Since my father’s suicide, guns have terrified me. He shot himself while I was in the next room; I found the body and dealt with the aftermath. I can still smell the gunpowder. I didn’t even realize my fear while I still lived in Los Angeles as I never had any interaction with them. How would I? But then I moved to Alabama. The gun culture between the two is a complete 180. I discovered my fear.
A friend got a gun for protection and I asked if I could hold it. Once it was in my hand I completely panicked and yelled for her to take it away from me because I couldn’t deal.
I’m just so very tired of fear. So M took me to the shooting range. I was shaking so hard - from the moment we exited the freeway until the second or third gun. And after awhile, I wasn’t afraid. We shot several different guns - a 22, a 357, a Glock, a 9mm, a rifle, a shotgun…
Please note the terror in my eyes.
It was really fun! I was horrible at it but it was still fun! And then. I found out what it feels like to have a shotgun recoil directly into your face. Spoiler alert: bloody nose and agony. But I CONQUERED MY FEAR OF GUNS! FUCK YEAH, I DID!
After that we unintentionally charmed a bartender into giving us free drinks and had dirty roadside sex.
Matthew met Carter! And it went really well. Afterward I asked what she thought. “He’s sweet and adorable. Kinda like a puppy!” Then the next day he and I met up with her and a few folks at the bar and, when he went in to get another drink, they commented on how obviously in love he is with me and how, “He totally is like a puppy!” Heeee!
I went back to Atlanta with him and we went to The Clermont Lounge and I got a couple of lap dances. It was a really good time and I can totally see why it’s “ranked as one of the coolest dive bars in the world.” The dancers were awesome; a huge age range and so many different body types - little bellies to downright fat! It was so great to see these women just revel in their bodies and have no shame about showing them off.
Everything’s going well. My therapist is on maternity leave so I do miss her. I did fall off the habit of taking my meds but I’m back on track. It helps that he reminds me a lot.