Friday, January 29, 2010


Sometimes people are so nice to me that I think my heart is going to burst.

Ashley grabbed me, wrestled me to the ground, and forced me to accept her offer of flying me back up to Portland for Valentine’s Day! And Pam is going to be there! And and and we’re going to see Storm Large! I’m so fucking ecstatic that I want to just werwerqerrrurrrehrhgerhyiendv893rh8q3rbiqevb!!!! Too excited! Can’t type! Exclamation points!!!

My freshman high school English teacher wants me to move in with her and her husband. We used to be super close. I babysat her kids when I was a teenager and we’ve had dinner several times since I graduated. It’s been months though. Since before my dad died. She emailed me and wanted to know what was up; she was worried about me. So I told her.

And she replied saying that she and her husband want me to stay with them until they can help me find a place.

She ended the email saying, “Please, Heidi. Please let us help you.”

I don’t know how. I don’t know how to let people give so much of themselves to me. Because I really don’t think I deserve it. But I know I have to let them. I have to learn to accept help and kindness when people offer it. Especially when I need it as much as I need it right now.

I’m so fucking blessed that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.


  1. You deserve those blessings :-)

  2. O hai GUESS WHOS GONNA COME SEE YOU IN PORTLAND AGAIN?!??! Oh yeah its ME. Are you gonna be in the night of the 13th? Zombie Valentines Ball in Portland, we should go! I will zombify you if you so wish ;)

  3. That is so awesome, all of the above. :)

  4. Storm Large >>>>>> Smoochknob

  5. Oh, Heidi, I'm breathless with happiness for you! What great news!

  6. Someone once said to me something I've never forgotten and that has helped me stop thinking of accepting help as "being a charity case." What they said was: Don't stand in the way of someone else's blessing.

    What that means for me is when you deny someone the opportunity to open their heart to you, when you shut down their desire to be open and generous, then you stop them from receiving whatever blessing is coming their way.

    So now when someone asks to help me, I think of it as helping them right back. We're all givers and receivers -- just sometimes we don't give and receive in the same currency.

    Also - rock on w/ the VDay plans!

  7. Well said, Kelly. There is no such thing as a selfless act. It makes me happy to give Heidi a break from her bullshit.

  8. Kelly, you're right. You're absolutely right. I know how much it just destroys me when people I love won't accept whatever little bit of help I can offer when they're in need.

  9. You deserve it, really. You know why? Because you're a human being. And that's all you have to be to deserve people's love.