It's because her being in pain rips out my soul.
It's because her entire life was misery and unmedicated psychological pain.
It's because – just like when I was six – I can't fix any of it.
It's because I can't hold her hand when she dies.
It's because I just want, even now, – just like when I was six – for her to be happy.
It's because I know she wanted more for me – a life unlike her own – but I fucked it up anyway.
It's because I've run out of time to do something for her to be proud of.
It's because I can't change of any of it.
But I can't stop her pain or make her happy, no matter what I do...I never could.
But I can't change the past.
But I can get the help she didn't.
But I can care about my health and choices.
But I can learn to take care of myself.
But I can take the chances she was too afraid to.
But I can demand better, even though she was never able to.
But I can create the life I want.
But I can make myself proud.
But I can change.
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*hug*
ReplyDeleteYesss!!! This is a wonderful positive mentality!! I'm so happy to hear you say this!
ReplyDeleteThis needs to be said in all caps, so please forgive me for yelling:
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE AN INSPIRATION!!!
Sometimes I think saying those words, committing ourselves to that, is one of the most difficult things we face in life. You have done so much already, moving across the country, building a new life, reaching out for help when you needed it, making new friends and building new connections, sharing your journey with us... you are on that path, and I think you're pretty damn amazing.
(((more hugs if they are wanted)))
But you did rise from the misery of your family and became a really kind, caring individual. You turned your life around and moved to another state. You've survived incredible physical, emotional and financial hardships. How could she not be proud of that?
ReplyDeleteYou inspire me and many others. Your mother knows that. I can't speak for her, but if she's not proud of you, it's because of her mental issues only. I'd be damn proud of a daughter like you.
You CAN DO all of those things...and you will!
ReplyDeleteYou've already started doing the things she never could, living a life for yourself that is better than the life she had, and making her proud. Never forget that. I'm so sorry for what you've been going through, and lord do I commiserate when it comes to grieving. I'm glad you have a network of friends around to help you through this time. Don't be afraid to say "It's not fine, I need help." I was, and my recovery from mourning took so much longer as a result. (But, hey, look... it's happening, even so!) <3
ReplyDeleteIt's because I've run out of time to do something for her to be proud of.
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling, and it breaks my heart. And I want to remind you:
"I am proud of you. I always have been. You had to leave, you know that. And you need to live your life for you, baby, not for anyone else. For the first time, live your life for you, not for me."
Remember? She said that. She IS proud of you.
I relate to so much of this. Stay strong and let yourself feel whatever you're feeling. ♥
ReplyDelete