I talk a lot about feeling powerful when I work out because that’s what I choose to focus on. This isn’t about changing or hating or wanting to get rid of my body. It’s about creating a healthy relationship between my body and my brain. Reconnecting and doing things my body wants and needs. Ive been disassociated from my body for a very long time. God, such a long time seeing it as ugly and grotesque; self loathing and trauma turned me into two separate beings. Me into Us. I sliced the line between mind and body - deciding my body represented weakness and loss of control in the midst of pure and constant chaos.
But not now. Not anymore.
I look at my legs while on the bike and I think about all they’ve done for me. Carrying me the best they could…even with an additional 200 pounds depending on them. I sit on the bike, my thighs sore but still wanting to push anyway. I think about how strong and capable I feel, doing these things I didn’t think possible. These legs, right here, can kick some serious ass.
I need to clear something up. When I talk about pushing myself more and feeling pain and all that, I’m not in pain while in the moment. I don’t push myself through any bad-pain. My sore arms and thighs actually feel pretty awesome. The only real pain I’ve felt has been in my ankles after the one and a half mile walk. And even that pain didn’t make itself known until the next morning.
For the next month I’m going to focus on stamina and bike for long periods at a low resistance. I’m also going to do shorter walks and allow my body to adjust before going to the next step. And not allow my fucked up tape tell me I’m failing because I’m “only” walking a half mile. I need to be more realistic and do this in a way that avoids injury, avoids pain, avoids burn out. I need to remember that even biking one mile is a fucking accomplishment. Even walking one lap is massive and incredible and something to feel pride in.