Well, I was robbed. I left my purse in the car and my roommate must have left it unlocked when he borrowed it because, hey, bye bye $140! Ugh, so so so uncool. Lesson learned. So many lessons learned with this one. And then, the next day, the program I use imploded and I ended up losing a chunk of my writing. What a shitty couple of days, man. I was able to find about 20 documents but not the “general” one where I keep notes and write up no-specific-topic posts. Oh well, could have been waaaay worse. And, clearly, they needed it more than I do. Still...mega ugh.
I hadn’t swam in a couple of weeks and I was missing it so much. But the depression was keeping me in my room, hiding myself from the world. I’m back and I managed 30 laps! I’m still determined to swim 72 laps (one mile) and, if I keep going regularly, I should hit that fairly soon. I’m so excited! Though the chlorine is fucking my hair up. I have a swim cap I’m going to start wearing. I look odd in it but Carter pointed out that no one looks good in a swim cap. Another part of the awesomeness is I’m also able to do several of my chiropractic/physical therapy stretches in the pool with no pain. In general, I just really love being in the pool. It’s so meditative for me. The sound of the water and the feeling of weightlessness...sometimes I just float, eyes closed, breathing slowly. It’s taking me awhile but I’m trying really hard to not feel badly and guilty about the lifeguard having to sit by the pool while I’m the only one in the water. I swear, I just want to tell him, “Dude, I’m fat! I couldn’t drown even if I tried!”
I saw my therapist yesterday and I was struggling. I said I had nothing to say; that I wasn’t able to express what was wrong...but something was off. I’ve been feeling so worthless lately and really overwhelmed by wanting so much and not knowing how to get there. And, for whatever reason, the exhaustion is crippling. By the end of the session, I felt better. I talked about the things I want to do and the things I need to do to get there. I’m going to write up some long-term goals and break them down into tiny steps. I work well with lists and baby steps. I know what I need to do; I just need to figure out how to get myself to do it. I just feel frozen. But I need to push harder.
I’m going to start working on The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & Distress Tolerance. I photocopied the first two chapters so I can fill out all the exercises. I know DBT can help me. I mean, it already has helped me but I need to work harder. I want to work harder. I want to grow and heal. I want to forgive myself and others. I want to return to hell, deal with my pain and trauma, and then pull myself back out.