The Apocalypse, Cat Pictures, and Tears

I had a really super intense therapy session a few days ago. Our plan of attack is that 1) I write about a specific incident or trauma or anything else I want to deal with then 2) I read it out loud to myself. I bring it in and 3) read it to my therapist. After that 4) we discuss it. 

I read to her something I wrote in October about my boyfriend committing suicide a few years ago.

(An aside: I don't cry in front of therapists {or anyone else, really}.  I teared up once talking to one but that was when I talked about how much I loved a friend of mine  I don't stop myself from crying, it just doesn't happen.)

I got through, maybe, ¼ of it before I started crying. Not crying, SOBBING. I mean, shirt wet from tears, snot pouring, gasping for breath kind of crying. But I kept reading. Choking on the words but still forcing them out. And as we talked after I realized I'd never cried for him. Maybe it was due to disbelief, the insane way I found out, or the all-consuming, crippling guilt I felt – and still feel - but I never cried. Not until a few days ago. I miss him so incredibly much and I never truly mourned him. And I finally let that happen.

A friend threw The Last Party on Earth on the 20^th - pants optional. It was truly amazing. Drinking our faces off, blasting old R&B with all of us singing along, taking ridiculous pictures, and lots of folks kissing. I drank quite a bit but was completely functioning and remembered the entire night when I woke up! That's the kind of drunk I enjoy.

At one point we were talking about things we'd never done and one says, “I've never thrown a drink in someone's face!”

So I said, “Dude, you can totally do that to me.”

“What?! Nooooo...”

“I'm serious. I really don't mind. And then you can say you've done it!”

It took a little more convincing for him to know it was totally okay. I told him to use vodka since it's clear. He insisted on just doing a shot glass so he grabbed one, filled it, and we went outside.

I faced him and said, “Come on man!”

And he chucked that shot glass of vodka in my face! Well...it basically hit my chin and tits. But I think it counts!

“See! Now you can say you've thrown a drink in someone's face!!'

I was asked why in hell I would do that and I said, “Because he'd never done it, he wanted to do it, and it was something I could make happen for him!” What other reason do I need? Plus it wasn't a big deal. A shot glass of clear liquid? I'm perfectly fine with that.  My roommate videotaped it apparently. Heh.

And while I'm sharing pictures, kitty faces!

I think I might be suffering a bit of holiday malaise but I'm not sure as I never have before. I had a bad bit going on but I do feel better now. So I think the rest of the year should be okay.Everyone around here is gone for the holidays so I'm hoping I can be a tiny bit productive.  I want to sit down and think about goals for 2013.  I scribbled down a few notes and think the whole list will probably focus on self care, growth, and moving forward with life.