I'm so sorry about
being MIA. Part of me likes the absence and part of me misses
writing here.
My two year
Auburniversarry happened on Friday! It's funny, when I told some
non-local folks that, their responses were pretty similar. Either.
“I'm sorry” or “that's unfortunate.” I disagree. As you
well know, I've made a lot of bad choices in my life. As we all
have. I've fucked up and had regrets and wished I could change a
gazilliion things I've done. But you know what? Moving to Alabama
was the best decision I've ever made. Which is
something I never expected, something I could have never foreseen.
This last year has
been a hard one. My mom's death and everything that led up to it.
Basically having a complete breakdown. Being put into a hardcore,
maximum security, lockdown psychiatric unit for nearly two weeks.
Going through so many fucking medications. So many mixes and
cocktails just hoping they'll finally work. And then being
disappointed and scared. Again and again. Pain reaching epic
levels. Being rejected romantically and sexually waaaaay more than I
ever was back home.
On the flip side,
I've found wonderful therapists and doctors who hear me and help me.
One of which got me into the psych unit that kept safe when I was
seconds away from killing myself. I started physical therapy. I
finally found a pain specialist who is helping me immensely. I've
made new friends and acquaintances. I've had some dirty fun times.
Lots of books. Socializing a bit more. I've improved my cleaning
and general domestic stuff. I'm getting better at self care. I've
started a slow baby stepping plan to become the person I hope to be.
I feel safe here.
I feel loved and protected. For the first time in my life, I feel
like I'm home.
My DBT group
started over on Thursday. I'm really happy about being able to go
through it again. Though the woman who called me an “infidel”
for being an Atheist has joined us. Ehhhh. I'm trying to focus a
lot on Opposite Action and Radical Acceptance.
Here's my completely untrained explanation as to what those two
things are. Paraphrasing what I've learned as best I can, mixed with
my own interpretations.
Opposite
Action
Actions and
emotions are connected. They're a cyclical pair. Your emotions
affect your actions just as your actions affect your emotions. So
the way to change your emotions? Is by changing your actions.
Forcing yourself to do the things you naturally shy away from will
change the way you see yourself and situations.
Example: I hate
socializing. It scares the shit out of me. I'm afraid of judgment
and having a social phobia breakdown. So, obviously, I avoid social
situations. But the thing is? I hate that aspect of my personality.
I hate feeling imprisoned in my home and I hate missing out on fun
and adventure. So, instead of hiding out, I would need to do the
opposite. i.e. forcing myself to go out, no matter how much it makes
me want to cry.
In order to change
the way you view situations, you have to change the way you react to
them. And even though that's terrifying and painful? If you truly
want to change, you need to act in the opposite way to your natural
instinct. If you're pissed off, your natural reaction might be to
throw shit and scream. But if you make the decision to do the
opposite, like talking it through, taking deep breaths, walking away
from the situation, etc, slowly these healthier reactions will be
become our natural instincts. It's, basically, about retraining our
brains by fighting against the unhealthy immediate reactions we
engage in. It's hard as fuck. And you'll fall and give in to the
unhealthy shit constantly. But making a conscious choice to try to
act in opposite way will, eventually, change things on a larger
scale.
Radical
Acceptance
Radical Acceptance
is accepting something fully. With your entire mind, body, heart,
and soul. When you accept something, that is not
the same as saying you think it's good or something you approve of.
Accepting something horrible that happened in your past is not the
same as forgiving your perpetrators. It simply means you accept that
it's reality.
Reality is reality
is reality. Everything is as it should be because every thing that
happens is the consequence of something else. By staying in a place
of “why me” or “how could this happen” or “this isn't fair”
you will never heal or move forward fully. When you fight reality,
you will suffer. Because you'll continue living in the past and
continue being passive and stuck, incapable of moving forward.
The thing that
struck me most is: Pain is inevitable but suffering is not.
Suffering is pain without acceptance. Once you accept the past as
reality and something you cannot change, you're capable of fully
experiencing your emotions and begin your healing. Once you accept
the present as reality and something under your control, you're
capable of making changes.
So, yes, I'm
loving DBT. I'm also loving my new therapist. God, she calls me out
and asks really good questions. Like, how I laugh and minimize and
blow off my trauma/abuse. I told her I'd never dealt with my abuse
in therapy before; it had always been crisis management, trying to
survive the present. And now I feel as if I'm in a healthy and
stable enough place to deal with it. I told her, “I know you're
going to take me to a dark place. But I also know you'll help me get
back out of it.”
I don't see my
past as anything that bad. Whatever, I should be
able to shrug this shit off. But I suppose the fact that, when I
talked about a couple of aspects, one therapist couldn't control her
tears, a group of molestation survivors stared at me with their jaws
open until someone said, “That's the most horrible thing I've ever
heard.”, and my new therapist told me she had chills means I should
stop minimizing and start dealing. I'm scared. So scared. But
positive I'm ready for this. Especially because lately I've been
dreaming about my parents constantly, some dreams are neutral, some
are horrific.
I saw my pain
specialist last week. We ditched the second painkiller and the
muscle relaxant, kept the Lortab, and got back on the Fentanyl
patches. The patches send the drug directly into your body on a
constant basis. Because surgery left my absorption next to nil
(meaning pills effect you way, way, WAY more than they do me since my
body isn't capable of extracting all it needs) I'm hoping that the
patches combined with the Lortab will make me higher functioning. I
hadn't brought them up because Fentanyl is...a big deal. It's 100x
stronger than Morphine. (NOT a typo.) Which should give you some
idea about my pain levels. I'm baby stepping my way back into
exercise and physical therapy. I also have a couple of friends who
said they'd be happy to give me massages. Which would help a lot.
Not much exciting
has been going on these days. Being a bit more isolated than I'd
like. The biggest joy in my life was finally checking out the farmer's market! The
produce is so much better and so less expensive than WalMart. I'm
devouring fruits and vegetables like a mad woman. Current obsession
is steamed yellow squash with some salt and margarine. Also avocados
cut in half with just a sprinkle of salt and a spoon. I could live
on them.
My new roommates
start sleeping here as of tomorrow. We're all interested in seeing
how quickly Patty cat swats their pup into submission.
I say it every time....you are an amazing woman. I am so glad that you moved and have found good doctors and friends. You explained the different therapy terms so well...and it all makes so much sense. You really should think about writing a memoir and trying to get it published. I do think it would sell....I know that is a scary thought but I know there are people out there who would understand and relate to your story.
ReplyDeleteThis is all so good to hear. I actually think the nightmares are a good sign -- as horrible as nightmares are, and I'm so sorry you're having them -- I take it to mean your subconscious knows you're safe now, and that it's time to start processing this stuff.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to hear that you've got support and resources, and you're making such big strides (and they *are* big strides), and I send you lots of love.
You're doing a really good job.