Monday, February 9, 2015

I saw my therapist for the first time since October, as she’s been on maternity leave.

“So, tell me what’s been going on!”

“Um.  I met a guy, fell in love, got engaged, and am moving to Colorado!”

I’m honestly shocked at how supportive she was.  I was so worried I’d have to defend my choices and decisions; that I’d have to try to convince her I knew what I was doing and that this connection was unexpected but so incredibly real.  But I didn’t have to do any of that.  She was so excited she shrieked and clapped!

She’s seen so much growth in me over the last few years that she trusts me and trusts that I’m doing what’s right for me.  She believes I’m capable of a healthy relationship, that I’m capable of giving 100% to a relationship but still holding on to myself.

We’ve talked about my fears.  Because I am afraid.  As positive as I am that this is real and right and the best decision I could possibly make, I’m afraid.  I’m not afraid that I’m doing the wrong thing; I’m afraid of fucking this up.  That I’m not as healthy as she thinks I’ve become, that I’m still incapable of a good relationship, that I’m going to hurt him, that I’m going to be his biggest mistake.  And, god, he deserves the best.  I’m just worried I can’t give him  that.  But I’m going to try.  I’m going to try to be the amazing person he deserves.

This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.  We communicate, we discuss, we share.  When we’re upset, we say something.  I don’t hide my feelings from him or stay silent because I think he’ll stop loving me if I speak up.  And that’s an amazing feeling.  He makes me feel in a way I never thought was possible.

Gah, I’m so gross over him!

I have to admit, I have been struggling with the body image issue.  It’s been awhile since that’s been the case.  I mean, he worships and talks about my body in the most adorable way!  He shrieks, “Second belly!” and tickles my tummy rolls.  And he says things like, “I love your body!  But don’t gain weight, if you get over 140 I’m leaving you!  I don’t like fatties!”  It cracks me up every damn time.  It’s just my own bullshit insecurity rearing its ugly head.  And I need to work on that because feeling this way is unacceptable.  I can love my body as much as he does.  I can and I will.

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