Friday, March 5, 2010

Aaaaand Dumped

Well, I’ve been dumped. Okay, I wasn’t even dumped. Dude. I was fucking ditched. In the douchiest move in all of Douchedom, he decided to just disappear in the middle of everything being all lovely. Instead of, oh, I don’t know, sending me an email telling me to fuck off and die or something. Christ.

I thought I was ready to fall for someone. I thought I was ready to pick a good one. I thought I was ready to take a risk. Guess not. Remember how, after the last relationship ended, I said I was going to stick to anonymous sex and excessive drinking? Yeah, this would be why.

Then the self-defeating shit starts cycling. Who am I to think I deserve someone to love? Who am I to think I deserve someone to love me in return? Who am I to think I deserve happiness? Romance? Pleasure?

I’m just going to accept the fact that I’m going to die alone with 50 cats. Goal in life: become Bubbles.

God, and I thought I was bitter before! I know it’ll pass...this is just some really bad timing. But when the medication fully enters my system, it’ll be a lot easier to handle. Everything. I just have to hold on until then.


  1. Heidi. Your self-worth is not measured by that fucking dick. And if you're going to be Bubbles, then I'm going to don a sexy black T-shirt and walk around with a rum & Coke. (Pam's Ricky.)

  2. I'm sorry. You deserve so much better.

  3. DOUCHEBAGGERY indeed!

  4. WHAT THE FUCK. Who DOES that? Don't these men have PARENTS? Don't they know how to act like HUMAN BEINGS? What is WRONG with people? Evil fucking demon shitbags.

    It is NOT your fault that this guy is a brainless, heartless, virulent shit-stuffed meatbag shaped like a person. This is NOT your fault. You are still amazing and awesome and deserving of love. This guy, though? Needs to be choked to death on his own filthy testicles. KILL.

  5. Ditched? Say what? Jesus...

  6. i know this sounds trite, but maybe this is a good thing. I know when I am mentally unwell it's much harder to deal with relationships. Perhaps this will give you a chance to be completely selfish (in a good way) and just take care of yourself.

    You deserve to take care of yourself, Heidi.

    I'm sorry it hasn't worked out the way you wanted though.

  7. OH, NO...WTF?! I thought he was all about you??? GAK! I'm so sorry, hon... (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

  8. I read your blog entries a lot. You always seem very resilient to me. You've been at a point where you couldn't even wipe yourself, and you still feel that you are worthy of love and affection. I'm 230 pounds and I feel like I could not be loved.

    You're always trying to improve yourself even though it doesn't seem to do very much good and everything is a constant battle... You've been through so much and you still keep on. That is pretty amazing to me.

    I'm not trying to stroke your ego- you are very unattractive and your body is in shambles, and from your posts it doesn't seem like you have a lovable personality to make up for it. I'm not saying these things to hurt your feelings, believe it or not, It's just the way that I see it.

    How do you do it? How do you keep on this way? I'd really like to know.

  9. that really sucks. there are just a lot of crappy dudes out there. hang in there!

  10. WHAT. What a fucking dick. I'm so sorry.

    You do deserve love, and respect, and all of that. This dude, I'm not so sure.

  11. UGH I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!! I just cannot. What the eff. After all that he had said!??!!?! AHHHHHHRRRHRHRHHGHGHG. I'm so sorry, honey. What an asswipe.

  12. There is no way to find a reason for what he was rude, crude and mean spirited. Lots of guys think they are doing you a big favor by just cutting off all contact instead of manning up and facing the situation and being honest with you. One of these days you will meet the right will be open to it and he will show up. Maybe this is just getting you closer to that day...Don't give have a lot of friends who want the best for you.

  13. I know you can get through this with your support system, but I do have to say I agree a bit with 1900mixalot.

  14. I'm sorry to hear this! I agree with the above commenters, and eventually you will meet that worthy person you are destined to meet. Hang in there.

  15. dear daniel, can you just back off and not be a prick? in the unlikely event you are not a troll, it is completely NOT okay to demand heidi be your therapist and give you self worth, regardless of your issues. and if you are a troll, well then just fuck off and die, please.

    and heidi, you are fucking EPIC. whatever life throws at you, you come right back, guns blazing. you will get through this, and you will be happy and loved, because you are, quite simply, lovely.

  16. Daniel, kindly eat a dick. Heidi is attractive and really owes you no explanations of how she gets through the day.

    Sigh... Heidi, did he say anything? Are you sure he hasn't had some emergency or something or is otherwise unable to communicate? Because it seems so random that he fell off the earth like this. He did not seem like a dick, but then again, they seldom do in the beginning.

    Also? Daniel? Did I mention you should eat a dick?

  17. Well, since I took the time to compose my original comment I will respond to the unsurprising backlash.

    origami_duck, you can call me a prick if you'd like. It's the internet. I'm sure some people do find her attractive but I think it's pretty obvious that a body that has been through that much trauma is not within the boundaries of conventional beauty or the average person's idea of attractive.

    I could be one of those people who posts hateful comments and makes fun of her but I am not, my original comment was well composed and tried to be honest, comments calling me a "prick" or telling me to "eat a dick" are uncalled for and bring the intelligence of the entire conversation down. You guys are no better than trolls.

    I never demanded anything from her, I requested a response to the question that I posed. She's free to not respond in any way. I'll still be a reader of her blog though. It's become apparent that she is not going to respond, so I will take my leave.

  18. (((Heidi))),

    This too shall pass. You've been *incredibly* courageous. I could have not dealt with all you have--I'd have laid down and died.
    It isn't that you don't deserve happiness--what you deserve is someone better than this momser. And so he is gone from your life, painful as it is, to make way for something better.


    No.Just no.

  19. Okay, Daniel, I'm confused. You sound intelligent and you made an attempt at being - I don't know, diplomatic? - with your critique, but it still was completely jarring, especially after how you opened the comment.

    I don't see how as a frequent reader you could possibly say that Heidi doesn't have a lovable personality. Do you not see the gleam in her eye in her pictures, the shocked expression as she's being "eaten" by a fake dinosaur, her joy in such simple things as cute slippers and heart-shaped water chestnuts? She's one of the most open writers I've ever come across, not just posting the good but the embarrassing and the vulnerable and the damn, that was a bad idea. By your own admission, she is constantly trying to improve and better herself. I don't know what your definition of lovable contains but I think it's got to be pretty unattainable. Don't you find limiting your definition of beauty to the conventional to be rather shallow?

    I get you wanting to know how she does it. I've seen Heidi knocked down more times than one person should ever have to deal with, and yet she's still rocking hard. I'm in awe of how she does it, and you seem to be as well. Why would you throw such callous comments at her when she's already dealing with this latest disappointing situation?

  20. "I'm not trying to stroke your ego- you are very unattractive and your body is in shambles, and from your posts it doesn't seem like you have a lovable personality to make up for it. I'm not saying these things to hurt your feelings, believe it or not, It's just the way that I see it."

    She's not unattractive, she's actually got a quite pretty face, I think. Of course her body has problems - whose wouldn't after all it's been through? And I don't have a problem with her personality. She's very brave. Maybe a bit of an impulse problem, but no one's perfect.

    Besides, why the fuck should anyone care what you think? You're must think you're so generous to give her a handful of compliments in between saying hurtful things like that. Well you're not.

    Maybe take some of that self-hatred and direct it at someone other than a person who's going through a really hard time.

    Heidi was more than twice your size at her worst, with a bunch of other issues to boot, and she still managed to avoid becoming a bitter jerk. Pity the same can't be said for you.

  21. Good thing the way "Daniel" sees things doesn't correlate with the rest of the world. We need more Heidi and less Daniel on this Earth.