I can't put into words what this whole weird “blogging” thing has meant to me. Some of the most important people in my life are there because they stumbled across me babbling. I'm in Auburn because my former roommate read me. But even those of you who I've never talked to before have made such a huge impact on my life.
I'm alive because of you. I survived my father's suicide because of you. I saw my mom before she died because of you. Because of you. I can't even imagine who or where I'd be if it weren't for you.
The absolute best parts of my life exist/happened because of this blog.
And, you know, even the negative shit has a positive spin. I've realized I can survive hate and threats and loathing. I've realized that loving yourself really pisses people off but it's worth doing anyway. And I've realized that you can't please everyone. That, even if you try your best, people will still dislike you. Those were hard things to realize, especially as a lifelong people-pleaser. It's made me stronger and less concerned with what others think of me. It's made me realize that I can shrug off death threats and roll my eyes at some truly loathsome insults.
I get these messages that say, I went to a psychiatrist because of your blog. I had sex during the day, I went swimming, I went sleeveless, I stopped hating fat people because of your blog. And it blows my mind. “My life is better because of you.” I don't understand why I help but the fact that I do means everything to me. Everything.
The hate and the threats and all of that shit means nothing in light of that. As many times as I've considered deleting this whole thing and never looking back, I never could because people get something good out of it. The hate is worth it. If one single person lives an even slightly happier life because of what I write, it's worth it.
People comment on how honest and vulnerable I am and say that they could never be the same on a public blog. The reason I'm able to do it is because this started as my journal. I started writing on Diaryland because I wanted a way to journal on the computer. It was my diary. And, ultimately, that's what this has remained. People who don't read me ask what I write about. And I stumble and say, “Uhhhhh...my life? I guess? I don't know...it's just journaling.” I'm able to see this as nothing more than a diary because I just pretend no one reads it. Seriously! I pretend that, maybe, five friends check out my entries and it's a way to keep them updated on my life and feelings. It's just a way to let the people I love in on my life.
And, I guess, that's why I'm surprised when someone (anyone) tells me they read me. I don't advertise or self promote because a) I don't know how and b) I don't think that what I write is really anything anyone would be interested in reading. I didn't know how many people read me because I intentionally don't look at my stats. I have no idea who reads me or links to me. But I looked just now and, evidently, I had 16,000 page views last month. I haven't a clue if that's a lot. But it makes me realize that more than five people probably read this! But, believe me, I'll continue to happily pretend no one reads because it makes it easier to write without censoring or editing myself.
I've been struggling to write lately but it isn't because people are reading as I have no interest in writing privately either. I'm not sure what it is. But I guess, after 10 years, some writer's block is acceptable! I don't know what's caused it but I do know it'll, eventually, change and I'll write again.
When I was little, writing saved my life. When I was a teen, writing saved my life. In my 20s, writing saved my life. And I'm pretty damn certain my 30s are no different.
So here are my goals for this blog.
- Update three times a week. They may be short, they may be mindless, but they will happen.
- Post more photos! Which will force me to take more photos! Which will force me to be more social and active – two things I desperately desire!
- Write more things of substance. They might not meet your definition of such but they'll meet mine.
Thank you. For reading my words and finding something in them that brings you back.