Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Apocalypse, Cat Pictures, and Tears

I had a really super intense therapy session a few days ago. Our plan of attack is that 1) I write about a specific incident or trauma or anything else I want to deal with then 2) I read it out loud to myself. I bring it in and 3) read it to my therapist. After that 4) we discuss it. 

I read to her something I wrote in October about my boyfriend committing suicide a few years ago.

(An aside: I don't cry in front of therapists {or anyone else, really}.  I teared up once talking to one but that was when I talked about how much I loved a friend of mine  I don't stop myself from crying, it just doesn't happen.)

I got through, maybe, ¼ of it before I started crying. Not crying, SOBBING. I mean, shirt wet from tears, snot pouring, gasping for breath kind of crying. But I kept reading. Choking on the words but still forcing them out. And as we talked after I realized I'd never cried for him. Maybe it was due to disbelief, the insane way I found out, or the all-consuming, crippling guilt I felt – and still feel - but I never cried. Not until a few days ago. I miss him so incredibly much and I never truly mourned him. And I finally let that happen.

A friend threw The Last Party on Earth on the 20th - pants optional. It was truly amazing. Drinking our faces off, blasting old R&B with all of us singing along, taking ridiculous pictures, and lots of folks kissing. I drank quite a bit but was completely functioning and remembered the entire night when I woke up! That's the kind of drunk I enjoy.

At one point we were talking about things we'd never done and one says, “I've never thrown a drink in someone's face!”

So I said, “Dude, you can totally do that to me.”

“What?! Nooooo...”

“I'm serious. I really don't mind. And then you can say you've done it!”

It took a little more convincing for him to know it was totally okay. I told him to use vodka since it's clear. He insisted on just doing a shot glass so he grabbed one, filled it, and we went outside.

I faced him and said, “Come on man!”

And he chucked that shot glass of vodka in my face! basically hit my chin and tits. But I think it counts!

“See! Now you can say you've thrown a drink in someone's face!!'

I was asked why in hell I would do that and I said, “Because he'd never done it, he wanted to do it, and it was something I could make happen for him!” What other reason do I need? Plus it wasn't a big deal. A shot glass of clear liquid? I'm perfectly fine with that.  My roommate videotaped it apparently. Heh.

And while I'm sharing pictures, kitty faces!

I think I might be suffering a bit of holiday malaise but I'm not sure as I never have before. I had a bad bit going on but I do feel better now. So I think the rest of the year should be okay.Everyone around here is gone for the holidays so I'm hoping I can be a tiny bit productive.  I want to sit down and think about goals for 2013.  I scribbled down a few notes and think the whole list will probably focus on self care, growth, and moving forward with life.


  1. I really like the pic of just-you with the pink bob/pink in the sweater/chest tat!

    1. Thank you so much!! That makes me happy. <3

  2. Hello Dear Heidi,

    I just finished reading all of your blog posts from 2007 onward. I feel like I've known you forever!

    You are so beautiful, adorable, courageous and strong. I just KNOW that 2013 is going to be a banner year for you.

    Consider this affirmation: "I deserve the very best in life and I lovingly allow myself to accept it." Because
    YOU DO!!!

    1. Oh my goodness! I'm so flattered that you found me interesting enough to read so much! And, oh my gosh, thank you so very much, you're so sweet and kind.

      I love that affirmation! I'm definitely going to embrace it!

  3. Oh my goodness, how beautiful are you? (The answer is "very.")

  4. Love this posting. Not the sobbing part but in a way, I'm glad about that too because you were able to let it go and release all that inner turmoil. Your group of friends are good for you too. Loved the photos....Happy Holidays and good luck with the 2013 goals....Wow...You have come so every way. And as I said on FB, that photo of you is just beautiful.

    1. That means so very much to me, Terri. <3 <3 <3

  5. Love it when kitties just enjoy looking at the world upside-down.

  6. Heidi, the picture of you where you are wearing the argyle sweater and staring off in to the distance, almost a profile, that picture is the best picture I have ever seen of you. Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous!