Friday, July 22, 2011

Real Content!

I saw my pain specialist! He's optimistic about the improvements in my back pain. And the physical therapy and cardio are helping my fibromyalgia pain to improve. I'm a million times better than I was six months ago. I had a few weeks of wallowing recently because the pain is still there. As much as it's improved and no matter how hard I try it's still there. And the realization that it probably always will be is a hard one to accept. So I wallowed for a few weeks but it's time to move on. I told him I was fine without any drugs (except the nerve blockers I've been on for several months now that seem to be helping) and that we'd see where my pain was in October. I figure three more months of physical therapy and exercise and we can reassess then.

You know, I just realized I haven't been prescribed Vicodin in seven months. Huh. I tried a new pain med out for about two weeks but decided that since it only got me stoned out of my gourd yet did nothing for my pain that I had no interest in continuing it. Because, seriously, I need pain killers that kill my pain...not ones that get me high as fuck. But aside from that test, no pain killers. Who knew I was capable of that!

Speaking of my meds, a lot of you fellow depressed folk like knowing what I'm on and how it's working so here's the current cocktail!

Cymbalta – anti-depressant that also helps with fibromyalgia
Geodon – mood stabilizer
Busipar – anti-anxiety
Ambien – sleeping is good!

Apparently the many more drugs I was on before had weight gain and sexual side effects and my current ones don't. So I'm not hungry 24/7 anymore! And my sex drive is somewhat normal! A little lessened but not dead so that's a win. I'm still struggling with anxiety issues so I don't know that the Busipar is working really. But they're not crippling so I can survive it. I see my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks but beside needing a higher dose of Ambien and possibly something different for anxiety...I'm really happy with my psych meds. They're working well.

I know a lot of it is situational as well. Making the decision to move here was the most insane thing I've ever done out of desperation but, it turns out, it was also the best thing I ever did. Sometimes you really need to shake your life up in order to make changes. Hopefully this helps me be less afraid in the future. Fear kept me so stagnant for my entire life. But I did the scariest thing I could think of and it turned out to be the best decision I could have made. Maybe that'll help me be braver in the future.

Sarra is visiting me in less than two weeks! I'm hella excited to see her and have adventures.

Things are going great with The Fat Nutritionist! She's changing the way I view and relate to food and it's just mind-blowing.

Things are just really going well. I think I need to work on a list of stuff to accomplish by the end of the year and another list for things to tackle in 2012. I feel optimistic and hopeful and physically and emotionally capable of creating a new life. These things don't feel like impossibilities anymore. It's not like they'll be easy but a year ago I was trying to figure out how to kill myself while causing as little difficulty as I could...anything beyond just surviving seemed beyond my grasp.

Thank you so much for telling me I could do it – so many of you leaving kind words and advice is a huge reason why I was able to keep on surviving even when all I wanted to do was die. I only survived the last few years of depression because of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


  1. It's wonderful to read your blogs full of fun and adventure and optimism for the future. I'm glad you took a chance and moved from California. Look how your life has improved so far.

  2. Love you, Heidi. I'm so glad to hear about all the positive changes!!

  3. this is such a great thing to read. i know your pain has been a huge obstacle for you and i'm so glad that it seems to be doing better. much love! ♥

  4. I miss you, pretty girl. We shall have to try to get together soon. Have you come up for a couple weeks before you start back to school (squeeful)