Mama's doing well! Her cancer isn't spreading so that's a very good thing. I have to buy a bunch of word search and jumble books to send her way to help ease her boredom.
So... I...I think I'm going to go back to school in the spring. For real. Like, for really real. I'm going to start with a couple of online classes which will help ease me back into school without having to worry about social anxiety, pain, physical limitations, etc. I ordered my transcripts and will have an application in my hands soon. Then I'm going to take my paperwork and head to the local community college to talk to someone about admission and financial aid. I filled out my FAFSA. I was shaking the entire time. I want this so badly but I’m so scared. Scared I’m not smart enough. Scared my fucked memory – destroyed by the psych meds – will make this impossible. Scared I’ll fail. Scared that the one thing I’ve wanted my entire life won’t happen because I’m just not capable or good enough. But I did it anyway. Because if I fail, I fail. But I will not let fear stop me. Not anymore. Rawr!!
Dating has been pretty much a fail since moving to the south. I've only been on...hmmm...like, three or four since October. Part of me is fine with it since, in the past, I've used dating as a way to distract myself from my life and the shit I actually needed to deal with. I have great friends and kink play partners and sex partners so, really, my needs are being met without dating. But I miss having someone to be in love with, you know? I definitely don't feel that overwhelming loneliness and neediness that used to define my life once upon a time. It's more of an “aww, that would be nice...” kind of thing. Oh well. I don't feel consumed by the need to be out there in the dating world so I guess I'll just consider the few dates I have to be entertaining little sojourns into a world I don't really live in these days. I think I'm actually okay with that!
Amanda and I have decided to start a two-woman book club of crap. The rules: one of us buys a book for no more than $3. It has to look like utter shite. She reads it, leaves comments and reactions in the margins (and on Post Its if it's especially amazing), and passes it on to the other to enjoy. Magic.