Attack of the Sugar Monster!

2012-02-22T13:07:00.000-06:00

So, I've been meaner lately. No, not meaner. Just, less likely to take shit. And you know...it feels pretty awesome! I had no idea! I'm not letting myself be belittled or pushed around anymore and it feels incredible! Hello, backbone, it's awfully nice to meet you!

I talked to some lawyers re: bankruptcy. Lawyer #1 made me feel immediately at ease.

Me: I'm really nervous.
Lawyer: Why are you nervous?
Me: I'm just afraid you're going to look at my paperwork and think I'm the most horrible and irresponsible person who ever lived.
Lawyer: I've been doing this 32 years and have never seen anything that surprised me. Some people are in this position because they make stupid decisions. But most? Things come up. People have medical bills. Cars break down. Jobs are lost. You help out family. You lend money to friends who never pay you back.

I almost started crying because that's exactly what happened. When I was filling out the paperwork I realized how many thousands of dollars were medical bills. Some of it was pure stupidity. But a lot of it was just life falling apart and shit coming up.

We talked for awhile. He says I'm the perfect candidate and it would be harmless once we filed. I asked him, “Okay, this may be a weird question but... If I go ahead with this, is there any way I can send you money as I have it? Because I know me; I'm not good having money in my possession!” And he said there absolutely was. We could easily set up a trust account for that very purpose.

I went to see Lawyer #2 for more advice and a price comparison. Ugh. He ended up scaring the shit out of me with completely false information. Thankfully I ran it by Lawyer #1 and Google, Esq and found out he was being completely inaccurate. Fucker.

So, I'm going with Lawyer #1. I basically need to come up with $1,000.

If you have any desire to buy sex toys or something from Shana Logic, using the links to your right would be incredibly helpful for me. As would using my Amazon Affiliate Link. I should make a button for that. Or, if you're interested in advertising, that'd be a huge help as well! I turned down advertising from a few weight loss websites but have applied for a few places I like so hopefully those go through soon.

I'm going to set up the trust account with his office and just chuck extra money at it whenever I can. My goal is to file by the end of the year. Fingers crossed!

My dating life is...interesting. I'll update you when I know what the hell is going on myself.

My pain has been really out of control lately. Getting back to exercising and doing my physical therapy regularly will help a lot, I'm sure.

I start DBT tomorrow. Since writing about it quite a few people have said that it changed/saved their lives. So I'm optimistic. Nervous but optimistic. I've decided that, even if it's difficult, I'm staying with it for a year. It's The Year of Heidi, damn it!

2012-02-12T16:41:00.000-06:00

I might have found a place to do some volunteer work. She was incredibly excited when I told her I'd been the office manager for a nonprofit in Los Angeles and that I'd done grant writing for several others. Apparently she desperately need some help in the office since all of her other volunteers are out in the field. It's an organization that provides advocacy for abused children in the court system. I meet with her tomorrow to see if it'll be a good fit.

Two bankruptcy consultations next week. Dreading but it's necessary. Sweet merciful Jesus, the paperwork! One of the consult packets alone was 53 pages! I just filled them out to the best of my ability. Credit reports are fucking complicated to understand when you have a shit ton of creditors. And fuck were there a lot of medical and hospital bills on there. Even back from when I had private insurance that shit was piling up. Sigh. Well, we'll see what happens. And how long it takes to save up to file.

I think I'm going to take more pictures. Nude and not. I really need to normalize my body to myself. And I think photographing it will help a lot. So expect to see some. Er, clothed, of course. I've said this before buy shyness and self loathing got the better of me. Time to fight that shit a little harder.

DBT

2012-02-06T19:06:00.000-06:00

I met with my therapist today and explained to her the realization I had. In the past, all of my therapists have had me while I was in survival mode. I've never dealt with my parents or my childhood or my shitty relationships or my fucked up view of myself. And that's what I want to do. So we're going to work on that. She suggested that I start attending their DBT group. Even though it's for people with borderline personality disorder, she feels I could get a lot out of it.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a system of therapy originally developed by Marsha M. Linehan, a psychology researcher at the University of Washington, to treat people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice. … Research indicates that DBT also effective in treating patients who present varied symptoms and behaviors associated with spectrum mood disorders, including self-injury. Recent work suggests its effectiveness with sexual abuse survivors and chemical dependency.

My therapist and I will be meeting weekly again and I start DBT at the end of the month. I'm scared. New people. New things. But I'm going to go. I want to change. I don't want to depend on others for my self worth of happiness anymore. I want to live a life that makes me proud and fulfilled. I want to live a life that matters.

2012-02-05T19:26:00.000-06:00

Do you know what my medication would cost me a month without insurance? $1,100. A month. Yeahhhhh. Good god, it costs a fortune to keep me functioning! You have no idea how much I appreciate Medicare. I'm thankful every time I take my drugs. Every single time. Sometimes, though, I wonder if it's worth it. If, based on a costs vs benefits analysis, my living would come out ahead. Yes, yes, anon, I know your thoughts on the matter. Hush.

I have consultations scheduled with two bankruptcy attorneys for this coming week. Which I find terrifying. I have no idea why. I guess because things are easier to ignore. La la la I don't see you! I can't actually afford bankruptcy but it'll be good to know what I'm saving towards.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I haven't seen her since before I went into the psych ward. I'm planning to start seeing her weekly and working on some of the shit in my past. This scares me but makes me hopeful.

A man I like very much – who lives in Atlanta – is, hopefully, coming to visit me at the end of the month. It'll make me very happy. And I like a happy Heidi!

2012-01-31T21:05:00.002-06:00

Books Read in January
Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
Pnin – Vladimir Nabokov
A Series of Unfortunate Events #1-13 – Lemony Snicket
American Gods – Neil Gaiman
Coraline – Neil Gaiman
The Colour of Magic – Terry Pratchett
The Girl Who Played with Fire – Stieg Larsson
The Graveyard Book – Neil Gaiman
A Storm of Swords – George RR Martin
Frankenstein – Mary Shelley (reread)
The Gunslinger – Stephen King (reread)
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto – Chuck Klosterman

TV Discovered in January
Criminal Minds
Flight of the Conchords
The Mighty Boosh
Sherlock

2012-01-28T11:53:00.002-06:00

Totally qualified to sell my plasma! If I go twice a week (the max allowed), it'll bring in a decent chunk of change after gas expenses. I've gone three times so far and the waiting takes foreverrrrr and they're really lacking in finesse when it comes to jabbing the needles in but I can read and listen to my mp3 player so it's manageable. The random annoying thing is they don't want you to fall asleep during the removal so you're not allowed to keep your eyes closed. Which sucks because the shit would go by a lot faster if I was allowed to just close my eyes and listen to music.

I'm going to try to find somewhere to volunteer in that area. So the drive will be more of a two birds, one stone type thing.

I'm trying super hard to be more social. I've been isolating hard core for months but I'm trying to change that. I went out with a group of friends last night and it was awesome. And I had an amaaaazing makeout session last weekend. Amazing. Like, the best I've ever had. It was lovely. He and I have hung out a few times and I dig him so I'm hoping for a repeat session soon.

I saw my psychiatrist. I told her about my severe apathy and isolation. She upped both of my antidepressants so I have my fingers crossed.

Things are...alright. Like, I think I can do better and get shit together. I'm hopeful. I think it's going to be okay.

Updateyness

2012-01-16T18:47:00.000-06:00

Group of little boys playing outside:
Several at once: I like your hair!
Boy 1: Do you have a boyfriend?
Boy 2: You look like Nicki Minaj!

Ha!

My landlady has lowered my rent a little and has said that we'll talk in a few months and, if she's doing better financially, she'll lower it a bit more. She really doesn't want me to leave. I got my internet lowered and switched to a cheaper phone plan. I go tomorrow to see if I qualify to sell plasma. Slowly chipping away! It'll be tight but I can make it. At least until summer when the power bill will shoot up. But I can work with that. And I'll keep looking for a new roommate.

I'm happy I don't have to move. I really want to create a home I love and I never feel able to do that if I don't feel stable.

My friend and I are working on What You Really Really Want together. And then will do Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance after that. Self help buddies!

2012-01-11T11:33:00.000-06:00

My exhaustion has been really bad. Worse than usual. In addition to heightened pain. It scares me. I don't know what's up. I'm apathetic, not interested in socializing, have trouble getting out of bed, and a few other shitty things that make me think my antidepressants aren't working so well. I see my psychiatrist at the end of the month so I'll see what she thinks. The depression is there and I fucking hate it. I just want to cry because I don't know what's wrong with me.

I haven't found a new roommate yet. Financially that's kinda dicking me. I made an appointment for next week to see if I qualify to sell plasma. That would help if it's do-able. We shall see. I'm taking a lot of iron and drinking a lot of water and am crossing my fingers!

I'm currently reading Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book and am loving it so much. And I finally watched Sherlock with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman and holy god, it's so so so good! I need more episodes immediately!

Nothing much to update as I've been having trouble leaving the house, much less doing anything worth talking about. Hopefully my visit with the psychiatrist will help things.

2012-01-06T13:50:00.000-06:00

Nothing makes me happy the way new hair does.

A dress I got for my birthday. I love it so much.

Things are...okay? My roommate is moving out this weekend and I've yet to find a replacement. Which really fucks me over financially. I talked to my landlady and she really wants me to stay. To the point that she's willing to lower the rent. We're supposed to talk in a couple of weeks (assuming I still haven't found a roommate) about how low she can go and whether or not I can afford to stay. My lease doesn't end until May so... Hopefully it works out.

I have so much to do but have no energy. I'm thinking I'm in the middle of a fibro flare due to that and the pain. Blech.

I've been reading a lot. Do you have a Good Reads account? If so, we should be friends!

2012-01-03T14:51:00.000-06:00

I made this to be my desktop wallpaper.

Only you can define what self-care is for you. Only you know what makes you feel safe and secure and accepted and strong and lovely. Only you know what makes you feel alive.

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T19:24:00.002-06:00

2011 was a hard year. It started out well but kind of rocketed into terrible by the end. Obviously I'll remember this year as the one when my mother died. And that alone is enough to write the year off as a disaster. Then add on the week and a half spent in the psych hospital....

But there was good too. You all sent me to California. And, because of that, I was able to hold my mom's hand one last time and say goodbye to her. I will never be able to find the words capable of expressing what that means to me. You gave me something that I will never be able to adequately thank you for.

You give me hope. You give me faith in myself. You give me strength. You make me believe I'm capable of more than I can imagine.

Thank you. I hope your next year is filled with excitement and adventure and love and joy and self acceptance.

Goals for 2012

2011-12-27T18:43:00.000-06:00

SCHOOL

Attend Southern Union in fall

MENTAL HEALTH

Work on Feeling Good Handbook
Work on What You Really Really Want book
Deal with past in therapy – once a week at least
Take medications daily – do NOT let them run out
Work on loving myself more

PHYSICAL HEALTH

Continue with the Fat Nutritionist
Create and implement a food plan for healthier/saner eating
Create and implement an exercise plan
Physical therapy on a daily basis
New glasses

FINANCES

Find out about declaring bankruptcy

LIFE IN GENERAL

Begin volunteering
Visit a new state (0/1)
Read at least two books per month (0/24)

SELF-CARE

Get one tattoo (0/1)
Get one piercing (0/1)
Bleach and dye hair four times (0/4)

HOME

Clean out master bedroom
Clean out junk drawer
Clean out closet
Clean out kitchen
Clean out bathroom
Create a bedroom I love

SOCIAL LIFE

Create a list for an ideal partner
Stop dating/boning assholes

CODEPENDENCY

Say NO to sex when I don't want it
Ask for what I want in bed
Set some boundaries
Stop feeling so damn guilty about everything

A Letter #2

2011-12-26T18:50:00.002-06:00

Dad:

I never called you that. Never. Did you notice? I just couldn't bring myself to taint that word by using it on you. Did you notice those times you forced me to say it how hard it was? How I spit it out like poison? You weren't a father, a dad, a daddy. You weren't the things I wanted.

Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck you for everything you ever did to me. I hate you. God, I fucking hate you.

You made me despise my body before I was old enough to read. You taught me how to make myself throw up after I ate and to hate myself when I got fat anyway. You said nobody would love me if I gained weight. And I believed you. You told me YOU wouldn't love me if I gained weight. And I believed you. I can never remember a time when I didn't hate myself and the way I looked. Never. My entire conscious memory is one filled with self-loathing. God, how I hate you for that.

You touched me. You molested me. You fucking molested me. I flinched every time you touched me, whether it was sexual or not. God, I hated your hands. You laughed. You laughed when you held me down in scalding water and listened to me scream. You laughed when I bled. Somehow it was all made worse by the fact that you were completely sober when you hurt me. That it wasn't a drunken rage. It was cold and calculated and you enjoyed every second of it.

For 10 years you touched me and when I finally asked the authorities for help you simply denied it and they believed you. I was just some crazy liar, looking for attention. I didn't even want you to get in trouble. I told them because I wanted therapy – because I thought of suicide every moment of every day. I just wanted help. Do you understand what I just said? You molested me for a decade and I still felt guilty when I told on you. I was terrified that something bad would happen to you. I should have been stronger. I should have been able to deal with this shit on my own. God forbid you be punished for what you did to me. For destroying me.

Men have terrified me my entire life. I avoided sex like the plague until I was in my 20s. I have trouble dating because I can't believe anyone would want to be with me. When I do date they tend to be assholes who use me or fuck me up in one way or another because that's all I think I deserve. I'm clingy and desperate because you taught me I had to earn love. I don't know how to take care of myself because you taught I don't deserve to. I have no boundaries because you ripped them down and burned them.

God, what did I do to make you hate me so much? You had to have hated me to have done what you did. I remember, a few years ago, you telling me you loved me. And I froze because I couldn't remember you ever having said that before. After a few seconds of silence I whispered, “I love you too.” And I realized I meant it. It had been years since you touched me and our relationship was...fine? Nothing more than saying hi as we passed in the hall but that was still the best it had ever been. It wasn't a lie. After everything you'd done to me, I realized I still felt love for you. It was simple and basic...the kind of love I have for strangers...but it still existed.

I never wanted you to be miserable. I used to wish I'd one day have the money to take care of you and mom. To buy you a house up north. To make sure you'd never have to worry again. I just wanted you to be happy. Something I never saw you be. The both of you were so unhappy and emotionally disturbed and I just wanted you to escape that.

Your death was the first time I ever felt safe. But I'm still sorry it happened. I remember every moment. Especially the smell of gunpowder. And the blood. God, why did you have to do it when I was in the next room? When you knew I'd be the one to find you. People say suicide is a selfish act. But I didn't see you as being selfish. I've been in that mindset too many times to hate you for following through. I'm sorry you felt that desperate. To some degree, I blame myself. As I always do. I think of the millions of ways things might have been different. But they're not and never will be. I'm sorry you felt that was the only way. And I'm sorry I found so much relief in your decision. But I did. I wasn't scared, for the first time in my life.

You killed yourself and I felt free.

But your death also meant the end of hope. Hope for a relationship with you. Hope that, one day, it would magically be all better. Hope that you'd suddenly become sane and healthy. Hope that you'd be proud of me and I'd be the daughter you wanted. Hope that you'd be the father I needed. But that was never going to happen. Alive or dead, nothing would change. If you lived to be a hundred, the past would never be erased.

You fucked me up in more ways than I can list. You made me broken and empty. You made me scared...so fucking scared. Of everything and everyone. But it's time to heal. You took my past and I can't let you have my future. I won't let you have my future.

Heidi

2011-12-20T20:41:00.000-06:00

My friend summed things up really well for me:

I was catching up on some of your recent blog entries. I think your plan to start working on some deeper issues is a good one. This is just my observation, but it just seems like you've been pushed from crisis to crisis this past couple of years. And now that you're in a more secure position, in some respects, you can really work on some of the deeper stuff.

In 2007 i think it was, you had the WLS. Then quite soon after that you had the gigantic move of doom. You finally deal with all that crap and the hoarding issues and your crazy parents...then you lose your job. Then your father's suicide, then your mum got really bad, then finances imploding. You just have not caught a break in the last four fucking years. You were, and i think you still are, in survival mode.

...

Stability is something you never had as a child so it's something you crave now.

I think I’ve spent so long finding growth and strength as a result of pain and misery that I’ve forgotten that love and joy and ecstasy can be forms of empowerment. Maybe even more so than the sadness I’ve defined myself by.

A Letter #1

2011-12-13T20:42:00.001-06:00

Dear Mama:

I hate you. I hate you for marrying him. I hate you for staying married to him. I hate you for knowing what he did to me and doing nothing. I hate you for allowing him to hurt me. I hate you for allowing him to touch me. I hate you for not protecting me. I hate you for lying and protecting him when I finally told the police what had been happening for the last 10 years. I hate you for telling social services that I “misunderstood” his hands on my body almost as much as I hate them for believing you. I hate you for lying for him. I hate you for telling me I was more important than him only to sell me out to the authorities. I hate you for taking the easy way out instead helping me. I hate you for telling me he was a good man until I came along. I hate you for telling me day in and day out how much you despised him and I hate you for staying with him anyway, no matter how often I begged you to leave and take me with you. I hate you for not caring enough to make an effort. I hate you for not coming to my high school graduation because you “didn't feel like it.” I hate you for forgetting my birthdays. I hate you for not even getting me a card the times you did remember. I hate you for hoarding. I hate you for making me live in filth. I hate you because I couldn't allow anyone in the house and constantly had to lie to my friends as to why. I hate you for never giving me a home I could feel calm and safe in. I hate you for screaming so loudly and so constantly that I swallow my own anger out of fear of becoming you. I hate you for making me so afraid to speak up and express myself. I hate you for teaching me to put myself last. I hate you for teaching me to never ask for or accept help. I hate you for making me so fucking codependent. I hate you for screaming at and belittling me constantly. I hate that I couldn't even accidentally knock over a glass of water without getting the full force of your wrath. I hate you for screaming so constantly that loud noises scare me and it took 20 years to stop flinching every time anyone touched me. I hate you for screaming at and hitting him because it made me pity and defend someone who destroyed me. I hate that when you found out I was making myself throw up in elementary school you simply told me to stop and never mentioned it again. I hate you for knowing he taught me how to shove my fingers down my throat and doing nothing about it. I hate you for telling me, at six, that I was the only reason you didn't kill yourself because it made me feel responsible for you for the rest of your life. I hate you for crying over his death when you knew all the horrible things he'd done to me. I hate you for mourning him when you'd spent my entire life wishing him dead.

Oh god, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my anger. I'm sorry for my resentment. I'm sorry for your mental illness. I'm sorry you were depressed your entire life and never got help. I'm sorry you didn't think you were worth helping. I'm sorry you spent so many years wanting to die. I'm sorry you felt, for whatever reason, that you had to stay with him. I'm sorry you stayed at jobs where you weren't respected or appreciated. I'm sorry you were to afraid to go after what you wanted. I'm sorry you didn't think you were deserving of happiness. I'm sorry you had to deal with your husband committing suicide. I'm sorry you refused to talk to the therapists at the hospital, no matter how many times they tried. I'm sorry I had to leave you. I'm sorry you were alone. I'm sorry I couldn't afford to stay. I'm sorry I didn't call you more often. I'm sorry I couldn't hold you when you died. I'm sorry you hurt so badly for so long. I'm sorry your impending death scared me so much. I'm sorry I wasn't a better daughter. I'm sorry I didn't do more with my life. I'm sorry I didn't do anything to make you proud of. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

I love you. I do. I love you for those moments that were sane and quiet and calm. I love you for all the books in the house. I love you for loving and accepting me when I came out. I love you for telling me you were proud of me even when I couldn't see why. I love you for the millions of times you helped me dye my hair even though you hated doing it. I love you for taking care of me physically when I couldn't take care of myself. I love you for having better intentions than your actions would show. I love you for teaching me how to give to others. I love you for thinking I was worth so much more than you were capable of giving me. I love you for loving me the best you could.

I need to forgive you.

I need to forgive myself.

Because I can't move forward until I let go of this anger and guilt that's weighed me down for decades.

And this? This is a start.

I love you,
Heidi

Change

2011-12-11T13:52:00.000-06:00

I hope, I hope, I hope.

While I was in the psych ward, it occurred to me that I've been in therapy for over five years and have yet to deal with my past. It's always been getting through the present. I never dealt with my childhood abuses, my shitty relationships with men, my dad's suicide, my boyfriend's suicide, my mom's death, my eating disorders, my lifelong self loathing... It's just about surviving the now instead of dealing with the shit that's causing my fucked up decisions and self hatred in the first place. And I want that to change. It's time.

But how does one do that? How does one fix their broken parts? I just don't know if therapy is enough. But it's all I have so I might as well get as much out of it as possible. I bought The Feeling Good Handbook awhile back because it was recommended to me by numerous therapists who suggested cognitive behavior therapy to help me.

I'm 33. It's time to create a life I want. A life I can be proud of. It's time I become a person I can be proud of. Someone emotionally/physically healthy and functioning. Someone I can love. And, maybe if I start, I can even learn to love myself along the way.

2011-12-06T16:17:00.000-06:00

Even though it's way late, we have a winner for the autographed copy of What You Really Really Want!

Awhile back I went to Atlanta and got to spend some time with Pam and Laurah. It was awesome and the food was incredible.

Last night I went to Mel and Carter's for delicious food and tree decorating.

I'm going to try to be more social. I am, I am, I am. I turn 33 tomorrow and that's one of my goals for the year.

Release

2011-12-02T17:59:00.001-06:00

So. I'm free. As I said, I checked myself into a psych ward just before Thanksgiving. I...I wasn't doing well.

I have to tell you, the psych hospital I was in a few years ago? Was the fucking PLAZA, by comparison. The previous hospital was like a goddamn vacation. This recent place was hard-core, maximum-security lockdown. No shoelaces, no pens, no plastic knives. No floss! No pencils without supervision! We were allowed so little that I couldn't help but frequently spend my time playing the game: What Could I Use in This Room to Hurt Myself or Others?

I was the only person there of my own volition. Everyone else had been put there by the courts, either brought in by their families or the police. The first act of physical violence happened soon after I got there. I was the only one not schizophrenic. You think there'd be some variety of crazy but nope. Schizophrenic, every last one of them. Do you know how to cause pandemonium? Tell a room full of schizophrenics that their hallucinations and delusions aren't real. One of the therapists led a group explaining/defining schizophrenia and it erupted into complete chaos! Also, oddly, most of the patients were crack addicts/users.

Towards the end of my stay, my roommate – who I thought was simply depressed – had a complete schizophrenic breakdown and proceeded to keep me up all night talking to herself, screaming, throwing things, threatening to kill people, seeing the devil, hearing god speak to her... At that point, I wanted the fuck out. It was bad enough when she was just a racist homophobe who wanted to bring me to Jesus but at least she was quiet when she was in the room!

The time there was just...man. It was so loud and so bright that I could barely stand it. It made me panicky as fuck. Once the meds canceled out my desire to self harm/commit suicide, being there just made me anxious, frustrated, and pissed off. And, oh god, bored. Even with three group sessions a day plus some activities, most of my time was spent watching crappy TV. I did read some, though...that was nice.

Therapists mentioned prayer and Christianity. The group “therapy” sessions were pretty pointless the majority of the time. I only had individual therapy twice the entire time I was there. I was told to simply “love myself.” And I just wanted to scream, “OH MY FUCKING GOD! I NEED BETTER DRUGS AND ACTUAL THERAPY, NOT PRAYER AND PLATITUDES!!!” I wanted to leave so badly after the first few days but stayed because I knew I wasn't ready to go – I would just end up back at home, in bed, sobbing and wanting to die. I wasn't willing to risk that so I stayed, as miserable as I was.

I was released today. They said, initially, I'd probably have to stay at least two weeks. Which would have meant being there on my birthday and I just did not want that to happen. So I'm really grateful that they saw my progress and let me go early. I mean, even if I do nothing on my birthday, it's better than doing nothing in a goddamn psych ward!

All the bad shit aside, I actually am glad I went. It was hard and exhausting and stressful but I was in a bad place that probably would have ended horribly. And my new meds are working well. And I cried a lot. And I was safe. And I realized I desperately need to deal with a lot of shit in my past. So I'm going to make a list and bring it to my therapist.

Speaking of lists, I need to make another one. I really need to figure out what I'm going to do now that I'm home. Aside from trying to make sure I never have to go back.

2011-12-01T14:45:00.001-06:00

I checked myself into the psychiatric ward just before Thanksgiving. I'm currently on a 24-hour pass. I should be released tomorrow or the next day. Just letting you know I'm still alive and am doing better. Tweaking/upping my meds seems to have helped a lot. I'll update you more in a few days.

2011-11-23T02:53:00.004-06:00

I'm still alive and kicking. I feel better. Ish. Very ish. The suicidal/self harm desires are still there but not to the same extreme. My therapist and I talked. She says I don't know how to experience pain without becoming suicidal and she's absolutely right. All the beds in their psych ward are taken. But if it gets as bad as it was the last few days, I'll just go to the ER...as miserable as that promises to be.

I just...I didn't think grief would feel like this. I didn't think it would hurt so much. I thought grief is what I'd been feeling the last couple of years and I'd feel mostly relief when she finally let go. I didn't expect this crippling pain. I didn't expect this depression spiral to go so deep. I didn't expect this. I guess you never can.

Thank you. For your love. Your support. Everything.

Breaking

2011-11-21T09:27:00.000-06:00

Saturday night it hit me.

My mom is dead.

I spent most of a two hour drive home crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. I felt so empty and alone. It really was a bad night and I have no idea what triggered the realization but it hit and it hit hard. I've been in bed for two days, crying. I don't know how to handle this. Is this grief or depression? I don't know what's normal.

The flip-flopping between emotions is so exhausting.

I'm trying so hard. But failing so badly. Please don't hate me for being weak.

Heathen

2011-11-18T19:42:00.000-06:00

God, you guys, I'm awash with vitamins! Thank you so much!!! I won't have to worry about it for months and that is such a weight off. Thank you so so so much.

RE: OKCupid
Me: I never know if I should even bother contacting the Jesus-y ones. Christian is one thing the ones who list “Christianity - and SERIOUS about it.” Or the Bible as their favorite book.
Sarra: I wouldn't. I mean, what could come out of it? You're a godless heathen fuck machine.
Sarra: Put THAT in your profile.

Tomorrow I get to see Pam and Laurah! See, I'm trying to social. And after our dinner at Holy Taco (I dare you to look at the menu and not touch yourself) I'm heading to a play party with a kink group I've never been to before. So that's making me nervous. But I'll know one person; a very sweet man I'm very interested in who I can't wait to see again.

I biked for an hour yesterday. I painted my nails and used a body scrub. I changed the quote written on my mirror.

Caring for myself is not self-indulgence. It is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare. - Audre Lorde

2011-11-18T04:18:00.000-06:00

1. John Waters is Simply Divine 2. Turtle Bike Bell 3. Opened Ziploc Baggie Bowl
4. Kitten Plugs 5. Watermelon Lace Party Dress 6. Erlenmyer Flask & Test Tubes Necklace
7. Bad Day on the High Seas paint by numbers 8. Ron Swanson Keychain 9. Sweet Tooth T-Shirt
10. Cuckoo Clock Brooch 11. Dayman: Fighter of the Nightman T-Shirt 12. 8-Bit Holiday Wreath

Fuck Shame with Jaclyn Friedman

2011-11-16T06:45:00.000-06:00

I talk with Jaclyn Friedman – author of What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety and editor of Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape – about kink, porn, boundaries, pubic hair, and the fucking of shame.

Fuck Shame with Jaclyn Friedman on vimeo,

[This post is a stop in Jaclyn’s blog tour about her new book, What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety. Be sure to check out yesterday’s stop at Yes Means Yes and her next stop tomorrow at Our Bodies, Our Blog.]

For my participation, I received two autographed copies of the book. And one of them is going to be yours!

In this empowering, accessible guide, Jaclyn Friedman—co-editor of Yes Means Yes—gives young women the tools to decipher the modern world’s confusing, hypersexualized, sometimes dangerous landscape so they can define their own sexual identity. Friedman decries the hypocrisy and mixed messages of our culture (we’re failures if we don’t act sexy, but we’re sluts if we actually pursue sex; we need to be protected from rapists lurking in bushes, but deserve “whatever we get” if we have a drink at a party and wear a skirt), and encourages readers to separate fear from fact, decode the damaging messages all around them, and discover a healthy personal sexuality.

Educational and interactive, What You Really Really Want includes revealing quizzes, creative exercises, and reality-based advice about sex and sexuality today. With Friedman’s informed advice to guide them, readers will build new skills for safely expressing their sexuality with lovers and explore effective ways to talk about tricky issues with family and friends—and learn how to make the world a little safer for everyone else’s sexuality along the way.

How to Enter
♥ Leave a comment telling me what you're hoping to get out of this book.

Additional Entries
♥ Post about this giveaway on your blog/website/facebook/tumblr/etc. You get one entry for each post you make. Limit one per site.

♥ Tweet about it! Limit one tweet per day for three days.

Specifics
♥ Make sure you include your email address in all entries.

♥ Create a separate comment for every one of your entries. Example: you post about it on facebook and tweet it three times. That means you need to make four comments on here, linking to each one. I'll be using a random number generator so if they're all batched together in one comment, they'll only count as one. Make sense?

♥ This contest is open to everyone, anywhere and will be shipped from me.

♥ This contest will end Wednesday November 23rd at midnight EST.

♥ Good luck!

If you don't want to risk not having this amazing book in your life you can go buy your own copy of What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety! And, while you're at it, get Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape! For yourself and others in your life!

Thank you, Jaclyn, for an awesome experience!

A Day in Atlanta

2011-11-13T14:01:00.001-06:00

I had big plans this weekend! And then had the crushing realization that I'd taken on more than I can manage. But first the good!

After getting totally lost and having to have a concierge direct me to the hotel, I met Michaela!!!

She was in Atlanta with the National Women's Studies Association's annual conference. We ate lunch, we wandered around the hotel, we hung out in her room, she snuck me into a panel on fat studies she was moderating where I ran into none other than Hanne Blank; whose book signing I was attending in a few hours.

Knowing me and my shyness all too well, Michaela said, “Heidi! Have you introduced yourself to Hanne yer!?” Ducking my head, I squeaked, “No...” She remembered the video I made in praise of Big, Big Love so that made me happy. She was so awesome and bad ass and nice that it just delighted me. I was all swoony.

The panel was really interesting and I'm really thinking about trying to go to the conference next year. It'll be held in Oakland and I have so many people in that area that I need/want to visit. ½ a dozen off the top of my head! Maybe I can make that happen. We shall see.

A few hours later we were all going to the Big, Big Love signing. The group was taking a cab and I was driving myself because I had dinner plans straight afterward. I got so unbelievably hella lost in downtown Atlanta. I was so late and my joint pain was so out of control (and oh my god my shoe was making it feel like my right pinky toe was about to fall off) and I'd already met Ms Hanne earlier that I just decided to give up. Michaela was nice enough to say yes when I begged her to get a book signed for me. Did I tell you I loved Michaela? Because I totally did. She's so sweet and smart and inspiring and knowledgeable and welcoming! I tend to get really nervous around new people and shut down/not speak but I felt comfortable with her immediately. I was reserved still, of course, but nowhere near crazy-shy Heidi!

Then I headed on an hour drive further outside of Atlanta and (say it with me) got lost again. But, luckily, the friend of a friend I was meeting was able to direct me to his house. He made me the best steak I've ever had. Ever. As well as grilled Portabello mushrooms and zucchini and mashed acorn squash.

It was after 1am before our conversation and ass whoopin' ended. I took some Ambien and collapsed in his guest room for a few hours. I woke around 5 and got up around 7 and, having been told to help myself to anything in the fridge I had steak and mashed squash for breakfast. Oh, hells yes, I sure did! Headed home a few hours later.

By the time I got home, around noon, I was hurting so fucking badly. Not from the beating but from the conference walking and chairs and from that stupid toe-squashing shoe and general fibro and back/hip pain. And the two+ hour car ride felt like a million.

I was supposed to go to dinner with a friend and then to a kink party and hour+ away but I was so tired and so sick of driving and so sore that I canceled on both and just snuggled in bed in sweats and didn't regret a single second of my sloth! I'm realizing that, right now, I can manage one day of activity in a weekend. Two is just impossible for me. And that's okay...I just need to plan better. And not beat myself up for having limits. Which I do, constantly. I would never think less of someone else for skipping something because they could barely stand yet I do of myself. It's ridiculous.

I'm sad I didn't get a geeky picture with Hanne Blank but there's always next time!

So that was my weekend. And in just a few hours I'll be doing something that will be posted on here Wednesday. I'm really excited about it.

Next weekend I have one day/night of fun planned so I think I can handle it! And I will wear different shoes. And I will make out with someone awesome, damn it!

Distraction

2011-11-09T11:19:00.000-06:00

I have a busy weekend coming up. Friday I'm heading to Atlanta where I'm having lunch with an online friend who's in town for a conference, then a second date with a very nice man, then the book signing for Big, Big Love, and then coffee with a friend of Amanda's. Saturday is Korean food with a friend and possibly going to a kink party. Sunday I'll be doing something nifty that will end up on this site next week.

Next Saturday I'm heading back to Atlanta to see Pam, who is also in town for a conference. Then maybe a kink party after that if I feel up to it.

I'm trying really hard to be more social. Can you tell? The pain killers help with that as well.

Pictures. I need to remember to take pictures of everything.

I got the address for the hospice center that took care of my mom so I can send them money in the future. They did so much for her. And for me.

2011-11-08T03:09:00.000-06:00

Thank you so much for your kind comments. You all make me cry happy tears. You make me feel loved and cared for. You make me feel like I can survive this. You make me feel like I can do anything.

I'm...okay. Still very much in the she's-no-longer-in-pain place. The last week of her life, they quadrupled her morphine. Things were getting bad...very bad. Her pain is over now. And if I focus on that, I can handle this.

I'm trying hard to focus on self-care because I let that fall by the wayside months ago. I'm trying. Taking my meds, etc.

In that vein, I've started biking again. And by that I mean using my little pedaler. I love that thing. I've been biking 30 to 45 minutes a day...which surprised me, frankly. I hadn't done it in many months but I kicked some ass. I started by telling myself I would go for five minutes. And, the next thing I knew, a half hour had passed. I'm able to do this stuff because my doctor back in California prescribed me pain killers. I'm hoping that if I explain this to my doctor here, he'll be willing to do the same. I want to use the pain killers to enable me to work on my body and get it to a point where I no longer need them. I wish he'd understand that.

I have some exciting stuff coming up in the next couple of weekends. New adventures and meeting new people. And I'm terrified but I'm going ahead anyway. I don't want fear to stop me. Not anymore.

2011-11-05T17:39:00.000-05:00

She died.

When the gut-wrenching sobbing stops and I can breathe again, I'm going to go outside.

I'm going to sit on my back porch, look up at the stars, and tell her I love her. I'm going to cry to her and beg her forgiveness and give her mine. I'm going to make her promises and vows. I'm going to tell her that her life was worthy and meaningful.

For five minutes I'm going to believe in an afterlife.

For five minutes I'll let logic and reality crumble under a breaking heart.

For five minutes I'll be nothing but a little girl who needs her mommy.

For five minutes I'm going to believe she can hear me.

For five minutes we'll be together again.

And everything will be alright.

2011-11-04T19:34:00.000-05:00

Thank you all so much. Your comments make me cry from your kindness and compassion. I don't know why you see the things in me that you do but it means everything to me.

As suggested, I added my vitamins to my Amazon wishlist. No pressure, ever.

This is the wall above my bed.

And these are my octopus plugs.

These things make me happy.

Update

2011-11-02T20:06:00.000-05:00

Hospice care has taken on her case. They go to the nursing home she's in and spend time with her, do extensive pain management, and are doing all they can to make her time as less painful and difficult as possible. They bring in their own nurses and social workers for her. They've been so kind to me and I can tell they truly care. I'm glad they're looking after her.

I've been...spiraling. Some days I'm okay, I can handle this, I can survive this and grow. Other days I have to list reasons to not end things. Some days I think I need to be locked away for my own safety. Others I think, when it happens, the relief will overshadow the pain. I don't know.

I'm oddly impressed with myself. Like, I haven't hidden from this shit by cutting, drinking, pills, dating, or sex. But I have been smoking weed. Honestly, the only reason I've survived a few days this past week is weed. It calms me down and stops the panic attacks and overwhelming depression. So I guess I am still self-medicating. Maybe seeing it as an improvement is short-sighted. Who knows. I get through the days and that's the best I can do.

I'm not taking the greatest care of myself. Not eating, isolating, etc. And, for some random reason, it occurred to me that I haven't been taking all the vitamins I should. After weight loss surgery you're supposed to be vigilant with your vitamins and I failed. I take some but not all. And haven't in...two years? So that can't be helping the way I feel physically. So I made a list. And even though they're expensive and I can't really afford it, I'm going to buy them. And take them. It's small but it's something.

When my mom dies, I really will only have myself to live for, to grow for, to succeed for. I hope I can believe I'm worth it.

Pumpkin Carving

2011-10-27T12:07:00.000-05:00

I wrote this up right before everything started happening. But it was a damn good night so I'm going to give us both a break from the sad and post it now.

I carved pumpkins for the first time ever! I've been wanting to do it since I was a little kid and the time was finally here! It was much slimier and way more complicated than I could have anticipated.

The Four Stages of Heidi Carving Pumpkins for the First Time Ever

As completely warped and ridiculous as my pumpkins look – I fucked up so badly that I just hacked out the backs and started again on the other side – I display them proudly on my porch. Fully content with allowing my neighbors to believe children carved them. Awwww, they did a great job! Well done, kids!

(I used to delete photos of me in profile. But I won't do that anymore. Because by looking at them, I'll get used to them. And anything that helps normalize my body is a good thing.)

2011-10-26T19:48:00.000-05:00

It's because her being in pain rips out my soul.

It's because her entire life was misery and unmedicated psychological pain.

It's because – just like when I was six – I can't fix any of it.

It's because I can't hold her hand when she dies.

It's because I just want, even now, – just like when I was six – for her to be happy.

It's because I know she wanted more for me – a life unlike her own – but I fucked it up anyway.

It's because I've run out of time to do something for her to be proud of.

It's because I can't change of any of it.

But I can't stop her pain or make her happy, no matter what I do...I never could.

But I can't change the past.

But I can get the help she didn't.

But I can care about my health and choices.

But I can learn to take care of myself.

But I can take the chances she was too afraid to.

But I can demand better, even though she was never able to.

But I can create the life I want.

But I can make myself proud.

But I can change.

2011-10-25T18:34:00.000-05:00

She's severely critical. She's lost the ability to speak. They called to make sure I knew she was donating her body. I've been crying for two days straight. I saw my therapist today and we're talking about putting me in a psych hospital for a little bit. Because I've already started grieving and it's triggering my depression.

Her pain is killing me. Then I feel guilty and selfish because, oh god, her pain is so much worse than mine. And there's nothing I can do about it. And it's killing me. It's fucking killing me. And I don't even know if I'll feel worse or better when she's no longer in any.

Just Smile

2011-10-23T13:48:00.002-05:00

Mom's...hurting. So badly. They were working on moving her into a hospice since her prognosis is bleak, but none will take her because she has no money. Over 50 hospices denied her because she's on governmental assistance and that's less money than they're willing to accept. So they've had to place her back in the home she was at months ago. Which she hated. Where there have been arrests of staff for molesting patients. But this is what you do when you don't have good medical coverage – you take what you can get.

I just hope they keep her drugged up enough to deal with her pain. She's ready to die. The pain is so severe that she wants to die. And that's so hard to hear but I understand it and I don't begrudge her those feelings at all.

I sit on the phone with her and just listen to her crying and wishing for death. Suddenly I'm six again, watching her cry and hope for death. But this time I don't beg her to stop. This time her pain is in control and if she needs to let go, she should be able to let go.

It's amazing what seems reasonable. I think to myself that I should have stayed in LA and lived in my car for a year. Then I could be there for her. I could hold her hand. She wouldn't be alone.

Some friends point out that she wasn't always a good mother. She was abusive and damaging. She fucked me up in myriad ways. And I say, “I know but...she's my mom.” No matter what she did to me, I can't handle her being in pain. She's my only family. When she dies I'll be no one's daughter.

So I get in my car and I drive aimlessly. I drive aimlessly and cry and cry and cry. Ripping myself apart for not doing the impossible. Imagining never hearing her voice again. Thinking about the pain she must be in. I drive and I sob uncontrollably.

People ask how I am.

Eyes blank, forced smile, “Oh, I'm fine.”

Eyes blank, forced smile, “Oh, I'm fine.”

Eyes blank, forced smile, “Oh, I'm fine.”

A lie I learned to tell nearly three decades ago. And most believe it. Or pretend they do. Because some don't notice it's a lie. Because some don't want to intrude. Because some don't care. Because some don't want to deal with what's behind the mask. Because some trust me to tell them the truth. Because I've been telling the lie for so long that, to most people, it comes out flawlessly and without hesitation.

Eyes blank, forced smile, “Oh, I'm fine.”

Eyes blank, forced smile, “Oh, I'm fine.”

Eyes blank, forced smile, “Oh, I'm fine.”

NSfW - Sex Toy Review!

2011-10-18T11:53:00.001-05:00

Cheeky Toyfriend Vibrator
Dimensions: 6" long x 1.75" diameter at the widest point (15.24cm x 4.44cm).
Material: Silicone.
Bonus: Push-button stop and start – which you know I love. Waterproof. And batteries are included.

It's a bit short for self penetration if you have a belly like I do so I'm focused on clitoral stimulation.

I'm always a little wary of small, battery-operated vibrators. Being so used to the Magic Wand, I never expect much from anything else. But the Toyfriend has a really nice intensity and feel.

Eeeee! I think this toy is adorable! The color and shape just...I'm a huge fan. It reminds me of a tulip. And it also has a really lovely, silky feel to it.

It's super quiet, if that's an issue for you. Even at it's highest speed it's low volume.

It's not incredibly strong (5 hearts being the Hitachi Magic Wand) but I love that it has pulsation settings.

I think the varying strength and pulsations will help a lot and can take the place of more than one toy.

I love the idea of my partner being able to surprise me with different pulses and intensities.

This is a super sweet little toy. My one issue with it is the fact that the push-button didn't work a few times and I had to unscrew the top in order to turn it off. I'm going to chalk that up to a fluke with the one I have. It's not as strong as I'd like but with two speeds and three pulsation settings...you're bound to find something to get you off with the Cheeky Toyfriend Vibrator!

Halloween Comes Early

2011-10-17T16:18:00.003-05:00

I went to a Halloween party and dressed up for the first time ever! I won first prize in the costume contest!

Cruella de Vil, Cruella de Vil, if she doesn't scare you, no evil thing will...

(Included in the costume but not shown in the photos - a dalmatian puppy with a noose around it's neck.)

I'm hoping to do some more stuff for Halloween so I can wear the costume a few more times because I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. Since this party was hosted by a kink group, when it was my turn to step up and show my costume to the judges, I was able to say, “And my bra matches my capelet!” and prove it.

The book I was involved in - What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety - has been released! I can't wait to reread it and do all the exercises again. I got so much out of it the first time and know it'll help me even more to do them again. This book is incredible, I can't say enough good things about it!

Speaking of books I love, I also can't wait to read the revised edition of Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them). But I'm not buying that yet because I'm waiting to see if I can come up with the gas money to go to Atlanta in November in order to attend Hanne Blank's reading and signing of it. Super excited about that!

I'm still feeling good! I'm hurting physically but feeling good emotionally! So, you know, I can live with that.

NSfW - Sex Toy Review!

2011-10-17T09:12:00.000-05:00

Kinklab Neoprene Cuffs
Dimensions: Can fit up to 10”.
Material: Neoprene (latex-free), velcro, and nickel-free metal.
Bonus: These are big enough to even (possibly) fit your ankles and are only $14!

Flat out: these cuffs rocked. My two main concerns with cuffs are a) comfort and b) strength. Because I struggle a lot and nothing ruins the mood like being able to undo your own restraints.

My partners tied me to the table with rope attached to the cuffs and they proceeded to beat the shit out of me. I struggled hard and those cuffs held tight. At no point did they come loose or even give slightly. I didn't even hear the velcro tearing. They were also very comfortable as they're padded.

These cuffs are basic in black. The pink look hella cute and I'd definitely prefer those.

These cuffs are another toy that would be easily introduced into your play/relationship with your partner. They're non-threatening. And I think the fact that they're fabric makes them seem more relaxed and unassuming.

Aside from wishing they were a different color, I, honestly, can't think of anything wrong with these cuffs. They're not scary looking and will work really well for novices and experts alike. They're strong as hell and won't let you down...even if you or your partner likes to struggle as much as I do.

Whether you're a first timer interested in some light bondage or an old hand who needs some inexpensive but sturdy cuffs I think the Kinklab Neoprene Cuffs would be a great addition to your toy box.

Improving

2011-10-14T09:42:00.001-05:00

I know I've not been writing very often. If at all. The last six to eight weeks have just been really hard. First going back to California and then I was sick for three weeks. And depression was hitting hard. Because of both of those things I wasn't leaving the house and had nothing to really write about.

But I'm feeling so much better now. My anti-depressants have kicked back in (depression = no self care = no pills = depression = no self care...it's an endless fucking cycle) and, while in California, my former doctor prescribed me some pain killers so I'm actually able to physically function a lot better than before. I'm forcing myself to be more social. Even when I don't necessarily want to go out, I make myself do it anyway. Sometimes I leave early or have a meh time but I do it. Because isolating is so bad for me but it's also so easy for me to do. And the longer I isolate, the harder it is to stop.

I'd say that this week has been pretty good. I actually have energy and lower pain levels. I'm going to a Halloween party tomorrow. I'm dressing up and everything! I'm hoping to do a few more things for Halloween so I can wear my costume more than once. I'll take pictures!

Natalie drew me and it made me feel so giddy and pretty! I love my chubby pink cheeks!!

My One Year Alabamaversary

2011-10-12T05:46:00.003-05:00

Today marks one year of living in Auburn, Alabama. One year, exactly.

I decorated a Christmas tree for the first time and had my first stocking!

It was cold and I saw snow for the first time!

I made the most amazing friends ever!

I wrangled an opossum.

I saw fire spinning.

I let people see my legs.

I went sleeveless in public.

I went swimming! Sometimes even naked under the sun.

I ate homemade southern food.

I tasted fresh honeysuckle.

I wore dresses all summer!

I held a snake for the first time.

Sarra visited me from Seattle!

I went to Florida.

I went back to California because of the love and support of people who have never met me.

I received flowers from friends and from myself.

I saw beautiful skies.

I found a psychiatrist who knows his shit. I found a therapist who believes in me. I started working with The Fat Nutritionist. I was part of an amazing book on female sexuality. I applied to start at the community college in January. I got involved in the kink community. I'm a thousand times more social. I have a clean home and a bedroom I love. I no longer feel so attached to possessions. I decorated for Halloween. I dyed my hair a bunch of colors. I surrounded myself with amazing and kind people.

Honestly, I feel as if I should have accomplished more in the last 12 months. But I'm happy. And that's, really, the best thing I could have ever hoped for.

NSfW - Sex Toy Review!

2011-10-10T15:42:00.003-05:00

Rippler Dildo
Dimensions: 7 1/4” long x 1 7/8” diameter (18.4cm x 4.8cm).
Material: 100% silicone.
Care: Clean with soap and warm water. Silicone toys can be sterilized by boiling them for three minutes or running them through the top tier of your dishwasher (with no soap.)

This is a big boy. I needed to start with a smaller toy first and work up to it. And use a lot of lube. The ridges on this toy are ridiculous – they're so god damn good! But they're firm which is another reason that lube is a good idea. The curve is also really good at hitting the perfect spot.

It's beautiful. In addition to the purple, it's also available in emerald green and black. The colors, the ridges, the curve...this thing is a work of art.

The Rippler is too big for solo play in my world. As I've mentioned before, I generally reserve most of my toys for partner play.

My oh my. This is where the Rippler shines. This would be perfect in a harness (though you'd probably need a bigger O ring than usual or a nice stretchy rubber one) but is still hella fun without one. This is one hell of a toy if you want it rough. And, god knows, I want it rough.

If you like a big, thick, textured, perfectly curved cock...the Rippler Dildo is for you!

Today

2011-10-07T15:24:00.000-05:00

I feel sane and alive and awake for the first time in about six weeks. Since finding out how terminal my mom actually is. The depression hits hard and I try to remember to swallow my pills and I focus every ounce of emotional energy I have on not cutting or killing myself.

And I hate myself for hurting so badly. Even though I have every right to. Even though anyone would in my position. But I hate myself because I feel as if I fell all the way back to Point A. As if all of the progress I made was eradicated with a single phone call.

But today. Today I feel sane. Sane and optimistic. Food tastes good and I didn't feel like harming myself. And I whisper, “Please don’t let this go away. Please. Please. Please.”

My Love for Big Big Love

2011-09-27T13:52:00.000-05:00

In celebration of the revision and rerelease of Hanne Blank's Big Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them), I answered a Q&A for her on video.

I hope you do watch it and go buy yourself a copy. This book changed my life a decade ago and I still hold on tightly to so much of what I read in it. I'm even going to do my damndest to get my ass to Atlanta to have her autograph a copy of the new version for me in November.

Big Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them) was a life changer for me. I hope it is for you, as well.

2011-09-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

I've been sick as all hell since arriving home. Goddamn train germs! It's been a long time since I've been that sick. I still am but at least now I can function. Eesh.

I had a first date yesterday. He's from OKCupid and, by coincidence, knows Amanda. It went well and I'm cautiously optimistic.

I'm determined to dress up for Halloween for the first time this year! I'm doing something simple so I don't feel overwhelmed and panicky. And then some minor house decorating! Now I just have to make sure I force myself out of the house and to parties! No point in having that costume if I don't do anything with it.

Just checking in. I'm doing...alright. Working on getting back on track and into my schedules. It's harder than I expected it to be. But I'm trying to cut myself some slack.

Los Angeles

2011-09-19T20:04:00.001-05:00

“Baby...what are you doing here?”
“Visiting you.”
“But...what are you doing here?”
“You needed me. I came.”
“How?”
“The internet sent me!!”

Tasha!

Jen!

Sarah Katherine Lewis! We talked about her visiting me in Alabama and discussed collaborating on some writing. Eeeee it was so exciting!

I'll never wash this cheek again!

You should, seriously, own this book.

You should, seriously, own this book as well.

By complete coincidence, Jolene happened to be in town for a wedding. We haven't seen each other in years.

Keila!

Zabeth!

Zabeth and Greg! aka Casual Young Italians

She takes her pain medication now. She asks for more when it's not enough.

As always, more pictures on flickr.

Mama & Me - A Video

2011-09-14T04:46:00.000-05:00

Message from Mama from The Sugar Monster on Vimeo.

Medication

2011-09-13T00:39:00.000-05:00

She looked so much better. No crying, no moaning. Calm and quiet and like her old self.

“You're taking your medication, mama?”

“Yes, I am, I promise.”

“How're you feeling?”

“I'm... I'm so scared, baby. I get so scared, especially at night. I told them so they gave me medication for anxiety and that's helping.”

“I'm so proud of you, mommy. And you're not hurting as much?”

“It's better now.”

“See?! This is what happens when you take the pills they give you!”

“No, baby. This is what happens when you have a brilliant daughter and you finally actually listen to her.”

Sigh, such a silly mommy.

I changed my train ticket and am staying a few extra days. I'm just not ready to leave her yet

Pain

2011-09-10T12:29:00.000-05:00

She's been lying to the nurses and doctors. Telling them she was fine and didn't need pain killers. Refusing everything, including Tylenol. I found out when I talked to her social worker.

“Why? Why are you doing this? Why are you lying to them? Mama, please. Please, I can't handle seeing you in pain.”

She whispers, “I don't want to be controlled by the drugs. I don't want to need them. I don't want to depend on them.”

Oh my god, what is she doing to herself?

“What would you do if I were in the kind of pain you're in? Would you tell me to suck it up? No, you'd shove those drugs down my fucking throat. Yesterday you were hurting so badly you wanted to die. Please, mommy, this doesn't make you weak. Please, please, let them help you. You know the end is coming soon...you don't have to hurt the entire time. Please, mama. You don't deserve this pain. Tell me what to do, mama. What do you want?”

Silence.

“Mommy. Please.”

“Medication.”

“You want pain medication?”

“Yes. Please. I can't handle this. It hurts too much.”

So I ran to grab a nurse and told her that she needed pain medication immediately. That she'd been lying about not being in pain. They were as confused and shocked as I was. I told her main nurses what had been happening.

One shook her head sadly, “She was moaning and crying this morning and I asked her if she wanted something for the pain and she said no, she didn't want anything.”

I made her promise that she wouldn't lie anymore. I made her promise that she'd tell them when she was hurting. I made her promise that, if they weren't giving her enough, she'd demand more. I made her swear.

They gave her Percocet and she fell asleep quickly. She slept silently. For the first time in days she wasn't moaning and crying out from the pain.

When I left, I told the nurses that if she claimed to not be in pain or to not want medication, to remind her that she swore to me she'd tell them the truth.

I hope this helps. I hope this makes it easier on her. I just want her pain to end.

Bedside

2011-09-08T20:45:00.001-05:00

Holding her hand. Staring at it, trying to memorize every line and vein and bruise and scar. Will I remember this in a year? Will I remember this in a week?

Watch her chest. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Oh god, is she breathing? Up and down. Yes. Up and down. Yes.

“I love you so much, mommy.”

“I love you, baby.”

Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

Moaning in pain. Crying out. Shaking.

Whispering. “I can't do this, baby. I can't handle this anymore. I can't do this. I'm so sorry, baby.”

“It's okay, mommy. Please don't be sorry. It's okay that you need to go. You don't have to stay for me, mommy. You've made me brave and strong. And I have a life I love now. I have a life you can be proud of. You don't have to stay for me. It's okay if you need to go. I don't want you hurting anymore. I don't want you to hurt ever again.

I love you so much, mommy. So much. And you won't hurt anymore. You don't have to be afraid. You never have to be afraid again. It's okay that you need to go. You don't have to worry about me anymore. I promise. I'll be okay. Because you taught me how.”

Crying so hard I can't see. Giving her permission; trying so hard to take her guilt away.

Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Crying in pain. Labored breathing. Convulsing. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Words I can't understand. Words I can't hear. Apologizing again and again. Begging for it to be over. Begging for the pain to stop.

“I didn't expect it to be like this. I didn't expect it to hurt so much. I'm sorry, baby, I can't handle it anymore.”

Whispering again and again, “I love you, mommy. It's okay if you have to go. I promise I'll be okay. I just never want you to hurt again.”

She says, “Get a nurse.”

“What's wrong?”

“Get a nurse, something's wrong. I'm doing something wrong. I'm trying to die and it's not working.”

Jesus christ. How can I not love this crazy woman? I'm so my mother's daughter. I explain to her, again, that they can't help her die. They won't, even if she wants them to.

For hours we're silent except for her moaning in pain and whispered words I can't make out. I hold her hand and watch her chest. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

Eventually she tells me to leave; to go home and rest. She tells me to come back tomorrow because, “this is taking longer than I expected.” As if she thought she'd just decide to die and it would happen. I will miss this hilarious, ridiculous woman so incredibly much. I balk but she insists. I kiss her hands and her face, whispering, “I love you. I love you so much.”

Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

Distraction Time

2011-09-05T23:58:00.000-05:00

Just some random recent pictures.

Holding a snake for the first time. Her name is Ruby. She's so soft.

Totally obscene.

This is Everything

2011-09-04T19:27:00.000-05:00

2011-09-01T12:42:00.000-05:00

My mom is deteriorating fast so I'm leaving for Los Angeles tomorrow.

2011-08-26T09:13:00.001-05:00

1. Tiny Worlds in Little Bottles 2. Magical Tacos note cards 3. Fox with Sweater Brooch 4. Bibliophile Cat Print 5. Cupcake Pillow 6. Hello Kitty Vans 7. Rubik's Cube handbag 8. Sushi Stapler 9. Mermaid Necklace 10. Summer Owls fabric 11. Cupcake Necklace 12. H is for Holy Crap

Fat Ladies in Spaaaaaace – a Body Positive Coloring Book

Make a gift bag out of newspaper

2011-08-25T15:14:00.001-05:00

I realized something: this is the first time since I was 6 that death doesn't seem like a good idea.

Suicide doesn't seem like a viable option. Do you know how weird that is?! I've only thought about killing myself a couple of times in the last week, when the emotions about my mom got overwhelming. Only twice! And both times it was an errant thought that flitted into my head, I considered it, decided it was completely irrational, and it went away. The same happened the two times I thought about self injury. So bizarre. Thoughts of cutting and suicide used to be my default existence. I couldn't make them go away no matter how happy or logical I was or how hard I tried. At my happiest I still considered killing myself numerous times a day. I guess this meds cocktail is working well. It's taken many years and many different pills but, it seems, they're finally found the right ones.

My therapist says it isn't only the pills. That it's me too. That I've made changes and taken risks to start creating a life that's good for me. I don't know that I can see that but I'm appreciative...of whatever the hell is keeping this sanity around.

Though I'm not thinking of offing myself, I'm having physical issues due to stress/freaking the fuck out. Constant headaches, wretched(er) insomnia, and digestive issues are at the top of the list. Ugh.

I know it's not true but...when my mama dies I'll be alone. Officially alone. No family. No safety net. I felt like I had a safety net even when she didn't have one to offer me. I haven't had anywhere to fall for years but I still pretended it was there.

In other I'm-trying-to-distract-myself-news:

The oddest book I've ever read is now officially: Love in the Time of Dinosaurs by Kirsten Alene.

"DINOSAURS! LOVE! WAR! MONASTIC LIVING! Three days after his partner is bitten in half by a brachiosaur, a nameless monk meets the love of his life. Her name is Petunia. She is a dinosaur. But a twenty-year war between their species is about to come to a head, and only one will survive. To be together, the monk and the dinosaur must fight their way through hordes of pterodactyl samurai, anti-aircraft stegosaurs, gigantic kamikaze moths, and machine gun-wielding tyrannosaurs. Love in the Time of Dinosaurs is a surreal war tale of forbidden love, betrayal, and magic kung-fu. Forget Jurassic Park, this is the greatest dinosaur story ever told."

I will see Petunia. I will climb up onto her smooth dinosaur back and hold her closely with all of my remaining limbs.

2011-08-24T06:33:00.000-05:00

I purchased the train tickets and reserved a rental car. I'm leaving the 7th. I'd go sooner but I need to wait for my check to come. I'm so scared I won't make it in time. That's all I'm hoping for – that I can see her and hug her first. That and that she's not in pain.

I'm trying to keep calm; to keep my brain from imploding on itself. I'm making lists. Of things to pack, things to do, people to visit. Keep focused, find things to do. Thinking about anything else. But then I worry that if I blog about other things you'll think I'm not thinking about my mom. Stupid brain.

Speaking of my stupid brain... A few weeks ago my social anxiety disorder got re-diagnosed to full-blown social phobia. Which makes sense, I suppose. My anxiety all, pretty much, revolves around people and social situations. And it has since I was a child. I try so hard to push beyond it. But I fail a lot. I tried to be social last night and it was a mistake. Too many people all at once and I just wanted out.

People ask, so I wrote down my pill schedule. Because I think it's important to erase the stigma of mental illness. And physical illness too, for that matter.

Morning
Gummy Multi-Vitamins – 2
Iron – 2
Super B-Complex – 2
Cymbalta (anti-depressant) – 60mg
Busiprone (anti-anxiety) – 5 mg
Neurontin (nerve blocker for pain management) – 300mg

Afternoon
Busiprone (anti-anxiety) – 5 mg
Neurontin (nerve blocker for pain management) – 300mg

Evening
Neurontin (nerve blocker for pain management) – 300mg
Geodon (mood stabilizer) – 80mg
Cogentin (stops the muscle spasms/pain caused by the Geodon) – 1mg
Klonopin (insomnia) – 1mg

Oh and I take Zyrtec (for the allergies I've acquired since moving here) but only every two or three days because it's pricey. I need to add back in quite a few vitamins when I can afford it. Calcium, Vitamin D, etc. But this is my current pill list. It seems to be working well. The insomnia is still really shitty but that could be situational. And the pain is crippling at times. I've been neglecting myself. But I take my pills and tell myself that, for now, that's enough.

2011-08-21T12:00:00.000-05:00

The day I found out, Amanda shoved alcohol and food in my face and held me every single time I broke down sobbing. She wrapped her arms around me and told me it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. That I was a good daughter, a good person. The next day I was numb; completely worn out from crying as long and hard as I had the night before. And I've been fairly numb/in disbelief since. I can't say I mind. I know how hard it will be in the future so I'll take feeling nothing for as long as possible.

Between you amazing people and a local group here that's fundraising for me...I have enough to go back to Los Angeles and spend a week or so with my mommy. I need to figure out the train and car rental stuff but I'm aiming to leave around September 7th or so.

I'm downloading Murder, She Wrote and Perry Mason episodes for us to watch on my laptop. I'll bring her crossword puzzles and butterscotch squares from See's Candy. And at night I'll see my friends. And meet a few new ones I know only online. People I was too scared and anxious to meet before I left. The fear of meeting them isn't so strong now. And I suddenly want to connect with people so badly; being reminded so sharply about how fleeting it all is.

2011-08-20T08:01:00.001-05:00

Blown Away

2011-08-19T10:09:00.000-05:00

Oh my god.

I'm going home to see my Mama.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Crying too hard to write much more than that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

In Which I Ask for Help

2011-08-18T14:44:00.001-05:00

My Mama doesn't have much time left.

And I'd love it if you would send her cards to cheer her up and let her know people care about her!

But...I want to see her.

I wasn't going to do this. Because you all have helped me in so many ways. Several people suggested this and I pulled back, saying, “No, god no...they've given me so much. So much more than I could ever deserve. I can't ask for more...I just can't.” But I'm going to because I want to see my mommy.

Please don't feel obligated in any way.

Amtrak to California and back: $330
Car rental for a week: $160
Gas & food: $150

Total: $640

Motel for a week: $275

Total: $915

If I'm unable to find a couch to crash on and can't come up with enough for the motel, I will sleep in my rental car with no issue. And if I don't receive enough to make the trip actually happen, I'll give it all back. If you're willing to help and need/want something in return, name it. I don't have much and I don't know what I could do for you but, if it's possible, I'll make it happen.

And I know doing this will result in a flood of hate. Calling me selfish and awful and manipulative. But I want to see my mama. I want to hold her hand and take a million pictures of her and watch Perry Mason with her. I want to brush her hair and sneak in her favorite chocolates from See's Candy. I want to do silly unimportant things with her. I want to kiss her cheek and tell her I love her. Just one more time.

So, just fucking hate me if you want, okay? Because I made a PayPal link. And you don't have to click it or even consider clicking it. But it's here. In case you can. In case you want to.

Paypal: The Mama Fund

Thank you. So much. Thank you for following me, for asking about her, for caring about her health and well-being, for supporting me emotionally, and for all the kind emails I receive that tell me my silly little blog makes a difference.

And my Mama thanks you too. She doesn't really understand the internet or blogs or how all these people know me. But when I cry with appreciation over an email I received or when I'm able to get my psychiatric meds because someone sent me $10 she says, “There really are good people out there.” Her voice surprised but grateful. And I don't know that she believed that before. You haven't only given me hope, you've given it to her as well. And that's something I will never be able to thank you enough for.

Mail Bomb!

2011-08-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, here's my idea. Since I can't be there with my Mama, I want to flood her with cards. I want her to know that I have amazing people in my life who care about her as well. Would you be down for sending her a card? You don't have to write a novel, or even anything at all if you don't want. She also loves crossword puzzles and word finds, if you want to throw something in. Draw her something silly! Tell her about your day. Anything you want that'll cheer her up.

I can't start this until they've decided she's stable enough to move from the hospital to a hospice. But if you know me and want to start now, you can send them to me and I'll send them on to her. Just ask for my address, if you don't have it already.

Does this make sense? My brain is...foggy. I just...I just want her to feel loved and thought about and cared for.

I'm asking you something, though. Those of you who hate me: please don't send my mother negative shit. Please. If you absolutely have to tell someone how ugly and fat and worthless I am, tell me. If you have to talk about what a terrible daughter I am, tell me. If you want to tell someone how this is my fault, tell me. If you want to spew hatred, do it to me, not to her. Please, leave her out of it.

I don't know how to process this

2011-08-17T22:02:00.000-05:00

I keep trying to write this post and start sobbing uncontrollably every fucking time. I just...I don't know how to handle this.

She was bleeding internally so they took her to the hospital to find out why. They ran MRIs and CAT scans and cut her open. The cancer has spread. Everywhere. All of her organs. There's nothing they can do.

They gave her three months. At most.

Mama: Please don't cry, baby.
Me: I'm trying not to but I can't help it. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you.
Mama: This isn't your fault, baby. It wouldn't have changed anything. We knew this was coming.
Me: I just thought there'd be more time. I didn't have enough time to make you proud of me. I'm sorry Mommy. I failed you. I'm so sorry I left you.
Mama: I am proud of you. I always have been. You had to leave, you know that. And you need to live your life for you, baby, not for anyone else. For the first time, live your life for you, not for me.

I can't stop crying. It just hurts so bad to feel like I've failed her. And I just want to be with her so badly. I just wanted to make her happy, you know? My whole life that's all I ever wanted. I thought if I tried hard enough, maybe I could.

If I tried hard enough, I could save her. From my dad, from herself, from the fucking darkness and pain inside of her. And I never did. Logically, I knew I couldn't take it away. I knew I couldn't fix her depression and rage and desire to die. I remember being 8 years old and her telling me I was the only reason she didn't kill herself. I fucking carried that every day after. I couldn't fucking fix it. And I know I can't fix this either. And I know I had no fucking choice but to leave. But god damn it, I thought I'd have more time. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I thought there'd be more time. She's going to die alone and it's my fault. And I know, logically, I had no choice. I didn't fucking want to move to Alabama, it just...it was my only choice. But I still hate myself so much for it.

Logically logically logically. But, right now, fuck logically. Because this isn't about logic.

I just want my mommy.

Alligator for Lunch

2011-08-14T10:58:00.000-05:00

Warning: taxidermy animals

Amanda took me to Uncle Mick's Cajun Cafe.

I ate alligator!! It was terribly exciting. I also had black eyed peas for the first time. The owner is awesome, he lets you taste anything you want before making your selection. The food was pretty amazing and we're definitely going back. I'm looking forward to trying all the other foods they offer. And to bask in their terrifying décor!

Speaking of meat madness, there's this sign in my town...

(And don't forget – sex toy giveaway here!)

2011-08-12T08:26:00.002-05:00

How to Enter
♥ Leave a comment telling me what your favorite sex toy ever is.

Additional Entries
♥ Post about this giveaway on your blog/website/facebook/tumblr. You get one entry for each post you make. Limit one per site.

♥ Tweet about it! Limit one tweet per day until the contest ends.

Specifics
♥ Make sure you include your email address in all entries.

♥ Create a separate comment for every one of your entries. Example: you post about it on facebook and tweet it three times. That means you need to make four comments on here, linking to each one. I'll be using a random number generator so if they're all batched together in one comment, they'll only count as one. Make sense?

♥ This contest is open to everyone. If you win and you're in the US, it will be shipped directly from Good Vibrations. If you're outside of the US, it will be shipped from me.

♥ This contest will end Friday, August 19th at midnight EST.

♥ Good luck!

You can read my review (and see more pictures) of the Purple Plunge Vibe here. And if you don't want to risk not winning it, you can buy your own now at Good Vibrations!

Thank you, Good Vibes, for making this happen!

NSfW - Sex Toy Review!

2011-08-11T14:47:00.004-05:00

The Purple Plunge Vibrator
Dimensions: 7” long x 1.75” diameter (17.78 cm x 4.45cm).
Material: Jelly rubber (non-phthalates).
Care: Jelly is porous and attracts all kinds of lint and hair. It's a good idea to use a condom with this toy or to thoroughly wash it (with mild soap and warm water or Before & After Sex Toy Cleaner) prior to insertion.
Bonus: Completely waterproof!

I love that this toy is so pretty! The realistic head in nice but not massive enough to cause me trouble.

It's length allows ease of insertion during solo play and has nice girth. The size and shape would work really well for anal play but be careful since the end isn't flared.

It's a pretty little toy! I do wish it had more glitter. If glittery is good, glitterier is better!

The low end of the dial is quiet and wouldn't be heard under a blanket or even through a closed door. But on high, it's pretty loud. Not insanely loud but definitely noticeable.

It packs a surprisingly good wallop. But my five stars are reserved for my beloved Hitachi Magic Wand so you see where it falls on my continuum!

While I don't do penetration while alone, I did enjoy it with this. The length makes inserting it into yourself a lot easier and it has a good amount of girth without being too big. I think this would be hella fun in the tub, shower, pool... It's a hot, sticky summer, use your imagination!

This is another toy that's not scary or threatening and would be a great way to introduce toys into your sex life and/or the sex life/lives of your partner/s.

A basic but very fun toy that would liven up your sex life – either alone or with others. The Purple Plunge Vibrator is definitely a good addition to your collection!

My Body

2011-08-10T12:54:00.001-05:00

For most of my life I hated you. Hated the space you took up and the things you couldn't do. And, god, I hated the stares you brought me, the rage and pity you elicited from others. I was evil and cruel to you – starvation and self-injury, ignoring your needs, taking from you instead of giving. But I don't hate you now. Not anymore.

Though I still struggle to see us as one; always viewing you as a separate aspect of my being. The other side of a coin that is me but not really. I spent so many years disassociated from you that, sometimes, I don't even know who you are. But I'll change that.

Now I touch you like a lover whose body I want to learn. Stroking, pushing, prodding against skin, veins, muscle, and bone. Trying to memorize every texture and curve. Rolls of flesh. Skin that ebbs and flows. Amazed by the legs that hold up 350 pounds, insides that survived scalpels and reconstruction, veins that pump blood, and lungs that expand and shrink. My beating heart inspiring awe. I touch you with reverence, amazed by your abilities.

I'm sorry I doubted your strength. Thinking you couldn't survive one more emotional blow, one more cruel act, one more fist. I thought you'd break. And when you finally did, I thought you'd stay shattered forever. But hearts healed, tears mended, and scars faded.

I slip and I fall – pulling on jackets when it's too hot, stopping hungry mouths as they slide between your thighs because I feel too shy, too ugly to receive that pleasure. But I'll try. Again and again I'll try.

I'll wear dresses without sleeves and allow the sun to touch your pale flesh. I'll swim and float in any water I can find. I'll paint you nails and color your hair. I'll take the pills that keep you alive. I'll see friends and meet strangers, no matter how scared or anxious I am. I'll drink more water and eat the foods you crave and need. I'll stretch and move and sweat and ache. I'll have amazing sex with people who appreciate and adore you. I'll learn to sit silently and breathe. I'll find a way to get you massaged. I'll see doctors. I'll create a home that makes you feel safe and comforted.

One day I'll look in the mirror and I won't see you and I; I'll see us. One day you won't be something I visit, you'll be something I am. And on that day, you'll wrap yourself around me tightly and whisper, “Welcome home.”

Sarra Visits from Seattle!

2011-08-08T22:48:00.001-05:00

Sarra came to visit me!! Oh my god, it was such an awesome week!

Monday
Well, right before I left for the airport, I discovered an uninvited visitor hiding in my bathroom drawer. Scared the ever-loving shit out of me because, when I pulled open the drawer, all I saw was teeth.

Please note the leaves, as the little bastard was nesting.

On to the airport!

Oh my god, it's Sarra!!!

We stopped at a gas station where she claims to have seen the largest selection of pork rinds of Earth but didn't take a picture so I can't verify that. Then we went to Waffle House because, hello, she's visiting the south...you have to go to the Waffle House.

Tuesday
Waffle House! This becomes a theme.

Auburn's mascot is the tiger so there a several tiger statues around town. We took pictures with a couple of them. That's what you do in Auburn...eat at the Waffle House and take pictures with tigers.

It was Mel's birthday so we headed over to the little get-together she was having at the Irish Bred Pub. Apparently I feel soft “like a creampuff.” Which is, truly, the greatest compliment ever.

Carter deep throating cupcakes. She's a filthy whore and that's one of the reasons why I love her as much as I do.

And this is the best/most accurate photo of me drunk ever. Tits to the wind and a fucked up look on my face. Here...you're welcome.

Then we went over to Mel and Carter's house for a bit.

Wednesday
Aaaaand, Waffle House.

We headed to Clanton, Alabama to witness their peachy glory. Peach water tower! Peach statue! Peach ice cream!

Also, pickled green beans. I could have eaten a pound of them.

Thursday
B came to visit us! She's been reading me for about a decade now so we finally met in person.

We started out by eating at Cheeburger Cheeburger. Then went to the lake in Chewacla State Park. We spent hours in the water. It was amazing and so incredibly beautiful.

For dinner we headed over to Niffer's for fried foods and tasty beverages.

Then we stayed up until 3am, listening to music and talking. It was like a sleepover!

Friday
We stayed in all day as we were all exhausted and I was hurting like crazy. I decided it was the perfect time to bleach and dye my hair since I had someone I could wrangle into helping me with it. Fat girls sitting around in their underwear, with dye in their hair...that has to be a fetish for someone, right?

We decided on picking up Mellow Mushroom for dinner and I still had dye on my hair so I said fuck it and left it on since I wasn't getting out of the car. I ended up waiting around in my house dress with foil and a plastic cap on my head. I'm one classy bitch, let me tell you.

We got back and I rinsed out the dye. I was going with turquoise and purple but, for some reason, the purple turned out dark blue on me. So, ta da, I have mermaid hair! I cut off way more than I intended. But it's summer and it's only hair...it'll grow back.

I was hurting so I knocked out early,

Saturday
Sarra and I said our goodbyes to B and decided to head down to Pensacola, Florida for a night. The drive felt a lot quicker than I expected. Look, a new state!

Before collapsing in our room, we ate at Waffle House. And agreed we were beyond Waffle Housed out and had no desire to eat it again. Possibly ever.

Sunday
Holy christ on a cracker, it was hot!

We had much exploring to do! First up: the UFO House and the Igloo House!

Then we headed to the Shark Museum, which I've wanted to see for ages. It was awesome. Sadly, their massive souvenir selection was bereft of actual shark items.

Apparently I was amputated by the shark...

Then we took silly pictures and dug our toes in the sand.

We hadn't eaten in 14 hours...Sarra was disapleased.

After lunch, we went to one of the original mini golf courses. Luckily, they were closed so we could just take pictures instead of having to pretend to play. Oh my god, it was hot. Hotter than I remember ever experiencing. We both, honestly, thought we were going to pass out from the heat. It was, like, mental breakdown inducing heat. But that place was worth the horrors.

We headed back to Auburn – with the air conditioning cranked – and stopped at Cracker Barrel along the way. Oddly enough, I'd never been. I've been curious, since it's a southern institution, but never went. Sarra wanted to pick up some southern goodies so we ate dinner there. It was...okay? I guess? A lot of food. Not particularly great food but you get a lot of it!

Monday
Sarra's last day. Major sad face.

She really wanted to go to Toomer's Drugstore and I was excited to make that happen; it being another Auburn institution I hadn't experienced.

The lemonade was delicious and I ordered a pimento cheese sandwich. Um. It was...interesting? It was so not what I was expecting. It was, like, some weird fake Mexican cheese dip on bread. Yikes. I mean, I'm glad I ate it since it was on my weird-shit-to-try list but I'll never eat it again.

Sniffle, then my Sarra left me. But it was one hell of a week!

As always, more photos on flickr.

2011-07-31T08:54:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I swam naked under the sun and it felt wonderful. After that I went to another party and ate ribs for the first time. Holy lord. I also touched a snake for the first time! A boa named Ruby. I held her like a baby and stroked her for ages. She was just so incredibly soft.

Simple Goals for July
* ~~Go sleeveless in public~~ – Only around friends. Well, a couple of times I got gas and another time I went to WalMart...those count, right? I'm saying yes! And I met knew people while sleeveless so...I'm crossing it off!

* ~~Donate platelets twice~~ – At this point they actually recognize my voice when I call!

* ~~Read a book~~ 14 done! (You can see what I'm reading if you're over on Good Reads.) I'm focusing on easy, quick reads. And trashy...don't forget trashy. It's definitely helping me get back in the habit of reading, which I lost years ago due to depression. I'm starting simple and then going to build up to books that require, you know, thought and effort. I had no idea “paranormal romance” was an actual genre! Let's call it what it is, people, VAMPIRE PORN!

* Take more pictures – This didn't happen as I didn't do any damn thing this month.

* Make another video – Ehhhh, in a place where I just don't feel like being looked at right now.

* ~~Repot my succulents~~

* Don't overdraw my bank account – I was so close! And then a few days ago AAA renewed my membership without letting me know ahead of time. Blast.

* ~~Post two sex toy reviews~~

Simple Goals for August
* Talk to someone at the local community college about financial aid and admission

* Get my transcripts

* Donate platelets twice

* Read two books – Look at me being optimistic!

* Take more pictures – Should be a given since Sarra is visiting me!

* Make another video

* Don't overdraw my bank account

* Post two sex toy reviews

NSfW - Sex Toy Review!

2011-07-30T07:55:00.007-05:00

Pleasurette Mini Waterproof Vibrator
Dimensions: 4" long x 7/8" diameter (10.16 cm x 2.22 cm).
Bonus: Waterproof! Three speeds and it turns on/off with a push-button instead of a dial.

The Pleasurette is a pretty little toy with a very silky feel. I love that the speeds are controlled with a push-button and not a dial. Dials tend to be so easy to accidentally move...especially if your hands or the entire toy are slippery. I'm a big fan of this new sex toy push-button technology! I welcome you, our mighty new push-button overlords!

I used this toy with a partner and by myself. It's not as strong as I like (hello, I'm still mourning the death of my Hitachi Magic Wand months ago) but it did a good job! In partner play it got me off three times! This little vibe was a very pleasant surprise

So pretty and smooth! They also come in teal.

Very quiet through all three speeds.

A bit gentler than I like, normally, but the rhythm of the vibrations are great and, with some patience, it definitely made me come repeatedly.

A pretty, silky, easy-to-use, easy-to-clean, toy that you can keep anywhere, even in the shower. I like this toy and I'm pretty sure you'll enjoy it too.

This little toy is very non-threatening. It's just so pretty! And does such pretty things to you! So, if you're trying to introduce a vibrator to your partner, this would be a good choice.

Definitely a toy that's holding it's own in my sex toy drawer!

If you want your own Pleasurette Mini Waterproof Vibrator go buy one now! I think you'll like it!

2011-07-29T09:52:00.000-05:00

1. Beaver Print 2. Shooting Star Ring 3. Cheeseburger Mitts 4. Alice in Wonderland Plush 5. Wall Tentacle 6. Love Cats

Make your own giardiniera

Knitted octopus

Chocolate and coffee caramels

My favorite post on the Sex Positive Photo Project - “Dear Sweet Body... You are the ocean, your great waves undulating seductively around massive wooden ships. You woo sailors with glints of shiny trick lighting and the sound of sirens in your shallows. You are massive and deep and salty at all of the right times. Your tide pools tremble with tiny discovery.”

Why the World Needs Fat Acceptance

Amanda's Birthday

2011-07-27T15:43:00.002-05:00

I spent yesterday with Amanda and we celebrated her birthday! I bought her a science-based card and shirt. Her being a food scientologist, and all. Our first adventure occurred with the discovery of a snake above her door. It found the birds nest that was there and, um, gorged itself. Dude, this is the shit that, apparently, happens when you live in the wilds!

Animal adventure concluded, we continued on. We had the Very Veggie from Brick Oven Pizza and some dark beer. Then we played with Perler beads! Because she was stunned to find out I never did that when I was little. It was really fun. My fingers are a bit fat for it but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

Then we headed over to Hooters for trivia night. On the way, she noticed a mural. Um, yeah.

Affluent white folks and the slaves doing all the work. So after that discovery, we continued on our way. To Hooters. Where I felt dirtier than I ever did at a proper strip club. It's just...creepy. Like, a dude ogling a waitress at Waffle House, you know? Also, their food is terrible. On the plus side, our team won Trivia Night. Sadly, the chairs absolutely destroyed my back. Ugh. Hella pain.

All in all, a very interesting day! Also, I won a sex toy giveaway online! The perfect end to a damn memorable day.

Sex Toy Link Working!

2011-07-26T21:40:00.002-05:00

Hi Rachael! I got the link situation figured out! This should work now (fingers crossed):

Dotted Delight Silicone Dildo

Thank you so much for letting me know about the problem and you should totally tell me if you end up liking it or not! God, I hope that's not creepy...you know what I mean!

School Plans

2011-07-26T06:02:00.000-05:00

So, my school plans! I actually have no idea, to be honest. Well, that's not true, I have some idea. I've wanted to double major in Psychology and Women's Studies since I was 15 years old. With the intention of ending up at a feminist non-profit. But, in the last several years, I've realized that I'm really interested in the psychology of crime and wanting to work for a non-profit that focuses on ending the death penalty and/or prison reform. So I'm thinking I'm going to double major in Psychology and Criminal Justice. Possibly minoring in Women's Studies because of how important that is to me. I'd also really like to take courses in Non-profit Management.

I'm going to start at the community college here and finish up my Gen Ed requirements. Then transfer over to Auburn University. I'll get my BA and then re-examine whether I want to stay in the area for my Masters or move somewhere else.

Those are my goals. Pretty vague and I'm open to changes as they come but that's my general plan.

One week until Sarra arrives! I'm so so so excited! Adventure time!

A box of books came! Thank you so much, Jen! I can't wait to read them – I've wanted a few of these for years. I'm extra especially excited to finally read Alison Bechedel's Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic.

My Good Vibrations links seem to not be working (thank you for the heads up, Racheal) and I can't figure out why. I sent an email asking for help so, hopefully, they can do so.

School...OH GOD!

2011-07-23T08:11:00.001-05:00

Mama's doing well! Her cancer isn't spreading so that's a very good thing. I have to buy a bunch of word search and jumble books to send her way to help ease her boredom.

So... I...I think I'm going to go back to school in the spring. For real. Like, for really real. I'm going to start with a couple of online classes which will help ease me back into school without having to worry about social anxiety, pain, physical limitations, etc. I ordered my transcripts and will have an application in my hands soon. Then I'm going to take my paperwork and head to the local community college to talk to someone about admission and financial aid. I filled out my FAFSA. I was shaking the entire time. I want this so badly but I’m so scared. Scared I’m not smart enough. Scared my fucked memory – destroyed by the psych meds – will make this impossible. Scared I’ll fail. Scared that the one thing I’ve wanted my entire life won’t happen because I’m just not capable or good enough. But I did it anyway. Because if I fail, I fail. But I will not let fear stop me. Not anymore. Rawr!!

Dating has been pretty much a fail since moving to the south. I've only been on...hmmm...like, three or four since October. Part of me is fine with it since, in the past, I've used dating as a way to distract myself from my life and the shit I actually needed to deal with. I have great friends and kink play partners and sex partners so, really, my needs are being met without dating. But I miss having someone to be in love with, you know? I definitely don't feel that overwhelming loneliness and neediness that used to define my life once upon a time. It's more of an “aww, that would be nice...” kind of thing. Oh well. I don't feel consumed by the need to be out there in the dating world so I guess I'll just consider the few dates I have to be entertaining little sojourns into a world I don't really live in these days. I think I'm actually okay with that!

Amanda and I have decided to start a two-woman book club of crap. The rules: one of us buys a book for no more than $3. It has to look like utter shite. She reads it, leaves comments and reactions in the margins (and on Post Its if it's especially amazing), and passes it on to the other to enjoy. Magic.

Real Content!

2011-07-22T10:43:00.004-05:00

I saw my pain specialist! He's optimistic about the improvements in my back pain. And the physical therapy and cardio are helping my fibromyalgia pain to improve. I'm a million times better than I was six months ago. I had a few weeks of wallowing recently because the pain is still there. As much as it's improved and no matter how hard I try it's still there. And the realization that it probably always will be is a hard one to accept. So I wallowed for a few weeks but it's time to move on. I told him I was fine without any drugs (except the nerve blockers I've been on for several months now that seem to be helping) and that we'd see where my pain was in October. I figure three more months of physical therapy and exercise and we can reassess then.

You know, I just realized I haven't been prescribed Vicodin in seven months. Huh. I tried a new pain med out for about two weeks but decided that since it only got me stoned out of my gourd yet did nothing for my pain that I had no interest in continuing it. Because, seriously, I need pain killers that kill my pain...not ones that get me high as fuck. But aside from that test, no pain killers. Who knew I was capable of that!

Speaking of my meds, a lot of you fellow depressed folk like knowing what I'm on and how it's working so here's the current cocktail!

Cymbalta – anti-depressant that also helps with fibromyalgia
Geodon – mood stabilizer
Busipar – anti-anxiety
Ambien – sleeping is good!

Apparently the many more drugs I was on before had weight gain and sexual side effects and my current ones don't. So I'm not hungry 24/7 anymore! And my sex drive is somewhat normal! A little lessened but not dead so that's a win. I'm still struggling with anxiety issues so I don't know that the Busipar is working really. But they're not crippling so I can survive it. I see my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks but beside needing a higher dose of Ambien and possibly something different for anxiety...I'm really happy with my psych meds. They're working well.

I know a lot of it is situational as well. Making the decision to move here was the most insane thing I've ever done out of desperation but, it turns out, it was also the best thing I ever did. Sometimes you really need to shake your life up in order to make changes. Hopefully this helps me be less afraid in the future. Fear kept me so stagnant for my entire life. But I did the scariest thing I could think of and it turned out to be the best decision I could have made. Maybe that'll help me be braver in the future.

Sarra is visiting me in less than two weeks! I'm hella excited to see her and have adventures.

Things are going great with The Fat Nutritionist! She's changing the way I view and relate to food and it's just mind-blowing.

Things are just really going well. I think I need to work on a list of stuff to accomplish by the end of the year and another list for things to tackle in 2012. I feel optimistic and hopeful and physically and emotionally capable of creating a new life. These things don't feel like impossibilities anymore. It's not like they'll be easy but a year ago I was trying to figure out how to kill myself while causing as little difficulty as I could...anything beyond just surviving seemed beyond my grasp.

Thank you so much for telling me I could do it – so many of you leaving kind words and advice is a huge reason why I was able to keep on surviving even when all I wanted to do was die. I only survived the last few years of depression because of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

2011-07-22T09:44:00.000-05:00

Hella sorry for the lack of real updates. I've just been antisocial and not having much to talk about. That will change in August, I promise!

1. Absolutely Fabulous Nesting Dolls 2. Unicorn Ring 3. Cuckoo Clock 4. Pigeon Wall Hanging 5. Spaceface by Tad Carpenter 6. Pac-Man Cookie Cutters 7. Cupcake Kitty Cameo Ring 8. Tell Me by John Clark 9. Aquatic Radiance Necklace 10. Mysterio Predicts Baby Tee 11. Best Friends Forever 12. Fred Moore Girl

The House Hunters Drinking Game

Pen palling with Miss Cuppy is mega awesome! There's nothing more cool than receiving real live mail! Especially real live mail that isn't bills or junk!

How to Glitter a Concrete Floor

Knitted Columbo

S'mores Cupcakes

Please Love Yourself for Free. Why Gala Darling's $100 “radical self-love bootcamp” is fucking offensive.

I Never Called it Rape – Addressing Abuse in the BDSM Communities

NSfW - Sex Toy Review!

2011-07-21T10:22:00.012-05:00

Dotted Delight Silicone Dildo
Dimensions: 7" long x 1.5" diameter (17.78 cm x 3.81 cm).
Material: 100% silicone.
Bonus: The two bullet vibrators that can be inserted into the dildo are waterproof! (Batteries for one of them are even included.) So this toy can absolutely be submerged for water play! And the base would make it awesome for use in a harness.

I'm awful at judging dimensions so I decided to give you a reference item! Which then meant trying to find something that would, hopefully, translate internationally. So I went with a Sharpie. I don't know how prevalent those are outside of the US but I figure a marker is a good starting point! Also, apologies for the bad photos – I was aiming to use natural light but then it started storming.

The head made initial penetration an issue. My partner pushed it in too quickly and I screamed. We ended up having to go slow and use lube – something I don't usually need. But once it was in? Oh man.

The curve on this toy is epic. It made me come from penetration alone, which I can count on one hand the number of times I've done ever.

I was uncertain how I'd feel about the nubs but the material is flexible enough that they felt good. They definitely added a rougher sex component to the experience. Which, for me, is a major plus. They, combined with the size, made my pussy sore for awhile afterward. But I haven't been doing the penetrative sex thing lately so I'm sure I'm making it sound worse than it actually is.

This is definitely not a toy I would use by myself. I don't do penetration when I masturbate so its awesomeness wouldn't translate into my alone time. But for partner play when I want it rough? Definitely a keeper.

It's damn pretty.

It's also damn quiet!

The vibrations on this toy aren't very intense. I was only able to use one of the bullets so doubling up on them would help. But the curve and movement by my partner made it an afterthought anyway. It definitely isn't strong enough to get me off if I simply held the toy against my clit.

The majority of my toy collection isn't for solo use and this joins their ranks.

The curve, man, I'm in love with that curve!

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! The Dotted Delight Silicone Dildo is definitely something I'm keeping around!

(This being my first sex toy review I'm a little uncertain if I did a good job! Do let me know if there's any pertinent information I should include in these!)

2011-07-16T11:09:00.004-05:00

1. Tentacle Pipes 2. Cha Cha Heels Ornament 3. Pink Moss Cube 4. Sanrio Doc Martens 5. My Marxist Feminist Dialectic Brings All the Boys to the Yard 6. Shark Fin Ice Cube Tray 7. Dessert Keychains 8. Happy Weather Fabric 9. Totally Metal Embroidery Pattern 10. Darth Vader Toaster 11. Unicorn Hair Clip 12. MST3K Notecards

A collection of all the Daria alter-egos. If I ever got a tattoo of Jane and Daria (which I've considered) it'd be of their alter-egos. Which are your favorites?

Recipes for Homemade Sugar Body Scrubs

How to Turn a Pallet into a Garden

Margarita Popsicles

What Should I Read Next?

Recycle Your Sex Toys!

Grrrr, I just noticed that all the fists on that feminist shirt are white. Suck.

Physical Therapy - Part Two

2011-07-12T08:46:00.000-05:00

Physical Therapy – Part One

Now for the days I focus on stretching!

Physical Therapy - Part One

2011-07-12T00:47:00.002-05:00

Since folks said it would really help them to see drawings of the physical therapy exercises I've been assigned, I made some! My artistic ability is the thing of legends. First up, days I focus on strength!

#7: Oops, doesn't exist!

Me! In a Dress!

2011-07-10T19:53:00.000-05:00

Oh my god, look at my new dress!! Thank you so much, Robin!! It's from here and is fabulous. I fell in love the second I saw it. I really love the bust.

I wasn't able to get to the shuttle launch. Which is disappointing but there are many more adventures to come, I'm sure.

Sections

2011-07-08T05:38:00.001-05:00

Oh my god! The amazing Anita from I Read Everything and I Read Odd Books sent me a great big box of reading material! Eeeeeeeeh! I'm so giddy!! And shocked and excited!!

Life, broken into segments.

Health
Ugh, my pain is being an evil bitch and it's really upsetting me. I've been doing my physical therapy strength and stretching exercises. And have started pedaling again. (Thank you, Sonya!! That thing is a god-send to me.) Sometimes I go 30 minutes straight, other times I break it up throughout the day. And sometimes I manage 5 minutes, period, and call it a success. It just depends on how my body is feeling. I'm not going to lie, I don't do my exercises or pedaling every single day. I'd like to but I don't. But, now, I do them more days than I don't do them so I consider that a huge improvement.

I think the pain is upsetting me more emotionally than before. Because, for a little while there, I actually didn't have it. For the first time in over six years, I didn't hurt constantly. I'd forgotten what that was like – to not hurt. And now that's gone and it's pissing me off. Sigh. It's okay, I'll get my shit together and move on.

After spending about 10 minutes in the direct sunlight with no sunblock, I broke out in an itchy rash all over my chest and belly. Due to my bitching on Twitter, I was linked to Polymorphic Light Eruption , which looks and sounds exactly like what I have. See, I fucking told you people the sun was trying to kill me! Not one of you bastards believed me!

I see my general doctor in a few weeks. My list includes my bi-annual STI tests and the godawful allergies I've acquired since moving here. I think that's it, really.

Mental HealthI'm finding it easier to identify my emotions and their root cause and figure out what I need in order to take care of myself. Like when I was overwhelmed by social interaction and just needed to be alone for awhile. My emotions don't feel as overwhelming. Yay meds!

I told my therapist that, for the first time in my life, I feel as if I have healthy relationships. Even though I don't have the emotional, physical, or financial reserves I think I require in order to be a great friend, I'm also not doing things out of obligation or guilt or in an attempt to “earn” love. Even though it's hard to take care of myself, I think, ultimately, it makes me a better friend. And, obviously, these people see something in me.

I like my therapist a lot but she doesn't really push me like I wish she would. But maybe, right now, I just need a cheering section as I figure out shit on my own. I really do like her and she listens well and without judgment. Plus they don't make me pay and Medicare doesn't cover therapy so... It's something, at least!

Dating
Ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Moving on.

Sex/Kink
The two toys I'll be reviewing have arrived! Huzzah! I'm not 100% certain how I should do so but I'll figure it out. It'll be fun to write and, hopefully, fun to read!

I did needle play at a kink party. It didn't hurt but made my tits look really pretty!

So, my friend Mel is a photographer. And she took some photos of me, including nudes. I'm hoping that it'll help me feel more comfortable with my body. I'm trying to normalize my body to myself and I think this will help. We did the first session and, holy crap, worst model EVAR! There was a lot of awkward posing, goofy smiles, and squinting at the camera. Hopefully I'll be more comfortable next time!

Adventures
Desperately in need of one.

Finances
Laughable but I'm hanging in there.

Mama
Bored but doing well. Sometimes the only thing I want is to hug her.

Food!

2011-07-05T17:36:00.000-05:00

Self-loathing is not a fucking character-builder. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t make you better. It’s just an ever-deepening, creepy-ass trap; a trap that is a huge moneymaker for corporations that do not have and never will have good intentions. You’re not disgusting. You’re not freakish. You’re not ugly. And you’re never going to be perfect. And holy shit, that is so okay.
- Jane, Casual Blasphemies

I had grits for the first time! Carter made us breakfast and it included scrambled eggs, cheese grits, biscuits, and Conecuh sausage. I also stole some of Mel's MorningStar fake sausage, which was also really tasty. I was a fan of the whole meal! Other heavenly foods recently consumed at their house include squash fritters, homemade macaroni and cheese, and shrimp bruschetta. Oh, we also ate sno-cones. They're different here; the ice is really finely shaved and melts in your mouth. I got a watermelon-vanilla with cream. It was amazing. So it's been a good week in the culinary world.

I went to a pool party and swam naked. It's not like I was the only one! Those moments between getting undressed and walking to and into the pool just destroy me. But I did it anyway, damn it! I mean, it was a kink party so it's not like some of them hadn't already seen me naked or would, most likely, see me naked at some point in the future. But stillllllll, it's just hard to be naked in daylight around a crowd of people. There was also really good food there. God damn. I experienced my first low country boil! Which is potatoes, tons of shrimp, corn on the cob, and sausage. Man, it's all coming back to food this weekend, isn't it?! Dude, it's the south - every social situation revolves around food! Damn good food, at that.

I've been wearing dresses! I went sleeveless at the pool party and around a few other people but I'm still terrified about it. I went sleeveless in Earthfare but it was the 4th and there were, like, six people in the store so it hardly counts! I'm going to continue with the dresses and try to force the sleevelessness. I'm determined to get over this shit.

I'm mega burned out on socializing. It's just been too much time with too many people. So I'm taking a few hermit days.

The shuttle launch is getting closer! I'm going to meet up with Greg, who's also attending. Carter and I are hoping to visit St Augustine on the way back. They have a pirate museum! I'm so so so excited for this adventure!

Interaction!

2011-07-02T08:12:00.003-05:00

Loading...
Thank you so so so much and I hope you're having a wonderful weekend!

2011-07-02T01:07:00.004-05:00

Holy shit. Who has two thumbs and is going to Florida to see the final space shuttle launch in person? THIS GUY!! There are no words to express how giddy I feel.

Amanda repotted my succulents so they aren't going to die! Now they have big pots with lush soil in which to stretch and grow. One didn't make it. We mourn you, tonight, succulent that looked like hippo feet. You were just too far gone to save.

This entry has been brought to you by Heidi on Ambien. Apparently, last night, I had an Ambien-induced conversation with Amanda that ended when I said I'd better go to bed "before the cows attack."

2011-06-30T18:32:00.000-05:00

So, wearing dresses? Is awesome. They're so comfy! I wore one last night at a get-together. I wimped out and wore a short sleeved sweater with it because I couldn't handle being sleeveless around so many new people. But, baby steps! I wish I had a couple more cotton ones with short sleeves. One day!

I'm working on those drawings of my physical therapy exercises for you guys. I can't draw so gave up on that and am trying to do them in paint which is even more hilarious. I haven't forgotten! I'll, hopefully, have them done and posted with explanations by the end of next week.

I've added cardio to my daily routine. Well, okay, today was the first day but I'm optimistic! I discovered that if I read while I'm pedaling, the time seriously flies by. I did 20 minutes without even realizing it! Multi-tasking score!

To answer a recent question about what I can and can't eat (paraphrasing): nope, I have no problems eating anything, really. Too much fried foods or sugar make me sick but I have no problem if they're in average amounts. I can drink alcohol with no problem. Essentially, I get drunk incredibly quickly but also sober up super fast as well. I have trouble with pasta and rice. I can eat both but they tend to fill me up quicker than I anticipate and I end up sick about ½ the time because of that.

Speaking of food, things are going really well with The Fat Nutritionist. She's helping and teaching me so much.

Simple Goals for June
* Buy new glasses – Well, I got the eye exam done! One eye improved and one eye worsened. What the hell, eyes, at least change in unison! I'm going to order them in August, hopefully.

* ~~Wear a dress in public~~ 6/2/11

* ~~Donate platelets twice~~ 6/6/11 and 6/20/11

* ~~Swim~~ 6/1/11

* ~~Read a book~~ Terry Pratchett's Monstrous Regiment 6/30/11

* ~~Clean the inside of my car~~ 6/4/11

* ~~Blog more~~

Simple Goals for July
* Go sleeveless in public - not just with close friends but actually out in public

* Donate platelets twice

* Read a book

* Take more pictures

* Make another video - if you have questions or topics or memes I can discuss/answer in video form, do let me know

* Repot my succulents and cacti

* Don't overdraw my bank account

* Post two sex toy reviews

Dildos and Gardening

2011-06-25T14:15:00.002-05:00

You all are so sweet! I guess I'lll be doing more videos in the future. Assuming I can find questions to answer, of course.

I've been approved to do sex toy reviews for Good Vibrations! (Affiliate link to your right.) I have the first two toys heading my way so you have that to look forward to! I'll give you warnings on entries that involve those. I'll also be able to do sex toy giveaways! Which means free (still packaged, I should specify) vibrators, dildos, and more for you! Exciting! Aw, look at me sounding like an ad already. I promise my reviews won't be this irritating. They'll be chock full of information and horrifying admissions about my sex life...just like you've come to expect from me!

I talked to my therapist about the fact that my new mood stabilizers give me muscle spasms and pain. Just like my old mood stabilizers did...for nearly two years. She asked why I never told my previous doctor. I said, “I...I don't know. I was afraid, I guess? That I'd be switched to something else that wouldn't work. I figured I could just put up with it if it meant I wouldn't want to die...” But oh my god it hurts. That and feeling like my skin is crawling happens every single night after I take them. She says it's not uncommon and there's (yet another) medication that might counteract it. I see the psychiatrist in August so I'll tell him about it then. Because, honestly, the discomfort is so strong that it really does make me frequently consider not taking the medication because I don't want to deal with that miserable side effect.

My finances are pretty fucked for July but I should be able to get by. I won't be doing or buying anything extra for awhile. Though I am going to look for cheap pots and soil so I can repot my succulents. I'd just wait until I could afford it but they're starting to die because the tiny pots they came in are getting to be too small for their roots. I might just buy a couple of huge $1 plastic mixing bowls, nail some holes in the bottom, and temporarily move them to those until I can find awesome planters I want permanently. Hopefully they can hang on for another week. Be strong, little succulents, Mama loves you!

A to Z Meme

2011-06-22T11:10:00.002-05:00

A to Z Meme from The Sugar Monster on Vimeo.

Summer Goals

2011-06-22T07:05:00.007-05:00

(There's another new entry right before this one.)

Here's my list for summer! Obviously, it's physically and fiscally impossible to accomplish everything in three months but whatever doesn't get done will simply get rolled over to my Fall list. Which, thus far, only includes tailgating, dressing up for Halloween, and carving pumpkins.

My First Summer in The Dirrrrty South
* ~~Swim in a pool~~ 6/1/11
* Swim in a natural body of water
* ~~Wear dresses~~
* ~~Go sleeveless~~ 6/4/11
* ~~Taste honeysuckle~~ 6/6/11
* See a shooting star
* ~~See fireflies~~ 6/10/11
* Pick fruit
* Pick vegetables
* Go to a roller derby bout
* Wear real flowers in my hair
* See the Atlantic ocean
* Replant my succulents and cacti
* Go to Atlanta
* Visit a museum
* Take a walk in Chewacla Park
* Go to a farmer’s market
* Go to a flea market
* Feed alligators
* Go to a shooting range and learn to shoot a gun
* Pet a cow
* Pet a horse
* Pet a tiger - Gulf Shores Zoo
* Learn to knit
* Learn to change my oil
* Get a manicure and pedicure
* Go to a snake handling church
* Explore the woods
* Build a birdhouse
* Kiss a boy or girl wearing a cowboy hat
* Make out under the stars
* Fuck in a summer storm
* Drink moonshine or Jungle Juice - Everclear + lots of fruit let to sit for a few days until it tastes just like fruit juice. It's like Sangria, except for made in a bathtub (sometimes) with 10x the kick and none of the class.
* Go to New Orleans
* Visit a voodoo shop
* Get a daiquiri from a drive-thru
* Go crabbing
* Visit old cemeteries
* Do psychedelics of some sort
* Eat!!
o Grits
o Black eyed peas
o Red beans and rice
o Fresh corn
o Greens
o Cornbread
o Kool-Aid pickles
o ~~Fried green tomatoes~~ 6/19/11
o Sun tea
o Ribs
o Gooseberries
o Local honey
o Fried catfish
o Pickled eggs
o Boiled peanuts
o Okra
o ~~Fried pork chops~~ 6/19/11
o Biscuits
o Frogs legs
o Crawdads
o ~~Mojitos~~ 6/10/11
o Gumbo
o Burger with Gin Sauce - Pirate’s Cove, Josephine, Alabama
o Scrambled Hot Dog - Dinglewood Pharmacy, Columbus, Georgia
o ~~Lemon meringue pie~~ 6/19/11
o Key lime pie
o Alligator
o Fried Red Snapper Throats - The Bright Star, Bessemer, Alabama
o Crawfish
o Oyster Po’boy
o Trout caviar
o Pimento cheese
o Sweet potato casserole
o Pork cracklings
o Pecan pie

Friends

2011-06-22T06:43:00.002-05:00

I sat outside on the deck the yesterday morning and read. It was nice, I want to make it a habit.

The podiatrist's office referred me over to an orthopedist. I need insoles, if only for the fact that my legs are drastically uneven and I kind of hate the $8 flat, hard plastic insole I'm currently using to even me out. And additional support can't be a bad thing!

There's this local band, Crucial Rhyme, that I really like. I, generally, don't like reggae so I, frankly, expected to dislike them. But it infuses so much hip-hop and rock that I, actually, really enjoy their music. A lot. Do check them out. They're working in the studio these days so perhaps I'll have an album to link to in a few months. From what I understand, the tracks on their website are fairly rough but I still happily listen to them.

~~Do any of you know how to remove the border from the little headers on my links page? It must be a Blogger issue because the html says border=0 but they won't go away.~~ Thank you so so so much, Andrea!!

This may be an odd question, but how did you make so many good friends so fast in such a small town? Did you know them before moving there or...?

Not odd at all! I'm honestly surprised myself at how many people I have in my life now.

My former roommate and I met through the internet. She's been reading my blog for, essentially, the eight years I've been writing it. We started talking quite a few years ago via chat and text. But we'd never met in real life when I decided to move out here.

Amanda I met through my former roommate. My current roommate I met through my former roommate.

A few months before moving here, I changed my OKCupid location to Auburn. I met this awesome guy, Clint on it. He introduced me to the girl he's seeing, Mel. She and I started chatting a couple of months before I got out here. Then I met Carter through her, as they're good friends and roommates. And now I'm meeting a lot of people through them and their very wide social circles. I'm trying to be more social and less afraid/anxious about new people and new things so that's, for obvious reasons, been helping a lot.

A lot of the other people in my life I met through the local and nearby kink scenes.

People in the south are just super friendly and I think they find me appealing for the simple fact that everything down here is so new and exciting to me. “Oh my god, I've never eaten grits before!” So everyone wants to cook for me and help me experience all these awesome things. (I totally do have a First Summer in the Dirrrrty South list! I'm also working on a Fall in the Dirrrrty South one as well! I'll post them and you all can let me know what I'm missing!) Frankly, I've just been lucky. And I'm thankful for that fact on a daily basis.

2011-06-21T07:37:00.013-05:00

♥ Acceptance is Not "Giving Up" ♥ Adipositivity (nudity) ♥ Axis of Fat ♥
♥ Bellies Are Beautiful ♥ Big Fat Blog ♥ BMI: The Reality ♥ Chubstr ♥
♥ The Chubster Gang ♥ Definatalie ♥ The Embodied ♥ The Fat Body (In)visible ♥
♥ FatCast (podcast) ♥ Fat Dinosity 1 and 2 (videos) ♥ The Fat Experience Project ♥ ♥ Fat. Fit. Flabulous! (nudity) ♥ Fat Girl Speaks ♥ The Fat Nutritionist ♥ ♥ Fat Rants 1 2 and 3 (videos) ♥ FemmeCast (podcast) ♥ Full Body Project (nudity) ♥ ♥ The HAES (Health at Every Size) Manifesto (pdf) ♥ It's a Big Fat Revolution ♥
♥ NOLOSE ♥ Red Vinyl Shoes ♥ The Rotund ♥ Sex and the Fat Girl ♥
♥ Shapely Prose (archives) ♥ Two Whole Cakes ♥ Toil Girls (fatty girl pinup art) ♥
♥ Who's Watching the Women? ♥ Women en Large (nudity) ♥

And on tumblr!
♥ Amber ♥ Amelia Butter ♥ Big Boy Fashion ♥ Bon Bon ♥ Buttah Love ♥ Death Fatties ♥
♥ Fat People Art ♥ Fat People of Color ♥ Fuck Yeah Chubby Butches ♥
♥ Fuck Yeah Chubby Girls ♥ Fuck Yeah Chubby Guys ♥ Fuck Yeah Fat Positive ♥
♥ Hey, Fat Chick! ♥ Inner Fat Girl ♥ Jessie Dress ♥ Kyla the Great ♥ Riots Not Diets ♥
♥ STFU Sizists ♥ Tangled Up in Lace ♥ Tender Heart ♥ Tropigalia ♥
♥ Uppity Fatty (nudity) ♥

♥ Babeland (sex toys) ♥ Color Me Katie ♥ Em & Sprout ♥ Extra Ordinary (comics) ♥
♥ Jody Pham ♥ Kitty Stryker (nudity) ♥ Miss Cuppy ♥ The Dainty Squid ♥
♥ Good Vibrations (sex toys) ♥ Hyperbole and a Half ♥ I Read Everything ♥
♥ I Read Odd Books ♥ Jay Smooth (videos) ♥ My Milk Toof ♥ My Paper Crane ♥
♥ Natalie Perkins ♥ OMGLia ♥ Pomo Freakshow ♥
♥ Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal (comics) ♥ Sex Positive Activism ♥ Sick for Cute ♥
♥ Street Art Utopia ♥ Twinkie Chan ♥

Deep Fried Night

2011-06-20T08:15:00.003-05:00

Carter, being horrified at my lack of experience with food, proclaimed it southern foods night!

First up: fried green tomatoes!

They were so delicious. Firm and tart. I'm absolutely a fan.

The it was time to fry up the pork chops.

I was doing the frying until I flipped a little too aggressively and Crisco splatter burned my fingers so I tapped out. I totally learned how to fry foods!!

Closed eyes but adorable nonetheless.

Dinner time!!

Fried pork chops with mashed potatoes and milk gravy.

It was amazing.

It was discovered that I'd never shotgunned a beer. Time to rectify that!

Unflattering profile picture ahoy!

Surprising to no one who knows me, I won.

Both times. I may be trashy as fuck but, damn, I'm good at it!

Time for dessert!

Lemon meringue pie and berries with frosted angel food cake.

It was such a wonderful night – new friends and amazing food...who could ask for more?

Tofu and the Musketeers

2011-06-15T10:24:00.001-05:00

Oh my god, Sarra is coming to visit me from Seattle!! OH MY GOD! I'm so ecstatic that I actually “OMG”ed. That should tell you how excited I am! We're going to swim in the lake and drink cocktails and explore and all sorts of awesome stuff. Oh man, so excited I can't think straight. Eeeeee!

I made tofu for the first time! I squished out all the liquid and then let it soak in a mixture of soy sauce, olive oil, vinegar, garlic salt, and red pepper flakes. Then I cut it into quarters and baked it at 375F for...15 minutes, maybe? I think my oven bakes hot. Either that or I panic at the possibility of burning things and yank them out early. Anyway, it tastes amazing. I ate my first chunk with some pasta tossed with a little olive oil, shredded parmesan, and red pepper flakes.

My photos are suck due to bad lighting and the fact I don't actually have any real bowls. But! You get the rough idea, if nothing else.

Carter: Also, if Ellie is D'Artagnan, we need to pick out our Musketeer names! So we can refer to each other as such.
Mel: You're Athos, the mom.
Mel: I'm Porthos, the gullible one.
Carter: So Heidi is Aramis?
Mel: And Heidi is Aramis...loves and intrigues women!
Both: LOL

So, I was like, I need to Photoshop that!

Snort.

I'm already thinking about Halloween. I'm going to decorate and dress up for the first time! Yay! I'm already super excited. If Amanda is able to help me out in the way she's offered, my costume will be fabulous.

Dresses and My Belly

2011-06-13T11:37:00.001-05:00

Old Navy was having a sale and since summer here will, in fact, kill me, I decided to buy a few cotton dresses. Since I don't own shorts and the dresses I already have are polyester, I figured a couple of light summery dresses would be a good investment. Even though they're goddamn sleeveless which makes them triply terrifying/challenging for me.

Me: makes me kinda eeep because my belly is all LOOK AT ME AND MY LUMPINESS in both but fuck it...wearing polyester/spandex in the summer will literally kill me
Amanda: ohhh noooes you have a belly! how dreadful!
Amanda: you are the ONLY ONE EVER
Amanda: we'll put you in the circus."this way for THE GIRL WITH A BELLY!"
Amanda: right next to the dude who eats fire
Amanda: and then you two can start a whirlwind romance
Amanda: and you can have the contortionist chick on the side
Me: you have the BEST ideas

Acceptance

2011-06-13T09:48:00.003-05:00

I wrote this for a self-acceptance blog over on tumblr and figured I'd cross-post it here.

Discusses: Eating disorders, self-injury, sexual/physical/emotional abuse, psychological issues, suicidal ideation...okay, “major fuckery” probably is the best way to sum it up!

My father told me no one would love me if I got fat. He, especially, wouldn't love me if I got fat. Then he took me into the bathroom and showed me how to push my fingers down my throat until I was empty. I was so young that it's my first memory. I purged throughout elementary school and didn't officially stop until after I was out of high school. And you know what? I got fat anyway. I just managed to destroy my metabolism and relationship with food in the process.

I was never allowed to believe my body was acceptable. I was never allowed to believe I was acceptable. Never.

My father sexually abused me for 10 years. A decade. Nearly 1/3 of my life. He told me I was selfish and worthless and unwanted; I was the reason behind all of his misery. He hit me and held me down in scalding hot water while I screamed. My mom wasn't interested enough to involve herself; abusing me emotionally as well. When I told the authorities what my father had done and begged for therapy because I was so suicidal I wasn't going to survive, they didn't believe me. They agreed with my parents that I was just “making things up” and “blowing things out of proportion.” They apologized to my abuser and the woman who defended him and never contacted me again. I learned to shut my mouth and swallow my pain.

The first time I cut myself I was 8. I used a jagged piece of fiberboard broken off the bottom of the drawer I kept all my Barbie clothes in. I sat on the dark brown carpet in my bedroom, sawing at my wrists, listening to my parents fight in the other room. The last time I cut myself I was 20. A cheap pink razor pressed into my bicep, staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, moments after my mom telling me I was just like my father.

When I was in my early 20s I found fat acceptance. And the heavens opened and the angels sang. I devoured (snort!) everything I could find. Hanne Blank, Marilyn Wann, Camryn Manheim, Nomy Lamm...I kneeled at their altars and worshiped their words. I read Body Outlaws and Big, Big Love dozens of times. I sought out and looked at pictures of naked fat women for the first time ever, amazed, seeing my body from the outside. The internet invited me into this amazing world where fat people existed and thrived.

I spent hours online, looking at photos of fat bodies. Until my eyes burned. Obsessed with the new found realization that my fat body wasn't an anomaly. My fat body wasn't freakshow material. My fat body was abundant and lush and spectacular. Curves and lines and rolls of soft flesh – I gazed on them in awe, disbelieving I could have ever thought it ugly.

Fat isn't disgusting. And that realization was fucking revolutionary.

Due to some degree of internet fame, I've been insulted in some of the most worst ways I could have imagined. The cruelty was worse than anything I'd ever experienced in real life. I didn't even have to go out in the world in order to be told how ugly and disgusting I was. I was mocked and insulted and harassed. Threads and posts sprang up solely to discuss what a hideous and horrible person I was. I was told to kill myself. My life was threatened. When my father committed suicide, I was told it was my fault – that they would have done the same if they had such a fat, ugly, piece of shit daughter.

But I'm still here. As much damage as the last few years of (questionable) notoriety have done to my self-esteem, I'm still standing. And I'm still fighting.

I have fibromyalgia, nerve damage, and injuries that have left me in a constant state of agony. It's hard to love and accept your body when it causes you pain. When you're so tired you can't leave the house for weeks. When it hurts to move even a few feet. When all the things you want feel out of reach because of it. It's hard to love the body that you also feel imprisoned by. But I'm trying. I'm trying to work within my limitations instead of allowing them to hold me back.

In the past three months I've acquired a pain specialist, psychologist, psychiatrist, nutritionist, and physical therapist. Sometimes I dorkily think of them as Team Heidi.

I'm 32 years old. (Possibly too old for tumblr!) And during those years I've binged, purged, starved, cut, and burned myself. I've been in a psych ward, too suicidal to be trusted in the real world. I've felt so ugly, so hated, so worthless that I wanted to die. But I'm still here.

I don't look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful. I probably never will. It just isn't a word that I think fits me. But that's okay. I don't have to be beautiful. I don't have to be sexy or gorgeous or even pretty. I don't owe that to anyone. I'm not saying that someone who calls me beautiful would be lying. I'm not saying someone couldn't think me beautiful. I'm saying that, for me, giving up the goal of “beautiful” lifted a weight off my shoulders and allowed me to move on.

I can still look in the mirror and like what I see, even if I'm not beautiful. I can still love and accept myself, even if I'm not beautiful. Because if I were to think of the worst possible things you could call me, ugly, undesirable, and unfuckable wouldn't make the list. If “beautiful” was the goal, I was destined to fail. So, instead, I ditched it and made new ones.

I want to wear awesome clothes that make me feel amazing. To wear makeup and glitter and dresses. I want to cover nearly every inch of my skin with ink. To look on the outside, the way I feel on the inside. To be intense and loud and brave.

I want to be seen.

I want to love myself as much as I love others. I want to be as kind to myself as I am others.

I want to be compassionate. Considerate. Loving. Intelligent. Strong. Powerful.

I want to be a good person.

There are a lot of things I aspire to. Beautiful isn't one of them. Beautiful isn't the be all end all of my dreams. Beautiful is nice and all but beautiful isn't enough.

I've acted from a place of self-loathing and from a place of self-love. And, believe me, the latter is a hell of a lot more fun and rewarding.

I fuck during the day with the blinds open. Something that, five years ago, I didn't think I was capable of. I wore a sleeveless shirt in front of people, strangers even, for the first time since I was in elementary school.

I have bad days, like everyone. Sometimes they're bad weeks or bad months. I have severe depression and anxiety issues so when I fall, I fall hard. But I get up again. I get up again and push forward. Because I know what the alternative is. And I no longer find that alternative acceptable. Once again, the internet saves me. I look at fat women who wear bikinis and miniskirts. I read the words of Marianne Kirby, Lesley Kinzel, Tasha Fierce, Natalie Perkins, and a million other women and I know I deserve better than what I accept. I know I have a choice.

Covering myself in oversized clothes and hiding in the shadows or swimming naked in front of others, the sun on my ample flesh? I know which I'm going to choose from now on. Always.

I've allowed my parents, peers, media, and culture to define and destroy me for the last 30 years. No more. The next 30 are mine.

Mojitos and Fireflies

2011-06-12T13:38:00.000-05:00

Watermelon Mojitos with tons of fresh mint, swimming, grilled cheese sandwiches, and a sleepover with Mel and Carter.

[shoes from the ever so talented em & sprout]

I saw lightning bugs for the first time ever! And heard a bullfrog! There's always something going on in the dirrrrty south.

We're talking about taking a trip to the Alabama Gulf Coast Zoo because they're doing hands-on time with baby Bengal tigers! And, oh my god, we want to cuddle baby tigers!! You can also play with baby kangaroos, lemurs, and a whole petting zoo of baby goats, rabbits, ducks, etc.

Current food obsession: couscous with olives, feta, and chickpeas.

Amanda sent me an awesome octopus card telling me how proud she is of me for all the work on myself I've done these past few months. Made me allllll weepy.

Beginning of Summer Awesomeness

2011-06-08T21:27:00.004-05:00

Carter teaching me how to find honeysuckle on the side of the road in the middle of the night.

I got to taste a drop. One teeny tiny little dot of honey. The heat has dried out the rest but that one drop was heavenly. I was so excited that I shrieked, “OH MY GOD, I TASTED IT!!!” and then clapped my hands over my mouth to try to keep the taste in as long as possible.

Then Carter, Mel, and I headed to Bruster's for ice cream! Um, these are the “small.” I ended up having to dump most of it in a cup and take it home for later. Next time, child's size.

Amanda and I were going to head to the park to feed the fish and turtles. But it ended up being 97F and, um, yeah, fuck that noise. So, instead, we made sugar cookies. I decided we should just use a pre-made log of dough and fancy them up with icing and sprinkles.

I decided they should be dinosaurs. Then I decided we also needed a man to represent Jesus. And then decided we should make him Adam instead and that he, clearly, needed an Eve. Eventually it was Adam and Eve frolicking amongst the dinosaurs as a giant meteor hit Earth and annihilated them all. I wanted to tell a story through cookies here, people.

Then we took them out of the oven. Our magical story and grand, elaborate plans turned to cookie blobs in a matter of minutes. Amanda, being brilliant, decided it was the carnage after the meteor hit. I like that idea.

This is the horror and chaos that science causes! Dun dun dunnnnnn.

Goddamn you, Pillsbury. But I had fun, regardless. We decided to save the icing and sprinkles for next time when Amanda could actually make the dough instead of listening when I say stupid things like, “Hey, let's just buy it pre-made!” The woman is a food science major...she should know better than to listen to me.

Horizontal stripes! Gasp!

Femme

2011-06-08T18:47:00.001-05:00

Thank you all so much for the sweet compliments!! They made me so happy and determined to wear more dresses! And, for those who asked, the dress is Just My Size and bought at WalMart a million years ago. When I showed the picture to someone, he asked, “Was that your first time in the sun ever?” Bahahaha. I know, I know, I'm chalk white.

So, I've decided, this is the summer I find my femme identity.

I've hidden my femme for so long. Out of fear for doing it wrong or looking ridiculous. I didn't wear makeup or dresses or paint my nails, not because I thought it was contradictory to my feminism or my personality but because I was afraid I didn't belong. I wore one costume out of fear I'd be viewed as wearing another. I didn't think I was pretty enough to try. I thought it was a club I could never be part of so I never applied for membership. I never rejected femme – I thought femme rejected me.

It's taken a lot of years but now I think “femme” can be anything and everything and is completely dependent on individual definitions. I don't think it's the same for everyone and it definitely doesn't have to be the rich, thin, White, able-bodied media representation of womanhood. I think femme is a state of mind. A decision to reject that social construct of femininity and create your own.

I want to wear dresses and paint my face and explore colors and patterns and be this bad-ass femme superstar who isn't afraid to be seen. And this is the summer I bring her out to play.

A Dress!

2011-06-04T09:25:00.003-05:00

I updated the about me and FAQ pages. To a degree. I was trying to overhaul my links page as well and, somehow, saving it as a draft made it disappear. Oh, Blogger, you mystify me. Ah well, I'll re-do it at some point. I joined the affiliate program for Babeland (sex shop o' awesomeness) so if you'd like to purchase some toys or porn, feel free to go through the link over to your right! Going to join a few others for shops I frequent/feel good about supporting/ Also to your right, the ad space is once again open for purchase!

Okay, now blog management is out of the way!

So, guess what I did!?

I...

(drum roll please)

wore a dress.

Dude, I'm totally not shitting you! I was hesitant because of how it clings to my belly but I wore it anyway. I had a date Thursday and decided to use it as an excuse to go out in it. In public. Without tights. And you know what? I wore it again the next day to run errands. I'm in public AND I'M NOT WEARING PANTS!!! It's like sorcery! And, of course, I took a picture for posterity!

Once I walked out the door, I felt no hesitation, no shame, no fear. I was just a fat girl in a dress. And the world didn't end.

Speaking of crossing off goals, swim time!

We've been aiming to get together every Monday night and have mostly succeeded. We eat, maybe have a couple of drinks, and then go lounge in the pool while discussing politics, dating, and sex.

I love these two girls so much; they're determined to give me an incredible first summer in the south.

I had the greatest burger of my life. I was taken to Cheeburger Cheeburger on a lunch date and holy Mary mother of god. They have 30+ toppings and eight kinds of cheese and you create your own. I ordered a burger with blue cheese, roasted red peppers, and artichoke hearts. I'm not a burger person but it was, without a doubt, the best burger I've ever had.

I was recently called a “naked fat heroine.” The single greatest title I could have ever been bestowed.

2011-06-01T08:51:00.003-05:00

Over on my tumblr I received a question. And my answer was so well liked that I thought I'd share it here as well. In case it helps someone.

Anonymous asked:

Fat acceptance. It's a concept that has never even occurred to me.
My fat is killing me. It's rather all the eating disorders and my mental image of myself that is destroying me, I know, but I hate every single fat cell in my body and I know people are disgusted with me. I realise how much brainwashed I am by the media and all those industries that make money on my dissatisfaction with the way I look (after all I wrote an entire MA thesis on it) but still... I think the fat is all I am. How do you start accepting yourself? What's the first thing you do? And something not involving other people cause there are no people in my life. I'm sorry to bother you with my issues and I'm sorry I do it anonymously. You seem to be a nice person that could push me in the right direction... are there some sites or communities helping fatties accept themselves?

You are valid.

Say it. In your mind or out loud. “I am valid.” Say it again. And again. And again. Because it's fucking TRUE.

I don't care if you weigh 150 pounds or 550 pounds. I don't care if you just ate a salad or if you just ate two meals from McDonalds. I don't care if you can walk five miles or if you can barely move. I don't care if you think you're ugly or if you think you're beautiful. Because NONE of that matters in determining your value as a human being worthy of dignity, respect, and love.

You are valid.

You are valid.

You are valid.

You are valid.

Say it. Say it a million fucking times if you have to.

You are valid.

You are valid.

YOU ARE VALID.

Even when you know you've been brainwashed, it's hard. It's so hard to love yourself when the entire world seems to tell you you shouldn't. Just because you can identify the bullshit, doesn't mean you're not still susceptible to it. There are going to be days – even when you believe you've reached complete acceptance of yourself – that you're going to stumble and fall. There are going to be days you look in the mirror and STILL hate what you see. You are not a failure. Not now and not then.

This culture wants you to hate yourself. But now? It's time to say “no.” They've taken every day before today as their own. They've stolen you from yourself. They've stolen your ability to recognize that you're worthy of love and happiness. Today is the day you take it back. Today is the day you start fighting, not to fit in, but to stand out.

You've spent your entire life hating who you are. You've spent your entire life angry at yourself for not being what they tell you to be. Here's the thing. You will never be completely acceptable. I know it's hard to hear that. I know you think, as we all do, that if we just try hard enough, we can be what they want. But we can't. Because they will never, EVER, be satisfied by who we are. So all that anger you've been feeling towards yourself? All that loathing and hate? It's time to redirect it. It's time to get angry at a society that tells us we're not good enough. It's time to get angry at a world that trains us to hate ourselves. It's time to get angry and take back the life that's been stolen from you.

The hardest thing you'll ever do is make the decision to love and accept yourself. There are so many reasons for you not to. But at the end of the day? The ONLY person who has to feel the sadness and the pain that comes from self-loathing is you. The idea that you – yes, YOU – can love yourself as you are is revolutionary. When I realized there were people who were fat and happy, it blew my fucking mind. I'm working on a post about how, exactly, that came about. Everyone's journey is different but we all take the first step for the same reason...we just can't handle hating ourselves anymore.

Check out the following links. I'm including everything from politics to fashion to just some general bad-ass fatties. I know I've probably missed a million great ones but this is a start. Just pick one at random, pick the one that sounds the best, go alphabetically. It doesn't matter. Just make the decision YOU are worth fighting for.

I know you won't believe it when I tell you this but...you aren't alone. You have an entire internet army behind you. An entire army of people who are rooting for you to love yourself, to accept yourself, to discover your own power and worth. And we'll be here, every step of the way.

Acceptance is Not "Giving Up"
Adipositivity (nudity)
Axis of Fat
Bellies Are Beautiful (photos)
Big Fat Blog
BMI: The Reality (photos)
Chubstr
The Chubster Gang
Definatalie
The Embodied
The Fat Body (In)visible (video)
FatCast (podcast)
Fat Dinosity 1 and 2 (videos)
The Fat Experience Project
Fat. Fit. Flabulous! (nudity)
Fat Girl Speaks
The Fat Nutritionist
Fat Rants 1 2 and 3 (videos)
FemmeCast (podcast)
Full Body Project (nudity)
The HAES (Health at Every Size) Manifesto (pdf)
It's a Big Fat Revolution
NOLOSE
Red Vinyl Shoes
The Rotund
Sex and the Fat Girl
Shapely Prose (archives)
Two Whole Cakes
Toil Gilrs (fatty girl pinup art)
Who's Watching the Women?
Women en Large (nudity)

And on tumblr!

Amber
Amelia Butter
Big Boy Fashion
Bon Bon
Buttah Love
Death Fatties
Fat People Art
Fat People of Color
Fuck Yeah Chubby Butches
Fuck Yeah Chubby Girls
Fuck Yeah Chubby Guys
Fuck Yeah Fat Positive
Hey, Fat Chick!
Inner Fat Girl
Jessie Dress
Kyla the Great
Riots Not Diets
STFU Sizists
Tangled Up in Lace
Tender Heart
Tropigalia
Uppity Fatty (nudity)

I'm not the best at these kinds of questions so I hope I've offered some help and support! You're not bothering me. At all. Sometimes I'm slow to respond but that's due to lack of emotional energy, not lack of interest.

I hope this helps in some small way.

xoxo
Heidi

2011-05-31T11:42:00.002-05:00

This is my first summer living in the south. I want to channel Ms. Taylor and lounge around in slips while drinking alcoholic beverages. She will be my goal. My aspiration. My muse.

I've been in major nesting mode lately. I finally, for the first time in my life, feel like I have a home. And I want to decorate and clean it. My Natalie Perkins print is finally up!

It's a bit high for my liking (realized after the fact) but the walls in this place are rock hard and just getting the tacks in this time around was work. I'll probably lower it at some point. I have more ideas for decorating my room so I'll keep you updated with what I manage to pull off!

Today I got a package from my beloved Tia.

That's Victoria Secret's Pretty in Pink set. I was worried that it would be cloying and sickly sweet because I don't really do flowery or fruity but, oh my god. Swooooon! It's sweet but not overwhelmingly so. I'm in love with it; I can't stop sniffing myself! And that's only happened with two other scents ever. I was talking to Sonya about how I wanted perfume as I used the last of it before I moved and missed smelling pretty. Tia to the rescue!

Apparently part of my nesting is the desire to cook. This morning I cooked some pasta and topped it with some jarred garlic marinara sauce. Then added in raw baby spinach, canned tuna, shredded parmesan, and garlic salt.

Yum! And pasta majorly fills me up so I'm set with food for the day! My food goal for next week is this Couscous Feta Salad. I'm thinking of adding baked tofu to it as well.

My new medications are going really well. Dude. I managed to have a 20-minute orgasm. With no toys. Two days in a row! That's never happened before. I've only been off my old meds for a short time and my sex drive and ability to orgasm (clearly!) are back in full force. Oh, thank god. I still haven't received my pain killers. Walmart is having trouble getting them. Hopefully this Friday.

To answer a question left (more than once): My psychiatrist put me on disability for my mental health issues. I have been on federal disability for nearly two years now. This allows me to get by and also gives me (as of February) the ability to see doctors and receive help for my myriad physical and emotional issues. As of April, I'm on a prescription medication program (through my disability) that actually allows me to afford all of my psychiatric drugs, my nerve blocker, my pain killers... Before February I was skipping doses, begging for samples from previous (and now out-of-state) doctors, and just not filling prescriptions at all.

I finally am starting to feel emotionally and physically able to get my life together – which includes employment. I'm working to figure out a way to go back to work. This means finding a job that I can emotionally and physically deal with and that offers medical insurance. Both of these are integral to me being able to function. I cannot survive without medical and psychiatric help and medication.

I understand people's points but telling someone to just “get a job” isn't really helpful.

2011-05-26T14:30:00.001-05:00

I've been spending more time with friends!

Monday night was red wine, pasta with pesto and avocado, and talking about online dating and sex.

The next night they fed me Conecuh sausage with potatoes and cabbage. Wii tennis failure and drinks. Then we spent hours in the dark pool, talking, laughing, looking at the stars, and listening to the Beatles and Stevie Wonder. They want me to make a list of all the things I want to do this summer; all the things I've never done that are southern.

Last night I headed to another friend's for red wine and beef stroganoff.

This weekend I'm wearing a dress. Look at that, it's not even June and I'm going to have two things crossed off my list! Swimming and a dress in one week!

Here are some pictures of me with my little kitten niece. Excuse the demon eyes. She likes sleeping on my tits but, really, who doesn't?

I've been trying to figure out how to get better at self-care. And what's worked well for me in the past has been lists. This time around I came up with the idea of a whiteboard. I've listed what I need to do daily (brush teeth, wash face, read, write, clean, vitamins, medications, work on my to do list, etc.) and mark things off as completed. I don't cross everything off everyday but I'm getting better. Progress not perfection!

Today was my last session of physical therapy. My therapist is moving to Florida and, since I've been going for awhile, he wanted to know if I was comfortable continuing on my own or if I wanted to keep coming in. I decided to try on my own, knowing I still have a month or so where I can go in and it'll be covered. I'm worried I won't be able to motivate myself. But it has to happen eventually so now is as good a time as any to try.

Several people wanted to know what, exactly, I do in physical therapy. Which got me to thinking. A lot of folks with chronic pain/injuries can't afford/don't have the time/don't have the insurance coverage to go to physical therapy. So would it help anyone if I made (pitiful) drawings and actually wrote exactly what a session is like for me? I'm totally happy to do it if it would help any of you; just let me know!