Thursday, July 8, 2010

Written a few days ago

Two tip-offs that your friends just don’t get mental illness.

Re: my psychiatric medications – “Do you really think you need all those pills?”

“Well I get sad too. But I still have to get shit done. I was sad yesterday but I got over it.”

Stop taking your pills and just get over it. Words of wisdom from two people I thought knew and understood me the best. Good lord.

So, yeah, Alabama. I’ve never lived anywhere other than Los Angeles. I’ve never driven that far alone. I’ve never hauled a trailer. I’ve never lived more than 20 minutes from my mom. I’m fucking terrified. My thoughts/feelings basically go terrorterrorterrorterrorexcitedterrorterrorterrorterror…

I hate change. I do everything in my power to avoid it. It scares me so much that I can’t even put it into words. The fear I feel right now… It’s the most overwhelming and paralyzing thing I’ve ever experienced. But I have so much to do. Somehow I have to force myself through this. I have to play through the pain and take control of my life. Because, honestly? I don’t have any other choice.

God, my mom. My entire life I’ve lived for her. I’ve done everything I could to make her happy – to make her sane. My entire purpose in life has been to save her. And the fact that I have to leave her now is absolutely destroying me.

I think most of my fear comes from the fact that things have a tendency of blowing up in my face. So I’m trying to remain cautiously optimistic. If this blows up in my face? I’ll be fucked. Plain and simple. Completely and utterly. Fucked.

I focus a lot on my friends. These amazing, strong, driven, and brilliant people who impress the fuck out of me. And so many of the things they’ve accomplished are on account of taking risks and stepping out of their comfort zones.

Maybe it’s my turn.

Written last night

My therapists response to the life decision: Alafuckingbama!?!?

Therapist: Have you told your mom that you’re leaving?
Me: I told her it was a possibility…not that it was definite.
Therapist: Coward.
Me: Completely.

I held her hand and told her. She took it better than I did! I bawled and she cried. I told her how scared I was. How I didn’t want to leave her. How I felt like I was abandoning her.

And she said, Heidi. You’ve lived your entire life for other people. You give everything you have and more. You’re 31 years old. It’s time you live for yourself.

And she said, I know how hard it is. You know I understand. You know how many times I’ve been fucked over for putting others first. I quit school because your grandma wanted me to. I worked for fucking assholes for less than I deserved because I thought it was all I could get. I felt so guilty every time I did something for myself. You know where you get it from.

And she said, This is your chance, baby. You can’t live here. This is your opportunity. Take it. Take it and make the life you want to have.

And she said, Look at me. This past year we’ve both learned that you never know what life is going to bring you. I know you’re scared. I know you’re overwhelmed. I know you’re in pain. But you can do this. You’ve always made me so proud of you.

And she said, It’s your turn now, baby.


  1. I hope that the move goes really well for you.

  2. "Stop taking pills and get over it." There aren't enough LOLs in the world for that little gem.

  3. I have done the cross-country trip to unfamiliar territory, starting with nothing and knowing that, if I failed, I was well and truly fucked.

    I survived it, and more: I am sort-of succeeding.

    If I had to name one person who could rock this kind of life-altering decision harder than I have, you'd be the Family Feud number 1 answer.

  4. I heart your momma.

  5. This is beautiful. Your mother can only give you strength; cultivate it.

  6. i know hearing people say things doesn't really do much for your insides. but, your mom is right. i know you know that, but it's hard to feel it. some things to remember: a. there are people who understand that you can't just make yourself feel better or get over it. we know that, sometimes, the only thing keeping us around are pharmaceuticals. b. everything scares someone. the things you are talking about doing? I would do them in a heartbeat. I chase change all over the country and my head. I love it; I thrive on it. But the stuff you do without even thinking about it? Like dying your hair pink or having boyfriends or girlfriends? Terrifies me to the core. when you are worried or scared, sometimes it helps a little to remember that you are always doing things that scare and worry other people. good vibes coming your way from chi-town.

  7. I KNEW your mother would understand and encourage you to take this big chance at life. I wish someone could go with you on the trip so you had a companion to talk with on the road. I am positive that this is what you need to do. Please keep on believing that you can do it.

  8. Heidi, I also had a co-dependent relationship with my Mom and I know how hard it is for you to leave her. I applaud her for giving her blessing and encouraging you to live your life. That's what a mom is supposed to do; encourage their children to fly and pursue their dreams. One step at a time, you can do it! You are much braver and stronger than you give yourself credit for!

  9. I don't have anything to say that could even close to what your mom said.

  10. I don't comment much, but I read everything you write. One way I get through hard times is to look at them and go - it could be worse - and start listing all the ways it could be worse (and coming up with some ridiculous things, let me tell you). My best advice for you is to think of all the great things that can come out of this move, think of all the bad things that can come out of it - then you hope for the great things, expect the bad ones, and nothing surprises you (and if you're expecting the bad ones, you're half-way prepared for handling them). Girl, you have handled some rough shit in your life, there is nothing that is going to happen on this move that you can't handle, one way or another. Have faith in yourself - you're one of the strongest women I know, even though we've never met. And your mother, she is one special woman.

  11. Awwww, reading your momma's words made tears run down my face.

  12. You can do this because time and time again you've proven how you can do what MUST be done!

    There is always the possibility that you can get your Mom moved here (through Medicare/Caid) after you get settled and stable.

  13. Wow, your mom...she is awesome. She is also RIGHT.

  14. I don't blame you. You have your own life to live and your mom wants you to live it. Besides Alabama's not that bad-- except for all the fricking stupid, inbred, dixie-loving rednecks inhabiting the state. Not to mention the stuck up Southern belles, the horrible, grating twangy accents, the underlying racial tensions, the scorching hot summer days with no breeze, the Good Ol' Boy nepotism connections, the beaches covered in oil, the lack of anything remotely interesting nearby besides the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament and the Hank Williams Museum, the complete feeling of hopelessness one must endure and that damned country music playing in every bar and restaurant while the televisions are tuned to FOXnews... Besides that it's not so bad.

  15. I, too, am afraid of change. Have always been that way. But this past April, I moved away from my family and friends, and I've gotta say, it was the best thing ever for me. It's definitely scary, but it could turn out to be something so wonderful. Best wishes, chica. You've got a lot of folks here pulling for you. *hugs

  16. Heidi, you make me cry. o.O I definitely changed my life for the better moving to Oregon and taking the risk it could be a huge mistake.. honestly these days things couldnt be better between me and my dork husband.. things work out mysteriously, but in the end I really do believe for the best and the way they're supposed to. I'm glad you're doing things for yourself finally, be safe! And you should text me, sometime :)

  17. Wow. Your mom's reaction is pretty much the best. Good on her and good on you.