Two of my doctors brought up my having a sleep study done so I did one at home. Did you know they have in-home sleep studies? Because they totally do. You just strap a box to your chest, shove some tubes up your nose, put a pulse monitor on your finger and you’re ready to sleep! So, yes, have the apnea. I’m currently awaiting the delivery of a mask; my doctor says she thinks it’ll really help with my crippling fatigue issues so, yay for upcoming improvements! I’ve warned Matt of my forthcoming CPAP machine sexiness because he, clearly, won’t be able to keep his hands off of me.
I’ve started a new pain medication, Nucynta, and it seems to be helping! When I’m taking it consistently, there’s definitely an improvement. It’s not an immediate BOOM pain relief and is more of a subtle build so I don’t even really notice it until I no longer have it, at which point I realize how much better it’s been. But because it's non-generic and hella fucking expensive ($900+ out of pocket monthly ahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa) they're fighting it as unnecessary. I've been without for two weeks and in fucking agony and just got a call from my pain doctor's office to apologize and admit they fucked up and dropped the ball and never responded to insurance when they got the denial 10 days ago. I swear to god, she was more upset than I was. “It’s okay, I totally understand, I know it wasn’t intentional, these things happen!” “No, it’s not fair, it shouldn’t have happened, you shouldn’t be in so much pain....” ITS GOING TO BE OKAY, DO YOU NEED A HUG!? So, okay, in order to get a drug they don’t cover, you need to show that nothing else works. So Medicare’s solution is to make me take Morphine instead. Like, specifically Morphine. I expect to go to my doctor in a month and say, “Okay, I’ve been unconscious for 30 days, NEXT!”
I’ve had a few friend dates in the last month! Two with a very sweet girl I get along super well with and we’re having a DVD marathon in a couple of days. Might be some dirty stuff happening at some point as she’s expressed a very strong desire for it and I think it’d be way fun. My other friend date was with a potential FWB who I really had fun having (a really delicious) dinner with. And then a delightful little makeout in the car. It was interesting to kiss someone who also has lip rings! Look at me meeting new people and occasionally leaving the house! Okay, very occasionally but still, it counts!
A photographer took dirrrty pictures of me for a book he’s compiling on women’s sexual empowerment. It was a super fun shoot but it’s hard for me to look at most of the pictures without feeling a LOT of negative shit. But I’m trying to desensitize myself to it by forcing myself to look and counteracting the mean stuff that automatically comes to mind. But I do really like some of them! I’d post but can’t. I mean, I’m naked all over the goddamn internet so I, clearly, don’t care but I’d like to give Matt SOME privacy!
I’ve been struggling, finding it harder to love myself than it has been in awhile. In the past, the way I’d overcome my self loathing - the way I made myself capable of looking in the mirror and liking what I saw - was by doing something that terrified me. Whether it was as small an act as wearing a sleeveless dress to a party or as massive as posting a photo of myself naked online, doing something that scared me and surviving it made all the difference. So when the opportunity to be photographed presented itself, I didn’t hesitate to say yes. Before our appointment, while we discussed what my boyfriend and I might want to do, I brought up some of the kinks he and I have and the D/s aspect of our relationship. Ricardo asked, “Are you in love?” “Yes, very much so. So much that it’s gross.” He replied, “Don’t show me the fetish, show me the love.” And we did.
Matt’s friend is in a really great bluegrass group, Rock Bottom String Band, and they were touring a bit and performed in Colorado for Choice City Stomp (which I actually think I’d like to attend next year.) I was in a lot of fucking pain so we were planning to only see them but when we arrived we found out they weren’t selling at the door any longer for that night. Son of a bitch. But the lady at the door was super cool and let us sit on the front porch and watch through the window, which was the back of the stage. Matt and I have already decided that they’re our wedding band. Here, check some of their music out!
This is my everything right now.
Remember, a “no” is free. Ask for the world and pay no mind if you are initially turned down. A career in the arts is like a hitchhiking trip: All you need is one person to say “Get in” and off you go. And then the confidence begins.