Friday, August 31, 2012

Things That Have Been Happening

Some severe, severe depression.  Suicidal, the whole nine yards.  Again.  And I hate it because when the depression returns I blame myself.  Like, it's my fault the meds stopped working.  It's my fault my brain doesn't cooperate.  But I held on and saw my psychiatrist.

We changed up my meds a bit.  Doubled my Cymbalta (antidepressant) to the max dose.  Kept my Busipar (antianxiety), Seroquel (mood stabilizer), and Lamactil (mood stabilizer) the same.  The pain doctor and I are playing around a bit with my nerve blocker in order to see if it's doing a damn thing.

But the biggest change?  We added Wellbutrin (antidepressant) because, since it's a stimulant, the doctor was hoping it could help my motivation, energy, and socialization in addition to helping my mood.  Plus it's also used to help with eating disorders.  And it actually seems to be working!  Like, a lot! I went out and socialized and, for the first time ever ever ever, I felt no fear beforehand.  None!  And I went to a cookout with people I didn't know that well and had a great time! And I hung out with friends I'd been canceling on since January! In a few days my dosage will increase and, hopefully, it only improves!

I got called an “infidel” in group therapy!  That was exciting. Which came about because, when the therapist stepped out, two of the members got into a conversation about the glory of God and the fate of those who aren't converted and I said, “Hey, I'm an Atheist, could you please not talk about me being evil and going to hell!?”  Yikes.  It was hilarious.  They were telling me, “Oh no, not YOU, we don't mean YOU!  YOU'RE kind and sweet!”  Unlike the other Atheists who are all gonna fry?

Said therapy group is coming to an end in three weeks.  I asked if I could please be part of the next group since my depression had caused me to miss so many sessions.  Nope.  Alrighty.  I think I'm going to talk to her again and try to convince her. DBT helped a lot...I'm going to have to find some books and work on it on my own I guess.  Thanks to a gift card I was able to buy Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance.  (Thank you SO much to those of you who use the link to your left to make your Amazon purchases.  The gift cards I get in commissions, while not totaling much, allow me to buy vitamins, cleaning supplies, etc.  And now this!  Which I'm super excited about!)

Mel mentioned going to the chiropractor and how much she loves him.  I decided, hey, what the hell, and called to see if they accept my coverage, not expecting them to.  Shockingly, they do!  I have to pay for the initial appointment and xrays (around $200) but they're letting me put down $25 and pay monthly.  The finance admin I spoke with actually said, “We don't want you to not be helped simply because of money.”  What the hell kind of Commie bullshit is this!?  Only the adjustments are covered so I won't be partaking in any of the other services they offer but it's something.  I go in a week.  I'm nervous but I'm super interested in seeing if it helps at all.

I got back in touch with a few formerly close friends.  There are so many people I've found myself suddenly missing and it's felt really nice touching base with them.  I'm guessing the Wellbutrin has something to do with that.

I also shaved off some of my hair.  And added some yellow so it's kind of accidentally gone from FIRE to CREAMSICLE!

If I flip it the other way, you can't tell it's shaved at all.  I've been wanting to do it for ages.

I've attended very few Wasted Wednesdays.  It was becoming harder for me emotionally because (in addition to the general depression and anxiety I was dealing with at the time) school's back in session so the bar is slammed and walking into crowds...isn't my best skill.  But, as I said, the Wellbutrin is helping immensely and I intentionally go early before it gets busy.  Because I'm okay with crowds forming around me...just not with entering them.  It's a weird distinction, I know.

But! I had to attend when Wasted Wednesday met Shark Week.  Wasted Shark Week Wednesday!!  Carter and I are amazing.  Please note my bow.

I've titled this one: When Insanity Meets Boredom

This is the sadness resulting from fins going limp.

There was a Hurricane Party where we, of course, drank Hurricanes.

(Sweet lord, my roots are horrific!)  Please note the cloud barrette and necklace.  I believe in thematic accessories ALWAAAAAAYS!

When my DBT group ends I'm going to try to see my therapist twice a week.  I also need to do more with my therapeutic writing.  I haven't done much but the little I've done has really helped a lot. I need to push myself harder.

I made a list of Who I Want to Be/What I Want to Be Doing by 12/31/12.  Stuff like biking 30 minutes a day, doing physical therapy daily, be working on eating mindfully, therapy at least once a week, see friends once a week, only own clothes I love, have a home acceptable for pop-ins, have asked for oral sex with no embarrassment or guilt, have tried yoga, learned something new, be blogging two to three times a week, etc.  It's about a page and a half long but seems do-able.  I need to work on a plan for implementation.  Baby steps so I don't get overwhelmed, panic, and quit.  Which is my MO, really.

So, yes, there's an update!

Books Read in July and August
The Tender Bar: A Memoir by JR Moehringer
Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
Bunnicula by Deborah Howe
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
John Dies at the End by David Wong
Ready Player One by Ernest Cline
The Wee Free Men (Tiffany Aching 1) by Terry Pratchett
Hat Full of Sky (Tiffany Aching 2) by Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith (Tiffany Aching 3) by Terry Pratchett
I Shall Wear Midnight (Tiffany Aching 4) by Terry Pratchett
The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle
Something Wicked this Way Comes by Ray Bradbury
Encyclopedia Brown 1 – 10 (I still remember the solutions 25 years later.  Uh, not that they're exactly difficult to suss out...)
The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

TV Discovered in July and August
Would I Lie to You?
Green Wing
Mission Hill
My name is Earl (I caught a couple of episodes in the psych ward and was neutral but watched it from the beginning and was shocked at how much I loved it.)
The Inbetweeners
The Cleveland Show
Father of the Pride

Movies Discovered in July and August
21 Jump Street (I skipped through most of it and it was still 40 minutes of “Dear god, when is this ending?”)


  1. I hope the new pills are working for you. You certainly have been busy....I love the color(s) of your hair. I can't say I am crazy about the shaved look...I don't get it....but you are always so adorable with your little smile and the colors of your hair...You can carry the look.

    1. Thank you! You're so sweet. And, yes, the shaved part is kind of love it or hate it thing. But it's fun so I'm sticking with it for now!

  2. Glad you're feeling more perky...and the shark fin with the bow is awesome.

    1. Thank you! I have to admit I was super excited to wear it!

  3. very very impressed by how pro-active you are in trying to feel better. I know from experience how hard it can be to even get out of bed when you feel like this.

    i'm a recovering alcoholic so i'm saying this from that perspective, but it's good if you don't drink too much at Wasted Wednesdays because alcohol is a depressant. Sorry if I sound like a grandma ;)

    1. You're totally allowed to grandma me! I need it sometimes. I made the decision to stick to one drink on WW because my medications are now making drunkeness a weird experience. So, yes, totally cutting back and keeping things a little saner than they look! <3

    2. You're a smart woman :) Going along is a great idea because it looks so much fun and friendly, and hell, if other people are a little drunk then it's easier to chat to them (well, it would be for me, i have social phobia).

      I identify a lot with what you go through, but I have family support and even then i find it hard. Massive props to you for moving, making friends, everything. Just remember, please, in the hard times, you are a strong and resilient woman! :)

      if you still have an LJ, I post there and would love to add you as a friend, if you'd like to read. I've been reading you for years so I feel it's only fair ;)

    3. Yes! Social phobic here too! I definitely know what you mean. It's always entertaining to watch friends get drunk and rowdy.

      Thank you, that means the world to me. Oh, absolutely! If you're not comfortable posting it here, you can email it to me at thesugarmonster on gmail.


  4. Hey Heidi,

    You don't know me, but I have an item for you if you want it, for a present. If it isn't too creepy a present from a stranger!

    Do you want a size 2 open box but unused Diva Cup? Suddenly, thanks to a pcos related health disaster, I have no need of girlish supplies any longer. I bought it by mail, and it came while I was away, and bla bla bla too late for returncakes.

    I did open the box to check it out, and for a friend to decide if she might want it, but it hasn't been up any wahoos, and it is boilable silicone for safety.

    1. No no no, I appreciate you thinking of me! Unfortunately, because of back issues and body, I wouldn't be able to use it. Which is sad because I think it'd be awesome!

      I hope you find it a good home!! xox

  5. Sorry to back-track... I just read your "Ugly Fat Bitch" post. LOVE THIS!
    Anywho, I just wanted to pass along another blog: Moving Toward the Ugly: A Politic Beyond Desirability.

    In solidarity,

    1. Thank you so much! For your kind words and this link! I'm SOOOO excited to read it!! <3 <3 <3

  6. I freakin love your hair!