Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Understatement

My mom has been officially diagnosed as terminal. There was no length of time given but I don’t know if she asked. I have to talk to her doctors. And she doesn’t want to do chemo.


Do you remember the man I was dating? Back in January and February? We spent every single night together? And how he disappeared? How everything was amazing and he just disappeared?

I knew. I did. I knew as soon as he disappeared. I just knew. The first day I didn’t hear from him I knew. Like a fucking rock in the pit of my stomach. But I didn’t say anything. I tried to convince myself I was just paranoid. That he just turned out to be another dude who ditched me because he didn’t have the guts to actually end things. But I knew that wasn’t true. I was hoping so badly that I was wrong. But I was right. Fuck, I was right. I got confirmation.

He disappeared because he killed himself.


I’m still in shock and kind of just…numb. Today has been a bad day.

23 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. About all of this. I am sending you a mental hug, if you'd like one.

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  2. ... Heidi, I read every post bt never say anything because I know you have no clue who I am. But I just want to extend my biggest hugs and every sympathy. To your mom, to the man you dated, to you, to everyone affected by this.

    I wish I had something to say to make it better.

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  3. Holy fucking holy shit. I'm so sorry.

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  4. Oh, Heidi, I'm so sorry. :(
    Maple-flavoured Canadian hugs coming your way. <3

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  5. Oh my god Heidi, I am so SO SO sorry!! Sending as much good karma your way as I can. *HUG*

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  6. Oh my God, I am just so so sorry. Not sure what I can do, but I'm in Orange County if you need anything....

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  7. Oh god, Heidi. It fucking pours for you, doesn't it? I'm so sorry, on both counts.

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  8. OMG Heidi!!!!!!!!!! Just know I am thinking of you.

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  9. OMFG. I'm so sorry, Heidi - :( (((((((((((((((((HUGS X INFINITY))))))))))))))))))

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  10. Oh Heidi. I've been reading but haven't commented in a long time...but I had to delurk when I read this.

    I'm so sorry. "Bad day" is an understatement indeed :( I really wish I could help.

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  11. Dude, Heidi, holy shit. I am so sorry, you have had a bad day. I am so, so sorry to hear about your mama. I am also so sorry to hear about your ex. I know there are no words to fix everything, but please be good to yourself. *hug*

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  12. :( :(

    I read here a lot but I rarely comment because there are no words.

    *massive warm hugs*

    Maybe this isn't very comfrting to you, but reading this makes me more determined to not commit suicide. I can't bear the thought that some people would have to wait months to hear that I'm gone.

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  13. Oh fucking hell, I'm so sorry about everything. I always feel useless because there's nothing I can do or say to help. I love you xxx

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  14. Thank you so much. All of your kindness and love really do help. Even though I never reply to comments, I read and cherish every single one.

    Deniselle - That is comforting to me. And I feel the same. The pain and guilt and confusion are just SO horrific... I don't think I could ever inflict this on the people in my life.

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  15. Just another bad thing to hit you......I am sorry about all the bad news. It isn't fair, for sure. I do hope that moving on will bring some sunshine and light to your dark world where you have been.

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  16. Heidi, I am so sorry. I can't imagine what it must be like to go through all of this. You are probably the strongest person in the world, estimating conservatively. I kid, but it's not funny, and I'm so sorry for all the pain.

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  17. Heidi,

    I have to comment again... I don't know why... I don't even know you really...But, I love you! Please be OK and please don't let any of this make you lose your determination to make life better for yourself.

    Jela

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  18. I'm so sorry to hear about the endless litany of bad news you've been getting. But remember, your life is about to change completely. You'll be leaving CA for the South and a whole new Heidi. Oddly enough, when I left the South for CA, I had just gone through an acrimonious divorce, a couple of bad rebound dumpings, some suicide attempts, and of course the loss of my house to Hurricane Katrina. It felt *amazing* to leave all that badness behind. You gonna be free soon, girl. And as sad as it is, so will your Mom. Your love for each other will never die.

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  19. Oh Heidi, I'm so sorry. I'm really pulling for you. Take care.

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  20. Praying for you and him. Bless your heart.

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  21. Oh my gosh, Heidi -- I'm so sorry. So sorry about your mom, and everything. I think of you all the time, and am always so inspired by your determination and your strength. Please know that even those of us who aren't in contact with you all the time are just...carrying you around in our hearts and souls. I hope this move is exactly the right thing to get wonderful new energy into your life -- energy that's joyous and affirming. xoxox

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