The level of “mistake” that my ex Brian took me to is…mind boggling. We started dating a month after my dad’s suicide. In retrospect, this isn’t a surprise. I needed distraction; I needed something else to focus on; I needed something and someone to run to; I needed to hide from reality. I was 30 and he was only my second boyfriend. My first relationship being a nightmare, I had no idea what a normal, healthy relationship was.
He was a con man and I was his mark. But he said he loved me. And why would anyone lie about that? I’d never lie about that so how could anyone else? I was a goddamn idiot.
I ignored everyone and everything that told me I was wrong; that I was acting out of desperation. That I was being used and I deserved better. I ignored my friends. I ignored my mom. I ignored his sister. I ignored his brother in law. I ignored his ex-girlfriend. I ignored my instincts. Dude, I ignored things online talking about what a manipulative piece of shit he was (because I believed him when he said it wasn’t true.) And, god, it takes a lot of effort to ignore that many people. In four months I was annihilated. Him still being in love with his ex, shitty sex, childishness, immaturity, narcissism, constant manipulation, user, mooch, thief. Liar. Lies. So many lies.
Do you know the thing that hurt the most? Him posting pictures on MySpace of the camping trip we and his sister and brother-in-law went on and all the ones of me had been deleted. And he didn’t mention me once in writing about it. They were both so glaringly intentional. Which meant he was either trying to get laid/find someone new via MySpace or he was ashamed of me. And considering we were always together, the latter was obviously the case. And that gutted me. More so because my last boyfriend had been ashamed of me too. To the point of not taking me out in public. So, once again, I was so fucking disgusted with myself. I’m so fat and ugly that no one can admit he’s desperate enough to be with me. And at that moment I understood. I understood why he would be. I mean, look at me, right? No wonder I didn’t end things…I was already so fucking used to it.
What if no one else loves me? Even though this isn’t love. What if this is the best I’ll ever have? Even though this is truly the worst. I’m so tired of being alone but what if I truly am so gross that no one will ever want to be seen with me?
As soon as I couldn’t give him what he wanted, he dumped me over text. I was crushed but also relieved because I couldn’t end it earlier. Why didn’t I listen and just walk away? No one understood why I didn’t end it first. Neither did I, really. I wanted to and I knew it was the right thing to do but I just…couldn’t.
I invested so much and I just desperately needed to believe he would be with me. Would love me. If I gave him what he wanted, he’d stay. I can earn his love and he’ll stay with me if I just try harder. I can earn his love. I can earn his love. I can earn his love. Just like I tried to earn the love of the boyfriend before him. Just like I tried so hard to earn the love of my parents. And I failed every damn time.
He had complete power over everything, including the end. Why I didn’t take, at least, the power of ending the shitty situation I was in? Because I was desperate enough to stay.
Why was I so desperate? Why didn’t I run immediately? Why didn’t I see his lies and manipulations as deal breakers? Why did I let him use me and destroy me? Why didn’t I think I was worthy enough? Because I never had been. I never thought I could be loved without sacrifice and constant effort on my part. It was all I ever knew.
The only good thing that happened was saying no when he tried to get me back. Well, actually, his ex and I ended up liking each other and being friendly. And then she introduced me to a friend of hers on Facebook who I currently have a mega crush on. Also, several lessons learned. So I guess some good ultimately came of it. But I still want to punch that fucker in the throat!
This contains more questions than answers because I really don’t know all the answers. But it helps explain why my being in a relationship right now would be a horrible idea. Because I still fear ending up in the same situation. I need to focus on bettering myself and not worry about whether or not someone wants to date me.
Friday, August 22, 2014
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Heidi,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for years and years. I am trying to think of how to say this without being an ahole. You have been stuck on these same issues forever. Your lisst of things to talk about are no different from what they were 5 years ago. You endured horrible traumas while growing up- things I can't even imagine. But I wonder at what point do you decide to let your present and future win? Be stronger from your experience and get up, get out and do something with your life? You are fun and bright and have so much to offer. It seems sad that instead your mind is stuck on all the negative and bad in your life.
A close friend of my mother's was sexually abused by her father and his friends. She is now about 55 and has wasted her life away being angry and stuck on what happened. I hate to say it, but her life has no present meaning. She is crabby and alone.
I hope you are able to take this with the positive (tho frustrated) viewpoint that is intended. Like I said, I have not experienced this sort of trauma, but I want you to use your powers to rise above and stop dwelling.
Oh no, please don't think you're being an asshole! I absolutely know what you mean. In real life I really am a happy and positive person. And, currently, I'm the happiest I've ever been. But I guess I worry there's some hidden shit I haven't dealt with that I should. I don't know how to explain it. Like, maybe I don't think I deserve to be this happy so I need to find a way to counteract with bad? I honestly don't think about this stuff in general. I don't ever get triggered or overwhelmed by the past. I guess maybe I feel "moving on" means diving into it as deeply as I can and really digging it out.
DeleteI'm not angry at my either of my parents anymore. My exes were dicks but I just have to try to not repeat my mistakes. I'm growing and improving and being so much better at taking care of myself and making better decisions. Like, I honestly see improvement in myself! Which kinda blows me away.
But I guess I sometimes worry that maybe I haven't moved on and only THINK this stuff doesn't impact me. (I mean, I know it does, but it doesn't impact me to the degree that I think it should?) Shouldn't "moving on" involve sobbing in a therapist's office over this shit? Or delving into the past and reliving shit? But, then again, I HAVE cried over this shit. And I HAVE relived this shit. So maybe I have done what I need to do with all of it.
Am I making any sense at all!?
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Deleteugh. this shit pisses me off. You've suffered severe trauma--you can't just decide to be fucking happy and that's it. That's not how mental health works. trauma in your formative years affects you for the rest of your life--it changes your brain permanently.
Deletewhich is *not* to say you can never be happy or healthy or functional! but when people who don't have mental health issues talk like this is makes me want to scream. there is no bootstrapping yourself into being "normal." you heal at your own pace in your own time and don't let anyone else tell you any differently.
I dunno. You only really get the luxury of processing trauma once things have been safe enough for awhile that you get a chance to thaw. Heidi - You've spent the last few years surviving, trying to take care of your body and mind on limited resources, and pushing yourself the whole time to make friends and counter lots of shame about your body. It's not like you've been slacking. It doesn't sound to me like you're digging for things to get upset about; it seems like finally you're in a place where you get to finally feel it. Now that you're living in a place where you're not scared for your own safety all the time and you're better at handling the big, frightening feelings related to this guy and your dad's death. Makes sense to me that it'd come up now.
DeletePeople process things on their own damn timeline. Particularly when they have limited resources and can't afford to go to private therapy every week for years on end. Belk, I fail to see how your comment is helpful at all, no matter your stated intentions.
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