Saturday, July 23, 2011

School...OH GOD!

Mama's doing well! Her cancer isn't spreading so that's a very good thing. I have to buy a bunch of word search and jumble books to send her way to help ease her boredom.

So... I...I think I'm going to go back to school in the spring. For real. Like, for really real. I'm going to start with a couple of online classes which will help ease me back into school without having to worry about social anxiety, pain, physical limitations, etc. I ordered my transcripts and will have an application in my hands soon. Then I'm going to take my paperwork and head to the local community college to talk to someone about admission and financial aid. I filled out my FAFSA. I was shaking the entire time. I want this so badly but I’m so scared. Scared I’m not smart enough. Scared my fucked memory – destroyed by the psych meds – will make this impossible. Scared I’ll fail. Scared that the one thing I’ve wanted my entire life won’t happen because I’m just not capable or good enough. But I did it anyway. Because if I fail, I fail. But I will not let fear stop me. Not anymore. Rawr!!

Dating has been pretty much a fail since moving to the south. I've only been, three or four since October. Part of me is fine with it since, in the past, I've used dating as a way to distract myself from my life and the shit I actually needed to deal with. I have great friends and kink play partners and sex partners so, really, my needs are being met without dating. But I miss having someone to be in love with, you know? I definitely don't feel that overwhelming loneliness and neediness that used to define my life once upon a time. It's more of an “aww, that would be nice...” kind of thing. Oh well. I don't feel consumed by the need to be out there in the dating world so I guess I'll just consider the few dates I have to be entertaining little sojourns into a world I don't really live in these days. I think I'm actually okay with that!

Amanda and I have decided to start a two-woman book club of crap. The rules: one of us buys a book for no more than $3. It has to look like utter shite. She reads it, leaves comments and reactions in the margins (and on Post Its if it's especially amazing), and passes it on to the other to enjoy. Magic.


  1. going back to school last year was the single greatest thing i've ever done for my mental health and while this year has been bad and i had to take a break i know when i go back it'll be fantastic again. i had such a fucked up school experience in my teens because of my health and never finished high school but i still got into uni! it's a learning curve and takes adjustment but last year was probably the happiest year of my life. i am SO proud of you and i hope you find the same joy i do by going there and showing yourself (and the world) that you can kick ass and be an excellent student! if you want any tips or anything let me know

  2. Way to go!! I went back to school last fall, and am also taking online classes.

  3. That's good news about your mother, I'm glad that she is hanging in there. I'm sure she delights in hearing all about your many adventures. And good luck to you on trying some college classes. I know you will go very well. As for the rest of it; it all falls into place at the right time.

  4. huh, confused by all the category labels here. I don't understand why you can't fall in love with a friend, a kink play partner or a sex partner. This may be because I've never done the whole 'dating scene' thing; I've always stuck to forming relationships by making friends with people I like first.

  5. heidi, i have a horrible memory too but i've always been good at school. i'm excited and happy for you that you're not letting these maybes stand in your way. ♥