Tuesday, December 2, 2014

My love for M is scary.  M's love for me is even scarier.  I’ve never been loved this way.  So deeply and intensely.  Fully and with no reservation or hesitation.  How do I believe it’s real?  How do I believe it’s going to last?  How do I believe I deserve it?

This is the love I never thought I’d have.  I thought I’d always be someone’s second best, the one they settled for.  But, god, he loves me.  He loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone before.  We both know this is happening fast and it’s terrifying.  But it’s a good kind of terrifying?  In a way?  The terror that comes with adventure and change and growth.  The terror that comes with getting something you’ve always wanted but never thought would be yours.

I’ve spent the last two years intentionally not dating.  Working on myself and pushing forward.  I accepted the fact that I would never have romantic love and that acceptance took away so much pressure and disappointment.  Everyone saw it as giving up but I didn’t.  It was completely possible I’d be alone and being okay with that worst-case scenario gave me absolute freedom.

Being in a relationship has made me a bit…insecure, through no fault of his.  I’m not used to this so I’m constantly asking, what in hell does this adorable, brilliant, kind, sweet boy see in me?  I’m just this flawed and struggling girl who is in a compete state of flux…that he thinks is perfect.  He loves every single bit of me.  I still find it all so surreal that I think I’m dreaming.

I’m just so fucking happy!  I’m finally happy with my life - which he’s a big part of it - and I don’t quite know how to accept that as my reality.  But I’m trying.  I’m trying to be more present and in the moment; to not worry about how everything could fall apart.  I’m going to sit back and enjoy the ride.  Because the possibility of future sadness shouldn’t make me give up the happiness I’ve somehow found now.

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