Tuesday, March 3, 2015

So, um, I now have a girlfriend!  Life is so amazing and still manages to surprise the hell out of me from time to time!

I’ve known Jenna online for a dozen years now.  We occasionally lose touch but she’s one of those friends who could disappear for years but then, when you start talking again, it’s as if you never stopped.   She’s always been such an important part of my life, helping me get through all the shit that bombarded me through my 20s.  She was always the one I could be honest with, no matter how embarrassed or ashamed I felt.  Of the people I talk with regularly, she’s been in my life the longest.

We’ve been talking nonstop the last several weeks and she said there was something she needed to tell me.  She was so nervous and so scared, her heart racing.  And she told me.  She told me she’s in love with me and has been for many years.

She’s in love with me.  And…I’m in love with her.

Because she lives in Oregon, things are a little more difficult.  Well, frustrating more so than difficult.  Still…we’re in a relationship!  Eeeeep!  And we’re both so happy and so incredibly excited to see where things go.

Both of our respective guys are completely supportive and happy for us.  Which makes me happier than words can express.  Because neither one of us would have moved forward if either of them didn’t want to come with us.  I’m making sure to check in with Matt about things because the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him or cause him pain.  We have really great communication but I’m also checking in with him to give him a way to discuss anything he has trouble bringing up.  We’re all doing really well in terms of communicating our concerns, our desires, our feelings, our needs…  He loves Jenna, Jenna loves him, I love Jenna’s guy, Jenna’s guy loves me,…we’re just a big ol’ pile of mushy love!

I feel so loved and so taken care of and so wanted and just so…happy.  So fucking happy, oh my god!  Matt loves how sweet she is to me and that’s what she loves about him too.  Surrounded by all this, how can I feel anything other than perfect!?

When Jenna and I met before, we both were too shy to make any sort of sexual move.  Both feeling too awkward and shy to kiss the other, then viewing that as proof the other wasn’t attracted to us!  Sigh.  Self doubt is such a bitch.  But, yeah, needless to say, we’re ridiculously in lust with one another.  Which makes me so giggly and blush.

She makes me feel so beautiful.

im not like some mother theresa for thinking youre sexy, its not a charity. you just are. many many people think you are. yes you are not everyoens cup of tea.. well no one is for that matter. im certainly not. theres people out there who look at stunningly gorgeous women like jennifer lawrence or fucking beyonce or j lo or whoever and go meh.

i love you, heidi.. all of you. the whole person. your body is just a body. it's not bad or good, it's just a body. it's a beautiful body that has carried you through some tough times and made you feel excitement and passion and love. it simply does not matter to me that much. i love YOU, i love the body you're in now, not some theoretical future body in which you might be thinner or perkier. just how you are is exactly how i like you, and if you change, if you gain weight or lose weight, ill like that body too.


And another time I struggled with my body issues…

Jenna: well i AM aware of what you look like even if your dumb brain tells you im gonna freak out every time i see you 
Jenna: honey.. you are so beautiful. god, i know you dont see it. and i do understand that.. but please try to tell yourself that I DO see it.
Jenna: you never need to hide from me
Jenna: i see you

Me: oh god i just got so teary eyed

Jenna: haha god im the worst, i make my girlfriend cry too much!

Me: but theyre all happy tears!

Do you remember how surreal my time with Matt feels?  The feeling that this can’t be real.  That there’s no way someone this amazing could feel this for me.  That feeling…  Somehow, the surreal just got even more surreal!  

Matt made me realize what love truly is and she’s made me realize that that love is limitless; that I can love her as much as I do and it doesn’t lessen my love for Matt.  The two of them are totally crushing on each other and it’s the cutest thing ever.  I’m crushing on her husband, her husband is crushing on me…  We’re just this massive puppy pile of love!  They’ve made me realize that when you truly love and truly trust someone, the jealousy and possessiveness melts away.  

How in hell did I go from happily enjoying and accepting spinsterhood to having not one but two incredible relationships with two incredible people practically overnight?!

Here’s my beautiful and amazing special lady friend.

If I hadn’t already been completely and utterly smitten for years, this would have sealed the deal.

And, hello?  Fuck yes.


  1. Um, if you're engaged, it may not be the best idea to bring another party into your relationship. It's not my business, but I've heard of these situations going badly, and I'd hate for that to happen to you. You've waited a lifetime for Matt, haven't you? Do you really want someone else to confuse things? Because eventually, something will have to give. I would be clear on what I wanted if I were you. But this may not end well. And you are moving for him and starting a new life...I don't know...hope it works out for you. you might want to be sure about all of this, though. Or slow down? It doesn't all have to be figured out overnight. Good luck. I might be a little oversensitive because my cherished 13 year marriage went up in flames 7 months ago, and I'd give anything to be his wife again. I've never been so unhappy, and I'd hate for you to be unhappy. Maybe I'm just projecting--if I am, sorry! But please think about what you're doing because there could potentially be consequences later.

  2. Squee! I am so excited for you. I know you will get some negative feedback on your love life but just tell the haters to go to hell. As long as all of the people involved in said relationship are happy with how things are going, then you guys just rock the fuck on. It is no one's business but yours!

    I think the reason you have found so much love "suddenly" in your life is that you worked hard to get to the point where you could step back and let the universe do what it needed to do to bring you love and joy. I, for one, am thrilled for all four of you and the adventures you will have. I wish you all nothing but sunshine and smiles! <3