Monday, June 14, 2010

Ebb & Flow

Mama is doing well. She’s back in the nursing home. Her wound is slowly healing. I got to watch it being manually cleaned out today. That was cool/gross. One of my favorite combinations ever!

I’ve been sleeping a lot on my new mood stabilizer. A lot a lot. But I’ve had insomnia for so long that I can’t help but revel in it. My body is finally starting to get used to the medication so I’m not sleeping most of the day away as often. And my mind is in a much better place. I don’t want to kill myself! I can leave the house! I can orgasm! I can sleep! It’s a fucking miracle drug.

Physically I’m not doing so hot. Lots of pain and fatigue. Blah. I’m going to try to just muscle through it. I have less than a fucking month to sort/toss/pack/move everything and am nowhere near that close to being done.

Once the move is over I’m going to start saving for bankruptcy. And I definitely want to work on my physical and mental health. Big time. And I want to start volunteering again. Just a few times a month to start. Living in LA itself will make it a lot easier to find a local organization. But, more than anything? God. I want to go back to school. I want it so badly that I’ve actually cried over it. The problem is I doubt I’ll qualify for student loans with a bankruptcy on me. Or my crippling debt. So I’m kind of stuck. At least taking a couple of classes at the community college will be a good start until I figure out if there’s a way to make full-time at a university actually happen.

Well now it looks like I’ll be homeless in a few months. At least I have my car to live in and it’s LA so I won’t have to worry about being cold at night. I’m not sure why I feel so nonchalant about the entire situation. Possibly because it’s just the inevitable conclusion to this past year from hell.

It’s okay. My mom’s being taken care of and I’ll find a no-kill shelter for my cats and I’ll put my possessions and bed into storage. I can make this work. The only things that really concern me are the basics like showering and eating healthier than I am now.

Honestly? I’m fucking terrified. But giving into that won’t help matters.


  1. Talk to your doctors and therapists....are there any women's shelters you can go to?

  2. did the couch thing fall through too? ugh. i'm sorry, heidi. i'm not sure why the universe seems to be always conspiring against you. wish there was more i could do from up here in canadia.

  3. I really don't think your credit has any bearing on your student loan eligibility. I had bad credit when I started school and it didn't matter.

  4. If you were closer, I would take your kitties and help you find a place. :(

  5. Bankruptcy won't stop you from getting student loans! Stafford Loans aren't credit-dependent! If you take a full course load (12 credits), you'll be able to take out enough student loans to help live on, too.

    Honestly, if you go to a university in state, you really, really should be able to get enough loans and grants to pay for classes, books, and living expenses. Not to mention the possibility of work study. Education is so crazy accessible, even with bad credit. Good luck and don't be afraid to call up college financial aid offices and ask for help!

  6. A bankruptcy and massive debt will affect your ability to get private student loans (those are evil and you shouldn't anyway, if they are even still legal), but will not affect your ability to get federal financial aid. Just fill out the FAFSA and, if you have little to no income, you'll qualify for not only federal subsidized/unsubsidized loans but also grants such as the Pell Grant and other state grants.

    If school is something you want, go for it. Who knows, depending on the school, you might be able to live in the dorms and that would neatly take care of two problems facing you! Some schools (I wish mine did) also offer cheap-ish student health insurance. So, go for it. You don't have much to lose by it.

  7. (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) I really wish there was something I could to to help.....

  8. Why are you going to be homeless in LA?

  9. you can still get student loans after bankruptcy. you'll be fine.

  10. I hope things look up soon, Heidi. I'm sure they will. If you do have to put the cats into a shelter make sure it truly is no-kill - a lot of supposed "no-kill" shelters just take in everything and ship off the excess to kill shelters once they become full. :(

  11. Heidi,

    I am a financial aid advisor for D---- University. You will qualify for student loans with or without a bankruptcy or bad credit. Student loans do not require a credit check, a co-signer, or anything of that nature. It's actually kind of scary, but that's how 17 year olds get financial aid. You should also qualify for federal Pell Grant based on the little bit I know of your finances. There potentially are California state grants for you too. Honestly, I say apply for the FAFSA, see what happens. If you want I can help you apply and interpret the results :)

    Good luck!

  12. Heidiiiiii

    What the hellllllllllllllllllll.

    This sucks.

    But nice tattoo.

    It makes me feel so much better to see other people with stretch marks on their shoulders. It really does. You have no idea.

    I hope everything works out. I can't believe it.

    Like I said: What the hellllllllllllllllll.

  13. Oh honey, I'm so sorry. If I lived out there, I'd so have room for you. What happened to Groove?

    Check this out for advice on living out of a car:

    I'm thinking about healthy eating, but I don't know if I can come up with anything. Are you looking for cooking ideas? Ways to cook? I can't remember if you have food stamps or not. Let me give this some thought...

  14. Have you looked into staying at the YMCA, when you have to move out? I've done it, and while it isn't great the one I stayed at was reasonably clean. You said you were putting your bigger stuff-bed, etc. into storage. You could keep the necessary stuff in the trunk of the car.