Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I spent over an hour on the phone with my exes sister. It was nice; I’ve really missed her. I’m going over to hang out this week or next

Mama has made the decision to stay in the nursing home. I don’t know how to feel. On one hand, I’m relieved to have an answer of any kind and I know they’ll take amazing care of her. On the other, I feel like this awful daughter, putting her away. And, selfishly, I’m scared for myself. But at least now I know what I have to do. Clean, purge, and move my ass somewhere affordable. Deep breath, Heidi, you can do this.

Anyway, all of this is contingent on her getting Medi-Care. And that’s all up in the air. But I’m going to just act from a place wherein I have to move and find a place for myself alone.

I just want my mommy to be okay. And for things to just calm down for five minutes so I can breathe.

I’m scared. For many, many reasons.


  1. Please focus on the fact that Mama has made the decision when you feel the need to beat yourself up over this. It is, ultimately, her decision. You can be there for her, of course, but she knows you can't take better care of her than the trained medical professionals.

    And yeah, breathe. It's not that you can do this. You *ARE DOING* this. This is you living your life.

  2. I can't even imagine how scary everything must seem right now! Soo many changes in such little time.

    But yeah, try not to feel too guilty! It was indeed her decision, and it sounds like she will get wonderful care. You are not locking her up! She is in a place where ppl can watch over her, where there is a staff of helpers, a whole team!

  3. Heidi! Please give yourself a break! You have been putting so much on your own shoulders. This is a good decision and it will be good for you to strike out on your own. You can still love your Mama and be independent!

    My husband has a father, that is more like a child...and it was very difficult for him to let go and stop feeling responsible for them.

    I am also very glad your Mama seems to be doing better

  4. Heidi...love your site and I've been following you for a long time. But please, please, please....make your feed into a full feed rather than the partial that it is now.

  5. I agree with all of the above. You can do it.

  6. (((Hugs))) I imagine there is some relief from having the decision made, but stress from having to take the step of moving. I am thinking of you.

  7. i can't promise you that everything will be perfect.

    i can promise that you that i am sending and will continue to send many good wishes and plenty of meditation on things getting better for you.

    i have faith in you and your strength as do many, many others.