Up until this past six months, therapy dealt with the present. How do I survive the circumstances I’m in the middle of? It was crisis management. But now I have no crises. Well, a few but they’re not things that are destroying or that will be around in a few months. And my meds are actually working. So, suddenly, I have the time and emotional energy/ability to work on the past. To tackle the trauma and pain I lived in for my entire life. And, holy fuck, is that overwhelming! Because where do I start? Am I strong enough to do this? Do I even know how to tackle the past? I honestly don’t know.
I made a list of things I want/need to deal with awhile back.
- physical abuse
- emotional abuse
- sexual abuse
- being parentified at a young age
- 20 years of bulimia/anorexia
- body shame
- self loathing
- dads suicide
- dating in general
- allowing myself to be used constantly
- inability to say no
- fear of...everything
- fear and avoidance of anger
- loss of love
- making mistakes and why I can’t forgive myself
The only two I managed to write about (more than once, even) was my parents’ hoarding and my last boyfriend and his suicide. The latter happened five years ago and it still haunts me. I still blame myself and I don’t know how to move beyond that, no matter how much logic I throw at it.
I know how cathartic writing is for me. How badly I need it to be a regular part of my life but I struggle these days to implement it. Which is the case with everything, really.
Now my plan for writing is simple. I’m going to write. Full stop. I’m going to take a 20 minutes every morning and just write. I don’t need to pick a topic or even write something anyone else will see. I just need to write. A friend gave me really good advice and told me to - when finished - close the document and not read it over for a couple of days so I think I’m going to try that.
Here we go!