Attack of the Sugar Monster!

Ugh. My pain levels have been rifuckingdiculous. I’m having trouble standing and walking so productivity has seriously been the suck lately. And by “lately” I mean “way too fucking long.” I so desperately need my Vicodin but my doctor is making me come in and see him for my refill. Which would be fine except the soonest appointment is in October. Yeah…that’s an issue for several reasons. They’re trying to get me in on a cancellation but, in the meantime, I’m just in pain all the fucking time. Grrrr.

Reason I Love My Friends #217: “Do you think Alabama cock is different from California cock?” I kind of assume that everyone is as filthy as I am…most just hide it better. But some don’t hide it at all and those are the ones I adore the most. I love you, you perverted bastards!

One of the things I hate most in the world is the statement, “God bless America.” I hate it. It makes my eyes narrow and puts my teeth on edge. The other day I was behind a car with a bumper sticker:

God Bless the World. NO Exceptions.

He may be roughly 90 years old but I’m so going to marry that man.

I’m trying to figure out if my dating/sex life is going to just come to a screeching halt once I move. I mean, the pool of potential suitors is going to be slashed drastically in terms of numbers alone. But the douchebag percentage will probably also be lowered. Hmmm. We shall see.

Abby: You’re going to have to create a pre-date questionnaire.
Me: T or F – President Obama is a sign of the coming apocalypse.
Abby: Jews have a) control of the banks, b) horns, c) guilt.

Me: You HAVE to visit me. It would be amazing.
Abby: What does one DO in Alabama?
Me: I have no clue. Apparently football is, like, insanely huge. Other than that… Uhhhhhh. Moonshine, opossum stew, and hate crimes?

And before you send me angry emails, I know. We’re only kidding, people. I’m really excited about exploring new places and meeting new people and trying new foods. Though the lack of ethnic diversity is going to be hella hard to get used to. A few months in and I’m going to end up one of those creepy weirdoes intentionally trying to befriend people of color as if they’re collector’s items. “Be my black friend!!! I’m one of the good white people! Give me your approval and acknowledge my incredible racial sensitivity!”

Speaking of my beloved Abby, I might be meeting up with her soon when she goes to Kansas City on business. Fingers crossed! She has a big ol’ suite and has promised me amazing BBQ.

I drove by a newly opened Cajun restaurant. There were pictures of egg rolls and spaghetti in the windows. Most ethnically confused place ever.