Thursday, January 28, 2010



My camera case.

Pam has offered to come down from Oakland for a few days to help me clean, sort, and pack. And to go look at rooms and studios. It’s hard for me to accept help but I think I’ll take her up on it a little down the line. But not right now. Right now I’d have a panic attack if anyone tried to get in.

And Ashley has offered up her couch if I decide to move to Portland. There is something so incredibly comforting in knowing that I will always have a place to sleep. Even if everything else in my life falls apart, I have friends who will take me in. God, that’s an amazing realization.

I’m really hoping I can find a studio. I’d rather have my own place plus the phone sex operator thing. I don’t think that’s something I can really do if I have roommates.

Went to see my doctor this morning. Nothing new to report. So I’ll just repeat that he’s fucking adorable and compassionate and wonderful.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I haven’t seen him since before the holidays so there was a lot to catch up on. After I told him what was happening, he slammed down my file and shouted, “God damn it! You just can’t catch a break!” Heh. He helped calm me down and focus a bit.

My biggest struggle is not staying paralyzed. Which is how I react to being overwhelmed - I panic and freeze. Like a deer in headlights. Which just increases my stress levels. I need to think less and act more.


  1. Pam and I talked about that trip to LA; I'm down, too.

  2. Sweetie, take your friends up on their offers to help....they know you, they've seen your naked pictures...There is a show called the Hoarders on Tv...we know what it looks like. Let them help you move will get past the embarassment when you seen the clutter is gone. Look for the studio will give you a goal. You can do this....and I bet your Mother will be so proud of you for doing something that she wasn't able to do herself.

  3. something as simple as making one of your lists is action as well as taking control.

    why not try that? it is a very positive first step.

  4. Sometimes you have to take a deep breath and do the scary thing because the only things holding you back are shame and fear. You know your friends love you, you know you are stifled by the clutter, and they know who you are -- your heart and your mind and your wit. Trust them with your fear and FUCK SHAME.

  5. Where are you moving? Or are you staying in LA?