Saturday, November 5, 2011

Posted by Heidi at 5:39 PM
She died.

When the gut-wrenching sobbing stops and I can breathe again, I'm going to go outside.

I'm going to sit on my back porch, look up at the stars, and tell her I love her. I'm going to cry to her and beg her forgiveness and give her mine. I'm going to make her promises and vows. I'm going to tell her that her life was worthy and meaningful.

For five minutes I'm going to believe in an afterlife.

For five minutes I'll let logic and reality crumble under a breaking heart.

For five minutes I'll be nothing but a little girl who needs her mommy.

For five minutes I'm going to believe she can hear me.

For five minutes we'll be together again.

And everything will be alright.
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57 comments:

  1. AnonymousNovember 5, 2011 at 5:53 PM

    My heart goes out to you. Do whatever you can to comfort and soothe yourself. I continue to be awed by your strength and courage, Heidi. You and your momma are in my thoughts.

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  2. AnonymousNovember 5, 2011 at 6:03 PM

    I'm so sorry Heidi!

    I'm also so glad that your mom's wishes were fulfilled and that she's free from pain. She will always be a part of you, she lives on through you and no matter what you do she will love you and be happy for you.

    *hugs*

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  3. AnonymousNovember 5, 2011 at 6:08 PM

    I hope you can feel the many thousand hearts that are holding you today. I hope it was as comfortable as possible for her. I hope you have a beautiful sunset to watch today. I hope you feel loved, because you are.

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  4. AvoryNovember 5, 2011 at 6:13 PM

    Love you, be well.

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  5. DuckyNovember 5, 2011 at 6:19 PM

    Oh, Heidi. I'm so sorry to hear the news but I'm glad your mom is not in pain anymore.

    I love you, girl. I wish I could give you a great big hug in person. But instead, I'll send you all my love.

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  6. AmyNovember 5, 2011 at 6:24 PM

    Oh, honey. Oh, my dear Heidi. So much love, so much love. I saw this post (via LJ) and my heart just plummeted to the ground (I was going to write "bottomed out", but that connoted a kinkiness to my heart that is not appropriate for this particular moment). I'm so glad you got to spend time with your mom at the end...it was the most beautiful thing you could have done, and she knows how much you love her, and how much we ALL loved her because of you. Hugs to the millionth.

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  7. AnonymousNovember 5, 2011 at 6:37 PM

    Heidi, I'm so sorry. Take the time for yourself and do exactly what you said you'd do. That's how I talk to my mother. Not at the cemetery, but out in nature. (((hugs))) She'll also be in your dreams. ♥

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  8. AnonymousNovember 5, 2011 at 6:59 PM

    i love you so much heidi. i am SO glad you got to see her and she could hear all about how incredible your life is now. i know she passed away knowing you have found your place in life and i know that would have helped her so much. there is no way she wouldn't be so proud of you and for what i believe she can absolutely hear you and will always be there looking what you are doing and feeling so proud you are doing better and will continue to flourish in life.

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  9. AnitaNovember 5, 2011 at 8:20 PM

    I love you, Heidi. Please contact me if you need anything at all.

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  10. JackieNovember 5, 2011 at 9:02 PM

    So sorry for your loss.

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  11. AnonymousNovember 5, 2011 at 10:17 PM

    I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself.

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  12. JennNovember 5, 2011 at 10:31 PM

    Oh Heidi... there aren't words for how sorry I am.

    I don't know what I believe about the universe and the whole spiritual thing, but I will say that I hope there is a heaven waiting for us, where we can see all those we love and miss again. I don't think it hurts to hold on to that hope, because we'll never know if we're wrong.

    Your mom was lucky to have an amazing person like you in her life. I hope that the coming days bring you peace and, when you are ready for it, all the joy in the world.

    (((hugs if they are wanted)))

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  13. AnonymousNovember 5, 2011 at 11:28 PM

    *hugs forever*

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  14. dykewifeNovember 6, 2011 at 12:19 AM

    you're in my thoughts and heart. i wish there was something i could say or do to help you feel even a micro-bit better, but i know from this far away i can offer nothing but words.

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  15. SoniaNovember 6, 2011 at 12:51 AM

    I'm so so sorry for your loss. I know nothing we say can make it hurt less, but do know that you're supported. <3

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  16. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 12:55 AM

    Oh Heidi. my heart breaks for you. No words suffice at times like this. Stay strong. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

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  17. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 1:20 AM

    My condolences. :[

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  18. PremeeNovember 6, 2011 at 1:21 AM

    Oh Heidi. I'm so sorry. Especially after everything that's happened in the past couple of years. Be well, take care of yourself, and say to the internet and to yourself as much as you want or as little as you want. Hugs + hugs + hugs.

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  19. GrypoNovember 6, 2011 at 1:25 AM

    So sorry for your loss hon. =(

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  20. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 1:42 AM

    Heidi, I'm so sorry. I think your way of mourning is beautiful; I hope it lightens your grief.

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  21. S.November 6, 2011 at 2:29 AM

    I am so glad that it is finally over, and you can grieve for real now. Half-grieving for someone you know is dying, but who is still kinda there is awful and impossible and gets you nowhere.

    There's never really time to work through all the things we need to with our parents before they are suddenly gone and we're left with this horrible, angry, sorrowful feeling that if we just had one more year, all our issues could have been resolved.

    You'll be okay. Your life won't implode, though I know you must be scared of that right now. You won't like it, and it won't be painless, but you WILL be okay.

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  22. NatalieNovember 6, 2011 at 2:43 AM

    I'm so sorry Heidi. I wish I could be there to hug you.

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  23. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 2:44 AM

    I'm so sorry to hear that. *Big hugs*

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  24. KristyNovember 6, 2011 at 3:37 AM

    Such love for you, Heidi. You are a bright, gorgeous, sharp-witted, talented young woman and your mom could not have a better legacy than that. You are incredible.

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  25. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 3:56 AM

    Heidi, I'm so sorry. Remember that your mother lives on in your memories of her and your experiences with her.

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  26. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 4:01 AM

    Oh Heidi.
    I am so sorry to hear this.
    *hugs*

    -Jennifer

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  27. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 6:31 AM

    Heidi, I'm so sorry. I am relieved that your mama is no longer in pain, and please remember you are never alone. We love you. xo

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  28. TerriNovember 6, 2011 at 8:13 AM

    Here's something that helped me when my mom died. Think of something that reminds you of her....like butterflies or a red cardinal or a dragonfly or a certain colored flower....then every time you see it ~ you can think of it as a sign from your mother that she is with you. It really does work...!

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  29. SarkaNovember 6, 2011 at 9:01 AM

    A beautiful tribute from a loving and beloved daughter. I'm sorry for your loss, and glad that your mother is no longer in pain.

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  30. withoutsceneNovember 6, 2011 at 10:01 AM

    Thinking of you, dear. Take care of you in whatever way you need to do and know that there are lots of us who are here to support you.

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  31. angelaNovember 6, 2011 at 10:07 AM

    she died knowing how much you love her. that's a beautiful gift. i'm so sorry for your loss but i know, i know, that you are loved and you will be OK.

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  32. Tilly TrotterNovember 6, 2011 at 10:07 AM

    I'm so sorry for you and your loss. Love and kisses from a reader across the sea x

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  33. JennyNovember 6, 2011 at 11:21 AM

    Thinking of you and your mom. I'm so sorry.

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  34. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 12:03 PM

    I'm a longtime reader but never commented before. I wanted to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this, although I know your mom is at peace and her love is shining down on you today and every day. She will be with you wherever you go. Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself, and grieve however you have to. You aren't alone. I'm wishing you peace during this difficult time.

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  35. theneNovember 6, 2011 at 12:23 PM

    Oh Heidi, I'm sorry.

    I've lost both my parents too. The best advice I ever received about it was to take things one day, one hour, at a time, to simply feel whatever I was feeling and not rush or repress anything. Whether it's anger or relief or anything, just go with it.

    The other thing someone told me is that a relationship can improve after death. Still not sure about that one. Anyway, take care of yourself.

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  36. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 2:38 PM

    I love you Heidi. I'm so sorry for your loss. <3

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  37. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 3:53 PM

    I'm so so sorry. Keep breathing....

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  38. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 5:31 PM

    I am so sorry Heidi.

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  39. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 6:42 PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It's wonderful that you were able to visit her when she was still here. She knew she was loved, and she knew that you were in a safe, secure place where you were getting the love, support, healing and education that you need. ((((hugs))))

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  40. AliceNovember 6, 2011 at 6:51 PM

    You're in my thoughts today and I will light a candle. Your mum died knowing that she had given birth to a wonderful daughter who has overcome many obstacles in her life to achieve some great things (and you've only just begun). That is a truly special gift you gave her. You have worked so hard on your recovery that i think it will enable you to grieve in a healthy way and seek the support you need (please do that). You've proven to yourself that you are a strong, powerful, amazing woman, who has the ability to get through this horribly painful thing. I sincerely wish you strength, and serenity, and acceptance, Heidi.

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  41. Reader from MaineNovember 6, 2011 at 10:00 PM

    Heidi -
    I am so sorry for the pain you're going through. You've made so many positive changes in your life this past year, and she had to have been proud of you to take these steps to make a better future for yourself. That also had to have given her a sense of peace when she had to leave, knowing that you were going to be ok. And you will be ok. It sounds like you've surrounded yourself with good people. Don't be afraid to lean on them. Peace to you.

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  42. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 11:24 PM

    I'm so very very sorry for your loss.

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  43. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 11:33 PM

    I'm so sorry Heidi. *hugs*

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  44. AnonymousNovember 7, 2011 at 5:17 AM

    you're never alone. we all love you so much. you'll get through this. xxx

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  45. LeilehNovember 7, 2011 at 5:52 AM

    Im so sorry to hea this news, i lost my mum to cancer when i was 12. A little girl will always need her mummy, it will be hard & you will cry alot but you have to take time to make yourself happy because she would want her little girl to be happy. It is okay to cry, to get angry, to yell scream and shout, it is okay to not face the world somedays but above all else, she is at peace now, she is no longer feeling pain. Xx.

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  46. Hel GibbonsNovember 7, 2011 at 7:49 AM

    So sorry, Heidi. Look after yourself xxx

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  47. Jessie MaeNovember 7, 2011 at 10:28 AM

    I'm so sorry.

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  48. AnonymousNovember 7, 2011 at 12:57 PM

    Heidi,
    I am so very sorry to hear the news. My heart aches for you and the pain you are going through. But please, go through it, through it, through it. Then come out the other side like a mother fucking phoenix!

    Courage is not the absence of fear and pain,
    but the affirmation of life despite fear and pain.(Rabbi Earl Grollman)

    Love to you!
    Kelly

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  49. KateNovember 7, 2011 at 6:58 PM

    I'm so sorry. Sending you so much love, and remembrance, and strength.

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  50. AnonymousNovember 7, 2011 at 8:33 PM

    I'm so sorry, Heidi. I can't imagine how you're feeling. I sent you two items from your Amazon wishlist, because I hope you continue taking care of yourself. No matter how much you're hurting, you carry your mother's love with you. And she wanted you to be happy and healthy and to rise above the pain in your life. Lots of love and best wishes from Cape Cod.

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  51. AnonymousNovember 7, 2011 at 9:38 PM

    You're very articulate and lovely in your grief. I hope you are always able to find this kernel of truth and beauty, to help you in the hard days ahead.

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  52. Cuckoo ArmadilloNovember 8, 2011 at 12:46 AM

    I'm sorry you lost your mom. I'm so glad she's not hurting anymore. God bless.

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  53. AnonymousNovember 8, 2011 at 9:27 AM

    Oh Heidi, I am so, so sorry. I am glad she's out of pain at last, but I am still so, so sorry.

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  54. AnonymousNovember 8, 2011 at 3:12 PM

    I'm so sorry to hear this. Love and hugs.

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  55. BeejNovember 8, 2011 at 8:41 PM

    I'm gonna give my mom a huge hug tonight for you and yours. Take care sweet pea.. keep crying til it's out, and even then don't let that stop you. I hope your new adventures sign the lease. XO XO XO XO XO!

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  56. sharneeNovember 10, 2011 at 4:53 AM

    Love to you, Heidi. <3

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  57. AnonymousNovember 11, 2011 at 1:35 AM

    Heidi, I just found your websites, and look forward to exploring them more. Thank you for telling your story.

    I am so sorry to hear of your mom's passing. You are in my thoughts. <3

    -Jolene B

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