Thursday, March 4, 2010


I visited Mama yesterday and sobbed the entire time. Snot pouring and head pounding. She held my hand and stroked my hair.

This morning I sat in bed. Crying hard. My nails digging deep into my wrists, wanting to use a knife. Wanting to open a vein. Wanting to end it all. Finally.

And I thought to myself, if I don’t kill myself, what’s the alternative? Feeling like this for the next X number of months while waiting to find a way to get my psych medications covered? It would kill me. I know this. I wouldn’t survive it; no matter how hard I tried.

So I took part of the rent and paid for my insurance instead. One more month covered. I don’t know how I’ll come up with the money for the prescription copays themselves but at least at it’s an option now.

Whatever it takes, right? Whatever it takes.


  1. Whatever it takes is exactly right. We fight to stay alive, to stay as healthy as we can, NO MATTER WHAT. It's what we do. I love you. I'm here to talk if you need to.

  2. I think you made a good choice.

  3. Do what you do to be alive; you're always better off alive than dead. I sometimes have to tell myself "If it's still this bad in an hour/tomorrow/next month, you can kill yourself then. Just make it until then, and if it's still that bad, you can end it." It's kept me going so far. I hope you find your way through.

  4. You have to have your meds and you are absolutely doing the right thing--making the best out of a bunch of bad options. Do you have anyone else at all you can go to for support besides your mom (who I know you don't get to see that often)? It seems like being alone right now is not good for you if you can possibly avoid it.

    Hang on and know that people love you and support you doing whatever you need to do to survive this.

  5. There has got to be a way to fix this. You've got to have more money. And insurance. And medication. It's fucking ridiculous to let you suffer like this.