"Only I Will Remain"

I’ve figured out that, once the camp kids bail, the pool is almost completely empty.  I mean two-adults-and-three-kids almost empty.  So, since I had nearly an entire pool at my disposal, I decided to see if I remembered how to swim.  Let me point out that I haven’t actually swam in 25 years (holy shit I’m old.)

I swam from one side to the other with a sort of modified backstroke and managed six laps before I was exhausted.  When I went back a few days later, I managed 12 laps.  Which left me wonderfully sore. I’m going to start practicing the regular, belly-down, swimming.  I feel so excited about being in the pool; I can’t wait to go back.  I looked up the actual proper way to do the backstroke and found out it’s often prescribed for back pain because of how well it works out those muscles.  Which is a nice bonus.  Do you know how I know this is something I desperately need to continue?  Because I want it even though chlorine will strip out my color.  I don’t give up awesome hair for just ANY body!

I’ve been talking and thinking a lot about fear lately.  Fear and shame.  About how my life has been impacted by the constant tapes in my head telling me to run.  I decided I needed a reminder and slapped my very favorite quote (from The Tender Bar, which you should read) on a picture of an ass kicker.





Fear will be the fuel for all your success, and the root cause of all your failures, and the underlying dilemma in every story you tell yourself about yourself. And the only chance you’ll have against fear? Follow it. Steer by it. Don’t think of fear as the villain. Think of fear as your guide, your pathfinder.

And I frequently remind myself of a line from Dune,

Fear is the mind killer.

I'm trying to move beyond fear and shame.  I'm trying to do what I generally don't do.  Go out with friends, go swimming, go to the bar, remind myself that I'm amazing go sleeveless...  Little baby steps mixed with giant leaps.