Sunday, October 31, 2010

I live in Alabama.

I live in Alabama in a trailer.

I live in Alabama in a trailer next to a meth head.

I live in Alabama in a trailer next to a meth head named Peanut.

Shit just got amazing.

Things I’ve Learned Thus Far

• Going to Subway and asking for spinach instead of lettuce on your sandwich will be met with looks of complete bewilderment.

• Speaking of Subway – they serve pizza and grits down here!

• Everything really is better when it’s deep fried.

• Apparently shaved Ice = snow cone + cream + more awesome (this is now the only reason I’m looking forward to a southern summer.)

• Piggly Wiggly, Winn Dixie, and Waffle House all really do exist.

• Boiled peanuts taste like chickpeas.

• Do not ever, ever, ever root for the University of Alabama while in the Auburn city limits. You will die.

• Do not ever, ever, ever wear the opposing team’s colors when Auburn is playing. You will die.

• Though Auburn’s mascot is the tiger, their rally cry is “War Eagle.” Yes, I know this makes no sense. Alabama’s mascot is the elephant yet they are called the Crimson Tide. This makes no sense either. Do not ever, ever, ever express how completely illogical this is. You will die.

• Do not ever, ever, ever leave your house before or after a game. The streets are like a parking lot. You will want to die.

• Do not ever, ever, ever drive through downtown Auburn the nights before or after a game. You will be surrounded by wave after wave of drunken, screaming collegiate douchebags and their mates. You will want them all to die.

• Flip flops are always acceptable.

• As is a t-shirt tucked into sweatpants.

• Camouflage is for more than just hunting.

• Female college student uniform: Nike shorts. Apparently, in the winter, they just add leggings and Uggs. I’m scared, hold me.

• You can get away with wearing anything as long as it’s orange and blue.

• It’s no longer a freeway, it’s now an interstate. Correction, it’s not inter-state, it’s inner-state. Freeways are for west coast hippies.

• Southerners do not believe in street lights. Once the sun goes down, I cannot see shit. I’m dreading the inevitable mowing down of a deer.

• There are no cops. Or, at least, very few compared to what I’m used to.Very few. It’s weird.

• Bridges actually go over bodies of water. Like, it says “creek” and “river” and there’s actually water! As opposed to crossing over a collection of rocks, shopping carts, and graffiti.

• Speaking of graffiti, there is none. None.Like the cop thing, it’s really weird.

• Asking people to repeat things because hearing certain words in their accent is adorable will get really old, really fast. For them, not for you.

• It’s absolutely possible for one person to call you, “baby,” “sugar,” “honey,” and “doll” in the course of 45 seconds flat.

• There really are stars in the sky. And without all the pollution and perpetual gray haze, the sun really is brighter than I believed.

• Animals or people walking around in the leaves outside of my window at night will always scare the shit out of me. It’s way too Friday the 13th for my liking.

• Aimless driving and mini-road trips are a lot less fun with a broken CD player. I’m trying to be grateful that it waited until after I arrived to implode.

• Jesus is coming. I haven’t met him yet but that’s what I hear.


  1. I'm amazed at how fast you've learned these things!

  2. :) Awwww! It sounds like you've had some interesting times.

  3. Welcome to the South! If you ever get a wild desire to come to South Carolina, let me know :)

    ::being random comments::

    A fun euphemism for being dead - "No longer shopping at the Piggly Wiggly". And Waffle House is open 24/7.

    Graffiti is on the trains and occasional overpasses. Why tag when you can go out and legally shoot something?

    But if someone says "bless your heart", they've just insulted you. And unfortunately, Jesus will probably get shot, since he's a long-haired Mid Eastern type.

    ::end random comments::

  4. Alabama is its own strange little world (like many other places in the South). AKA the fucking boonies. I say this with love. As a born-and-bred Southerner (who has spent time living in half the Dixie states), I would like to assure you of the existence of graffiti, streetlights, and Subways without grits.

  5. Oh Heidi....this was the best blog....I loved it....It sounds like you are enjoying the whole atmosphere in your new area....

  6. Oh man, sounds like you're having a blast!! :)

  7. Have you encountered "fixin' to". My husband is from Utah, and it still baffles him. His response, why do you get ready to get ready to do something? :D