Thursday, March 21, 2013

I called the office of my pain specialist because I hadn’t heard back from the neurologist about my nerve test results. The nurse informed me we’d discuss it during my next appointment. I have no idea if that means something good or something bad. Huh.

I’m kind of in the middle of a depression downswing. So that’s been difficult. Combined with me trying to write about my mom and dealing with laryngitis for a week and a half and a really incredible and important friendship ending, I was a major mess and took it out on my roommates. Lashing out and then falling apart once I got back in my bedroom. It’s okay now. They understand. It’s hard to get used to living with people, to communicate like an adult. But it helps that I live with people who understand mental illness and cycles and bad days/weeks. People who forgive because they knew that wasn’t me. That’s the reason they came to talk to me, “That wasn’t Heidi.” And they were right. It was pain and frustration and anger just exploding and they got caught in the crossfire.

The entry before this one, the one about my mom. I cried the entire time I wrote it. And I cried through my entire therapy session this afternoon. The fact that I’m actually opening up enough for that to happen is incredible to me. That wall of don’t let anyone see you fall apart, I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine is slowly coming down. And I honestly wasn’t trying to keep the tears in; most times they just didn’t happen. But it has been happening. In front of friends, my therapist, other members of my therapy group. It really does feel as if my defenses are crumbling. And as terrifying as that is, I also recognize how incredible it is. I think it means I’m finally ready to work on my past and how it impacts my present.

In the sob session, my therapist pointed out how much power I give my parents, even though they’re no longer here. And it’s true. I was raised to take care of them, to save them, to make sure they were okay. It’s hard to not feel that way still.

I’m…better. The crying helped a lot and my psychiatrist changed some doses when I saw him today so we’ll see how that goes.

Thanks for listening, you guys.

8 comments:

  1. Letting the tears come has to be soothing to your body both physically and mentally. You might feel crappy for the moments but later you probably feel so much release and relief. You are doing such a good job of taking care of yourself.....

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  2. Heidi, I don't comment very often but I read every single post you write. I'm cheering you on, girl. I'm so proud of you!

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  3. Hi Heidi,
    I hope your are doing better today.
    I know this is super late but I finally got myself psyched up to read it. I knew I would bawl the whole way through . http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-moments-that-prove-mr.-rogers-was-greatest-american/ It's a Cracked article on why Mr. Rodgers is amazing. I know he is a hero of yours so I thought this might help you feel better. Oddly for a site know for dick jokes it's super sweet and so are the comments. It was posted on his birthday. Sorry I did not get it to you sooner.

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    1. I totally get sucked in to Cracked for HOURS! I'll forget about it, someone will link me to it, and BOOM I come up for air and realize three hours have passed!

      It made me cry so hard but in the best possible way. Thank you so much for this! <3

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