Tuesday, June 3, 2014

I haven’t been writing and I’m not really sure why.  Is it because I’m afraid of what I’ll say or reveal to myself?  Or is because I don’t want to deal, period?  Or that I don’t think I’m strong enough to deal, period?  I miss how raw and open I used to be.

Up until this past six months, therapy dealt with the present.  How do I survive the circumstances I’m in the middle of?  It was crisis management.  But now I have no crises.  Well, a few but they’re not things that are destroying or that will be around in a few months.  And my meds are actually working.  So, suddenly, I have the time and emotional energy/ability to work on the past.  To tackle the trauma and pain I lived in for my entire life.  And, holy fuck, is that overwhelming!  Because where do I start?  Am I strong enough to do this?  Do I even know how to tackle the past?  I honestly don’t know.

I made a list of things I want/need to deal with awhile back.


  • physical abuse
  • emotional abuse
  • sexual abuse
  • being parentified at a young age
  • 20 years of bulimia/anorexia
  • body shame
  • self loathing
  • dads suicide
  • Steven
  • Brian
  • dating in general
  • allowing myself to be used constantly
  • inability to say no
  • fear of...everything
  • fear and avoidance of anger
  • codependenc
  • loss of love
  • making mistakes and why I can’t forgive myself


The only two I managed to write about (more than once, even) was my parents’ hoarding and my last boyfriend and his suicide.  The latter happened five years ago and it still haunts me.  I still blame myself and I don’t know how to move beyond that, no matter how much logic I throw at it.

I know how cathartic writing is for me.  How badly I need it to be a regular part of my life but I struggle these days to implement it.  Which is the case with everything, really.

Now my plan for writing is simple.  I’m going to write.  Full stop.  I’m going to take a 20 minutes every morning and just write.  I don’t need to pick a topic or even write something anyone else will see.  I just need to write.  A friend gave me really good advice and told me to - when finished - close the document and not read it over for a couple of days so I think I’m going to try that.

Here we go!

4 comments:

  1. I still check your blog regularly, even though I've noticed your posts tapering. So many times I've come here and been hit with some absolute truth and it's enough to keep me going, to keep working, to keep doing the hard things. I hope you keep writing. Your words and insights help me a lot.

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  2. Hey Heidi, I'm a long time admiring of your blog! Maybe you'd like a resource recommendation on learning to write? Writing as a Way of Healing by Louis DeSalvo helped me start writing in a constructive way while taking care of myself.

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  3. Thank you so so so much for the recommendation! I went ahead and ordered that and Journal to the Self: Twenty-Two Paths to Personal Growth - Open the Door to Self-Understanding by Writing, Reading, and Creating a Journal of Your Life (longest title ever). I'm so excited to read them!! <3

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  4. Heidi! Where are you? I only started reading your blog recently (though I've read a lot. I spent a whole night binge reading, and I even read some stuff on LiveJournal. I hope I don't sound like a creep; your story just really resonates with me). I think you're amazing and miss reading your stuff. Hope all is well!

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