Tuesday, September 29, 2015

This is totally hard for me to admit/talk about but...fuck shame, right?  Right.  Matt and I have been discussing buying me a wheelchair to use when my pain is limiting me.  Which is a line I told myself I’d never cross.  See, I’ve never even ridden in one of those electric carts at the grocery store because I was afraid of being judged.  Oh, look, lazy fat ass can’t even walk in WalMart.  Instead I’d be pushing a cart, my back hurting so badly I’d be literally shaking and sweating from pain, my legs about to give out.  When Matt and I went to Mt Rushmore, we sat in the car for a very long time, my trying to decide if I was capable of the walk because the seven hour drive left me in so much pain I could barely move and Matt trying to convince me there was nothing embarrassing about needing a wheelchair.  So we walked to the office, he went in, and came back with a borrowed chair.  I climbed in and taught him about setting the damn brakes and lifting the footrests.  Then he wheeled me to the mountain.  And he had fun!  He enjoyed pushing me but, even more, he enjoyed that I was able to do something I so badly wanted to do.  When we were back in the car, I hugged him hard and wouldn't let him go.  I whispered thanks for him pushing me beyond my comfort zone and for knowing I’m capable of more than I think.

This weekend we went to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science and borrowed a wheelchair.  And, dude?  It was amazing.  In empty hallways or going down ramps, he’d push as fast as he could and I’d shriek-giggle and throw my arms in the air as if I were on a roller coaster.  We saw dinosaur bones and a topaz the size of my head.  It was so much fun.  If we hadn’t used the chair, I wouldn’t have been able to stay for even 1/4 as long as we did and I wouldn’t have been able to move or walk the next day.  My doctor is going submit an order and see if it can be covered.  But even if it isn’t, we’re going to buy one...because it would make such a hugely positive change in my life.  I won’t have to keep putting things off for, “when my body isn’t a total mess.”  Using a chair would mean I can have adventures and do fun things while working on my health and pain issues so that, one day, I won’t need it.

We saw a 3D movie about the Galapagos at their IMAX and then one about black holes in their planetarium.  I’d never seen a 3D movie before!  I kept trying to touch the turtles.

Matt’s birthday and our one year anniversary are the same day next month so we’re going to spend a few days in the mountains at a town known for their hot springs.  We’re planning museum visits, a Jeep tour, a train ride, lots of soaking, and hopefully loads of adventures!  I’m super excited.  My anxiety/depression issues and constant pain problems are all currently under control enough to finally make this happen after wanting to go ever since moving here!

I’m up to 130 books read this year!

Books Read in August & September
The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating by Elisabeth Tova Bailey - Gah!  Love love love love LOVED this!
Mr. Popper's Penguins by Florence and Richard Atwater
The Paper Magician by Charlie N Holmberg
The Glass Magician by Charlie N Holmberg
The Master Magician by Charlie N Holmberg
Colt Coltrane and the Lotus Killer by Allison M Dickson
Colt Coltrane and the Harrowing Heights of Hollywoodland by Allison M Dickson
Indestructible by Cristy C Road
The Third Coin by JA Howard
Thru-Hiking Will Break Your Heart: An Adventure on the Pacific Crest Trail by Carrot Quinn
The Last Supper by Allison M Dickson
1984 by George Orwell
The Murder at the Vicarage by Agatha Christie
The Thirteen Problems by Agatha Christie
The Body in the Library by Agatha Christie
The Moving Finger by Agatha Christie
A Murder Is Announced by Agatha Christie
They Do It with Mirrors by Agatha Christie
A Pocket Full of Rye by Agatha Christie
4:50 From Paddington by Agatha Christie
The Mirror Crack'd from Side to Side by Agatha Christie
A Caribbean Mystery by Agatha Christie
At Bertram's Hotel by Agatha Christie
Nemesis by Agatha Christie
A Long Walk to Water by Linda Sue Park
Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O’Dell
The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame (twice)
Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly by Anthony Bourdain
Grandma Gatewood's Walk: The Inspiring Story of the Woman Who Saved the Appalachian Trail by Ben Montgomery
A Widow's Walk Off-Grid to Self-Reliance
Marilyn: Norma Jean by Gloria Steinem
Free Country: A Penniless Adventure the Length of Britain by George Mahood
Mary Poppins by Dr PL Travers
Mary Poppins Comes Back by Dr PL Travers
Mary Poppins Opens the Door by Dr PL Travers
Mary Poppins in the Park by Dr PL Travers
Marilyn: Norma Jeane by Gloria Steinem
The Adventures of KungFu Mike and the Magic Sunglasses: A Confession by Michael Boulerice
The Borrowers by Mary Norton
Daughters of the Red Light: Coming of Age in Mumbai's Brothels by Shanoor Seervai
The Abductors by Patrick C Green
Follow the Rabbit-Proof Fence by Doris Pilkington
Diary of a Wimpy Kid 1, 2, & 3 by Jeff Kinney
The Origin of Dracula by Irving Belateche
Wrapped in Red: Thirteen Tales of Vampiric Horror
Wrapped In White: Thirteen Tales of Spectres, Ghosts, and Spirits
Wrapped In Black: Thirteen Tales of Witches and the Occult
Casino Royale by Ian Fleming
Beat The Devil by Mishka Shubaly
Are You Lonesome Tonight? by Mishka Shubaly
Bachelor Number One by Mishka Shubaly
Shipwrecked by Mishka Shubaly
The Long Run by Mishka Shubaly
Adrift: Seventy-six Days Lost at Sea by Steven Callahan


  1. This is the most shallow possible comment, but it must be said that your Matt is a VERY handsome young man. Well done.

    (Now I feel lecherous! More so than usual!)

  2. You are so right to make the most of tools available to you. I am happy for you!!

  3. I started using a wheelchair in 2008. It was very, very hard for me to do so - I had all the feelings you describe.

    But it was life-changing. Instead of being trapped in my apartment, I can go places with the chair. I was able to hold onto my job because of it. I have a better life because of the chair. It's a tool, and it makes my life richer and fuller. I'd be lost without my chair now.

    You may feel funny when you first get the chair. But that will go away. And then you'll be going everywhere! Good for you!

  4. My bunny jumped across the keyboard right as I was going to publish that last comment. Please excuse any weird stuff at the end. (feel free to delete this comment)

  5. Reading about how awesome Matt is makes me so fucking happy for you! I've been lurking on here for 7+ years and it's super exciting (in a voyeuristic, the-Internet-is-kinda-weird way) to see you receive love and kindness--both of which seem to have been in short supply in your life.

    P.S. "Fuck shame" is one of my mantras. Thanks for introducing it to me. :-)