Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Love...or Not

I'm a people pleaser to the umpteenth degree. If you know me, you know this. I let people into my life and let them stay there for far too long after they've proven they shouldn't be there. Then I let them back in again and again. Even knowing it's a mistake, a disaster in the making. But I do it anyway. Because I think the best of people. Even of people who hurt me or lie to me. And I know it's more than just being too nice or having too big of a heart. It's desperation.

It's that part of me that thinks I should I take what I can get. That if I don't say “yes” I'll never be asked again.

Logically, I'm okay with being romantically alone. I think about it a lot. I've believed it as reality and I work to accept it. I try hard to focus on the fact that, if (worst case scenario) I will be alone forever, it really isn't that bad. And I won't really be alone. I have amazing friends who support me and love me and call me on my shit. I have you guys. I have books. I have what I need to survive. If I went back to trying, I could have no strings attached sex again. Instead of worrying about finding a partner, I could focus on the things I have. And on being the person I want to be, with the life I want to have.

But then someone enters my life. And becomes a part of it for awhile. And I think maybe, just maybe, I was wrong. Maybe someone can see sexual beauty in me. Maybe someone can see kindness and love and potential in me. Maybe someone wants to wake up with me in the morning. Maybe someone thinks about me constantly. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. And so that hope is triggered again.

And, without fail, that hope is shattered. I'm being used for money or sex or ego boosting. I'm being lied to or led on. I'm giving all of me and more and getting nothing in return. I try so hard because I think if I try hard enough I'll be good enough. But that didn't happen with my parents and it's not going to happen with the people I date.

Every important self-improvement aspect of my life right now is focused on being present. On enjoying and experiencing and paying attention to where I am at this very moment. To feel my emotions, to feel my body. To stop being so divorced from both. Because that's been my survival instinct for 30 years – disassociate, run away, deny what I'm experiencing.

And I'm trying. I'm trying to listen to my logical side. I try to use it to contradict every evil thought I have about myself. I try to use it to get myself out of unhealthy and fucked up situations. And I did it. I ended it. For good this time. Whatever bullshit “it” was. Even when my heart was breaking and I thought this could be final chance at “love.” But it isn't love. And here we are, back to desperation.

I'm trying to give the love I have to myself. To realize I deserve to receive the love I give to others. To be good to myself. To be kind to myself. To take care of myself. To make better choices and decisions. To get back up when I fall again and again. To be the very best and happiest person I can be. And none of that depends on a romantic partner. None of it.

I know that until I'm the person I want to be – the best person I can be – I'll continue attracting and dating people who are cruel and unkind, who lie and deceive.

But, like everyone else, I get lonely. And I want to be held and kissed and loved in that romantic way. But that's just not in the cards for me right now. And I'm working on being okay with that.

Logically I know. I'd rather be alone than with someone who treats me poorly. I'd rather be alone than feel alone with someone else. I'd rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel like less than.

Now I just need my heart to realize it.

People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world. 
Kim Culbertson


  1. Oh Heidi. I'm so glad you're working through this stuff. It kills me to see your time and love wasted on douchebags too dim to see how amazing you are. You are probably the best person I have ever known. Your worth is INHERENT.

  2. You are so right...You do deserve so much better. I hope you can love yourself until you know when someone else can offer you more than you can give yourself. I think you will find that person too.

  3. I hope you're not talking about the girl you've been texting. I was so hopeful that you'd met someone who saw you for the wonder you truly are. And is she was just using you, I'll be just as crushed as you are.

    1. No, it's been a few people in the past six to eight months. (And the years before that.) But she stopped responding to my texts after we made plans. So, yeah. THAT certainly didn't help matters and was just one more reason to feel lonely and hopeless. Sigh.

  4. Heidi I haven't been in front of a computer since you wrote this, but I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you. This is exactly where I am, and it's been consuming me for the last few weeks.

    After a rough breakup last year, all these themes-- I liked him, he was happy to have sex with me, and nothing more (and is now super-serious about someone else)-- I decided to take myself off the market. It's been almost exactly a year, and a guy I could finally consider has asked me out.

    The kicker? He's funny, he's smart, he's kind (seemingly), likes me a lot (for now), stable family, all the things I want, but I'm honestly not even sure it is worth so much as a date. What's the point? He'll probably break my heart. Even if he doesn' a relationship really worth it? Am I ever going to be able to love someone fully at this point? Trust someone? Invest?

    Still, here I am, totally confused, totally closed off, and really not sure it is fair to date anyone when I'm like this-- but, still, some part of me is hoping that "maybe this one will be different. Maybe this will save me" You captured that feeling better than I ever could. Maybe I should just print it out for my shrink...

    I'm so sad it has gotten to this point, for both of us. It sucks. And it's a self-perpetuating cycle, ain't it?

    Thanks for sharing this

    Ps-- totally, totally support a hiatus!!!! some things we have to do in private. It doesn't mean we are hiding it, it just means we need to sort ourselves out. I'm thinking it's your own Walden Pond. It's a sign of budding health, I think!

    1. This means so much to me, thank you.

      And, ugh, it totally sucks!! I'm glad you have someone in your life who makes you happy! <3