Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Pride

A friend said I wasn’t proud of my accomplishments and I said I didn’t feel that I’d done anything to be especially proud of.  I just…live.  And sometimes awesome things happen.  I feel egotistical when I talk about that kind of stuff.  But his words stuck with me.  What have I done to be proud of? 

I’m proud that I survived a childhood filled with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.

I’m proud that I spent 25 years living in squalor with hoarders and still manage to have a clean home that people can visit.

I'm proud that after living in a house of rage, I still manage to be a kind person.

I’m proud that I didn’t kill myself when I thought about it constantly for 20 years.

I’m proud that my high school years were filled with volunteering and helping others.

I’m proud that I went  to a psychiatrist and therapist for the first time because I was so tired of hurting.

I’m proud that I ended a relationship that should have ended three years earlier.

I’m proud of the incredible work I did at my job.  The way I put everything I had into it. I'm proud of the work I did to grow an organization that helped so many at-risk teens.

I’m proud that I fought so hard to get surgery.

I’m proud of the piece I wrote on Shapely Prose.

I’m proud that, when I found my father’s body after his suicide, I could feel compassion and empathy for the man who destroyed me.

I'm proud that I didn't take my ex back after he fucked me over repeatedly.

I'm proud to have given my boyfriend happiness and love before his suicide.

I’m proud to be loved by so many incredible people.

I’m proud of my writing because it helps others.

I'm proud of how long I've kept my blog going, even through the shit storm.

I'm proud of the honesty in my writing, my refusal to hide my flaws, and the way it's helped me to move beyond fear, shame, and self loathing.

I'm proud of every time I walked outside when all I wanted to do was hide.

I'm proud of joining a gym when I was afraid of judgment and I'm proud every time I go.

I'm proud that I checked myself into psychiatric wards when I was on the verge of a decision I could never take back.

I'm proud of packing up my car and moving cross country when I had no idea what the future held.

I'm proud of every time I took my clothes off  while the lights were on or the sun streamed through the windows.

I'm proud of showing my naked body all over the internet and in front of strangers at kink events and the way it helped me normalize my body to myself and others.

I'm proud of every time I asked for what I wanted during sex.

I'm proud of my kick ass hair.

I'm proud of every time I went sleeveless.

I'm proud that I'm ridiculously optimistic, even after everything that happened/was done to me.

I'm proud I've learned to say no.

I'm proud of accepting and loving myself.

I'm proud to have people who loved me when I was incapable of loving myself.

I’m proud of every email/comment I receive that tells me how I've helped someone love themselves and do the things that terrify them.

I'm proud  to be part of your lives.

I'm honored to be part of your lives.

(Don't forget there's a big ol' body acceptance book giveaway happening!!)

11 comments:

  1. Thank you for keeping your blog going! I've been following you for six years. You're an inspiration! You're also a fantastic writer, have you thought about writing a book?

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  2. Awesome! I am proud to know you through your blog. :)

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  3. I'm proud of YOU. <3

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    1. That means so incredibly much to me.

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  4. Such a great post. Glad to have you as part of our lives too :) good work heidi!

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    1. Thank you! And I don't plan to leave anytime soon!

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  5. I have a page on Facebook called Mental Illness: A Day In The Life, which I created for those of us who live 24/7 with psychiatric pain. I would like to re-post this blog entry of yours. You are such an incredible person, living life on *her* terms, who has survived unthinkable horrors. I am so proud of you.
    Sending love,
    withallheart

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    1. I would be absolutely honored. Thank you so much. <3

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    2. Heidi - Thank you so much. I have re-posted your blog entry. You are amazing. Your heart is open and courageous, in spite of everything you have gone through. I, too, am proud of you. What a woman!

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  6. Thank you for posting this. I've been struggling hard with depression lately, and my mom said (over Christmas) that I need to stop focusing so much on the negative. I told her that sounds fine, in theory, but the voice in my head is not really on board with that. I'm glad I ran across this (I've been behind on blogging and commenting lately). I need to make myself a list.

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