Monday, July 16, 2012

A (Temporary) Change

So, here's what's happening. I've been thinking about this for the last few weeks and have come to a decision.

I need a few/several months to seriously focus on my mental health. I'm going to try to use my writing to get deep into my past and my issues. I'm not quite sure how to do this but I know I need privacy. I don't hide anything from you. Nothing. Which leaves me raw and exposed and those are scary things for me to be right now. So I need to write behind closed doors. This isn't about caring what you think of me. This isn't about your judgment. Even if it's subconscious, I think I'd debate the words I use, the topics I choose, the pain I lay visible. I'm, like, 99% positive that I'll end up posting the private entries here once I'm on stronger emotional footing. So you'll still know me. Probably better than you did before. But I just need some time alone to get it out. To scream and cry and rant and rage. To tear everything down in hopes of being able to build it back up again.

That does not mean this site is going anywhere because it absolutely isn't!

I'll still be updating as often as I can! It just means entries will continue being a bit superficial and probably focus on cats being cute and pictures of the awesome people in my life. Maybe even some guest posts by the incredible friends I have whose words I'd love for you to read! Isn't that exciting!? Huh huh huh!? It totally is.

I have to admit, this is really hard for me. Because I know a lot of you get something out of how honest and open I am here. So that really breaks my heart; the idea that I won't be helping you feel less shamed about your pain and struggles and fears. The idea that I can't help you in some small way by writing here in a deeper way. But this is about survival. No, it's about more than that. This is about trying something new in hopes of it working better.

This is about doing everything in my fucking power to love myself and care for myself. This is about refocusing on therapy. This is about journaling until I can't see straight.

This is about ripping out every fucking bit of darkness and pain that lives in my chest and spewing it onto paper so I can dig through the black goo and find something inside me worth saving.

Thank you for understanding and you'd better appreciate those cat pictures!

xox

27 comments:

  1. Heidi, as much as we all think the world of you for how honest and open you are, I don't think anyone's going to think LESS of you for needing to keep some things private, even if just for now.

    There are some things that just need to be worked out in private before they can be shown to the world. I think we all understand that.

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    1. Thank you so incredibly much. <3

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  2. I remember when my last, best therapist turned to me and said "We can keep dealing with superficial surface stuff, or we can start working on the real issues." It helped me a lot. I hope this helps you too. <3

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    1. God, that's so true. And it's time! xoxo

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  3. You have to take care of you first my wee duck and I'm sure everyone who reads here will understand that xx

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  4. I don't think I've ever commented here although I've been reading since the LJ days, but your last blog post resonated with me strongly as a suicide survivor who knows what that razor thin edge between stable and not-stable looks and feels like day by agonizing day. Do not worry about being a good writer/blogger right now, and do not worry about giving us the authentic content we know and love you for. Your ONLY concern is being well and doing whatever it takes to move towards that goal, and I think you know that in this moment. So do whatever it takes, and don't apologize for it for a second. <3

    Rooting for you from Canada!

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    1. God, thank you so incredibly much for this. It means so much to me. xoxox

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  5. Heidi, I totally understand. I know, from my own experience, that just writing about my life and my mother and so on brought out a lot of pain (and my life wasn't nearly as complicated as what you have endured). I think writing your deepest darkest thoughts can be very healing for you. I encourage you to do just that. I also encourage you to share what you can with your therapist even if you just print off the pages. You are a wise and thoughtful woman and you have a gift of expressing so much of what we all feel. Being honest with yourself can't always be shared with others. Don't be afraid to go there, let it all out and I hope you find a window of light and hope tucked way back there in the darkness.

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    1. Thank you so very much for this. And, yes, you're right...I definitely will print the pages for my therapist. Thank you for your kindness. <3

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  6. As much as I love reading you, you need to focus on doing what is best for you...and if you need to work things out by yourself, go for it. And if you need someone to rally you on, we'll be here. *hugs*

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  7. Don't sweat it. You are not obliged to share, you don't owe your inner self to anyone, you are not a professional carer, you are not getting paid to make people feel better. You are not our parent, you are not responsible for anyone's pain (or any other feelings) except for your own. You are not required to share anything with anyone.

    That you attach so much self-worth to this totally unreal responsibility to be open for other people's sake may be a bad sign in itself. The best thing the therapist I very briefly went to taught me was that one needs to stop giving sometimes.

    I've done a lot of private writing since my abusive father died last year. It helped, it meant I could just feel whatever I was feeling without censoring it at all. I'm sure it will help you out too, especially because of this obligation you feel to share - it sounds like you're pinning your entire self-worth on the benefits that your words bring to others, instead of on your inherent worth as a person.

    (sorry if this posted multiple times, my browser is fucking up)

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    1. I struggle a lot with knowing I have inherent worth. It's a battle. And definitely one of the things I'm trying to focus on.

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  8. Sweetie, you do what you gotta do. We'll understand. And we'll still be here when you're done. Youu're sort of stuck with us. :D

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    1. You have no idea how happy and comforted that makes me!

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  9. The only person to whom you owe ANYTHING is yourself. You have to do what is best for your emotional and physical well-being.

    Also, working through some things privately probably will be good for you. It's about boundaries...about what is fair game for discussion and what's not. While your openness and honesty are what drew me to you in the first place, being open and honest does not mean that other people have the right to criticize your personal life. While I think that intellectually, you know that, I'm not sure your heart has caught up (this observation is based purely on your posts). Take care of yourself, however you need to, for as long as you need to.

    I love cat pictures. And pictures of fun things. Or book reviews. I hope you are able to get some clarity in your life, because you deserve that. You deserve to be happy.

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    1. This is so dead on accurate. I'm struggling to get my heart to catch up with my brain!

      Thank you so much for your kindness. <3

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  10. I'm glad to hear you will be taking a Heidi Time Out. Here's to healing and cat pictures! Love and hugs, girl!

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  11. Cat pictures are awesome.

    I read your blog because I am interested in the things you have to say. Of course I admire your honesty and your willingness to discuss uncomfortable issues, but really... you're just a pretty interesting person. When you talk about adventures you've gone on or something you're doing with friends, you are still interesting. I have no doubt that your stories about the cats (who are cute) and other assorted life happenings will be good reads.

    I wish you strength as you tackle this next journey. Add this to the list of seriously brave things you have done (which is a pretty long list already!). I hope you find a lot of healing in your writing!

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    1. This is so kind and wonderful of you! It means so much to me. Thank you. <3

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  12. I am totally a fan of doing what is necessary to maintain one's health. I'm not very good at it with myself, but I've gotten better with outside crap. (I feel like that non-Scientology Scientology book I got at school after shit went down, when they were all "the point of life is to survive, follow these rules!".)

    I got my winnings today, and I don't want to throw away the box for all of the awesome stickers/mailing label! Also, it's such a lovely shade of purple! I kind of want to put it on the shelf as art.

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    1. I definitely need to work on knowing it's good for me to take care of myself and focus on my mental/physical health.

      And YAY!!! That makes me s happy!! It is pretty damn gorgeous, I have to agree! <3 <3 <3

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  13. Hmmm....I totally agree that you need some space and privacy to heal. But as someone who has been thru therapy, I would like to offer some advice. I hope you won't mind. Healing is good and neccessary, and sometimes we must analyze and confront certain issues so we can get past them. But don't linger in the dark places too long. The only way to ultimately heal from the darkness is to step into the light. Do you see what I mean? Open the door, yes, but don't forget to close it behind you and then focus on your blessings. And your amazing writing talent. Let the wounds heal. Don't rip the scab open over and over again. I spent far too long doing that. Now I just want to be happy. I wish the same for you. I hope I'm making sense and I did not offend anyone. Be well.

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    1. Oh my god no no no, no offense taken at ALL. You are absolutely right. And that's absolutely where I'm hoping to go with this. To confront, deal, and move on. Because I'm tired of living in the darkness. And you're right, the light is right there...waiting for me.

      Thank you for your thoughts, they mean a lot to me. <3

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  14. Maybe I'm off-base, but just wanted to offer that maybe your relationship with your blog/blog readers is showing echos of the co-dependency you've mentioned in other relationships. You don't need write apologetically about setting boundaries. You're not even obligated to tell us explicitly that you're going to write some things not meant for public consumption -- I just assume that people have thoughts they want to process away from the intensity (and sometimes cruelty) of Ye Old Internet. I've found your writing to be moving, elucidating, and helpful. That doesn't mean that I'm entitled to every one of your private thoughts. Your honesty is so valuable, it's true. But your worth need not be measured by how vulnerable you can make yourself *all the time.*

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