes three or more naproxin to get moving. Also I had to have knee replacement surgery and docs don't like to do that kind of surgery on people who are 200lbs plus overweight. In addition, no matter how you cut it, being overweight leads to diabetes. Family members have/had this. It's not fun. So when someone suggests you lose weight, someone who cares about you, it's not necessarily bad. Having said that, it's too bad that people can't accept others. Some people are never going to be slim. I'm one of them. I've accepted that. I go to the gym on a regular basis, I'm active, I'm healthy. In addition, I really think that clothing should fit properly. That's my opinion. I don't find it attractive when anyone wears very tight clothing. I'm probably a lot older than most of your readers. I'm 65 and have lived with being called "fat and ugly" for years. Life is a lot better since I lost 100lbs. I'm still fat, but people no longer look at me with disgust. It's sad but true.

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  30. Occasional reader, first-time poster; pls forgive anonymity (not being a regular, I don't think I've earned the right to speak -- doubly so as I'm gonna topic-shift a bit, which is rude enuf, but even more so for a stranger).
    One of the most blatant indicators of how far we still are from gender equity is the relative freedom from looksism that men enjoy.
    The image of the fat &/or old &/or unattractive man who's with a [by conventional terms] hottie woman is totally cliched, a standard teevee trope -- but an accepted one because there are so many real-life examples of it.
    The usual interpretation of it (& the usual reality behind it) is that he's wealthy, usually greatly so. But not always -- there are cases in which he's got other attractive qualities that are understood to compensate for his deficit in looks: power, brilliance, hillarity are all accepted as understandable replacements.
    The day that women are granted the same leeway and license is the day we approach societal equity, and not before -- no matter how many cents-on-the-male-dollar women's paychecks might attain.

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  31. Oh Heidi, you speak to my own heart. I think even the most societally-acceptably "beautiful" amongst us has times where they feel this way, or at least that's what I'm told. So much to say, but Pink says it best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD1Hw9k&list=UUXJDX1KK6t121Z9FLhu5o2A&index=20&feature=plcp (NSFW)!

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  32. Hi, I found this blog through a friend of mine after I linked one of my self-acceptance posts to her - she linked you to me. Love this post. So empowering. As a fat woman, I have felt and heard all you say here. Enough is enough. Beauty isn't conventionally-based, never has been, never will be. Awesome.

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