Wednesday, February 27, 2013

No Pussy, No Kindness

I realized that my goal list wasn't doing anything for me. I tend to be a bit of a visual person who also requires constant reminding so, ta dah!



I love it. It makes me happy to look at and is constantly reminding me of what I'm working towards and where I want to be at the end of the year.

I had yet another unnecessarily cruel leading me on lying deciding two years later that he doesn't dig my body but says otherwise until we're a few days away from meeting bullshit debacle occur. It's amazing, really. I never had anyone be a dick to me in the dating world back home. (Aside from guys just disappearing after a date or two or the ones who were dicks once we'd started dating.) Yet, here, I get an entire handful of dudes who act like complete douchebags in exactly the same way. I mean, what the fuck, how is this even statistically possible!? My life has turned into Heidi: The Girl You Love in the Body You Hate. With a side of I Don't Want to Stick My Dick in You So It's No Longer Worth My Effort to Treat You with Human Decency. Ugh, done.

So, that + creating my goal wall + telling my therapist how I tend to obsess over taking care of and helping partners, to the point where it's severely detrimental to my entire life + deciding I do not want to go down that road yet again = my making the decision to not date for a year. I was talking in therapy about what I wanted most out of dating. I said that my ideal partner would be someone I could be mushy over. Someone I could adore and write love letters to. Someone whose birthday I could make spectacular. Someone whose dreams I could help make come true. Someone I could make feel loved and wanted and perfect. Someone I could love wholly and deeply and with no fear. And realized, wait...I don't give that shit to myself! I've decided that's unacceptable.

My OKCupid ad is down and there's no one for whom I have fluttery romantical feelings. I've been too afraid to do this in the past because I felt that if I had a ban on dating, what happens if someone amazing comes along and I miss out on it? But I'm not capable of a healthy relationship right now, even with someone amazing. And said hypothetical person would understand what I was doing if they really were amazing, you know?

I have a lot to work on and a lot to process. I just don't think I could do that with a partner. Not because of them but because of me and how I use dating to distract myself from the shit I should be focusing on. And then, very quickly, the way I feel about myself is dependent on their words and their actions. Like I said, this is not a road I want to go down again.

I'm trying to do things differently this time around. Slowly but surely, man.

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