Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I haven’t been writing.  Not public, not private, not anything.  I don’t even really talk much in therapy these days.  Life is good right now but I don’t want to be complacent.  Life is good because I don’t push myself to deal with the parts that weren’t good for almost my entire life.  I get messages telling me I’ve bettered someone’s life, that I’ve helped someone understand.  When I don’t write I feel as if I’m letting people down but I also feel that I’m letting myself down.  It’s impossible for me to feel whole when I don’t write, even if it’s just summaries of adventures or hopes.  So.  Now that my move is completely over, I want to refocus on it.

Things I Want/Need to Write About

Mental Health / Depression / Suicidal Ideation
Mine and my parents’.

Childhood Abuse
Emotional, physical, and sexual.

Never Really Having a Childhood
Being parentified at a very early age and the way it’s impacted me in adulthood.

20 Years of Disordered Eating
Bulimia, anorexia, and binge-eating.

Self Love and Loathing

Body Shame
How my weight has changed and impacted me over the years.  How weight fluctuations still shape the way I see myself.

My Dad’s Suicide

David’s Suicide
My boyfriend killed himself.

Steven
My first boyfriend.

Brian (here)
My second boyfriend.

Allowing Myself to be Used Constantly / My Inability to Say No

Fear of…Everything

Fear and Avoidance of Anger
I turn it all inward.

Codependency
Please love me.

Abandonment Issues
Please don’t leave me.

Making Mistakes and the Inability to Forgive Myself

Well.  This should keep me busy!

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