Wednesday, August 5, 2015

It’s been a hard month.  At least two weeks of me mentally breaking down, several days of brokenness, my girlfriend and I are over, back pain like a motherfucker, etc.  And now, my peripheral neuropathy is flaring HARD CORE.  It hasn’t happened in three years so I got cocky that it wouldn’t happen again.  Hmph.  The pain is, truly, beyond comprehension.  It’s worse than  any pain I’ve ever experienced.  Crippling back pain and gallstones are a fucking cakewalk by comparison!  The neuropathy is a result of my vertebrae crushing the nerves that lead to my hands, causing misfires.  I’m not sure how to explain the pain.  The closest I can get is, your hands are in the painful pins and needles stage of waking up from being asleep and are then shoved into a fire.  I can’t do anything about it.  I just sit on my bed, my hands clenched as tightly as possible, rocking back and forth, whimpering or whispering, “Oh my god oh my god oh my god please stop please please please stop.”  Occasionally I have to bite down on a pillow while I scream into it at the top of my lungs.  My fingers are so swollen I can’t get my ring off.  They’ve swollen so big in the last week that it felt as if the skin was going to split open.  When the pain is low enough for me to try to do things, it’s a mess because my hands are partially numb so I’m constantly dropping things and knocking shit over.  It’s improved recently so thank god for that!


I met with a new surgeon and he’s amazing and kind and I’m getting my gallbladder yanked out in two weeks.  I referred to myself as “fat” and he said, “We don’t use that word here.”

"Hmmm, well it's not a bad word and I use it but I see what you're saying. What word do you use? 'Bigger'? 'Larger'?"

And he replied, "'People frequently discriminated against by medical professionals."

Hi, marry me.

I’m nervous about the surgery but I know I’ll feel a lot better once it’s over and done with.  Two weeks and counting!

My hair is a gorgeously neon pink and purple.

Before my hands freaked the fuck out, I hit a good spot while Matt was out of town for a week for work and I cleaned and organized the entire place, top to bottom.  And DAMN did I feel accomplished and proud!

Um um um oh!

The CPAP machine I sleep with due to my apnea is working pretty well!  It’s slightly cumbersome and weird but I sleep hard and through the night when I wear it.  (Full disclosure, I’m on Ambien as well, so that obvs helps.)  I don’t think I could fall asleep wearing it if I didn’t have the Ambien.  It’s just very...unnatural.

I feel as if my shitty health has overtaken my life, sigh.  But I shall continue to chug forward!  I shall persevere, god damn it!

Books Read in May, June, & July
We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson - Like... how did I exist before this book entered my life?
salt. by Nayyirah Waheed - Speechless.  Beautiful.  Absolutely gutted by this.
City of Endless Night by Milo Hastings - Mind blowingly prophetic and published in 1920, I think this goes to the top of my list of Dystopian Future Favorites.
The Specific Scent of Snakes by Laura Collins Lyster-Mensh - Some truly beautiful writing.
Strings by Allison Dickson - I read this book in May. It's currently July 11th and I just had to order a nightlight. This book HAUNTS ME. Scenes pop into my mind every single time I wake up and walk to the bathroom in the dark. Because of this book, I AM FREAKED OUT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF MY LIFE. Clearly, Alison Dickson is doing something right. On the plus side, the nightlight is a unicorn. So, ya know, I have that going for me. /shame

Palm Sunday by Kurt Vonnegut
Fates Worse Than Death by Kurt Vonnegut
Sucker's Portfolio by Kurt Vonnegut
Timequake by Kurt Vonnegut
Bagombo Snuff Box by Kurt Vonnegut
Hocus Pocus by Kurt Vonnegut
Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri
A Good Man Is Hard to Find and Other Stories by Flannery O'Connor - Wow, she was racist!
Holiday Wrappings: A Selection of Witches, Ghosts, and Vampires from the Wrapped Anthology Series
A House to Let by Charles Dickens
Hunted Down by Charles Dickens
The Running Man by Stephen King
The Innocence of Father Brown by GK Chesterton
The Wisdom of father Brown by GK Chesterton
A Study in Scarlet by Arthur Conan Doyle
The Sign of Four by Arthur Conan Doyle
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle
The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle
The Hound of the Baskervilles by Arthur Conan Doyle
The Return of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle
His Last Bow by Arthur Conan Doyle
The Valley of Fear by Arthur Conan Doyle
The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle - A story in third person?!?  Holmes narrating?!?  WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE!?!?
The Woman Who Did by Grant Allen
An African Millionaire by Grant Allen
Miss Cayley's Adventures by Grant Allen - Love love love!!  "Adventures are to the adventurous. They abound on every side; but only the chosen few have the courage to embrace them. And they will not come to you: you must go out to seek them. Then they meet you half-way, and rush into your arms, for they know their true lovers."

1 comment:

  1. I experience that sort of hand pain because of Raynaud's Syndrome. It is agonising and feels like the worst pins and needles but burning at full heat at the same time. I also can't do anything with my hands when it is happening because of the pain-numbness. It sucks. I hope having your gall bladder out helps. Having mine out was a walk in the park and I hope yours goes just as smoothly.