Sunday, July 9, 2017

The Last Year

So I’m, what, nearly a year behind at this point? I’m not sure what happened. But let’s try to play a little catch up!

Soon after Gene Wilder’s birthday we went to a special screening of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

In attendance were the actors who played Veruca, Violet, and Mike!

Did a little bit of decorating for Halloween.

I had cotton candy hair.

 Matt continued being adorable.


On my birthday we had front row seats for A John Waters Christmas!! I wore my Divine dress too because I love dressing thematically! Sadly, taking photos was prohibited. At one point he made a joke about Chaturbate and I was only who laughed so he walked over to me and said, “You’re the only one here who knows what Chaturbate is!” I felt so proud!

It snowed and was so cold the nearby lake froze over.

And Matt walked on water.

I surprised Matt with tickets to Todd Snider, his favorite singer.

 My two favorite bellies!

Went to the ER with a concussion on Christmas.

Spent a week at the Grand Canyon. (Insane number of pictures to follow.)

Health - Physical
Hmmmm. Well, let’s go with the good!

I have a new pain specialist who’s pretty awesome and offers a lot of options aside from pills. We started the procedures in February. For the pain in my lower back, they burned off layers of my nerves on both sides of my spine. For the fire-agony-nerve-damage in my hands (which wakes me up screaming/causes me to cry in my sleep) they injected numbing compounds into my neck (which is where my jacked vertebrae are crushing and destroying the nerves that go to my hands). Even under anesthesia and IV painkillers, I had to bite down and cry out into the mat I was lying on during the injections. But they helped! Until they didn’t. But doing them on the regular definitely makes them freak out less often. Which is a fucking miracle. 

Next week I’m getting injections in my sacrum. Which I’m excited about due to how much agony that spot holds but equally terrified over because I know how screamingly painful those injections are going to be. Even doctors just brushing them fingers against it makes me cry out and jerk away, no matter how hard I steel myself, clench my teeth, and hold steady in preparation...the pain is so bad I can’t stop myself from screaming out loud and jerking away. Sometimes so hard I’ve slid right off the other side of the table! Most recently I pulled away a foot and slammed face first into the wall. STILL BETTER THAN HAVING MY SACRUM TOUCHED. Sigh.

So alllllllll that shit + massage + chiropractor + painkillers have been such a good combination that allows me to be much more functional than without. Not as functional as I desperately want but it’s a huge improvement!

Health - Mental
Okay. This has been...difficult. Very difficult. On the verge of hospitalizing myself numerous times the last couple of years kind of difficult.

My psychiatrist made some adjustments to my meds numerous times and it just...wasn’t working. I shouldn’t take 9.5 pills every single day and STILL want to die constantly! I started seeing a new psychiatrist two months ago and she was stunned that my previous one decided I wasn’t bipolar and took me completely off my mood stabilizer. Which happened two years ago. Which is when I moved here and haven’t managed to get out of the suicidal depression since. When I told him a few months back that the last two years have been unbearable and I haven’t felt sane since moving here he basically told me I was wrong and went through my entire file telling me each month I said I was fine. My question is… He says the last two years have been fine for me. So why did he, less than a year ago, bring up electroshock therapy? Do you really talk about ELECTROSHOCK with someone who you think has been just fine? What the fuck, man.

The new one immediately started back on the mood stabilizer. And then had to try another. It’s been difficult to find a medication that doesn’t cause muscle spasming/pain/twitching so horrible I can’t stay on them. The one most recent had me screaming and twitching for 12 hours the two times I took it before having to stop because it’s just not...I can’t handle it. Tomorrow I start it again with the addition of another medication that should stop the muscle issues. But honestly I’m scared to death to start again because it was just so bad.

I also have a new therapist and I like her a lot. In our first session I was explaining my history with medication and hospitalization and depression and how it’s this constant struggle against my own brain. She asked, “What if you stopped fighting it?” And that’s what caused me to finally start crying. “What would it feel like to stop struggling against yourself? If you just accepted that it’s who you are. I don’t mean giving up on your medication and therapy. But what if you accepted that some people have sadness in them. That it’s part of who you are; that the darkness makes you compassionate and complex. Wouldn’t it feel good to stop fighting?”

I cried because I can’t fucking imagine that. I can’t imagine my brain not being the enemy that constantly needs to be controlled and corralled and beaten into submission. I can’t imagine not trying to find a way to destroy that part of myself. Sigh. But when I don’t fight, I spiral and spiral hard. So, we shall see! I think I’m going to enjoy working with her.

Matt and I are at 2.5 years and holding strong! It’s hard because the health shit and depression have basically caused me to stay home 90% of the time and I want to do more. I want Matt to be able to do more. But it’s getting better due to the new pain control stuff. Now if only the depression would calm the fuck down. We have been on some adventures so yay for that! I’ll have a couple more posts soon about the last two!


  1. I am so happy to hear about what's been up for you. I have missed your blog and think about you often.
    I hope these new paths bring you to places you dream of going.

  2. I'm so happy to see you and Matt are still together and that you seem to have a pretty good team helping you out! I have missed your updates and I hope that things keep improving for you.

  3. Heidi, it's great to see you blogging again. I think I had messaged you a long time ago and we chatted on Facebook about meds, I don't expect you to remember (I'm Lisa Kasen on Facebook).

    Is it possible that you could be malabsorbing your meds? The absorbtion issues post rny, aren't so black and white and they can get worse, the further post op you or any bariatric peep is.

    I'm over 15 1/2 post rny and almost 7 years post reversal but I remember I was on the psychotropic cocktail from HELL, almost 8 years ago. 60 mgs of Zyprexa, 2000 mgs of Depakote, 800 mgs of Seroquel and 600 of Zoloft a day. Even with gi bleeds and documented absorption issues, I still got all the side effects of the meds.

    I don't know if you're still having labs done, as far as vites and nutrients, that could give you an idea, if that is playing a part, too.

    I'm glad they were able to figure out a way to help with pain, I'm hoping that they can find a way to get you feeling better with meds, but not medicating you like they did me where I got side effects from being on what should've been a felonious amount of psychotropics..

    Take care for now.. Peace, Lisa