Thursday, September 5, 2013

Bang

I want to shoot a gun.

When I was young, my dad had a gun for work and I’d watch him clean and oil it.  He let me hold it once it was unloaded.  I wanted to go to a gun range and learn to shoot.  And, for some reason, that desire stuck with me,  I wanted to hold a gun, feel the weight, and find out what it was like to fire it. 

His suicide changed that.

The gun culture is so different here vs Los Angeles.  I don't know anyone back home who has a gun for protection or any other reason, really.  But here, they're a part of life.

I didn’t even realize how my view of guns changed until a friend got herself one.  I asked if I could hold it and as soon as my hand touched it I panicked and this wave of terror just washed over me.  I pushed it back saying, “I can’t! I can’t!”  I was embarrassed to have that reaction, as understandable as it is.

I’m afraid of a lot of things and I hate that shit.  Fear runs my life - though less so since moving here - and that’s no way to live.  So I force myself to go sleeveless and I ask for what I want in bed  and I throw my naked fat body out into the internet void.  I try so hard to face the things that terrify me because I have lost so fucking much by existing in fear.  Running from anything that made me afraid. I’ve missed so many opportunities and put up with so much that I shouldn’t have because I’m so afraid of failure.  And success.  Interesting dichotomy, isn’t it?

So I want to shoot a gun.  I don’t know if/how I’m going to react when I hear the noise and smell the gun powder.  It’s probably a huge likelihood that it will be difficult to even hold it, much less fire it.  But I want to try.  I want to face that one fear and move past it. 

You know why?  Because fuck fear, that’s why.

10 comments:

  1. I recently went to the range for the first time and it is very educational. I still have no desire to own one personally though. A gun is a tool, but so is a two-story crane- I don't need either one at my house. :-)

    Just make sure you have a good instructor. My instructor is a good friend of mine I've known for years who is a big 2nd Amendment advocate and gun safety expert, former military too. No kidding- don't just let a friend take you out there to shoot. Make sure they have some qualifications.

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    1. Thank you for this! I'm definitely going to go slow and bring friends to help me feel safe.

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  2. Girl, fuck fear and be brave and proud, but from experience, go slow with this one. It is a perfectly reasonable fear you've developed on this one, and the fact is guns can be dangerous, so if you want to conquer this one, go ahead but move really slow. Maybe start just being around when someone else shoots the gun, or even just go back to the beginning and hang out with your friend while she cleans hers and such. See what happens, then move on to actually trying to handle one yourself. Panicing at the wrong time can be a lot worse with this than with some other things, you know? *hugs*

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    1. Thank you so much for this. I'm definitely bringing a couple of friends with me to keep me calm and to feel safe.

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  3. A good way to try shooting is to find a local gun range. here in my community, our army/navy store has one. For a very low fee you can rent a gun, and buy the ammo. That way, if you like it...shoot away! if not, you're not out alot of money. Take someone with you for support....someone you trust and you're perfectly right FUCK FEAR!!!!!

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    1. I'm definitely taking a couple of friends with me to keep me calm and to be there in case I breakdown.

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  4. i recently got my PAL (Possession and Acquisition License) here in Canada and bought my first gun. They're totally not as scary as you might think. I think once you do it your fear will abate somewhat.

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    1. I bet you're right! I'm looking forward to kicking this fear in the ass!

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  5. I think it is a huge effort to fight your fear of guns especially with the background you have had with hearing the sounds and smelling the gunpowder. Perhaps something to discuss with your therapist first? Whatever the choice, it's a big step in trying to overcome some of your past fears.

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    1. I'm going to take a couple of friends with me so if I freak out, I'll have people there to calm me down. That's a good idea about my therapist, I'll definitely do that!

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