I was doing well and then slid back for a bit. It was hard. I felt so confused and incapable of explaining what I was feeling and thinking. And I was so angry at myself because I felt as if I was on this really great path and then...fell off it. No, that's not accurate. I felt as if I was shoved off it, knocked to the ground, and then they kicked dirt over the path so I couldn't find it again. (In reality, I'm the one who shoved, knocked, and kicked, of course, but using the royal “they” made for a better analogy!)
I wandered out to the living room and asked if I could sit with my roommates. P asked how I was and said he was worried about me. And I admitted I was worried about myself too. I talked to he and M for awhile. I stumbled over my words and struggled to form sentences because I'd been feeling something I'd never felt before. Suicidal, happy, depressed...those are things I understand. Those are things I can describe and talk about. But it wasn't any of those things.
For 10 years I've blogged. I've ripped myself open and laid myself bare. Literally. I've spewed my misery and joy, my anger and hope. I gave everything I had to give. And there's nothing left in me. That''s why I'm struggling to care about what I do in the future. What I do now and how it will impact what I do next. I don't think there is a next. I think I've given everything I possibly can. I've said everything I can. I feel as if I'm empty with nothing more to give to the world. People tell me to write a book. Which has been my dream since I was six or so. But I've written all I can, haven't I? What do I have left to say?
Maybe I have given all I'm worth. Maybe I have nothing left to give or offer. Maybe that means I'm done. I feel as if I'm done. I'd thought about suicide. Not in a depressed way but in a “after weighing pros and cons, could this be the correct option” way. Is it ever a logically viable option when you have nothing left to give? Does the fact that I'm empty mean I have no place in this world? And I told him, it wasn't coming from a place of depression or self loathing. And as the latter came out of my mouth I stopped and said, “Wow. No. That's a lie. If I believed I had inherent value and worth, suicide wouldn't be an option.”
And suddenly I thought about how there's so much to do and so much to see and so much to learn and the idea of leaving before experiencing all that made me want to cry. I have to learn to juggle and play violin and visit Dollywood and meet Sonya in real life and taste weird liquor and and and! Life is so fucking amazing that it makes my heart ache. I can sit and look at the clouds and just...sob because it's so overwhelmingly beautiful. I'm not going anywhere. I can't. I have too many places to explore and people to meet and adventures to have. And way too many clouds to watch.
I'm not going to be angry at myself for defaulting to the destructive. Because it's normal and natural for me. It's a way I've found to survive. Slowly I'll learn how to replace that with something new.
We talked for a long time and as I spewed everything I'd been feeling I started realizing and understanding. Talking to them was cathartic and revelatory. Like writing here used to be. I realized I miss this place. I miss you guys. I miss writing until the realizations flow and I feel drained from pushing myself so hard.
I never thought I'd reach a point where I felt safe and stable. My entire life has been chaos and stress and crisis management. Try to survive, try to push through, try to live one more day. And now I have silence and calm and I don't quite know what to do with it.
I feel like for the first time a future IS possible. And I have no idea how to embrace it. I never thought I'd survive. I never thought I'd last this long. 2.5 years ago I thought I was done, that I would truly not survive. Emotionally or physically. I wouldn't be able to handle one more moment so I'd tap out. It was inevitable. But it wasn't. 2.5 years and nothing is the same. In a million years I wouldn't have guessed that THIS would be where I ended up. That this would be a) a decision I'd make and b) a decision I'd be so fucking grateful for.