Monday, August 30, 2010


I joined AAA. One less thing to stress about.

Best part about moving to Alabama? Road trips to Graceland and Dollywood!! Holy shit. My life will be complete.

I’m so far behind in my move that I have to stay until the end of September. Sigh. Oh well. Being out by the end of August was just not going to happen. I was about a week away from my leave date and had a minor nervous breakdown. So I talked to my landlord and he was fine with me staying. Plus it gives me more time to see my friends and my therapist before I take off.

The one downside? Another month of cold showers. Yowza. I take them during the hottest part of the day so the sun warms up the water heater a bit. They’re cold but not freezing, at least. I’m perfecting the two minute shower. Hair washing is questionable and more than a cursory shaving is a flat out no.

Mama’s doing well. She’s made a really good friend and they spend a lot of time together. Mama’s incision is almost fully healed. Nine fucking months after the cut was made. Once that heals fully they’ll be going back in to biopsy yet another place she might have cancer. But, you know, she’s feeling fine so that’s what I try to focus on. I need to find ways to keep her entertained. She also has asked me to smuggle her in a pastrami sandwich. That’s my mama!

I’ve finally been sleeping well! I decided to just shell out and pay for my Ambien out of pocket. Turns out it was way cheaper than I expected. Huzzah! Before filling it I was swigging Nyquil and downing handfuls of Tylenol PM for months which, yes, helped me sleep but also left me feeling queasy and exhausted all the damn time. So the last few nights on Ambien have been heaven by comparison. Though there is a rule. One Ambien and I have pleasant, elaborate dreams about tattoos and books and long discussions with Pam about made-for-TV movies. But when I’m struggling to sleep and take two? That’s when all hell breaks loose. Kid Rock is just randomly hanging out with me; polar bears are trying to kill me; I keep accidentally murdering people; characters from Of Mice and Men are trying to rape me; I find my dad’s sex tapes in which he glues various vacuum cleaner pieces to his arms and forehead… It’s just not a pretty experience.

I had stolen internet for a little while there. But, alas, the Heredia Family locked up and I’m, once again, cut off. Oh the fickle hand of pirated fate.

Since I mentioned my celibacy I should probably also mention that I fell off that wagon almost immediately after writing that. Um, okay, a couple of times. For some reason, I kinda felt ashamed to admit that but, fuck, people, it’s not as if I’m 12-steppin’ here. I have to mention, I went out with a guy and he was wearing an Order of the Triad shirt. At that point I knew my pants were coming off. Go Team Venture, indeed!

I was wandering around Wal-Mart and came across this little box of chocolate covered Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Brilliant, right? Right!? I ate three pieces and had to toss the rest. Ugh. Textbook definition of “too sweet to be edible.” I immediately had to eat spinach afterwards to counteract the tooth-numbing horrors. Seriously. Three pieces and I was like, oh my sweet lord I need vegetables STAT!

I’ve been intentionally wearing shirts with shorter sleeves in order to shock myself out of being ashamed of my upper arms. (Hilariously, I’ve been avoiding the sun for so long that my farmer’s tan has completely disappeared and I’m now just flat-out pale.) It was easier than expected. I showed most of my upper arms in public and the world didn’t end. Shit. Who knew!? Soon I’ll work on showing my legs. One step at a time.

I honestly have no idea what it means that, in dreams, I equate Kid Rock just standing there with attempted rape, murder, and general traumatization.


  1. Hurray! I am so glad you posted, I missed reading you and was vertibaly dying for an update. I send you mental cup cakes and sparklie dirty celebacy breakin' boys

  2. I am also ashamed of my upper arms and have been trying to think of a way to move away from that. Your idea is excellent. Thank you!

  3. I dunno WHAT it means, but I don't dispute it. I loathe Kid Rock.

  4. I'm glad to see this post. I've been wondering how you're doing and if you'd moved yet. Almost there... keep on keepin' on.

    Could you sneak a hot shower at your mom's facility? Don't laugh!

    I am ultra affected by heat and humidity, so I've made peace with my bare upper arms in the summer. Truly, they are not great to look at, Cellulite City actually, but I'd rather be comfortable than worry about offending someone's eyes.

    Good luck with everything.

  5. "I honestly have no idea what it means that, in dreams, I equate Kid Rock just standing there with attempted rape, murder, and general traumatization." BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I wish I had something intelligent to add but I don't. This is awesome.

  6. It was good to see a new blog sound much better. Hope you can get on the road to your new life in the next few days. I know you are going to have a great time getting used to another area of our country...and "they" won't know what hit them....LOL

  7. I too have been snubbed when trying to get internet while doing the laundry in the basement of my apartment building. My friend said that people's codes are actually quite easy to guess if you just try a few. A lot of people have 1111111 or 0000000, only the smartest people have a complicated one apparently. It's worth a shot ;)