Monday, March 3, 2014

Alone

I was talking to a friend and he said my No Date 2013/2014 was a way to avoid a healthy relationship.  That it was ridiculous for me to refuse to date someone amazing.  That triggered the following.  It’s the email I sent him but it’s fleshed out more.

Just to clarify, the reason I had a No Date 2013 is because no one has wanted to date me since moving here.  No one is breaking down my door.  I've been on three or four dates in 3+ years and it sucks but I can’t date here to save my life!  Believe me, there's no one for me to say “no” to.  So I decided to take control of that situation and stop basing my happiness on finding someone.  To stop basing my worth on someone wanting to date me.  To stop wishing someone would want to be with me.

There are no men or women - good or otherwise - wanting to date me.  And I work to accept that until it's proven otherwise.  I still talk to people, I still flirt...I just have no takers.  Instead of feeling lonely and rejected and unwanted because of that, I choose to feel like the one in charge.  I choose to feel that being alone right now is my decision and my decision alone.  And I choose to enjoy that.  I choose to use this time to focus on myself and try to become a better person.

It doesn’t really bother me anymore.  It was hard at first and I struggled with a lot of romantic loneliness but I seem to have moved beyond that.  I rarely, if ever, even think about wanting someone to date.  I mean, a part of it is feeling less loneliness in general but I’m happy about it, even if it’s just residual.  Additionally, there's the fact that I can't trust myself to choose a healthy relationship just yet.  I know I need more therapy and to work through a lot of shit before I can do that.

It's totally possible I'll never find someone.  And that's not pessimism, it's being realistic.  Not everyone ends up with someone.  There are plenty of good people who don't ever find the right relationship.  And it's better for me to accept that as a possibility than it is to tell myself that one day one day one day someone wonderful will want to be with me.  Because that expectation fucks me over a lot more than remembering that, even if I don't ever find a relationship, I have friends and books and cats and writing and sex and I can be happy without a partner.  I think a lot about the Heidi I want to be and I'm not that Heidi yet.  I want to be that Heidi before I allow someone into my life.  I want to be that Heidi, with or without someone.

And that's the crux of it.  Partner or not, I can be whole on my own.

3 comments:

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  2. i love this so much. thanks for writing it. you rule.

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