Friday, October 7, 2011

Today

I feel sane and alive and awake for the first time in about six weeks. Since finding out how terminal my mom actually is. The depression hits hard and I try to remember to swallow my pills and I focus every ounce of emotional energy I have on not cutting or killing myself.

And I hate myself for hurting so badly. Even though I have every right to. Even though anyone would in my position. But I hate myself because I feel as if I fell all the way back to Point A. As if all of the progress I made was eradicated with a single phone call.

But today. Today I feel sane. Sane and optimistic. Food tastes good and I didn't feel like harming myself. And I whisper, “Please don’t let this go away. Please. Please. Please.”

3 comments:

  1. i hope you're able to keep this feeling. having a sane day is a very good thing. i'm really sorry that your mom is so ill and you're far away. you're a good daughter and you've done the best you can for her and for yourself. the best tribute to your mom is to live the life she wants you to have. can there be a better tribute than that?

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  2. What I hope is a mood-lifter:

    I remember you posting about how you wound up with a Christian station on your presets because the radio situation in AL was so bleak. I wanted to exhort you to try the AM band. I found a fantastic funk station in my city that way.

    You and your mom are in my prayers.

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  3. Honey, if you were back to point A, you WOULD be cutting yoruself, you WOULD be skipping pills...but you aren't and that's huge progress. I am proud of you.

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