Tuesday, October 25, 2011

She's severely critical. She's lost the ability to speak. They called to make sure I knew she was donating her body. I've been crying for two days straight. I saw my therapist today and we're talking about putting me in a psych hospital for a little bit. Because I've already started grieving and it's triggering my depression.

Her pain is killing me. Then I feel guilty and selfish because, oh god, her pain is so much worse than mine. And there's nothing I can do about it.  And it's killing me. It's fucking killing me. And I don't even know if I'll feel worse or better when she's no longer in any.

20 comments:

  1. hoping for a peaceful passing for your mama, and comfort and peace for you. stay safe, friend.

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  2. I'm so sorry for what you're going through Heidi. Just know that it will be better for her when she's slipped away, it will be peaceful and nothing will hurt, and you'll be strong and you'll continue being your amazing self and you'll keep growing and learning and making her proud like you always do. <3

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  3. I'm so sorry. I've been in a similar situation, and it's so so hard. Glad your therapist is looking out for you, that you're taking care of yourself.

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  4. I'm so, so sorry to hear that. :(

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  5. I love you Heidi, and you are in my thoughts. If there is anything I can do for you, please e-mail me.

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  6. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heidi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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  7. You are not selfish. Let me repeat that: You are NOT selfish.

    A selfish person does not care about the pain of others and you so clearly care about her pain and have done whatever you could for her throughout every stage of this terrible game. You are allowed to feel the loss. You are allowed to feel your own hurt. It take away from how much you have cared in any way. Even if we could somehow measure who was objectively in worse pain, it wouldn't matter. Your pain doesn't have to be the worst to be important. And this is some pretty huge pain regardless.

    You do whatever needs to be done to take care of yourself. You are important to this world.

    I am so sorry for what is happening. I wish you both peace.

    (((Sending you hugs, if you would like them)))

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  8. Obviously I don't know precisely what you're going through, but when I was 15 I had to watch my dad die, and it was rough; you won't feel better when it's over, but you will feel different, and after a while, that will be something of a relief. And remember: Pain isn't a competition. Our own pain is the biggest pain to us because we feel it every waking second of the day (and even some of the sleeping ones). The #1 thing for you to do now is to take care of yourself, period. If that includes the psych hospital, then go for it.

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  9. I'm more sorry than words can say.

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  10. Oh god Heidi.
    *hugs*
    I wish that I could take away some of your pain.
    Please know that you are not alone and that you have friends who love you very much. Even people like me who have never met you, care about you a great deal.
    *hugs*

    Jennifer

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  11. Sending love and happy thoughts to you and your mom!

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  12. Sending prayers for peace, for you and for your mama. I'm so sorry! - Lisa in Orange County

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  13. The problem is that you can't stop what is happening. You have no control over it. And if your therapist thinks you need to be cared for by professionals, then do what you need to do. Try to LIVE for your mother.

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  14. Hugs. Only time will make it better.

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  15. You're not being selfish by hurting. Promise, promise, promise. Go to the hospital if you need to, OK?

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  16. go to inpatient heidi. just go. then you will be surrounded by people who are there to help you get through this. please just go. you dont even know me and i just need you to be okay.

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  17. You and your mom are in my thoughts. I think taking care of yourself may be one thing you can do for her.

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  18. I hope and pray that you can find the help and the peace that you need right now. If that means staying at the hospital for awhile to get yourself through this in a healthy manner, so be it. Please do not hesitate to contact someone if you feel yourself slipping into any 'danger zones'.

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  19. Oh, Heidi, I'm so sorry. I'm weeping, reading your journal. I can hear how much this hurts, and I get it, really a lot. I have nothing useful to say except that I love you, and I'm one of soooo many people who love you, and I wish I could take away this pain. Major hugs. Hug hug hug. You don't have to be fine. No way, no how. Just be.

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